Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1

[Bermuda]

Thanks Armee. Thanks for reassuring me. It feels silly that I have to congratulate myself on simply being able to reply to something negative in a non-self-depreciating way, or even at all.

This issue has been such a hindrance to me. I am a very small woman, and I look much younger than I am. In my professional life I am always treated like an intern. In the past I have attempted to gently point out to employees whom I trained that I am indeed their superior, but no one ever sees me that way. It's laughable. In my personal life I accept other people's shortcomings as if they were my own. I have no spine. I would rather do everything on my own than face the thought of being looked down on, or looked at at all, as if I believe I am inferior. Often it feels like there can be no positive acknowledgement. In this part of the world we refer to this as "Jantelagen". One part of narcissistic abuse is seeing manipulation and assertiveness as negative qualities. People really do place themselves in the world in the eyes of others, and I don't sell myself as large, as important, as intelligent, as strong. I don't sell myself at all. I refuse to participate. So while others battle egos for a place at the table, I sit sad that no one thought to invite me to conversation. I say nothing, and no one ever knows I wanted anything.

I really hold myself back. I am trying to practice taking up more space. In Uni I quietly explain myself through my work so that I don't feel the need to explain myself, so that I can just exist among other people. It's sad.

[NarcKiddo]

Bermuda, you absolutely should be proud of yourself. I think that is an excellent response. And not just from the little I know about you from what you have shared about this topic; I think this would be an excellent response from anyone. Strong, but neutral. The man clearly objected to the shirt and was baiting you to start an argument. But since you (I assume) did not want an argument with some random old man you chose to give a strong, polite and neutral reply rather than appease him in any way or backing off yourself. 

I am sorry you have had to deal with these unpleasant interactions, but I hope your handling of this latest one makes you feel a little stronger and better able to deal with the next one. Of course I hope there will not be a next one, but realistically there has to be. There are unpleasant people everywhere, and even the pleasant ones can sometimes be difficult. Especially if they have no understanding of how their behaviour may be perceived by others. We here have long experience of analysing the behaviours of others in minute detail. It is easy to assume everyone has that ability, but they don't. They haven't had to cultivate it to survive.

I'm also sorry you feel judged here sometimes. I doubt anyone here means to come across that way to you and I doubt even more that they actually judge you, although I have not been around these boards all that long or in any great detail so far. And this kind of circles me round to the fact that you should indeed be proud of yourself. Not just of your interaction with the old man, but because you posted here in spite of the fear that the content of the post itself might cause judgement. And you were brave enough to share your vulnerability; your fear that this might add more judgement to the judgement you are already feeling.

I hope you will welcome and accept a hug.

[cyberJudas]

I'm very happy for you being able to stay calm and respond in a way that didn't cause more stress for you! It's a really hard thing to do for me a lot of the time so I really admire you being able to do that. Thank you for trusting us with this victory, even if you felt like it'd bring more judgement.

[Kizzie]

I'm glad you're back into the forum Bermuda and I'm sorry for how long it took to work out how to get in.  I love computers but truly I despise the IT that goes with it. 

I'm sorry some old fellow had the gall to walk up to you and confront you over your t-shirt. You didn't dissolve though, you just kept it on the cool side so well done.  I don't know about afterward but I hope it's not eating away at you.  I say that because we are so alike in this response to judgement.  As I mentioned in the Zoom group my H is the one who kept telling me it wasn't me, the other person was behaving like a jerk or whatever because I would take it completely to heart.  It took awhile but at some point I saw what he was saying and I was able to see it wasn't me finally! It takes a role model or sometimes allies like you have here.

Today if I were to encounter the fellow who was screaming at me for letting my dog pee on the light standard near not even on his lawn I would know it was him having a huge overreaction given my dog wasn't even peeing on his lawn, and I would most definitely walk him along that path. Back then I was completely embarrassed and humiliated and I shrunk down in size to the little girl who had been hurt like this so much growing up. That would not happen today.   

That old fellow thought it was okay to sidle up to you and try and make you feel uncomfortable.  Well screw him, honestly. You don't get to be disrespectful to someone just because you feel like it. But it's true what NarcKiddo said, these people are everywhere unfortunately and they did not learn respect or consideration so they feel okay foisting their opinions or whatever on people.  It's not okay.

Were I with you and it were okay I would give you and younger you a big hug and tell you what my H told me, it's not you and you don't deserve to feel so bad because of some person behaving like an idiot.   

PS - Good for you for talking about it!  I can hear how hard it is and how sad it makes you but perhaps beginning to talk about it is you beginning to deal with it?

[Bermuda]

Thank you NarcKiddo. You are right. As I have expressed before, I often feel confused when confronted. I somehow expect that others process situations like I do, but that is unrealistic. Imagine the whole world being hypervigilant! That would surely be unpleasant.

Talking about it does help Kizzie, a lot. I would also stand beside you and your dog. I have been practicing my glare and I think that would be the perfect situation to utilise it in. When I was younger, when I was teased and reacted displeased. I was always told things like, "Haha, look a little fairy with Napoleon complex, so cute!" One day I will be a little old German lady, so I best practice my glare now.

In all seriousness, it's not eating me up now that I shared it. My loneliness and isolation have just been difficult, always, but lately I feel it strongly. I think part of why these things upset me so much, is that I have so little social interaction that it feels like an overwhelming majority of my interactions outside my home are negative. I'm at the stage in parenthood in which everything is full-on all the time, we're always in the middle of a transition in routine, and my husband and I are busy. There is no "after the kids go to bed" ...That feels like a myth. So, these random acts of anger that I encounter just feel overbearing and remind me of my desperate lack of human connection that I have always bore. No one in the street stops me to complement me on my steadfast adhesion to social norms and societal standards.

