Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

People will always find reasons to validate their actions and facts to support their beliefs. 


Step back from the situation. Your first instinct might be to immediately respond or defend yourself, but resist the urge; delay your response until you've gathered your thoughts. By allowing your emotions to run their course before addressing the situation, you prevent yourself from acting defensively or saying something you may regret later.


Everything and anything can change. It's only a matter of time.

Wonderful things can turn up at the very last minute. Become familiar with ambiguity and get used to uncertainty. Even if it's 20-30 years from now.


How many valleys have you survived?! How many battle scars do you have to show for? You've done it before and you'll do it again no matter how constricting it gets. Your past is your proof.


The best thing you can do is to let go of what you can't control, and focus on the things you can


The biggest problem is that people judge us based on a pool of influences in their own life that have absolutely nothing to do with us. 

[Eireanne]

If you can't be happy alone, you'll never be fully happy with someone else either.

Pretty sure the people that say this aren't socially isolated...because this advice is usually paired with "spend time with friends and loved ones" um....yeah. 

Especially when it's followed by, "One day, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else."

When I say...yes, but I've been waiting 40 years...I'm still supposed to be patient.  Or maybe just accept that for whatever reason, society has shunned me. And just sit with that hurt until it no longer...hurts?


We, as human beings, are social beings. We are inherently inclined to be around people and thrive in community; it is only natural that we want to share in our experiences with others. Socializing and conversing are how we forge friendships and ultimately help each other grow.

Statements like this just say to me, "you can't grow, you can't thrive" and the little voice in my head says how can you be happy if no one wants to be around you? How can you heal if no one wants to comfort you?"  and I'm just supposed to magically be able to do it alone. 

I just googled, "how to grieve alone" and all that comes up are variations of, "Call on Your Support System" 

Sigh


People tend to often misunderstand as well, as in this one article I'm reading that talks about the joys of doing things alone - "Being alone with your mind, however, is one of the best things for your soul." But she means as a break from being so social, not in the absence of all social things, and when I try to explain to people that it's hard for me to go out to social things, being surrounded by social people, all laughing and having a good time...it actually makes the isolation I feel more acute.  Like it should be enough for me to be NEAR people, but not actually included.  More of the same sitting out on a cold dark street looking into a window of warm, loving family, but not being able to feel it myself.  And if I say, "but I want to feel that too" then I'm co-dependent, because I should be able to enjoy my own company.  It just goes around and around. 


And we've been isolated because we've been told that it's stronger to be independent.

It's not true.

We're going to be healthier and stronger when we work together.

[Eireanne]

A lot of articles in my saved doc repeat themselves, so I've read this one several times and keep copying lines out of it...but here it is in it's entirety:

As human beings, we naturally respond to everything we experience through the lens of our learned expectations – a set of deep-rooted beliefs about the way the world is and how things should be.  And one of the most prevailing expectations we have involves external validation and how others 'should' respond to us.

Over a century ago, social psychologist Charles Cooley identified the phenomenon of the "looking-glass self," which is when we believe "I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am – I am what I think that you think I am."  This kind of external validation has insecurity at its core, and relying on it for even a short time chips away at our sense of self-worth and self-confidence.

The biggest problem is we tend to forget that people judge us based on a pool of influences in their own life that have absolutely nothing to do with us.  For example, a person might assume things about you based on a troubled past experience they had with someone else that looks kind of like you, or someone else who shares your same last name, etc.  Therefore, basing your self-worth on what you think others think puts you in a perpetual state of vulnerability – you are literally at the mercy of their unreliable, biased perspectives.  If they see you in the right light, and respond to you in a positive, affirming manner, then you feel good about yourself.  And if not, you feel like you did something wrong.

The good news is we have the capacity to watch our thoughts and expectations, identify which ones serve us, and then change the ones that do not.

Spend time clearly and consciously articulating to yourself how your thoughts about what others are (potentially) thinking plays out in your life.  Think of situations where it gets in your way, and identify the triggers and the regrettable responses it causes in your life.  Then identify a new behavior that creates a more beneficial response. (here's the problem - what's the new behavior? I feel I've tried everything except giving up - which is my current "new" behavior)

Tell yourself, "Instead of responding in the same old way based on what I think others are thinking, I will respond in this new way based on my new way of thinking about myself."  Every time you interrupt your automatic response and respond differently, you are re-wiring your brain to think more effectively. (Ah, so first I have to change the way I think about myself, got it)

The ultimate goal is to never let someone's opinion become your reality.  To never sacrifice who you are, or who you aspire to be, because someone else has a problem with it.  To love who you are inside and out as you push forward.  And to realize once and for all that no one else has the power to make you feel small unless you give them that power.

Some problems in life, such as not knowing what others think of you, are not really meant to be resolved.  As I've mentioned, how people perceive you may have more to do with them than you anyway.  They may even like or dislike you simply because you've triggered an association in their minds by reminding them of someone they liked or disliked from their past, which has absolutely nothing to do with you.

People will think what they want to think.  You can't control them.  No matter how carefully you choose your words and mannerisms, there's always a good chance they'll be misinterpreted and twisted upside down by someone.  Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?  No, it doesn't.

What DOES matter is how you see yourself.

The first thing you have to realize is that it's a trap to think you can fix another person's perception of you. You don't have to have a discussion with someone about whether or not they have the right perception of you. You just have to have the confidence in yourself and who you are. After all, not everyone will like everyone. Just because someone doesn't particularly like you on a personal level doesn't mean that you're a bad person. It just means that that person has a personal preference that they believe you haven't met. You can't control or change someone's inclination.

