Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

Attachment is defined as: the emotional bond that is formed between objects in order to establish a sense of security and safety. And although attachment begins in infancy, the need for "attachment relationships" continues throughout our life, meaning that once we have a safe and secure attachment to our mother or primary caregiver, we will also seek out friends and other family members to support us and help us figure out who we are. Even if we are traumatized, having safe and secure attachment to many caregivers in our life can help us be more resilient and overcome the trauma more quickly.

That in a nutshell is why attachment is linked to trauma. When we are children and something scary happens, we run to the person or persons who can make us feel safe. Having that secure and healthy attachment to a caregiver gives us that safe place, but if we never had that connection, we don't know where to go to feel safe.

[Eireanne]

More stuff about D from 2020 - TRIGGER WARNINGS


We had a life where we combined everything and basically I'm saying our family and our relationship needs work but shouldn't be thrown away.  It's like he's willing himself to feel nothing for me. 

I thought if he'd be more open to hearing there's more options than just ending things when they got bad instead of working - relationships take work.  He needs to hear it from someone he'll listen to.  He thinks no one else ever fights. 

He misremembered the timeline - thinks we broke up in May. 

Abuse: Making me sleep on the floor while he watched tv every night with L. He's of the opinion that kicking me out after we watch one episode of a tv show less than one night a week is ok for him to watch multiple hours of tv with her every night because "we spend all day together" when I pointed out how little time we actually interact he glossed over it and again said we had spent all day together.  He says being around me too much makes him "twitchy" because he's not "there" yet.  I asked him to think about what he might need most from me to heal, but he said he didn't know.  I asked him to think over the past few weeks at how many bad days we had compared to may and june, he agreed there were very few bad days, but he may chalk it up to "our relationship didn't work but being friends does"

You need to understand that if the expectation that you're going to watch TV with her so I can plan accordingly - but when my plan is to watch tv together and you change the plan, it disrupts my expectations and triggers anxiety.

You said, "Honestly, I don't think he does it to hurt you. I think he's just a dur." And I think he uses that as an excuse to fall back on to paint the picture that he's such a swell guy, he's just got bad ADHD - the truth is, he was textbook abusive to me the last few months we were together, to the point I had to call the cops. 

You gave me the perspective I thought I needed at the time I was still trying to salvage a relationship I thought I had.  The thing is, the healthier I got, the more I saw things clearly, the more he devolved into someone I wanted no part of.  The extent of his deceit...the depths he sank to, it really helped me find the closure I needed.  I've wasted too much of my life being in abusive relationships not to be able to recognize them for what they are. 

He might twist it and say that I'm seeing something where nothing is, because it's all I've known, all I want to see, but that's just gaslighting. So much of what he did to me was.  I feel like a veil has been lifted, and I can't unsee it. 

Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an undeniable breakthrough

He just thinks it's funny to trigger my PTSD to rub it in my face he's been cheating on me every night for months. That it's killing me *I* have to degrade myself just to get him to be receptive, to just be discreet and stop killing me every night. And for the first time in 5 years he didn't run away. He held me. He diffused the anxiety attack. And he triggered it because he's Abusive. And it's my ptsd and the round of eliminations at work triggered me. 

That I have twice the emotions because of my PTSD and he has half of the emotions because of his ex wife. I Need all the coping mechanisms like not having my security and health insurance threatened because I'm one of 4 from 12 admins. And I could be next. I can't afford to work this stressed until April. I don't have the energy.

Can you please try to understand this isn't about you it's about me getting healthy? And he said he'd try. And tomorrow he won't remember we had this talk. And he won't understand why I start to cry every time I see him sexting with K.

[Eireanne]

2020 - TRIGGER WARNINGS

He says because I have 3 rooms it's unfair for him to have to take the "smaller" room. So he refuses to move beds and that he was planning on staying until the lease is up but now he will start looking for an apartment.

I said I still need his help moving the bed into our bedroom and he just thinks I'm trying to take advantage of him or something - he's not hearing what I'm saying. I keep saying I want a compromise we can both live with and he's hearing I either making him move and still pay rent or he has to be in the smaller bedroom. He doesn't understand why I can't just be in the smaller bedroom.

I said, "well then you should pay $200 extra in rent a month bc the only thing I'm asking you to change is the beds. If you want to move your computer into the sunroom I think that's a great idea."

