too much

[Kizzie]

I get the fear you are feeling now San and I hope you will tap into the image of all of us here standing beside you when you feel that way offering comfort and support.   

[sanmagic7]

moondance, thank you for that thank you.  it touched me deeply. 

EA, thanks so much for that hug.

thanks, NL, i so appreciate your support 

oh, kizzie, thanks for bringing that image into my present instead of just the future surgery.  that was great.


someone on the forum was speaking to the idea of boundaries and i realized that lately, when i've been watching shows which have relationships in them  i see how the boundary thing can be played out differently than what i've known.  it amazes me how  characters can react when they believe one of their boundaries has been crossed, especially by lying.  i've been lied to so many times throughout my life, it seems like simply a part of a relationship to be accepted and keep going. so, yeah, finding my boundaries that i didn't even know belonged in my life.

i so appreciate the support i've been getting even as i struggle to accept it and to bring it in to myself.  honestly, i have a difficult time feeling it, but that's been true for me for many, many instances in my life.  i can hear the words 'i love you' but can't really feel them.  at times like this i can realize how robotic i've been, how armored, how out of touch w/ humanity from others. i'm getting a pain in my midsection, as if someone is turning the screws, as if i'm not supposed to be admitting this.

ok, too much.

[Moondance]

Hi Sanmagic7

i so appreciate the support i've been getting even as i struggle to accept it and to bring it in to myself.  honestly, i have a difficult time feeling it, but that's been true for me for many, many instances in my life.  i can hear the words 'i love you' but can't really feel them.  at times like this i can realize how robotic i've been, how armored, how out of touch w/ humanity from others. i'm getting a pain in my midsection, as if someone is turning the screws, as if i'm not supposed to be admitting this.

ok, too much.

  all of that!

  

[Bach]

Hi Sanmagic7

i so appreciate the support i've been getting even as i struggle to accept it and to bring it in to myself.  honestly, i have a difficult time feeling it, but that's been true for me for many, many instances in my life.  i can hear the words 'i love you' but can't really feel them.  at times like this i can realize how robotic i've been, how armored, how out of touch w/ humanity from others. i'm getting a pain in my midsection, as if someone is turning the screws, as if i'm not supposed to be admitting this.

ok, too much.

  all of that!

  

Yes.  Same.   

[sanmagic7]

bach and moondance, it kind of shocked me that both of you were able to relate to what i said. sometimes i feel like i'm the only one who has a certain feeling, sensation, experience, and, to be honest, it sometimes also makes me feel special.  there's that gnawing in my gut - i shouldn't admit that.  still, wanting to be special, set apart, noticed (yep, that's what it really is) noticed in a good way for being different has been with me forever.

my chest has now tightened, which is a sign of fear for me, i said too much, admitted too much, will be thought silly or stupid or weird.  it's all in there.  however, when i read both of you saying the same thing, i think i was able to at least begin to turn this corner.  i can't get too existential about it yet, but it's a start at not having to be different/special.

i'll leave it there.  felt like a lot.

[Armee]

 

I love you and you are incredibly unique and special. We all share symptoms but who you are under those is what makes you just amazing. Exactly as you are.

I also felt that way about wanting to be special with my symptoms and feelings. We are, really, but this is where us unique ones gather.  It's kind of because the type of abuse we endured is similar. "I love you" for instance being a danger sign instead of an expression of love. Because the people who used it on us did so with intent or end result of harm.

[sanmagic7]

armee, what a response!  thank you so for that big hug and your lovely words. they're beautiful, and so are you. i'm feeling less of a need to feel 'special' now - something about those 2 posts sent me around a corner somewhat, but hearing what you said has pushed me a little bit further, for which i'm grateful. timing.

i was able to do some processing yesterday w/o bothering my eye (which is pretty much back - a lot less misery) about these thoughts and fears about my D dying.  i somehow got on that train - the other nite she took a bath and i was worried the whole time!  and D1 has taken plenty of opportunities to end it, but never followed thru, so i know she wants to stay alive, too.  at any rate, i was able to put those fears to rest (if not to bed) at least for the time being.

it felt good to be able to tackle an issue again in a meaningful way.  i do miss working on my 'stuff' when i'm unable to for some reason. she also suggested EFT tapping, and i tried a little while we were talking, but honestly, the tapping itself was uncomfortable, and it did some strange stuff to me physically.  i may try a little again, tho - when i tapped the top of my head, it felt like a bunch of i don't know what was released and flowed thru my skull.  strange sensation.  i may want to look into it more.

[Armee]

My heart is with you through these worries. You know I've been there and I know how awful it feels to be listening nonstop. I guess all I can say is it is possible eventually to not fear that anymore. Without letting go of the knowledge that it is always possible. Both those things can be true somehow. Seems like sorcery to me. 

I'm so glad your eye is feeling better enough to do some processing. It might be useful easing yourself into an alternate like tapping for times that the eye is out of commission. I'm so proud of you for being able to try and think about trying again. So many things I've been resistant to at first because of how they make me feel but some of them I've been able to put it my tool box by doing just what you are doing. Try a little stop, try a little again. 

  as you say, keep on going. San.

[rainydiary]

I hope you find something to add to your toolbox of managing.  I find tapping to be an odd experience too. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I found tapping a bit challenging at first, but over time, I have found it helpful.  I hope it is for you as well - maybe just put gentle tapping pressure rather than anything that makes you feel uncomfortable?
Sending you a big hug 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, all.  can't type - tendonitis.

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you armee - love that hug!

using up my wrist this morning.

armee, thanks for your care and encouragement

rainy, thank you for your support.  i've done EFT tapping in the past, but as i've gotten more sensitive to touch, it just doesn't work anymore. 

thanks, hope, for your suggestion.   

and thanks, armee, for that lovely big hug. back atcha!

the tapping i was referencing w/ my T was emdr tapping instead of eye movements.  it's different from EFT tapping.  the emdr tapping works for me, as do the other ways to stimulate neural change like flash technique and eye movements.  both the last 2 involve eye movements, and my eye isn't ready for that yet.  soon.

i called the place for cornea surgery, am waiting to hear back from them.  have no idea when this will happen. *sigh*

my wrist is hurting now.  time to go.

[Moondance]

Hi San,

I am hangin' with you whilst you wait to hear from surgery place.

 

[Armee]

I wish I could take away at least 25% of your pain and discomfort.    and that the surgeon would $$#!@@ give you some answers now.

Ah emdr tapping. I also heard someone Jaime Marich I think talk about even using a slinky as bilateral stimulation. The bouncing it from one hand to the other and that seems genius to me.