Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

Triggering statement is triggering... (when I typed that the other day, it didn't really sit well with me...because 'trigger' isn't the word I wanted to use, but I didn't have another.  "This brought a bunch of stuff up for me" is more accurate.)

A person with a positive attitude will see set backs and obstacles as learning opportunities whereas a negative thinker will victimize themselves. Stop for a minute and think about how you're viewing this world – whatever and however you see it is your choice.

I've been told I'm "too negative" and I "worry too much" and my verbal ventilation is "complaining" and I act like a victim.... 

[Armee]

 

Those platitudes just simply don't apply to trauma, EerieAnne. Your gut there is 100% right

[Eireanne]

Circumstances.

I lost all my friends in HS because my parents moved to another state my senior year.  Yes, there could have been the reality where they were more proactive about keeping in touch.  The story I tell myself is that I wasn't worth it.  But that's not even the story I told myself, it was "out of sight, out of mind" 

I keep reading all these things to think back about the happy times, but all I keep thinking about are how many times I put myself out there just to feel invisible.  And the repeated instances that create a confirmation bias has created a narrative.  Most of which was out of my control.  It IS out of my control that I don't have the support I need, the resources.  The understanding.  I'm just one person, doing the best I can with what I have. 

[Eireanne]

Those platitudes just simply don't apply to trauma, EerieAnne. Your gut there is 100% right

Thank you Armee...you stopping by means a lot to me 

[Eireanne]

When you wake up in the morning
Do you look around and notice the magic and splendor of the beauty of this world?
Do you fill your heart with all that you are grateful for

Do you settle for less than the deep emotional connection that only two open hearts can create
And tell yourself that what you have is enough.
When your heart knows that it is not?

What if today, you let your heart speak freely.
What would she or he say?
What one daring act of love would you be willing to take
To risk letting love walk in your heart's door?
To set your heart free
To do what it does best
To love.
And in return allow you to revel and trust in that love forever.


I used to read this and think....yes, I completely did settle and tell myself that what I had was enough. I was conditioned to, by everyone.  "You need to lower your expectations, you have to be grateful for what you have" etc.

I devalued my worth by letting people continue to give me less than the bare minimum and called it love and friendship.  I'm bothered that I'm still giving so much energy to these people as I work through how rejected and abandoned I've been my entire life...how my brain uses all this as confirmation bias to prove to me that I'm unlovable, unwanted, not enough.

I used to think that daring to love and risk meant showing people how vulnerable I was, and hoping they would recognize it and treasure it, and me.  Even now, as I stop doing that, all the things I'm reading reinforce that I'm "closing myself off to the opportunity of love, and you never know who you are going to meet if you don't put yourself out there" but I do and there's nothing and that's sad. I hurt.  I am vulnerable. So I'll just have to be content to be vulnerable on my own and not hope or wish for the future, but just radically accept the now.   And trust that is enough.  Maybe that's the risk I need to be taking. 

[Moondance]

  

[Eireanne]

  right back Moondance - thank you


I'm not sure how much I buy into this...more like taking it with a grain of salt thing?  But still something to think about:

My current understanding is this: when we listen to our inner voice, and allow our most heart-felt desires to be "heard," THEN we can hold a clear intention for our soulmate. It's also a good idea to be unattached to when and how they show up in our lives while maintaining a "knowing" that they are already ours.

Spiritual growth, ascension...whatever you want to call it is about becoming more conscious of the energy you are sending out into the world and consciously choosing something that feels more like Love, Peace and Joy.

Determine what it is that you DO want to experience? How would that look, sound and feel? Create the experience of it in your imagination and enjoy all of the exquisite details for at least a minute or two. Feel how relieved and light you feel when you simply focus on what you want.
Our minds only knows what it knows. So what if the Universe has a way you haven't imagined for this to come into your life.

Imagine you are holding the symbol of your desire in your hand. You are standing on the edge of a cliff overlooking a beautiful, crystal clear lake. Take a deep breath and toss your symbol out and watch it slowly fall down into the water.

Take a deep breath and allow yourself to feel the relief knowing that it will be taken care of.

As you practice these steps, you are changing the energy you send out into the world. Your life will reflect this change back to you in seemingly miraculous ways.

[Eireanne]

Just leaving this here to consider some other time...

We must also forgive ourselves for unconsciously blaming others for simply reflecting back to us the vibration we have sent out. Taking responsibility for our lives and all our feelings is an important step to Mastery.

