Eerie Anne's Journal

[sanmagic7]

i hope it's helping you to get this all out here, EA.  one of the things that bothered me the most was your tapestry being hung incorrectly.  i felt myself squinch up thinking of you having to look at it alike that every day.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

After D, I "dated" a guy for about a year...which sounds like a lot, but in reality I only saw him 6 times.  In thinking about him I learned a lot about myself, and this is what I said about me during our introductory texts...

I'm a work in progress at best...

I tend to be organized in some aspects of my life, but I also tend to get overwhelmed easily.  I'm learning to be kinder to myself because I realize that I can't compare myself to others expectations of my capacity and I just need to accept the pace I am able to work at.  I've had cognitive disabilities since childhood, and have always implemented modifications for myself.  It's only recently I've had better self awareness of my limitations and been able to forgive myself for not doing "more" I spend oodles of time on YouTube and being lazy, then berating myself for not being more disciplined.  It's all perspective

I wouldn't describe myself as social, as in I'm incredibly shy and don't really know how to talk to people about superficial bs.  At a party, I end up finding a dog or a kid to interact with as I'm more comfortable with them.  Most conversations are about sports (don't watch) news (don't want to get into a debate) tv shows or movies I don't watch/haven't seen, games I haven't played, places I haven't been, people I don't know.  At the best parties, I've found like minded people that make me feel comfortable enough to open up and talk about things that are interesting to me, most likely people that have social anxiety and don't like being in the middle of a party, so we're off in a quiet side room having an authentic conversation...if that makes sense.  I get overstimulated when there's too many people, too much noise, too much drinking...etc. In the past, I would just tolerate it and then be completely emotionally/physically drained, and wake up the next morning feeling like I had a hangover (even though I don't drink).  With the self-work I've been doing for the past few months, I realize I can totally just tell someone, or step outside and get some air, or whatever it is I need and no one that matters would judge me for it, but it is a long overdue thing I've only just started to realize.

In reading this now, I see I was just told I was shy my entire life, but really I don't know how to have a conversation with a person I have nothing in common with.  I don't know how to FIND things in common with people that frankly, do not invest any interest in getting to know me...and I keep blaming myself for it.  Letting people label me as shy because they are too self involved and lack compassion

This part is funny, because it was at the start of my last healing journey, whatever year my dad died (linear time, ha!) but it might as well have been written today...because I have literally been saying the same thing for years...

In this pandemic I didn't crave social interaction "in person" I just needed someone to talk to.  Not having anyone to talk to caused my thoughts to spiral out of control without having a sounding board to verify, "is my reaction to this situation valid or am I overreacting?" I'd read articles and reach out, but there was a period of time where everyone was so busy with their own problems no one really replied to me and I got really depressed/anxious.  I realized afterwards that the pandemic had triggered my PTSD and if I had someone outside of myself to point it out to me (I wasn't consciously aware)...but whatever, I became aware and now I'm doing everything I can not only to get it under control, but actually heal from it...still get triggered occasionally, it's hard not to with some new drama happening almost every day. #irony

when I was 8 I basically took on an adult role in the house and cared for myself and others the best I could, and I never really stopped playing that role.  When I went to college, I picked a college in proximity of my grandfather so I could care for him while also in school (and working 3 jobs to pay for said college) because he had Alzheimer's.  I didn't have time to develop social skills or do the typical things that people did because I was caregiver and needed to "adult".  I use quotes too much.  It's more that I want to emphasize those words in text, because tone is hard to read. I became a teacher after college and for 8 years had to "dumb down" everything I said to be on a child's level.  I think that was the point I struggled to have adult conversations, because I didn't, for years...I worked, and went home, and maybe chatted with people online, but didn't have a social life. If I wasn't at work, I was working on work - lesson plans, creating manipulatives, grading papers, etc. It took over my entire life and I got burnt out. I gave up teaching and entered the fresh ring of * that led me to here. 

Years ago when I initially made friends online and then eventually met them in real life, so many were surprised that I was "just like I was online" and I was confused, like of course I am, what did you expect? And they'd say a lot of people pretend to be a certain way online and then you meet them in person and...well

[Eireanne]

i hope it's helping you to get this all out here, EA.  one of the things that bothered me the most was your tapestry being hung incorrectly.  i felt myself squinch up thinking of you having to look at it alike that every day.  love and hugs

LOL it is, thank you.  I can't move forward in my job search from a place of fear, so to get out all the things I've been afraid to say, and all the other emotions going on is really helpful.  Appreciate you understanding how frustrating my limitations are in not being able to fix the tapestry myself, LOL.  Fortunately, it's behind me, so I rarely if ever look at it, other than when I initially walk into the room.  Still...to have it hung correctly would be really nice...eventually I'll make a friend who is taller than me and can come over and help

[Eireanne]

I've got all these YouTube videos saved, so I decided I really need to just devote a chunk of time every day to go through them.  Today's video is about relationships when you are an anxious avoidant, which I was told I was because, "anxious attachment style have a hyper sensitivity to being alone" um...yes.  That's called chronic isolation.  And all the "worrying" she is talking about comes across as insecurities, but in reality it's asking for a thing that is lacking...and of course it triggered a flood of emotions, most of which I was able to capture in one place or another. 