[Kizzie]

It would be lovely to be walking together and turn to each other and say something like, "Well he's sure got his shorts in a knot doesn't he?" laugh and continue on chatting about what a lovely day it is, aren't the flowers pretty, etc?

I think you're right about us each being isolated and not having this kind of connection. When we don't, incidents like your old fellow and my yelling fellow strike straight into the wounded part of us and there is nothing to help us have some perspective, see it's not us that has the problem, and regulate our emotions. 

I suspect that no more silence and connecting with others will equal no more shame in the long run.

[Bermuda]

Kizzie, You surely suspect correctly. I would leave feeling more isolated, and I would blame myself. I have evidence.

I've been so busy. All I want right now is to hide in my closet and reorganise it. I have simple desires.

It was Midsommar here in Sweden and I was invited to a get together to celebrate. There were many people there, and I had some interesting conversations. In general I think it went well, but I don't feel well. I have a friend who is very good at communicating and I secretly tried to mirror her communication style to blend in, and it really worked. I was able to hold a conversation with someone about themselves, act relatively normal, and project 'active listening'.

We made flower crowns, built and decorated a flower pole in a small village where a few elderly villagers came out, we danced around it while a young family played guitar and sang. We came back and dug potatoes from their garden and harvested herbs. We made a little lunch. We sang old Swedish songs about Spring from a very very old book. We laughed and watched the deer and foxes from the garden as we ate a huge dinner at 9pm in full sun. It was lovely.

...But I haven't contacted anyone since. It was very difficult for me. I felt very much like an outsider, although I don't think anyone could tell. --Lady friends all dressed in floral sundresses dancing around a phallic symbol, and me, the frog. I felt like I was wearing a costume, acting, trying not to say anything telling about myself, trying to avoid conversation about me, participating for the sake of avoiding participation, noticing everyone's emotional states amplified. It was draining,

...And I just want to hide in my closet and sort clothes.

With midsommar over I'm looking forward to autumn coming soon. I want turtlenecks so tall I can actually hide in them rather than my closet. I need to return to university; summer holiday is so unnecessary. Routine keeps me distracted.

[Moondance]

Bermuda I can so relate to how your feeling.  In social settings which I currently choose to not take part of now I have often mirrored behaviour as you mentioned.

It's almost too painful to do much of anything I find.

I don't even think I can pretend to be part of so I really admire your continued efforts to go and be with others however difficult or uncomfortable it is for you.

A friend texted me a pic of a cute dress.  She said too short for me but it would be really cute for you.  Yeah, I don't want to be cute, I don't feel cute or anything remotely like it.  I then realized yeah my depression is even showing in how I dress. Her intention was to be encouraging but it felt like a reminder how depressed I am and shame about others seeing me this way.

I hope you get to do something you really want yo do today, whatever that might be Bermuda.

My thoughts are with you and I stand with you.

 

[Bermuda]

Moondance, I can really relate to that. Midsommar is such an overtly 'feminine' celebration and it really made me feel uncomfortable.

It's a strange thing to think about appearance and so-called feminity and the many layers of trauma, expectations, and identity there are. That will surely take a life-time to unpack. I am a woman, but what does that mean? No idea. It was sad at the moment to be around all these well-dressed women with their hair down, and I came home wanting to change the way I express myself outwardly. I dress very modest, but it's not because I am modest. I am most certainly not, not that I am immodest either, which ironically means something entirely different. A strange observation.

I digress.

I am doing something I want today. I have a fear of becoming The Giving Tree. I don't own a floral dress, and I don't want one. I am working my autumn/winter capsule wardrobe into the style Dark Academia mixed with quirky old lady. You know the type with the large bauble necklaces and red plastic-framed oversized glasses? I want that level of confidence. Summer makes me uncomfortable, so I am looking ahead to darker times, thicker fabric, and quirky brooches with dangly lady-bits. Armour.

Sometimes the answer isn't to meet expectations. I will never be the woman in the flowy white dress, and maybe a mini dress isn't for you. Maybe a mildly inappropriate brooch is the answer, or something else entirely. Our feelings definitely show in the way we dress, but also I know that when I wear a collared skirt with a ribbed turtle neck underneath and I button every single button, I feel better. I feel safer. I feel oddly freer.

I wanted to back out. I would have cancelled but I felt like it wasn't an option because they were preparing a plate for me. It was good and bad. If I don't do things that are challenging, I stop doing things, and everthing gets more challenging.

[Moondance]

Agree with all you've said andreally appreciate your response.

I will look for small ways to express my individuality whether that be approving to others or not.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you're doing something you want, Bermuda. Meeting expectations is usually draining, in my experience. And also impossible, really, since everyone around us has varying expectations. I think I would have had mixed feelings about Midsommar, too. 

[CactusFlower]

I think creating your own style that works for you and makes you feel safe is very brave. I do find the older I get, the easier it seems to be to be allowed to be "odd". And yes, it's much easier to start small. 

[Bermuda]

It seems I keep posting and deleting or typing and not posting.

I am going through the last two days as if I'm being squeezed by a python. I feel completely zoned out, shopping and not buying what I came there for. Forgetting which direction I'm walking, where I'm going, forgetting to look up.

Pressure, and lost.

[Armee]

That was my week last week, too. I hope the pressure and lostness and dissociation loosen up for you soon. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry to hear that, Bermuda. If you're zoned out then maybe you need to be, temporarily. Until you are up to processing whatever it is that is getting to you right now. Not that it is very helpful to be zoned out in everyday life. I get that.

I hope things get easier soon.