Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[Bach]

I'm so sick of my addictions.  I'd like to write about that but I'm having trouble with words lately.  At some point I need to write about a particular social media problem I have, it is small and specific and was good for me once but has become toxic.  Phew.

A few weeks ago, someone was talking with me about paradigm shifts.  I googled it and it seems like a fancier way to say "change your inner monologue via affirmations".  Affirmations.  Ugh.  Like I haven't travelled up and down that road a hundred million times.  I have finally, though, come up with an affirmation that doesn't sound like a lie:  I CAN IMPROVE.

[Bach]

Okay, so, my social media problem is a 'Influencer' family I've been following on the internet for about nine years.  By this point the material shared on social media over the years by this family could be used to make an illustrated textbook of narcissistic neglect and abuse, and generational bad parenting.  For many years, following this family and participating in an online forum discussing them was useful to me because it helped me fully understand what it means to be gaslighted by an abuser, and illuminated how many so seemingly unremarkable day-to-day things about my childhood added up to a hive of continual trauma.  But now after all these years, the life of this family has become a trainwreck that is happening in slow motion every day right in front of me, no one is doing anything about it, I've learned all I can from it, and it's toxic to me but I can't seem to look away.

[Bach]

I've really been regressing in the past few days.  Can I stop it before it goes too far?

[Moondance]

I hear you Bach - I have no words of wisdom as I'm struggling too.

I'm hanging on by reading posts here, working at being kinder to myself.  Part of being kinder to myself is working at accepting  exactly where I'm at in the moment or as soon as I realize what's going on.

For me this is no small feat as my trauma brain doesn't necessarily want to cooperate at the best of times. 

I wish I had more but please know there is support and resources here.

I stand with you Bach if that helps even a little.

 

[NarcKiddo]

I identify with not being able to look away. Has it become a habit? Are there people here who could maybe help take your mind off it? I'd be happy to try.
 

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you Bach.

[sanmagic7]

bach, that stuff can become addictive, for sure.  like any addiction, tho, even after the high is gone, we keep chasing it.  we want it to keep giving us what it gave us in the beginning.  i hope you can one day say 'no more' to that toxicity.

sending love and a hug filled with finding your way out 

[Armee]

Bach. 

I relate. When I stepped back from interacting with my mom because she was psychologically destroying me, I was still compelled like an addiction very much so, to think about her every second almost and to obsessively check her health records to know what was happening.

It took a long time for those impulses to recede. Maybe just anytime you have an impulse toward that scenario you could walk away and do something else for just 5 minutes and then come back to it. But also. It's OK that you do this. It's understandable to need to distract yourself from your internal world.

These celebrity updates are designed to do this to people, to hook them on drama. It took a long time for me to learn to live without my mom's drama...it was this constant hit. Now that she's been gone for 2 years and there's no drama, I've finally gotten used to the quiet peace in my head. It's such a new way of being. It's nice. It's peaceful. But at first it was super boring!!!!

I don't even know how it happened that it became ok. Just time. 

[Bach]

Reassure myself again that I'm going to be okay, that whatever is going on I'll deal with it, but will I?

I'm so tired of being me.

[sanmagic7]

bach, i have no doubt you'll manage and deal w/ what needs dealing with. sending love and a hug filled w/ extra reassurance

[Armee]

 

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Armee]

And Amen to that Bach. So many times I've been tired of being me. I wish that were enough to change everything! I hope that feeling changes for you soon though. I think you're pretty special.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with the questioning while also having a part of me knows that I most likely can handle.  I hope things work out.

[Hope67]

  to you Bach. 
Hope