The video says, "if he's really into you he'll do that all on his own and you don't have to ask him" which is kind of like the little game I play with myself, where I stop texting someone and see how long it takes them to text me.  Which is how I recognized that I initiate every interaction I have.  I was the one asking, "can we hang out, can we do something" I'm still doing that. Hey, let's put something on the calendar, I'd love to catch up!" But after doing it, 2....3....5? Times (over the course of months, btw) I finally give up asking and then wait and see if they text.  99% of the time, they didn't, and the story I'm telling myself is these people are not my friends, they are not "into me" or they would do it all on their own. 

Which makes me grieve A...who is coming over tomorrow.  He's been the one person who has consistently shown up for me, held space for me, bore witness for me...but he's ignoring everything I am asking him for, which means he's incapable of giving it.  And I am not sure what that means, so we're going to talk about it...and I'm not sure how that talk is going to go...but the pattern recognition is that we'll stop talking again...same as when he stopped talking to me the last time this pattern looped. 

The video she's basically talking about tone of voice.  If you are "secure" you can say, "where were you?" in a calm, curious manner, but if you're aggressive or anxious that will "drive your man away" LOL  But when watched through the filter of "I'm chronically isolated and was in a narcissistic abusive relationship" that change in perspective makes everything pointless.  Again, it puts all the effort on "her" to watch her tone, to be easy, breezy, fun...and doesn't focus enough on what the other person should be doing. 

[Eireanne]

Trigger Warning

Babies don't have the skills of self soothing. Self soothing is learned through receiving soothing from someone else, then you learn to do it for yourself. So they learned, well no one's gonna be there for me, so I can't depend on people.

I keep replaying scenarios the videos are mentioning against memories I have of my own lived experience and realized everyone was missing the point.  Filtering my reactions through their own lived experience and assumptions. 

________________________________________

I've mentioned in previous posts that I have a Cassandra Complex, or CC for short.  I always worry about "self-fulfilling prophesy", because I worry, if I say it out loud, will it come true? If I type it? If I think it? So I was just...you know, trying really hard not to think it, but knowing it was coming...and you don't know when, so you can't prepare for it.  I keep thinking back to the first time I had it BIG...not all the little ones, like answering people's questions they hadn't actually asked...The car accident one...the one that ended up with me going to jail.  It was...how do you stop it, what's the right decision to make? I can never figure it out, and then everyone says you overthink everything, you are too hard on yourself, but how can I not when I see something coming, and I know nothing I do or say or don't do or refrain from saying will stop or avert it.  Like knowing you're going to get into a car accident.  So you think, I just won't drive, I'll stay in the house.  You know from every accident you've been in, it's never your fault, it's always circumstances outside of your control, the OTHER driver, you can't control anyone but yourself, and there's no sense worrying about it, so you go out and you live your life, but the...like, it's just always there, so you focus on gratitude, and healing and know the pattern is waiting.  It's like a horror movie. 

I think this is what I must have felt at the event...that moment I realized my position was going to be eliminated.  Because I don't have panic attacks like everyone says...my heart doesn't race.  My breathing is shallow, but that's because I feel numb, like I'm under water, so I don't think to breathe...but to look at me...to the untrained eye...I probably look like I'm in shock.  People may assume I am dissociating.  It's just a numbness, where the thing I knew was going to happen happens and everything just slows down.  It's everything and nothing at the same time...and the only thing I know for sure if I don't have cognitive function in the sense if you asked me something right now, I would respond as I'm conditioned to, with no short term memory of the conversation after.  There's too much going on and my brain just can't...which is the story I tell myself, but obviously it's not true, because I'm typing my thoughts, which means I'm not capturing them correctly because I don't have the words.  So I'll just say the words....