He's done talking and he doesn't know if he will want to revisit the conversation. He wanted to be my friend but I'm making it very hard for him to keep caring.

Therapy was wonderful and after D will talk to me about any other topic with enthusiasm like before didn't happen. He only refuses to talk about paying the bills, cleaning the house or separating our stuff so we can start detaching from each other. fun times!

________________________________________


D has decided to be butthurt and angry that I didn't tell him about my father's memorial, I guess his parents texted him which caught him off guard and embarrassed him. So he's not talking to me. He's like, "I thought we were getting to a better place but I guess not. You could have just told me about it and said you didn't want me there. It would have been nice to know." I'm like, "what part of this wasn't about YOU do you not understand?"

Made some minimal progress with D. He's trying to be discreet about the cheating, says we can talk about the budget this weekend.

I was gentle with myself for not getting as much done as I'd like and proud for getting done as much as I did

And then suddenly I start crying but not for the reasons everyone probably assumes. Like they are like, well that's understandable, it's the end of something you had for a very long time there's going to be that pain and I'm like no, it's that suddenly I see what he's doing and how he's laying these seeds to make me look crazy. And even just trying to tell our mutual friends just makes me SOUND crazy. To tell it, I mean. So every once in a while I'm doing something and my brain will piece together a scenario where he just does the stuff my brother used to do and I can't believe I didn't see the signs sooner so I start sobbing that it's finally over. I can do what I want to when I want and I don't need to weigh the pros and cons of "is taking a shower right now completely worth the conflict? Is eating? Do you *really* need to pee or are you just trying to think of an excuse to leave the room?" So he twists that and sounds so charming and says, I don't know she's just paranoid, she thinks everybody is out to get her, she's started hiding stuff in her room, I'm super worried about her" I'm so sure he's doing some variation of what he did with you that night. And a few of my friends are all, "well we still love you both and of course you will both still be in our lives but it's just awkward


I can't insist they stop talking to him the same way he can't ask them to stop talking to me.

[Eireanne]

I processed a bunch of trauma but didn't write any of it down. I wonder how much of it I'll remember tomorrow.

[Eireanne]

Day - whatever - of listening to YouTube videos and pondering. 

Learning to Respond, Not React - Tara Brach

...one of the most valuable questions I can ask myself when I'm caught in reactivity is what am I believing right now - I find that inevitably when I am looping, and the loop is 1. have these thoughts 2. more feelings in a certain way 3. more thoughts 4. more feelings leading to a behavior I'll probably regret - when I'm looping, if I can stop, pause find that space, and then say, so what am I really believing? almost inevitably, I find that I'm believing I'm in some way failing, in some way I'm falling short, and then there's fear with that that leads to either blaming myself or or blaming someone else.

This caught my...ear...because she used the word looping, and I'm like, oh, I do that...but I think more back to the time I was embarrassed at the times I'd make reservations and no one would show up...or throw a party and no one would show up...and even last night when I was working through the expectation I have that people should show up, because that's the lesson that society and media and the world tell me - ask for help, and be surprised by the outpouring of love and support you receive. 

Or if you don't receive it, it's because you need to find it inside yourself and stop looking elsewhere.  All these mixed messages and I'm just trying to do my best to feel a sense of connection - of course I feel angry and defeated and embarrassed and hurt when I do everything everyone tells me and things don't work out in my favor.  I've spent a majority of my life being told I need to change the way I am if I want to be accepted, and I am still not accepted.  It's not about blame, these are just facts.  I put all my energy into things expecting a different outcome because that's the message I've been getting, and it contradicts my lived experience.  The huge amount of cognitive dissonance I feel is what my brain loops about. Trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. So of course people that don't understand think I'm "obsessing" or "co-dependent" or whatever all these things that are so ingrained in me I tell myself them as well...and I finally stopped.  I realized how very little the "friends" were actually there for me.  Sure they showed up for the "big things" but I now remember all the times they fell short.  I am finally understanding how deep my isolation has been.  The mass amounts of things I could not have learned in a vacuum. 

Yes, I could have said, "I'm very grateful for the fact you are here, however I'm extremely embarrassed that all the people that said they were going to show up did not, and as it's a direct reflection of me, and now I'm getting dirty looks from the restaurant manager, I feel uncomfortable, and I'd like that validated please. 

