Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

When I say these things, people immediately jump to "have you considered talking to a therapist?"  meditate, yoga, gratitude journal - I even took the happiness course at Harvard - and it triggered a terrible depression bout.

Developing a resilient mind starts with learning how to cope with difficult strategies, and unlearning anxious behaviors. Reflect on how you emotionally respond to situations that you cannot control. Pay attention to your thoughts and recognize the ones that make you feel anxious vs. the ones that bring peace. Begin to eliminate the thoughts that are consuming, toxic or simply not helpful so that you can begin the process of shifting your perspective and strengthen your mindset.

I realized a long time ago, that one of my basic needs is to have somebody that is interested in knowing my story. Not just a short answer, but like the whole history of why I react to something a certain way. Most people think that is what a therapist is for, you just pay someone to listen to your life story. But I always feel like everything I am asked, I want to respond with also providing context. I want to be understood.

[Eireanne]

The insidious things about gaslighting is the denial of reality. being denied what you have seen with your own eyes and you know to be true. being denied an experience that you have had and you know is real. for me, the erasure of the abuse was worse than the abuse - it can  make you crazy, but you are not crazy.

number one is to remain defiant. the person gaslighting you will often try to bully you, but being defiant is something that does not make you difficult - it's being Resilient.

...in that moment was that she would never be able to take accountability for her actions, she would never get it, she would never say, "oh, you're right, you have a point" and that acknowledgement was not in the cards.

asserting myself was not just useful...but it was harmful, because the person gaslighting you will never be able to respond to logic or reason and so if you think that you can apply logic and reason you're going to feel let down.

Letting go of the wish for it to be different – it allows you to believe that logic and reason will prevail. You cannot rely on this person, not their words, not their actions. The person gaslighting you makes you feel as though the ground is always shifting beneath your feet and that you have no center of gravity. you want things to make sense but they won't. engaging with someone who is gaslighting you means you will never feel heard, so what's the solution? you stop engaging. you put yourself first.

number four would be to develop a healthy detachment. what had been adaptive as a child became maladaptive as an adult, so trusting was very difficult. I was always needing verification immediately.


I spend so much time trapped in my own head I need social interactions modeled for me. I need the appropriate behavior modeled, because my responses to things may be out of alignment with how a person without trauma would respond. I made the mistake of using "friends" as my model, but they just reinforced my invalidation. 

She says I take the choice away from the person by deciding for them that my ask would be too much of an inconvenience, and choosing not to ask at all because I don't want to be a bother. I can ask and then leave it up to them to decide. 

My issue with that is that bc I have trouble saying no, esp. at work, bc that's my job, sometimes I take too much on my plate. Then I end up stressed that I was "stuck" doing an additional thing. I'm not explaining it well. Like I've agreed to do things, even though mentally I was too drained and that's a trigger for my anxiety. I end up having meltdowns bc of it. So I don't want to ask someone to do anything for me, in case it's that one thing they agreed to take on for me.

The thing is, it's my #1 need is to have ppl do things for me, because it's the one thing I never had, so she says I should ask and let them make the decision for themselves. They might surprise me and say no, that they don't have the bandwidth for my ask. Something i just thought of, and not what she said: I need to be ok to start saying that to other people too.

[Eireanne]

That unsettling feeling that is leading me to want to distract myself is making me nauseous. I just feel so lost in it and if someone were to call me right now I wouldn't even know what I needed to talk about.  I keep getting so (parts) about people showing up for me, but I need to be my own company and sit with this for a bit.  The parts are really wanting to come out soon though...

Dysregulation - it's really important to do some work around whatever core wounds are creating this in the first place (Thank you captain obvious)

Re-regulation - until we recognize what our patterns are and do the reprogramming work around, them they can still pop up as being quite detrimental in our current life experience. Don't let yourself grow too lonely. Every problem of your character will grow worse when you're in isolation. (Thank you useless statement that doesn't actually say anything)

The feeling of loneliness is a gift that nudges us to reach out and connect to keep on trying to keep getting out of the house when it's tempting to hide out contact them just to express something positive and supportive for them don't talk about yourself in this conversation just show up for the other person - Don't talk about yourself give your full attention to the person who's with you and to really listen to them without jumping in with your own story (Thank you reasons why I didn't get the help, connections or support I needed for years)

not living in the center of your being carries huge risks because your own strengths are not being revealed and your own problems are not being exposed which would cause you and your circumstances to evolve

you can't fix something if you don't know how it's broken.

sometimes, even if it's not this perfect person who's very nurturing, we'll take what we can get.