The pattern is lose my job, get into a car accident, lose everyone you thought was your friend, lose your home.  And I mentioned the pattern to the girl I drive to the grocery store...yesterday.  That I can't control it, so I just hope every time I have to drive that this isn't the time that I get into a car accident.  I've done everything I can to keep me and my car safe, but...I wasn't even leaving the house today.  Someone hit my car while it was parked in front of my house.  And it's  not like I'm NOT focusing on the positive, that I can still open the door, it's still driveable, I can take it to be repaired tomorrow...It's not the end of the world I'm not catastrophizing, or panicking or even have the slightest bit of anxiety...it's the fact that I KNEW it was going to happen...I didn't insist, I didn't act in a certain way to bring it about even subconsciously...but what happens is my brain starts doing the what ifs? or the shoulds - you shouldn't have parked it in the front (well, last year almost to the date we parked on the side and got our catalytic converter stolen)...there's literally nothing I could have done or not to prevent this.  I wasn't even IN it.  Bad stuff happens.  On a daily basis...but knowing that and feeling it are two different things, and I realize, there's literally no one I can even call and talk to...because there's nothing to say but what I already said. 

It's the pattern recognition, I KNEW I was going to get into an accident, but I hoped that maybe if I just didn't drive it...but the universe looked down and laughed and said, "I'll show her!" haha  Hope is watching a documentary about Anne Frank and getting to the end and thinking....maybe this time she'll survive....you already know the ending. Hope is just something silly they tell you to hold on to.  Or maybe a thing other people have.  You know, the people with babies they tell to self sooth maybe. 

I've got the whole soothing thing down, it doesn't um...really do anything in the way of stopping people from hitting my car though, does it? 

[Eireanne]

I had a mini-rant in my head about the tapestry, lol.  The thing is, the thinking I do, the not figuring out a "successful" way of navigating that situation, I specifically said, "wait, we are hanging it the wrong way, we need to turn it around" and K said, It's fine the way it is, and the story under the story I heard is, I need to be thankful she convinced A to come with her to help me, he wouldn't have done it for me, he's only doing it for her (and that in itself is my trigger with him, combined with the fact he's one of the people I reached out to for help who completely dismissed my ask) and it's like, I have all these people I have to tolerate being in my life and I can never tell them exactly the way they make me feel, because that's passive aggressive....so if I were even to MENTION to K that it bothered me the tapestry is sideways and I really wish I could get it fixed, people would tell me that's being passive aggressive, but it's NOT, it literally bothers me that I couldn't get something done the way I wanted it done. And it's just heaped on there with all the other things I ask for, but the message I get, the story I hear is, "You are too needy, to be an adult you handle dealing with the car accident without telling anyone about it, because everyone else learns how to deal with their own * without running to all of their friends...this is why every time I talk to my friends I hear about all the things no one bothered to tell me...so why is it I always want to share my experiences with other humans?  Because I need validation?  Anyway, that wasn't even a thought I was stuck on, it was a split second and the only reason I shared was because sanmagic mentioned it, lol

So I looked up Cassandra Complex, because I wasn't sure if there was an actual story associated with the original Cassandra, and came across this:

Cassandra syndrome is a type of relationship trauma that some experts place in the category of complex PTSD. The symptoms of anxiety, anger, hypervigilance, and dissociation aren't the result of a singular traumatic event. Rather, they stem from an ongoing lack of intimacy and social connection, emotional deprivation, and a profoundly disharmonious relationship.

"By the time you get to the therapist, they're so distraught, and they're so stoic," said Margot Alexis, founder of the membership support group, Healing Cassandra.

The dynamic leaves many women feeling unheard, frequently viewed as hysterical. "Historically, women have often been labeled as 'histrionic'—exaggerating, over explaining their concerns, making a big deal out of something"

This article bothered me, but this one bit was curious...I'm going to leave it here, because I don't know what I think about it yet, but it brings up all the times I felt invisible, repeating myself over and over, getting louder and louder because I was being dismissed or misunderstood.  The time my sociopath brother acted all calm like I was the one who needed help, because I don't understand grey rock or disassociate...I have hysterical, why can't you see what he's doing, look, look...why am I the only one that sees?  That's not autism. 

[sanmagic7]

EA, i looked up the CC, and it reminds me of when i go see a doc. ugh!  i hate that you've experienced it, too.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

Thank you sanmagic    I tried reading other people's journals...but I'm...as one of my friends put so aptly today, I'm running triage right now, and my brain can only handle so much. 