If you describe a problem that has occurred and offer some clear, positive suggestions that will improve it...
you have choices, you have resources, breathe.  breathe into your adult self that has perspective. wrap your arms around the part of you that has the idea she's not wanted, important, not loveable.  research ways to find ways to learn how to be the person you want to be, instead of the person your voices tell you you are.

we train people how to treat us.  It's important to actively cultivate, prepare, develop yourself with ways the person you need to become. 

know with an absolute confidence in your manifestation abilities.  invest in growing yourself. there's a gap between where you want to be and where you are currently.  Figure out how to get where you want to be and everything else will fall into place.  invest in a support structure.  be surrounded by the consciousness of possibility.

[Eireanne]

and this...

Love is what you are —in your essence, in your deepest core.  You are never separate from love.  But often, from living in fear, your body will close to the feelings of love; your heart will close in protection.
 
But closure is not a final state.  Love is like a rose, opening in bloom. The bud is tight, protected, contained —Yet its destiny is to open and blossom, to unfold its fragrance for all to enjoy.
 
Today, be willing to feel the love in your heart.  You don't need someone else in order to feel the love that you are.  Invite love to expand and to bloom in offering.  You are that love you long for!

Every one of us must walk the path of forgiveness.  We don't get out of this life without that curriculum.  There's not one person who doesn't have the experience of betrayal.  It's an experience that is unavoidable.
 
Here's what to remember:  It doesn't matter what the story is.  It's your curriculum of becoming, the unveiling of the power and the authority within you that determines who you are, not what happened.

Step by step in your awareness —in your practice of forgiveness, look at where you are out of alignment.  Any place you are out of ease you know that your thoughts have been in separation from source.

But you can choose again!  When you are in harmony with Life, you feel better.  You are more alive.  Today, choose to release yourself from pain through the great power of forgiveness, and feel the fullness of your life.

Imagine walking through this day realizing that moment by moment, you are in the Holy Instant of the Universe. There is nothing blocking you from unlimited good except your own sense of separation.  That means the only thing you really need to heal is your sense of separation from Life. (true story!)

Today, you are in the Holy Instant.  You are right where a shift to greater good is possible.  You are right where all possibility is.  Open to that.

[Eireanne]

I think these are from 2009...I am assigning thoughts to how I feel about that, but letting them go.

stand up and breathe all the way down into your hips and ask yourself, what's the best thing about me?  Try to trigger the part of you that has access to wisdom and power and perspective, the part of you that knows in your clearest moments you deserve to have a great love in your life.  Just breathing into your hips and breathing into the center of this mature, loving adult presence, and just imagining one arm going around this part of yourself that's inside this old story.  ask yourself "what's the deeper truth about who I am?"

There is nothing you need to do other than fully be yourself to be worthy of being loved. 

Write down a statement that captures the essence of these truths in a way that can become an anchor for you in an ongoing way in your life.  If you feel the energetic of that old reaction and response come up into your relationship to those situations, you want to have a power statement to re-anchor and connect you with this deeper truth.  This is key, because wherever your consciousness is centered is the place that your life and your future gets generated.
 
So if you're emotionally centered in an experience of "I'm not wanted" of the non-possibility, you'll begin to respond to others and to life in ways that will generate evidence for that being true, instead of aligning yourself with this deeper truth and the possibility of your life in a way that gives you access to then show up and make choices, and who you're being is in alignment with that truth.  That's the fast track to evolving beyond these old beliefs, and powerfully showing up as a manifester of love. 

[Eireanne]

You have a great capacity for love and compassion and people are drawn to you because of your giving nature and angelic qualities. You're bright and realize there is so much more than meets the eye. You have an open mind and you, more than others, are in a position of great spiritual awareness and connectivity.

You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere." – Unknown

People are terrified of facing the inner void with full awareness. They are terrified of meeting their inner darkness head on and investigating it. However, if you don't face it, it is still there, and you will need to develop "coping strategies" to make life bearable. The ego's strategy is always to deal with the problem at the periphery, instead of at the center. The ego seeks to solve the problem by turning your consciousness outward. It tries to alleviate the inner pain by feeding you with outside energies. In this way, the ego seemingly creates an answer to the soul's deep longing for oneness, safety and love.

These feelings were created by an error in thought in the first place.

I did turn my attention within, but I was looking for what was wrong with me that others would treat me this way. And because I was looking for what was wrong, I eventually created it and found that others in the world treated me much the same way.