Me confiding to counselor in school that I was being abused and them calling my mom to ask her about it and me coming home to her beating me for telling them I was being abused.

Me being called to the counselors office because they thought I had an eating disorder because I was so skinny Me not being able to eat as much as I wanted after dinner because I "just ate" and now as an adult, me not understanding how to eat healthy or how to lose weight Me with overwhelming stress and no outlet to shut off my anxiety

people with the anxious attachment style tend to feel like people will always leave them – however, I don't have attention seeking behaviors.  I just get super depressed that once again I have said or done something to alter the relationship, and it's never anything I can foresee, because it's always something small, but always when I am super depressed, or needy and spiraling in my own head, so of course I need to isolate myself during that time. Lies I've been told to continue to keep invalidating myself and my basic needs.  It is NOT ok for people to abandon you just because you say you are going through a hard time and they just expect you to be "ok" instead because being in touch with your need to heal makes THEM uncomfortable
 

[Eireanne]

Childhood trauma physically changes your brain.  It makes your alarm system set off super easily. People often call this getting triggered. But what's really happening is that when the brain perceives a threat, the emotional part of the brain gets launched into high alert, and it basically shuts down rational thinking to a degree. You might feel super emotional or scared. You might feel angry, upset, or numb. You might feel detached or feel a desperate urge to leave a situation or placate everyone around you. Now, this is all part of the protective fight/flight/freeze/fawn response. And for people with childhood trauma it might last for days or hours or be chronic. Right? Now, emotional dysregulation  can make it seem impossible to function at work, at home. It makes it feel impossible to maintain relationships. But the good news is that you can learn to self-regulate. You can learn to snap out of the triggered response and back into the calm, thinking part of your brain.

10 ways to self-regulate, to calm down when you're triggered and get back to yourself.
 
Being hard on yourself for having symptoms that are in fact totally normal and not your fault.

Something would trigger me, and even though I knew it wasn't worth getting upset about, it happened anyway.

dysregulation. It's really common for people who had trauma in childhood and it literally involves your brain waves and some of your body systems getting irregular and out of sync when certain triggers happen. Now, some triggers you couldn't control if you really had to, but others are harder to control - or not until you've practiced it a lot. So if you get dysregulated you've probably figured out how to survive, you know, okay while you're dysregulated, but as I'm sure you've noticed it can make it really hard to think and focus and set boundaries and navigate your life, because when you're dysregulated, only part of your brain is working.
 
And doesn't this explains so much about why it can be hard to make a change that sticks, and why we sometimes make the same mistakes over and over? It is not our fault we're like this. It's an injury that comes from traumatic experiences. And the good news is there are things we can do to heal and calm those triggers. So what are your triggers? For a lot of people it could be a loud noise or a sudden shock or an experience  of being vulnerable or nervous or, most commonly, emotional hurt, like being criticized or  overlooked or rejected. And even when you know intellectually that the thing triggering you  is no big deal, when you have PTSD from childhood it doesn't matter. Once it starts it's like it's too late.  For those of us with CPTSD, it can happen more often, with more intensity, and it can be  harder to return to a regulated state. It can make it hard to focus, hard to get things done, hard  to speak and listen and connect. And sometimes it makes it hard to control emotions. It's a big reason why we struggle in relationships, and it also plays a role in why people who went through abuse and neglect in childhood have higher rates of chronic illness. Dysregulation has long-term effects on your central nervous system, including your hormones and your immune system and your heart and lungs and circulation. 

So learning to calm your triggers could have a very important ripple effect not just on your mood in your mind but on your overall health. And I'm just going to remind you again: It's not your fault you have this. You didn't do this to yourself; it's an injury, and it comes from trauma.

Notice that you're triggered. This is sometimes easier said than done, but as you start to study what sets off your dysregulation, you'll start to notice sooner than you used to that it's happening again. And when you know you're triggered and dysregulated, it's time to pause. 

Try not to jump in. Don't confront anyone or try to solve big problems or make decisions until you have your whole brain back online.  Second, say to yourself, "I'm having an emotional reaction." Or you can say, "I'm feeling triggered." You say it to yourself. You don't have to tell other people, necessarily. Just saying this to yourself helps you separate out the part of you that's getting overwhelmed from the part of you that knows what to do about it. 

Three: Make sure you're safe. If you're driving, pull over. If you're in the middle of an argument, put that discussion on hold in the nicest, most gentle, and caring way that you can because you're buying yourself a little time to get re-regulated. So you can say something like, "I want to continue this conversation, but I need to take a breather to calm down."  Or if you don't want to tell the other person that you're triggered, tell them you need to go to the bathroom. If you're on the phone you can say you have a call on the other line. Don't get into a big discussion about it; just find a way to put the conversation on pause, and then actually take some time. And if it feels urgent that you do something or say something or solve this thing, it's probably the CPTSD talking. And if that's the case, take even longer before you try to come back and resolve anything. All right.