HR woman who is investigating my "alleged" complaint about being retaliated against (she says alleged, even though my concern was my position was going to be eliminated, so she's investigating the validity of my fear...now that my position has been eliminated??) only confirmed she would meet with me today about an hour prior to meeting.  I had assumed I was just going to get out as much as I could in one hour, but she wants to continue following up.  My therapist was on the call, which will be helpful, because then I don't have to "fill her in" when I'm not consciously aware of what I even said during that hour. I mostly had taken notes because I knew what I wanted to get across, and I did to the best of my ability, only being triggered once at having to tell them...and get an EF in the telling, so of course that was fun...the thing is, I've been "practicing" every day anyway, of sitting in that feeling and just observing it and being ok with it, and trying to put into words what it feels like...and what it's not.  I have extremely valid responses to experiences, I do not have panic attacks, or anxiety, I am not depressed.  I am socially isolated, dealing with a traumatic incident....followed by, oh I don't know, 15 other traumatic things in the course of 3 years? But I still have to SAY the things to process the things...there was so much (is still so much) I am still just now understanding about what took place that it was important for me to say the things the way they needed to be said.

I knew what would happen once I started telling her and that's why I insisted I have my therapist present.  I just want to get it over with because it's not as if I have a job there to save anymore...but it's good to help me understand what happened and how so I don't end up working in the same sort of environment, because being treated like that is all I've even experienced.  I didn't know about psychological safety, and autonomy and setting boundaries, so I didn't know those were things I should have.  Once I asked for it, L said I was acting out.  She observed me having confidence and told my manager I had an attitude.  I started reading all these articles on workplace bullying and it was like reading my entire life.  I can't remember a time when I wasn't bullied.  THIS is why I have social anxiety, because I'm just waiting for people to be mean to me.  Not because I'm shy or have autism.  I get anxious when I literally can't think of anything to say because sometimes, the highlight of my day is getting a squirrel to come stand next to me and run up to my shoes and eat peanuts for a bit. 

Most people don't like squirrels, and can't understand...but it's a good childhood memory for me, and honestly, the squirrels pay attention to me more than any of the humans I walk past in my neighborhood.  I literally stopped masking - masking to me is making a pleasant, friendly, outward appearance...now I'm so convinced I'm invisible, I don't bother.  I listen to my music and I cry if I want and I sing if I need, and the most I will get from any neighbor is maybe 2.5 seconds worth of eye contact and a half smile if I say "Hello".  Now that I've stopped even doing that, these people walk right by me as if I were a fire hydrant.  So sorry if, at a social event, I stand awkwardly next to them and have no topic of conversation that invites them interacting with me in more than a monosyllabic fashion. 

I realize these people suck and I don't actually WANT to be friends with any of them. 

[Eireanne]

From 2020 - Trigger Warnings

The overlaying feeling is sadness. Sad at not having the traditions I've always wanted, sad to go back to the way things were before, even if for the most part I love my freedom, not having human interaction is really going to get to me.

Glad he is leaving, glad ...


Here it is, another productive day, another epiphany day another night when the thoughts and emotions come so fast and furious that I get distracted from the ability to journal about it.  So let me see how much I can break down.

It doesn't have to be in linear order, in fact it's better it doesn't since I can't think linearly anyway.

Which is funny because I just looped around completely, so let's see how much of it I can get out before the loop passes. 

There's two levels, at the same time I can see both of them.  My level  His. 

I'm singing Dido and they sound like I'm heartbroken, listening to "cheater" music, that I'm broken hearted over him sitting in the office hiding away sobbing pining over him, because I'm trying to convince myself that he was cheating on me and "that is why we broke up"

His version of the narrative: He was this hard pressed victim, seems to attract crazy women, first his ex-wife, and he put up with her for 10 years!  He put up with my multiple (redacted) for 6 years, and threatened if I dare "try that" again (meaning, using X to win an argument) he'll break up with me...he warned me, he could only take so much, that was his breaking point, he's so traumatized by it he turned to both women and men, just to have someone to talk to, because "she made me swear I wouldn't tell anyone we broke up because she was so ashamed of what she did".  His story.

My story...

He didn't start talking to these people until AFTER we "broke up"


See the looping helps me remember different parts of the story, so I pick up wherever I left off and eventually I'll loop back around...like the tines on a music box, you just have to wait for the loop, pick up where you left off then get it all down until the looping stops, then read it a few days later and make sense of it.  THAT is the journal, THAT is the breakthrough, that is what I need to be able to do more often, because getting my thoughts out IN WORDS is really hard for me.  I mis-say things, like when I said like instead of equivalent, and see exactly there, I prefer text because I blanked on that word and it would have derailed the entire story, but now I can just tab, look, ok, come back, keep going, less looping.  When I forget an actual word it makes my whole thought process fall apart like cars on the candle train...see? Candle train, and then I remember it's a story I have to get back to, but when I just "Say" it that way, it just sounds like I'm nuts (to me) but you just go with it, you don't let it phase you, you just laugh, even if you don't get it.  Now I (water makes me loop). don't know...don't know if you laugh out of nervousness or if it's more I think in pictures) because I do that too! and I love that we have that in common because that's just another way that you get me, and then I like, want to cry, because there's someone that gets me...and it loops back to THAT conversation, which I can't even remember if I typed or told...which is WHY I need to have more nights like this, because I don't want to be like this ...I am not saying I need to be at 100%, I'm not aiming for perfection (explain another time, because this is another derailment trap)

I'm recognizing the traps more and I'm able to stop it when I journal, when I journal it lets me get all my picture thoughts out into words in the order that I Need it to be in, like this, all...fractured? but that's the part I need to discuss...

