Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you are dealing with depression, Papa C. 

It sucks so bad that your Narc S appears to be near the beach house. But, you know, maybe your family is actually protecting you in a way by not just letting you sell the house and run away. I know it probably doesn't feel anything like protection this minute, but if they truly love you they won't want you to be forced into a knee jerk reaction just because some mean-* *&%$! shows up.This is actually buying you time to work through the stages of grief and then come to a rational decision based on what you actually want, not what a trauma reaction is suggesting to you.

I don't mean to speak out of turn, especially in your recovery journal, so please say if you just want me to butt out with the pep talk. Maybe we should form an OOTS posse and go dig an elephant trap in front of her house.

[Moondance]

I'm so in for the trap.

Papa I'm so very sorry that your safe place has been invaded.  I wish it to not be true, for her to just go away.

 

[Armee]

Oh yeah count me in! A shovel for each hand.

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry to hear your emotional self is in depression Papa. All the danger and hurt and pain has welled up no matter what your intellectual self is saying.  I'm glad you know you will likely move through to a grim kind of acceptance and that's when you may be able to figure out exactly what it is you want to do (or not do as the case may be). 

When I first learned my NM was terminal I decompensated fast and in a big way. I am still triggered but less now that I've had some time to deal with it. I hope this is what happens for you, I really do.    

[sanmagic7]

another shovel for me, please.  love and hugs, PC

[Bach]

[natureluvr]

I'm in!  I'll go get my shovel. 

I'm very sorry to hear that narcsis is moving into your neighborhood.  Yes, you are so right, we do need to work though the 5 stages of grief when these things happen. 

Big Hugs, Papa Coco.   

[Hope67]

Hi Papa Coco,
I am also sending you big hugs   
Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Thank you, to each of you who has responded with the kind words, and advice, and for all the camaraderie. It's been a bigger help than you can imagine. What few people outside of the forum that I've told this story to are also struggling with why finding out she'd followed me to the beach is bothering me. She has spent my entire life using gossip and lies to turn my community against me. Now she's living in my retirement community, where she has access to my neighbors again. I'm not afraid that she's going to bite me, or hit me, or key my car...I'm afraid of what she's saying to my neighbors and community members. For years I've said, "It isn't what was said to me that did all the damage, but what was said about me." Odds are I'm safe. She's been there for years and I didn't know it. But trauma is trauma. And even though she's old and unlikable, she still poses a threat, and I feel that threat now.  Knowing how she used to get people to hate me because of the lies she told behind my back, is the threat that I'm still trying to come to terms with.

Here, at least, my friends on the forum fully grasp what it does to a person's psyche to have their abuser stalk them like this.

I'm sorry I haven't been active on the forum. I've been kind of confused and not knowing what to write or say. As I've mentioned in previous posts, when I get this distracted with life's dramas, I become unable to write without sounding like I'm crazy. If I respond to other people's posts, my own duress comes through and I say things that either don't make sense, or accidentally sound hurtful. So I'm learning that I need to refrain from posting when I'm in this kind of funk.

The people on this forum are such good people, and I know that when I'm not feeling connected to reality, I can say things don't make sense and I don't want to damage any of my friendships with any of you, so...I'm choosing to just be kind of quiet until I feel stable again.

It's coming. I'll feel better soon.

Thanks everyone for caring. It feels amazing.

Hugs to all of you.

[Armee]

 

I'm so sorry this is happening Papa Coco. 

[Moondance]

 

  we get it for sure.

Sending caring and supportive thoughts your way.

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks for checking in, Papa C. Yes, we get it. And we care about you and are here for you.

 

[natureluvr]

I'm so sorry you are going through this stalking, PC.  I would be very upset too if my abuser was stalking me.  Sending love and warm thoughts.   

[Bach]

I relate to what you said about not being active on the forum because you're afraid of not making sense or of things not coming out right.  It's very hard when words don't cooperate.

Thinking of you   

[SteveM]

PC
I totally understand and I am here standing with you against the insanity of people that  mean you harm.
Ramble all you need to, I think it helps to purge.