There was never, ever anything wrong inside of me to be released. There was only places where I had unconsciously never allowed love to flow.
So imagine the warm lights of love flowing into any area of your life that does not feel like love and allow the experience to just unfold without feeling like you need to controlconsider the outcome.

[Eireanne]

ask five people who already love you and care about you to fulfil one of those top four needs. The first person you ask is the hardest until you get over any feelings of squeamishness or embarrassment.  It gets much easier when you realize it isn't the big deal you were making it out to be. Yes, the people who love and care about you, really do want to meet your needs!

I read this and hear "those people just didn't love or care about you, and nobody wants to meet your needs. 

Others ARE our reflection.

The mind however takes all of these instances where the other person did not respond to us the way we wanted and collects it as evidence.
Each bit of evidence is laced with the negative emotional energy of the experience. This is how over time we form perceptions of others...by the bits of positive and negative emotional energy we have in our evidence file of that person.

So it stands to reason that if we want to change our perception of that person, we have to change the emotional charge of our evidence file.

hmmmm...

Acceptance is the key to change. If you are resisting what you are living, you cannot change it.

[Eireanne]

More things to hmmm about...

Become the OBSERVER. We must notice the thoughts that come up and instead of resisting them, embrace them and FEEL the energy they represent.

If we are having fearful thoughts, that is an indication that we have FEAR that is READY to be RELEASED. It means that fear is right there on the surface ready for us to release it. So instead of getting lost in those fearful thoughts, we simply need to recognize that we have fear to be released, FEEL for it, BREATHE into it and LET IT GO.

Anytime you practice the feelings of what you do want to experience, you must understand that everything that is unlike that must be released from your vibration.

Within all energy is stored information, so when you start to release negative energy this information...thoughts you may have stored for many years start to flow to the surface. As it flows upward, your Ego Mind starts to engage and attempts to protect you.

If you understand that this is all that's happening and you let it happen without reacting to the thoughts coming up, you can release the energy that spawns them. You can just BREATHE into it, let it go and return your focus to the positive intention you have and how that feels.

[Eireanne]

I wrote this somewhere between 2009-2014?

The one thing I am most passionate about: Improving myself, learning to be more outgoing, and exploring the area I live in. Finding a career that will enable me to both enjoy getting up in the morning and making a difference in the world. Finding someone I can share these gifts with.

The most important thing I am looking for in a person is: Someone that will accept me for who I am and be a good friend.

The most influential person in my life has been:
I really haven't met one yet. I have pretty much had to rely on myself.

The three things which I am most thankful for:
•   My strength.
•   My ability to stand up for what I know to be right, even if it makes me unpopular.
•   The way I can look past things to the truth and beauty that lies beneath.

Three of my best life-skills are:
•   Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings
•   Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
•   Managing my finances

The one thing I wish MORE people would notice about me:
I'm quite multi-faceted. I wish people would take the time to get to know me, instead of only seeing a small portion of who I really am.

The things I can't live without are:
•   food
•   shelter
•   air
•   water
•   hmmm....I think that's about it.

The first thing people notice about me:
I don't think people actually notice me at first. I tend to give off this "unapproachable" air, but it's really my shyness, when in reality I'm just hoping someone will talk to me.

I typically spend my leisure time:
I love watching movies, reading, or walking around the city taking photographs, even if it makes me look like a tourist. I like exploring, and I'm lucky to live by a such a great city.

My friends describe me as:
•   Genuine
•   Caring
•   Sweet
•   Thoughtful

Loving someone means
...that we are mature and evolved enough to actually extend ourselves into someone else's world. That in addition to sharing their joys and their accomplishments in life, we also become willing to bear the burden of their challenges. It means that the connection between your hearts and souls is so strong and so powerful that no matter what life brings your way, you know you have each other to depend upon.


"You want attentions, affections and affirmations that you are a valuable, desirable entity in human society...EVERYBODY needs that. It's scientifically proven that we NEED those things. so. Reasserting that there's nothing wrong with that as such."


It breaks my heart that 5, 10, 15, 20 years later after wanting the same thing, being the same person, doing everything I can to find someone, I'm back where I started...painfully alone with my own thoughts and so sad and lonely and not understanding why everyone rejects me. 

I'm about to do a deep dive into my last 2 "relationships" to help me process the third, and try to find what I was asking for and just...I don't know yet.

[Moondance]