I have to soothe to get back to the GOOD headspace, but I'm controlling it now, I did it tonight, I controlled it with the things from my break glass in case of emergency...yeah so close maybe...will drink water and music for a bit until calm.

I have two conversations at the same time and when I get to type them I can dissect them and put them in the right spots

and right now we're back to the concept of the two layers, because MY layer is, I can't wait for him to be gone (even the LYRICS!) so I can go pee when I want! and they sound like "omgs don't leave me" and I'm so cathartic crying over how * wonderful this feels that I'm so close to being FREE, being able to * heal from this !@$, being able to speak MY truth and have people believe me...but also be sad because I never had the tradition, and why couldn't he just get it? That if I say I need tradition to DO THE F-ING THING JHU LI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

looping are just really distractions that derail my train of thought. It's why I prefer journaling to talking to a tape.  I think in images, and it takes me a while to translate into words, like abstract thoughts.  Sometimes I'm never able to put my words into thoughts, and that's why I just sit and listen. and I crave being a part of the conversation, but he needed everything to be all about him, see there's that layer again (poor me, he was so domineering, I was so submissive, NOT what I mean.  how it's interpreted??  Ok what I need was the time to re-learn how to pick semantically the right word.

And what D would do was get me all worked up so I would just blurt out half formed thoughts. and I don't DO that anymore, and I lay it all out for him

I wanted spicy ramen, I told him I wanted it, I told him to write it down, he agreed, then he knocked I told him to write it down, I gave in and gave him what he needed, I even said, I understand you are needy right now, you do realize you're going to have to start doing these things for yourself

Am I being manipulative by seeing both truths, seeing both layers and knowing which one to tell to make them pick me. But then I always tell them MY wrong too, I want to figure out the truth, I'm not TRYING to start drama, or manipulate or trick, or...whatever the other word is, you can fill it in again when you loop back..

So now every time I want some spicy ramen I have to remind myself that I'm opening up to the question again, I sat him down and explained about the plastic, and his takeaway no matter how calmly I explained it was that I was purposely hiding it, I told him it's in a box, I told him I can't get to it, that was just two hours ago, why is he doing this? Why can't he stop threatening me? I need my boundaries respected, and he's too abusive/re-writing his narrative in real time. and that makes me really worry about him (is the manipulation) but also my way of getting to tell MY side like I'm the hard pressed putting up with his crazy while I supported him for a year and he sits in the bedroom, or outside this room after dark, and sharpens his knives or plays with his gun that he doesn't have a permit for. I have the photos, he either has one or wants me to think he has one he is amused at the fact that I'm completely nuts.  We just don't hear each others language and seeing other people's dynamic, going through therapy, having all those IMMEDIATE breakthroughs, starting neurofeedback, rewiring.  I think I've finally looped around?  I'd have to loop around again to see.

If he was gone I could make the ramen and not have to second guess if I'm doing it as a show (his rewrite) this is gaslighting. or because I really want them

I broke it down for him. I got hit in the head, I wasn't thinking, everything is just shoved, if there's anything I inadvertently have of yours I can't get it, I can't get the rice cooker, I can't get any of my things, this was ESTABLISHED, then suddenly, I'm hiding the plastic container from him, I sat him down, I said, I asked you in august-october then I got rid of them, I have mine, and put his in the drawer and got rid of the rest, too much clutter, he wouldn't help me sort them so I stopped sorting them, he's going to need to learn how to sort, I asked him all he wanted to do was put them on the washing machine so I just started tossing them in too. I don't even USE his I haven't for months, since OCTOBER why now? Don't have it, can't go back in time, like the boxes, like everything else he wants, and I say then you need to wait, I can't get it on your time, you need to wait until I have time, and he says ok, then immediately rewrites his narrative and says so you're really not going to get it for me? Fine, then LEAVE we're done, get out!