The other day, when A was here, we had an "argument" and I say things like, "you don't pay attention" but I laugh...because he doesn't.  I have to preface everything I say with "this is not a criticism, don't get defensive" But now I realize...or am closer to realizing what I need to say.  I don't want to correct his behavior, I want him to be aware of how his behavior makes me feel.  But I don't want every time we hang out it's me telling him what he's still getting wrong.  I need a compromise, and I'm still unclear of his motivation.  It doesn't help he spends absolutely 0 time thinking about what motivates him and does things without thinking. 

Which is partly what triggered the "argument" I was feeling a sort of way and really wasn't in the mood to see him.  I had prefaced our plans with "can you make a contingency date" and mentioned that to him. He said, "I didn't need one" I said, but I did.  He said, but this day worked for me.  I said, but it didn't for me.  He didn't grasp what I was saying, doesn't really take into consideration that my brain works so completely differently to his and I'm on a delay so it takes me a while to process what his thoughts are. 

It put me in a mood which I was trying to mask and made me irritable and short with him over a miscommunication he repeated several times, but I just let it go and then things were fine.  Working out for me what was making me irritable was just our difference in communication styles, but because I was irritated, I couldn't....figure out how to explain that to him.  I reacted.  After that slight hiccup, we had a really nice time, and I'm getting more comfortable with having him in my house, even though there's still a fair amount of shame involved. 

...as you become still you can take some moments to just notice if there's some pattern in your life that wants your attention, if there's one of these areas of puponcha (sp?) that there creates suffering for you

[Eireanne]

I really need to look into whatever it is I need to do so I can log into this forum "regularly".  Since I found the workaround of logging in in incognito mode (still makes me giggle) I haven't bothered to use a spoon to sort that out.  But it's "on my list".  So is working on my resume, responding to emails I don't want to deal with.  The voices in my head tell me the shoulds and I know I'm right where I SHOULD be right now, focusing on what I need to.  Everything else can wait, I put myself last my entire life, I'm no longer going to do that. 

[Eireanne]

Healing the Nervous System From Trauma: Somatic Experiencing

 ...for example anger comes with heat and red-faced and muscle tension, and depression comes with physical pain and exhaustion and sensitivity...

Except my senses process differently.  So I keep being told the symptoms I should have. But I don't.  It doesn't feel like that.  I don't have panic, or anxiety, or depression.  Except where warranted...I have something....different and just because I can't name it doesn't mean it's because I can't name my feelings.  I literally cannot describe it, but I did the best I could and it's understandable.  I don't think I need to have a name for it.  I recognize it when I feel it. 

when we don't take the time to acknowledge and listen to our body and our nervous systems cues, when we suppress or avoid or rush through those emotions, that can make us sick both physically and emotionally. So when we respond to worry by running about and trying to do everything all the time, then occasionally our body's going to collapse with exhaustion, and this is going to look like an anxiety or a depressive disorder.

[Eireanne]

20 minutes until round two with the HR rep of FUN RELIVING MY TRAUMA!

Someone messaged me out of the blue this week, and in scrolling up I was able to access our entire conversation history.  I found a bit I mentioned to him about D, when we were first dating..."but it's not, whatever you said earlier, where I'm head over heels and we can do our own thing, it's that I told him from day one that I'm not going to suddenly morph into this entity where we are one and do everything together.  My friends came first, I knew them longer and they will continue to come first, then if I have time I see D as he has met some of my friends and I've met some of his, that overlaps sometimes, but not always, he can still go do his thing if he wants and I do mine it has nothing to do with being in love, it has more to do with being in a healthy non co-dependent relationship"

So it's like, even from day one I knew what I wanted, and I was using all these online videos to try to create a healthy relationship, because I had never experienced one, didn't know what one looked like but I *knew* what I wanted and told him regularly.  The piece no one ever clued me in on is if you ask, and ask and ask, and don't get what you're asking for, you can leave.  I didn't want to leave because I knew leaving meant going back to a life of isolation and struggling to survive, and for the first time in...years...I was interacting with other people and being included in things. Oh well, time to stop thinking about D and start thinking about L...

[rainydiary]

I hope your meeting with HR went as smooth as it could.

[Eireanne]

@Rainy Diary - thank you. It really did go well.  The only thing that severely triggered me was when she asked how the conversation went when I was eliminated.  As I brought up the memory and started to tell her, I started at the triggered spot and slipped into full on being right back there as it was happening, word vomiting all the stuff that came up, and then was able to stop and say, "so yeah, that's how that conversation went". 