Four is stamp your feet on the floor. It really works. You're just trying to help your body remember where you are, to locate itself in space, and to remember the left side of you and the right side of you.  And your dysregulated brain loves to feel the ground and feel where you are in space. That is a big way that it comes back into regulation. Okay. 

Five: You probably thought I'd say this first, but breathing. Take ten slow, deep breaths. Deep breaths are genuinely powerful at activating your relaxation response. And I know you know that, but sometimes we need our friends to remind us. And while you're breathing, just to get more sensation of your body and where to locate your consciousness, you can push your tongue right there on the back of your teeth.  Your mouth is part of that central part of the body where we locate our sense of self, kind of from head to chest. So mouth sensations can kind of bring you back into the center, back into your body.

Six is another way to get back in your body: Sit down. Feel the weight of your butt in the chair. Feel the surfaces of the chair and where it's touching you. 

All right. Seven: Eat something. Food helps you feel your body too. When you're stressed you'll probably crave carbs and sugar, but it's protein foods that will help you get grounded again.

Eight is - you can wash your hands. And while you're washing, pay attention and feel the water and the soap on your hands. If the water can be warm that's even nicer. I love washing my hands with warm water. 

Nine - and this is where your dysregulation is really going wild - you can get a reset for your nervous system by taking a cold shower. It doesn't have to be ice cold, but it needs to give you a little bit of a shock, you know, just like that kind of cold. And I love this one. It's good for increasing your energy as well. It's cheap, it's easy, it's powerful, there's no hangover, and it helps you re-regulate.

Finally, number 10 is get a good squeezing hug. And if no one is around, you can press your back into the corner, you know, where the walls meet. Press your back in. Wrap your arms around yourself so that you feel a squeezing pressure around your torso.  We're all wired to calm down when we're hugged, and that's pretty intuitive. Now, you can use these techniques whether it's a big emotional trigger that set you off or just a little thing  - But the sooner you can notice it and turn it around, the sooner you can forget the thing that set it off, and then you can get back to being you. You can use your mind and your focus the way you want to use them and feel more alert and open to the day. And when you're good at that you can be a little freer and a little bolder in your life, because even if you get triggered you know how to come back from that quickly. process of working through emotional dysregulation.

I disagree with some of this, but it doesn't mean it's not useful to someone else, so I left it in it's entirety with no parts comments

[Eireanne]

This is some advice I was given, by someone well meaning and it really upset me.  I wish I knew how to respond to being given bad advice, because what currently happens is people are offended that I don't do what they suggest, assuming it'll solve all my problems and then they think I just enjoy being miserable and don't want to help myself...so let's unpack, shall we?


Regarding the isolation, be intentional about creating connection with others. Create standing meetings to check in with other coworkers so that you are not going through long periods of intense isolation and heavy workload. (I did, regularly, it's not enough to fill my basic need of feeling connected). Be strategic about who you select. Find someone that you can both connect with personally and can support one another regarding work. Don't wait until you're stressed out to reach out for support.

Business speak is important. Take some quiet time to identify how the heavy workload and isolation is impacting your work. For example, are you working additional hours (which cost the company money)? (yes) Are you finishing things behind schedule, which impacts deliverables? (no) What would be better if your workload were more manageable and you had better engagement and support? (I probably wouldn't have ended up on medical leave) Identify those things AND how they impact the people you support and the business. Identify specifically what you need help with then ask for that. Share the impact with your manager. Tell her you are concerned about the impact the workload is having on the business. (I did, I got written up)

Another great strategy is to discuss workload and ask for reprioritization. For example, share with your manager exactly what is on your plate and competing for completion. Tell her that you are concerned about being able to deliver on expectations on time and you need her to reprioritize and set new deliverable dates. Most managers appreciate this because they don't want to be surprised by things coming in late. Make sure your manager understands the breadth and depth of your workload and the impact that (I did and she told me to stop doing anything that wasn't for her, which put me in a terrible position with the rest of the company).

If you are working long hours, another strategy is to make a commitment to yourself to end your day at a reasonable hour. Share with your manager that you have a family commitment (which is a commitment to your self-care) and you will need to end your day on time to make the commitment. (I did and she treated me like I was quietly quitting if I wanted/desperately needed to work less than 60 hours a week).