Just start with Have I given you any cause to mistrust me? Please know I want to talk to you about things, but I just can't yet...I am almost there, I've actually written a fair amount of it to be able to process it...basically in a nutshell, it's  not that I'm being guarded it's that I think in images, and sometimes it takes me a while to say something the way I'm ensured it's meaning is intended...

still looping hard, but I'm so tired and I don't know where the mouse is, I just want to relax.  This feels so good I don't want to have to keep stopping the good feeling to make sure I capture the words.  About D using his last equity card because I sat him down and explained this is what he wanted, so he can't keep having me explain things to him, I don't need to use my energy on it anymore, he's not my problem anymore.  He says he knows, but then he immediately knocks and doesn't respect my boundaries even though that's what I repeatedly verbally said.  With the whole restraining order of protection, by all means if you guys ever feel conflicted about who to invite, please invite him - I won't feel slighted, and honestly he needs the human interaction more than I do, he goes for long stretches of time living in his reframed narrative, he sometimes can't keep track of days, he admitted he goofed off at work and didn't make any effort and that's probably why he lost his job, but then immediately reframed it to "I'm just furloughed" so he hasn't looked for a job since his one initial conversation with a recruiter that never called him back, HE just plays video games, then tells me he's not played video games in weeks then tells J that he sits around and plays video games, whichever version of the narrative will most impress...now really dido.

If I didn't capture it, it'll loop around again


I want a relationship with someone who makes me want to be a better person, I put up with a lot for the sake of trying to be understanding of someone's flaws, someone's shortcomings, because god knows I have my own, but this, this is just abuse

His perception of me didn't match my perception of myself and the more he tried to fit me into the space he carved out for me the more I pushed against it, I didn't understand why he insisted on treating me a certain way, or dismissing my needs and desires.

[Eireanne]

Also from 2020

I lost my cool but was able to verbalize why, it's when I can't process/put into words the why that I start feeling...unsteady....I can't get my footing, I can't bite my tongue, I get defensive and upset and that's what he wants.  He wants me to feel defensive and upset so I'll tell all our friends how he wronged me, so he can justify that I'm delusional, thinking everyone is out to get me.  He was channeling my brother SO hard it scares me, I'm sitting here sobbing, and he took that from me, he took my power, my sense of safety, making me doubt, verbalizing all my past fears, because he's a bully, he's abusive, he's so manipulative and lies about everything.  Even just saying THAT when in reality ALL I have to be guilty of is suffering from trauma.

The thing is, I can say, D did XYZ and people can respond, what a d-, I can't believe it.  They are my friends, so they believe me unquestioningly. They aren't going to say, ok but WHY did he do that, did you do something to set him off? No, they are just going to unconditionally trust me at my word.  Here's the thing, HIS friends and family are going to do the same thing.  He is going to say, Living with EA has been like this: And use examples based on my triggered behaviors, like all the times he would intentionally cause my outbursts because he knew what buttons to push, and I didn't see it for what it was, because I was trying too hard to make the relationship work, I couldn't understand why I'd ask him to do something and he'd do the exact opposite, especially when we were in front of people, I would feel so humiliated, and he'd USE that, rubbing in how all our friends hate me, and I'll never have anyone etc. 

With a situation like how over the years we have ALL become friends, I don't expect you to a) listen to my rants about how he done me wrong, because I'm sure he's got similar rants of his own, and I don't want it to be where my friends don't know who to believe or feel stuck in the middle, especially in social situations where they are so afraid it's going to be awkward if we invite them both....so by all means, continue being friends with him if you choose, and by all means continue to invite him on occasions you feel his presence would add to the festivities. 

I see so much clearer now how he did the same thing with his ex-wife, and why she started distancing herself from mutual friends.  I do not wish to do that, but I do not want to have to interact with him any longer.  I will try not to get into specifics of the dynamics of our relationship or his behavior these past few months, just know that I feel as if I dodged a bullet, I am really working on myself and feeling really good about the direction my life is going in.  I want to be surrounded by people I love who support me, and I hope you would continue to be a part of that.  I cannot control his words, thoughts, deeds or actions, I know I want to be my authentic self and speak my truth, and have that truth respected and acknowledged.  I do not want my loved ones feel like they have to "pick sides".

There's still a disconnect between my head and body...letting him get me off balance scared, not being able to be "fake" with him, and wish him well like he was doing with me, which he'll use to further illustrate HIS belief and it's not like I CARE, but it took me until after I had looped to realize that's what should have done...I am not good at these games.  Also I keep ranting in my head about stuff he did, like I need to keep listing them out, journaling more, but I'm all over the place right now, I need to unpack, no I need to find the sage, no I need to clean, no I need to go to the store, no I need to get water and eat, no I need to shower, and then all of the emotions hit me but I do everything I know to do.

