Rainy Journey 23

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate the support. 
.........
Today is the last day with students.  I am emotionally drained.  This will be my last day at this school as tomorrow I will end the school year at the district office with a training.

I don't want to go and face this day.  I worry about saying goodbye to students and also facing any support or gratitude offered by colleagues.  I want to just be left alone.

I am going to leave as soon as I can today (it is an early release day). 

[sanmagic7]

congratulations for making it thru, rainy.  you've shown an awful lot of determination and responsibility by sticking it out.  yeah, the good-byes can be difficult.  i don't blame you for wanting to just cuddle up.  well done, tho.  let's hope you're not plagued by the same colleague problems at your next location.  wishing you well.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support San.
.........
I am exhausted and trying to settle enough to sleep.

I still have a training to do tomorrow.  I think it will be deeply annoying. 

I survived the day.  The physical presence is over and now I am feeling the emotional and mental aftermath.

I am still upset and am feeling disenfranchised grief.  Life will continue and I will carry my experiences and memories forward.  I don't feel like there is space for me to feel to the depth I need.  That space will have to be personal and individual most likely.

I am so tired.

[Moondance]

Wishing you much needed rest Rainydiary and that tomorrow passes rather quickly and not to annoying.

 

[sanmagic7]

also wishing you some time for rest, rainy.  hope that meeting went smoothly and quickly.  you're done w/ this year.  you made it!  well done, you, even if it was stressful and rocky at times.  you did it.  love and a hug filled w/ finding the space you need for all those emotions.

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I appreciate the support and encouragement.
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San, thank you for the support.
............
Well, I am on the other side of another school year.

Today I just feel exhausted.

I am struggling with my husband's mood and how he is doing. I am also struggling because I don't have a lot of spaces I can speak about how difficult my relationship is right now.

I am noticing that I feel like his moods are my fault.  If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be in this place where we are.  I know deep down I am not doing anything to him, but my brain is in overdrive trying to figure out how to make things better.

I think my challenge this summer will be caring for myself amidst all that my husband seems to be going through. 

If his low mood persists until August, the presence of his parents will make things a million times worse.

[Moondance]

I hope you continue to self care this summer.

I'm able to read (listen) to your posts but relational stuff is beyond me right know.  But I stand with you Rainydiary and encourage you to do what you need for yourself and your husband.  I do know you are very strong and that you can get through this.

 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, in your exhausted state, it makes sense to me that you're getting those 'fault' feelings about your H's mood.  you're at low tide w/ energy right now.  please know his stuff is not your fault - it sounds like he's got a lot of issues he refuses to deal w/. 

i hope you find time and space to renew your system, bring some calm and rest to your mind.  love and hugs, my dear

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I appreciate your words and relate.  We don't always have similar lived experiences to others yet can also be present. 
......
San, I appreciate the reminders.  It is something most likely to explore why I continue to feel responsible for things to own that aren't mine.
............
I most likely won't "feel" that I am on break for a while.  I am still waking every day around 3 or 4.  When working I tend to push myself to get up (something I hope to explore next school year as to why) and now I am challenging myself to go back to sleep.

My husband and I went on a hike today which was a nice experience.  For most of the hike we didn't encounter others and it was a nice time.

When we got home, he decided to mow the lawn.  He started to get worked up about how much work it is to take care of a home.  I wanted to say, "Uh, yeah.  What do you think I've been doing the last 15 years most weekends when I say I am cleaning?"  He tried to get me to help and I said no because I could see he was just trying to get out of doing work.  Plus I already had cleaning tasks I was going to do.  I am working to release control and give him space to figure this stuff out.

Today I wrote to the prompt: "Who do you trust most? Why?"  I struggled to respond because I don't have a lot of trust in myself and others. 

[Armee]

So glad you stood your ground there

[sanmagic7]

what armee said, rainy.  well done! it may take some time to sort thru some of those issues, so i hope you are patient w/ yourself, gentle, and kind.  sending love and a hug filled with all 3.

[rainydiary]

Armee & San, I appreciate the support and validation.  In that moment I saw all the times where he pulled me into doing something that he wanted to do regardless of my plans and I am mostly done with that. 
............
Big feelings today and exhaustion.  I feel ill although I'm not sure I am physically sick.  I am noticing this tension in the area between my shoulder blades and under my neck.  This is a new area for the tension in my body to be gathered and I am curious what this is about.

I am off and on crying.  I got a lot done this morning with taking unwanted boxes to the recycling center and getting groceries.  I also unpacked a few things I never unpacked in our apartment because there wasn't space.

These mostly included photographs.  I found the photographs I had previously put on our fireplace mantle in our last state.  They are from our engagement and our wedding day.  Seeing these photos reminded me of a lot of positives.  So much has happened since those photographs were taken. 

I got a spam phone call that used the city and area code from our old state and that is what finally pushed me into crying.

I do miss our old state and our old townhouse.  I did feel like it was time to move on.  Right now I am feeling like I failed myself, I failed my husband, I failed at everything there.  Work was miserable and I felt like an outcast no matter what I did. 

I do feel the sense of "what were we thinking?" that I think my husband may be experiencing.  We have been somewhat nomadic in our life.  And it is interesting and hard and confusing and fascinating how our individual and collective experiences infuse and color and inform this.

I am also seeing how impacted I still am by the time my brother in law died.  Literally nothing has been the same since then.  Leading up to that so much was so the same and nothing got better.  Even though things have changed drastically in the past 4 years, I do think it was much needed.

I also recognized today that underneath anger and frustration and difficult feeling toward my husband is anger, frustration, and difficult feeling toward myself.  I am so mad at myself.  For what I'm not exactly sure but it is there.

I am so tired and scared and sad.  I am trying to give myself the opportunity to rest but it is difficult right now.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're grieving, rainy.  lots of changes means lots of losses.  are you feeling like you need to protect yourself?  if so, could that be connected to the tension you're feeling?  just a thought.

you've just gotten finished w/ this job that was uncomfortable for you the entire time. you're second-guessing yourself about your new home.  you're also realizing how many changes there have been in your life connected to your husband and his brother. it's an awful lot.  i think being scared, tired, and sad make a lot of sense.  we've got you.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Lots of valid reasons to feel sad and scared and angry and tired. 

The feeling of being mad at yourself sounds like maybe an emotional flashback, so sending lots of support for this current ride through the weeds of trauma.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support and care, San & Armee. 
............
I am realizing that this is the first time in a long time I've been connected to my body.  I think I've been present but also ignoring myself the past year and a half.  I was so disregulated in the apartment we were living in.

I am still feeling a lot and generally feel upset.

I think the anger at myself is feeling like I should have known better with certain decisions I've made and behavior I accepted.  My parents often made me feel like I should somehow always know everything and seem to not understand what learning is.  And interestingly my parents have often expressed unease with my husband and in-laws.  Part of me wants to scream at them "You taught me to ignore and deny my own needs and left me vulnerable to ignoring red flags."  So, some self compassion is warranted - I have always done the best I could at the time.

I am upset especially today because I dreamt last night of receiving care and support that I don't feel from my husband. Part of me wants to qualify and explain that more...but I don't have to.  Unfortunately sometimes others aren't able to meet our needs even if we are very clear about them.

I think I am entering additional space of healing and it hurts.  I am curious to see how the next several months unfold especially with my in-laws coming in August.  I am in a place where I feel myself letting go and stepping out of the way of my husband's current coping mechanisms (some of which my coping is wrapped up in too).

More uncharted territory and I wish things felt easier.  Some things do but other things don't.  That is what is tricky about healing is it shifts stuff around.