Bottom line: be proactive with your manager. YOU TAKE CONTROL! You are a professional and you bring certain skills to the table. Your ability to deliver those skills well is being challenged by the current environment. Ask clearly for what you needed - backed up by clarity on the impact that the heavy workload is having. Make it clear that you're committed to your role and to doing it well and that you need your manager's assistance to be at your best. (I did and my position was eliminated, thanks for the advice!)

[Eireanne]

The more I understand what co-dependency means, the more I recognize I've never been co-dependent, I've craved wanting to know what INTER-dependent was.  I've never experienced that in a relationship.

"The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development.  I used to say, 'If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.'  Now I say, 'I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.'"

It's always better to be alone than to be in bad company.  And when you do decide to come back for someone, do so because you're truly better off with this person.  Don't do it just for the sake not being alone.

you know you're on the right track in life when you become uninterested in looking back, and eager to take the next step (well, I guess I'm not on the right track)

[Eireanne]

One of the hardest challenges we face is to simply live in our own skin – to just be right here, right now, regardless of where we are.  Too often we needlessly distract ourselves with anything and everything: food, booze, shopping, television, tabloid news, online social networks, video games, iPhones, iPads, etc. – basically anything to keep us from being fully present in the current moment.

We use compulsive work, compulsive exercise, compulsive love affairs, and the like, to escape from ourselves and the realities of living.  In fact, many of us will go to great lengths to avoid the feeling of being alone in an undistracted environment.  So we succumb to hanging-out with just about anybody to avoid the feeling of solitude.  For being alone means dealing with our true feelings: fear, anxiety, excitement, uncertainty, anger, joy, resentment, disappointment, anticipation, sadness, and so on and so forth.

And it doesn't really matter if our feelings are positive or negative – they are overwhelming and exhausting, and so we prefer to numb ourselves to them.

The bottom line is that every one of us is an addict, and what we are addicted to is avoiding ourselves.  Acknowledging this addiction is the first step to healing it.  So begin again right now by just breathing, alone, and noticing with curiosity, and without judgment, all of the little ways you can simply BE in your own skin, right here, right now, in this present moment we call life. 

[Eireanne]

Sometimes the situations we don't want are the ones we need to grow.  Embracing this may be painful at first, but nothing in life is as painful as staying endlessly stuck in situation you don't belong simply because you are too scared to walk alone for awhile (potentially the rest of your life).

The desire for everything you don't have. – No, you won't always get exactly what you want, but remember this: There are lots of people who will never have what you have right now. The things you take for granted, someone else is praying for. Happiness never comes to those who don't appreciate what they already have.

You're not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago. You're always growing. Experiences don't stop. That's life.

Decide right now that negative experiences from your past won't predict your future.

Rarely do people do things because of you; they do things because of them. You honestly can't change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react and who you choose to be around.

Treat everyone with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are. Make kindness a daily habit; it's what makes life happier and more fulfilling in the long run.


Challenge the scarcity mindset and shift to a more positive way of thinking—We all have layers of limiting beliefs, fears, and blocks that cannot be changed overnight. Instead, we have to put in the work of undoing the negative patterns that have been stored in our unconscious and replacing them with more empowering ones.

Note what you instinctively focus on. (abandonment, rejection, and feeling invisible - having no voice)

The brain has a negativity bias. keep a "worry list" where you write down worries the second they come to you. This will help release the heavy energy that often keeps us stuck.

I had to stop listening to what everyone was saying about everything in order to figure it out for myself.  Meditation for example, I had to figure out what worked for me before I could figure out how to meditate, listen to so many people's perspectives before I found one I agreed with.  I need to do the same thing for me looking for a job, not just doing what everyone else says to do, that's only gotten me jobs with abusive and toxic people and allowed the cycle of bullying to continue.  I really don't need to listen to what other people think I need to do, because I'm doing what I need to do.  The feeling that this is all there is going to be for the rests of my life is the worry, and it IS valid, because this is all I've ever known, so how can I imagine something different?  I just need to keep going through it.

[Eireanne]

The challenge is that we are the product of our past experience and all of our thinking is the result of this.  However, the past does not equal the future. 

[Eireanne]

When someone exits your life for whatever reason, the longer you're away from that person the easier it will be to embrace the change.

This too shall pass.

Every situation, good and bad, is temporary and the longer we go without things being the way they were, the more we can adapt. Think about a time you left a job, went through a breakup, or lost a pet... The sting is still there when you think about it, but odds are you're at a much better place now than before because of time. 

[Eireanne]

You can't change people. You can't will people to be something they are not. People are either going to be what you need from them or not. If they aren't then you don't need them in your life.