[Eireanne]

Yep, still 2020 With Trigger Warnings

I wasted 6 years with you and I cried, "but how come I have to go back to what I had before", except now, it's "wait, you mean I could go back to what I had before?"  Because now it's different, I'm different and I WANT this time, I was trying to get this time and I felt like you monopolized all of it, but that if we lived together I'd have all my time back because you'd be a part of it also, only you not only never encouraged me, you demotivated me. When I told you about THAT you'd just ignore me, my needs were never of any interest to you which made me think something was wrong with me and I needed to try HARDER. for years. 

Well, I guess this explains why I lost everything and now I'm sitting home alone - so I can focus on "going back to what I had before" - thanks Past Me!


All I would do is ask him in a variety of ways to make modifications to the things he was doing to trigger my PTSD, I'd illustrate, when you walk out on me, it triggers a fear of abandonment, if you need space TELL me, communicate with me, acknowledge me, tell me you need to calm down and we'll talk when we could both be rational but you NEVER would, you'd just calm down and come back like nothing happened and acting like nothing happened would just make me feel invisible over and over again, so I'd scream to not feel so invisible.  I TOLD you, but what I didn't realize is that to this day you just dismiss it, I'm just having a meltdown, I think everyone is out to get me, I embarrass him in front of our friends, how come I can't control myself, why do I have to be so hysterical?

[Eireanne]

2020

Emotionally Immature Parent - Someone who lacks the emotional development needed to recognize how they feel, be ok with it, and move on to parenting their child. 

They get hung up on their own experience and don't know how to be there for their child...similar to emotionally unavailable mothers (look that up).

Emotional Immaturity - walk through life blaming their situation on other people, rarely look inwardly, instead of assuming responsibility for how they feel, they expect others to see their point of view. They attempt to control others.

I struggle with this because when I hear it defined in this way, I can't help but think that I (resemble) that definition.  I do expect people to see my point of view, if someone's actions are negatively affecting me, I do attempt to get them to become aware of it and change.  I do blame situations on my circumstances, like losing my job, or my education, or the choices that were made without the resources necessary to make informed decisions, or the way my brain is wired now.  I'm not blaming, I'm just...acknowledging. How can I take responsibility for the pandemic?  I just get confused, and then in trying to clear up my confusion, if I try to talk to someone else about it, to make sense, they often misinterpret my poor choice of semantics and assume I'm being a victim.

Emotionally immature people are emotionally dependent. They seek to find reasons to justify their feelings and often are skilled at manipulating others. Rather than accept what is, emotionally dependent people tend to obsess about how to get others to think like them. They will resort to unhealthy behaviors to get their way, even if it cost them what was once a loving relationship.

Red Flags: Always blames others for things that upset them and fail to see their own role in it, always expects others to apologize.

D wouldn't do that though, he would always say I'm sorry about this...and I would say what I was sorry for, and we would agree to work at it (but no work would actually be done, just the promise of it).

**You were a parentified child - but I was :/

They are attention seeking - need you to shower them with affection and praise

Laundry list of things you've done wrong over the years - Mom

Don't have many close friendships: If they do, they don't last long

Super sensitive to any hurtful thing done to them, but are oblivious to how their actions affect others (D would accuse me of this, but would NEVER tell me something was bothering him, or like it wouldn't bother him and then suddenly it would, and then he'd just lash out and I'd feel as if it came out of nowhere, and I'd ask him to communicate with me, but nothing changed. I'd fall into the same traps over and over again).

Stuck in their own emotions: I was.  I was dealing with PTSD and Trauma are those overlapping?

I literally could not see outside my own pain. 

Figure out what you want from a relationship and what they are able to give you, grieve the loss of the relationship you want and accept the relationship they are able to give you.  Set up healthy boundaries.

[Eireanne]

Not having your emotional needs met as a child leaves us without a secure foundation to grow from. We can struggle to understand we are valued, or who we are, and could go unnoticed for years.

Those who have suffered from emotional neglect often don't even know it was happening, because this type of neglect isn't something we can easily see. Many parents who were emotionally neglectful give their children every material thing they need, and from the outside look like amazing parents. But if their child needs any emotional support or encouragement from them, they are nowhere to be found.

HOW TO RECOVER:

1. Start noticing/tracking your feelings: Print out feelings charts and track them each day. It may be hard at first, so start with the easier ones (often tired, sad, and worried are easier to begin with). It's normal for us to not know how we feel all the time, but give yourself the chance to listen to your body and acknowledge all that you may be feeling. I do know how I feel all the time. I have no problem expressing my feelings, it's the body sensations...like the "numbness" I feel at the realization the thing I knew was going to happen did happen and there's nothing I can do to stop it...what feeling is that? Resignation?  Hopelessness?  What does it matter if I can't accurately name it, it's not like anyone is asking.