We immediately switched gears to me telling her all the value add I did for the company, how well I had been exceeding expectations and doing amazing things and how all I desperately wanted was for my managers to have the same perception of my accomplishments as I had. How I just wanted to feel I belonged. 

She confided to me "person to person" that she's experienced something similar and has also had trouble recollecting things, wondering if she said/did something wrong and was made to feel like things were her fault.  She said, "one day, L will just be a story you tell and doesn't define you". 

The funniest (not funny) part of the conversation was when I was re-telling her the part of the story where I was written up.  She asked what happened, and I said, in that moment, I couldn't process anything, all I could think was "my position is going to be eliminated"

She asked, "what was the result of that conversation?"  I replied, "My position was eliminated."

[rainydiary]

I'm glad your conversation was met with support and understanding. 

[Eireanne]

I've got about 150 posts left in my old journal, and it's interesting for me to read the entries now with current understanding. Especially the aspect where I let my parts say what they really feel about things, it helps me to understand that it's the filter I view everything through, which changes the perspective and meaning of the words I'm reading. I find running things through my filters several times helps me uncover what is going on, and helps me see it clearer. 

For example, the message I kept getting over and over is if I focus on the negative, I will only get more negative, so don't let your mind go there!!  Um, but letting my mind actually go there and digging up all the things I learned and the stories I've been telling myself helped me to realize what was actually going on. 

"when you and I get focused on what bothers us, the universe can only grow for us that which we are attending with our attention."

Guess what Universe, my attention is focused on my healing now, and it ISN'T from letting go of my thoughts and watching them float by like little leaves with assigning no meaning to them. 

"Take your attention away from what worries you, and focus on what you love!"

[Eireanne]

No matter how you feel, act like the person you want to be.  Poised, polite, amenable.  Through your own actions, you can become the kind of person you admire.  Making positive changes in your life builds self esteem.  Accept opportunities to practice being the person you'd like to become.

The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle

To complain is always non-acceptance of what is and it invariably carries an unconscious negative charge.

When you complain you make yourself a victim. Either leave the situation, change the situation or accept it.  All else is madness.

Today, let's shift every complaint and either accept the situation, change the situation or leave the situation and come into harmony with what is. This is the power of now.

Victim is such a triggering word for me. I still don't understand what it means, but I notice it gets thrown around a lot.  I "complained" to people that weren't really my friends that I lacked a feeling of connection and wanted more intimacy.  That isn't being a victim. 

Gabor Mate says, "...needs for belonging, needs for connection, need for meaning, a need for transcendence, a need for competence, a need for mastery, a need for authenticity, autonomy - these are essential human needs."

Me "complaining" I'm not getting my essential human needs met to people that are. not. interested. in providing those needs to me...if anything, I was a victim of assuming these people were my friends. 

[Denali]

Hi EA, I found you first paragraph inspiring. I don't think that message is prominent enough among people.

Especially survivors, we're put in a box and have expectations, usually unrealistic expectations put on us that can hinder our growth into being who we want to become.

I have never liked the "v" word and I won't to be referred as one.

As I've aged, I started letting go of people who wanted a lot from me. When I got sick they still had the same expectations. Instead of support and understanding, they still wanted the energy put to them.

It did take awhile, finally the lack of just respecting my wishes about things pushed me to just walk away.

  on speaking out about topics that aren't considered an issue.

[Eireanne]

@Rainy Diary - me too...I am very grateful the woman has empathy and compassion. I wasn't expecting that.
@Denali - thank you so much.  I huge part of my lived experience was not having a voice, so learning to speak out is new to me. 

Every person and situation we encounter is a learning experience.  They are carefully selected by the inner self, who understands our needs in this life.  We need others for what they can help us learn. 

I embraced this when I endured what I was experiencing at work.  I kept telling myself being in this situation was a learning experience, so I can make better choices.  Choices I didn't make with my FOO, in my friendships, my relationship, any instance of pattern recognition, of the universe putting me in the same situation over and over again until I *finally* learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to be learning to stop this cycle.  ]

That I was put on this earth to learn the lessons I didn't learn in my past life and that's why I was being "punished".  That until I figured out what *I* was doing wrong, the same situations would keep happening, so it didn't matter where I was, I needed to learn this lesson. 

Maybe the lesson is that it isn't me at all? That chasing after people that don't want me isn't a good use of that energy?

I think I'll just leave this here to ponder the next time I filter things.