[Eireanne]

Choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice. Happy people choose to focus on the positive aspects of life, rather than the negative. They are not held hostage by their circumstances. They look at all the reasons to be grateful. "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."- Abraham Lincoln

I have a problem with this.  I am focusing on the "positive" aspects of life every day.  I am writing in a gratitude journal. I am meditating I am greeting other people with empathy and compassion.  I do not label my experiences as "negative" they just are, but any time I tell anyone what my lived experience is, they tell me how terrible it is, how tragic, how depressed I must be.  I'm not depressed.  But I'm not just happy.  I'm neutral.  I do not understand the concept of joy, but I see others have it.  Usually joy is triggered by a sense of belonging, which I do not feel.  I can be happy for all the things I've never experienced, and be grateful for the hardships which have shaped who I am...but where is the "happy" in any of that? 

When will the countless messages of "if you do the work, people will be drawn to you" end? No one is drawn to me. 

Today I imagined I was sitting in a restaurant, and someone approached me (usually just to ask if they can take the extra seat) but that I was asked, "how come you don't have any friends?"  "How come you've never experienced love (my definition of love)? and I have no answers.

My mind supplies them - I'm cursed, I'm giving off a vibe, I'm invisible.  People are cruel, everyone was just too busy to notice me...it's all just that...my brain trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.  I may never understand why I have to walk this world alone.  The isolation is less painful, but it's still there.  I'm trying to get accustomed to it before winter sets in, so I've got a few more weeks.  Creating a routine for myself, but still completely avoiding everything I keep thinking (and writing down) I need to do.  Does anything even matter anyway?  Will anything ever make sense?

[Eireanne]

And then I read this:  'Negative' feelings aren't meant to be fixed; they're meant to be felt. Often, sometimes the only way onward is through.

[Eireanne]

It Is Not Personal The main reason why rejection can be so hurtful is because we are emotionally attached to the person we got rejected by (or the job we really wanted to have). If there were no emotions involved, we would not really care about the fact that we got 'rejected'.

Because we take it personally, we tend to blame ourselves for what happened and think that there must be something wrong with us in order for someone to reject us. Most of the times, it has absolutely nothing to do with us and the person who rejected us has totally other reasons why.

Always remember that you never fully know what someone else is thinking and therefore you can't interpret why they rejected you.

It Doesn't Define Who You Are Always know your worth, what you stand for and who you are. Most of us experience a negative feeling towards ourselves and think that, like mentioned above, the rejection defines us as a person. Luckily it absolutely does not and it happens to the best of us.

Next time you get rejected, think of all your positive characteristics, your talents and amazing things you have established and done.

Everything happens for a reason Always keep in mind that there probably is a reason why you got rejected. It may take time before you see and why, but in the end you will understand why it went the way it went and sometimes even be happy you got rejected.

Use it for a better you Life rises and falls with your attitude towards things and how you act upon it. If you see rejection as an opportunity to learn from your experience and reflect on yourself, rejection will become a valuable aspect in your life and you will learn how to grow from it.

[Eireanne]

The things I'm reading are triggering a voice in me that's still trying to convince me it's something *I* am doing wrong. 

Like even just typing that, the voice says, "well you need to take responsibility" only the voice is based on BS.

This article says, "we're hard-wired to seek social connections, and a big part of that involves making ourselves as acceptable and likeable as possible so that we don't end up fighting off hungry mammoths alone."  but it goes on to say that you end up being fake to get people to like you (I don't).

Wouldn't it be wonderful to stop spending energy trying to do the impossible by pleasing everyone and, instead, find a bunch of people who accept you for who you are and not just the picture you're presenting?

Um, I can't please anyone, let alone everyone.  My core mother wound is that I am a disappointment.  This does not make me try harder.  This makes me accept that my mother never took the time to truly see me (nor did any of my "friends" - their loss).  However, the "bunch" of people who accept me?  Where is this bunch?  I'm not presenting a picture of anything, I am, to the best of my ability, my authentic self. 

Does that mean currently I tend to share things with people that make them uncomfortable, because as a whole it seems people live relatively sheltered lives and think the world is a just place? Perhaps.  But I don't do it intentionally with that goal in mind.  It's not my fault a majority of the population DO present a version of themselves that is a story they want you to believe about them.  I am just me.  Why that is not more broadly accepted, I don't know.  But the people that are showing up for me never have any criticisms. 

Nor did any of my former managers.  I've always exceeded expectations in every area.  So...sigh. 

The article goes on to suggest a post on how to stop comparing yourself to others...who are these others?  The only thing I'm comparing myself to is the gaping holes where my basic needs should be and the emptiness it makes me feel for desiring to feel those things.