2. Try describing the feeling word you selected without using that exact word (ex. I am feeling energized, excited, and bubbly - when describing happy) Yes, I try my best to describe accurately what is going on

3. Begin noticing your needs: What are the things you need physically to survive? How about things you need emotionally? When do they come up? Take your time thinking about these, and even pretend that someone you love had those needs to. What would you think about them then? I've been telling everyone what I need, they come up every day, every time I have something I need to ask someone else's help for, and they start to give it, and it's halfway there, but then it's not...and the awkward of me needing to give them a reminder, and knowing this is going to be another instance of not being able to get my needs met.  Good rule of thumb, unless I can do 100% of the things on my own, I'm not going to be able to get it done and I just need to learn to live without.


4. Self-Care! I know I talk about this a lot, but when it comes to healing from CEN self-care is our way of nurturing and caring for ourselves. Are there things you wished your parents had done for you? Let's make time to do those things for ourselves.  I've been reparenting myself to the best of my limited availability

5. Accept help and support from others: It can be hard to let people in when we weren't supported as a child, but we need other people in our lives who can help us through the tough times. Ensure these people are worth having around, and that they are trustworthy, and then slowly let them in. Sorry, couldn't hear that over all the laughter going on.

6. Set healthy boundaries: This is SO IMPORTANT! It's okay to say no! You don't have to do anything that you don't want to, and people will understand and respect you more because of it. cue more laughter

[Eireanne]

playing the victim -

asks for help but doesn't take your advice Yes, when ppl offer me advice that doesn't fit my situation and I don't take it, of course that means I'm a victim
everyone is out to get them D said that's how I acted
everything is out of their control Was being eliminated and getting into a car accident in my control?
1. something always bad happens to them - wants you to feel sorry for them - they are just trying to manipulate you Something bad IS always happening to me, I don't want people to feel bad, I want them to listen to me, but I guess that's just manipulation
2. blame others or external factors I'm not even going to dignify this with a response
3. they hold onto the past events - hold grudges, refuse to forgive Am I holding on to past events or processing trauma so I can heal from it?
4. they make excuses for why they can't move forward move forward to what exactly?
5. unhappy with the way things are, but don't work towards the goal I did everything I could think of to make friends, but I guess that's my fault too?
6. they don't trust you, everything stays at a standstill Pretty sure trust has to be earned, and I'm the most trusting gullible person around
7. draining to be around, you are supporting them but they are always negative and needs compassion That's right, I AM always negative and draining to be around
8. they're passive - don't do action when it's absolutely necessary Yes, I'm passive, because any time I take action it leads to more hurt
internalize events and lash out at others I do internalize events, but lash out at others?  Um, only when I say the same thing over and over and I feel invisible, is that lashing though?
9. insecure and unstable - constantly compares themselves to others I can't understand how to function, I am insecure, but again, does this make me a victim?
10. attract drama wherever they go -accuse other people of being in the wrong. I used to feel like I was a drama magnet, but now I'm invisible...so??

[Eireanne]

A lot of the stuff I read, or listen to, when I try to think "is this something my mother/father did? Is this something D did?" I feel, wait, this sounds like something I did.  Like the book my dad wanted me to read sounded so much like me it confused me, but is it that I am a narcissist, have narcissistic tendencies, or is this just learned behavior from having my parents as a model for my own actions, and something I can unlearn/relearn correctly - and if so, what is correct?

How we can heal - reparenting yourself - in order for us to be independent and feel safe doing so, you have to create that healthy foundation we never had. saying re-mothering or re-fathering statements every day, I love you, you are important, anything you wish you heard from your parent - it helps us begin to heal

Healthy boundaries and how to uphold them - make a list of things you are willing to do when you aren't angry or upset, and stick to that list. Not even sure what this means
 
See narcissist for who they are. They aren't able to show empathy, won't be able to be there for us - don't forget what they are like and fall into their traps again. Kinda hard not to fall into L's traps, but I guess now that I don't have a job, it's easy?

They don't care about you, they only care about themselves

Fear of being alone - make bad choices about the company they keep Not quite sure I make "bad" choices, I make the only choice that is available to me.  Talk to the people willing to talk to me or not have anyone to talk to.

The only souls with any realistic chance of ending up with the partner they deserve are those who have properly reconciled themselves to the prospect of never being with anyone at all.  Well good

--------------------------------

This was also in that old post:

narcissistic parent sees you as an extension of them - summer camp
jealous of my vacations
emotional blackmail - manipulative fear obligation and guilt - if you loved me, you'd do this "after all I've done for you"
neglect - never checked in to see how I was doing