Negativity has a way of sticking to our minds because our brains are actually much more aroused by negative stimuli, which is why it's important to balance out those negative frequencies with positive ones. Filling your mind with positive affirmations is a great way to reshape your internal world and rid yourself of negative belief systems.

[Eireanne]

The human soul doesn't want to be advised or fixed or saved it simply wants to be witnessed exactly as it is

You can't heal somebody's pain by trying to take it away from them

Acknowledgment does something different

when a giant hole opens up in someone's life it's actually much more supportive to acknowledge that hole and let pain exist

it's a radical act to let things hurt

it goes against what we've been taught

in order to really support you I have to acknowledge that things really are as bad as they feel to you

if I try to cheer you up, you end up defending yourself and your feelings

if I give you advice you feel misunderstood instead of supported

[Eireanne]

Journeying through life alone is a learning process – you become stronger as you go.  It's like a kid who can't find her way home when she's alone – doing it the first few times is daunting and scary, but in the long run she's safer and better off having learned the way.

[Eireanne]

Many lifetimes ago I wrote poetry for a year.  It just flowed out of me and I wrote it all down, but sometimes there were just snippets.  Here's one:

don't expect me to react sensibly
if you withdraw your love from me
for a fairy heart burns fast and free

my love for you is boundless, and ebbs and flows like the tide
there are things about me you'd never guess
for those things inside, I feel blessed

you wanted me to stop thinking negatively, to put some faith in you
when I finally let down my guard, you act like we are through

[Eireanne]

I had met someone I thought had a heart that resembled my own, but I was mistaken, and he took my heart when he left.

[Eireanne]

The Law of Relative Gravity: Lighten up. A problem is only as heavy as you let it be.

The Doppler Effect of Communication: There is always distortion between what a speaker says and what a listener wants it to mean. 

The Centrifugal Force of Arguments: The farther you move from the core of the problem, the faster the situation spins out of control.

[Eireanne]

I feel as if everyone else in the world understands something which is being kept from me.

[Eireanne]

A long time ago I took a bunch of personality quizzes (in the never-ending search to try to understand myself better aka why no one else understands me) and this one stuck out.  I don't know what it's from or where I took it though

Color Q: Blue

Blues are dependable, thoughtful, and analytical. They seek to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated. Everything they do is quality-based. They are loyal friends, employers, and employees. Whatever or whomever they commit to is their sole (and soul) focus. They love to serve and give of themselves freely in order to nurture others' lives. Their personal code of ethics is remarkably strong and they expect others to live honest, committed lives as well. They enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation as well as paying close attention to special life events.

[Eireanne]

Align yourself with the energy that is already out there.

Create Reserves of Space, Time & Money. If you want to attract new things in your life, you need to open up the space to include them. Learn techniques to simplify your life, clear out the old and make room for new and better opportunities.

Well, that was taken care of for me.  The spaces in my life were forcibly opened up for me.  Eliminated from my job, rejected by my family, dismissed by my friends - now I have nothing but time to clear out the old.


Build Powerful Relationships. If you want great people in your life you first have to be one. Learn how to be of value to everyone in your life while being completely selfish in the best sense. Identify your personal needs, learn how to ask for what you want.

Still working on how to ask for what I want.  Asking directly doesn't seem to work.

To communicate effectively, you first need to become a profound listener and develop the art of acknowledging people fully.

I feel I already do this, but maybe I need to try harder to stop speaking and start listening?

[Eireanne]

Just for now, by Danna Faulds

Just for now,
Without asking how,
Let yourself sink into stillness.

Just for now, lay down the weight
You so patiently bear upon your shoulders.

Feel the earth receive you,
And the infinite expanse of the sky grows even wider,
As your awareness reaches up to meet it.

Just for now,
Allow a wave of breath to enliven your experience.

Breathe out whatever blocks you from the truth.

Just for now,
Be boundless, free,
With awakened energy tingling in your hands and feet.

Drink in the possibility,
Of being who and what you really are,
So fully alive that the world looks different,
Newly born and vibrant,
Just for now.


The principles of enoughness, by Tako-Pa ( 2018)

In a time that would have us believe
There is more to strive for,
more to accumulate, more enlightenment to reach --
the most radical stance we can take is enoughness.

What if we quit trying to be spiritual
and aspired to be human instead ?

What if there is nothing to fix
because we are already whole ?

What if there was  no time to prove ourselves,
because we're consumed with marveling at life ?

What if there is no reason to hold back our gifts,
because they are meant to be given ?

What if every morsel, every glance
every moment and every breath
is a miracle of enough ?


Belonging, by John O'Donohue

May you listen to your longing to be free.
May the frames of your belonging be generous enough for your dreams.
May you arise each day with a voice of blessing whispering in your heart.
May you find a harmony between your soul and your life.
May the sanctuary of your soul never become haunted.
May you know the eternal longing that lives at the heart of time.
May there be kindness in your gaze when you look within.
May you never place walls between the light and yourself.
May you allow the wild beauty of the invisible world to gather you, mind you,
And embrace you in belonging.

[Eireanne]

Reflecting on my meditation group lessons this morning...

Too often we only listen with the intent to reply, yet, it is possible to train ourselves to listen with the willingness to be changed by what the other has to say.

And indeed, because our human brain is wired to resonate empathically with others, the suffering of others is lived often like ours and it is a natural response to want it to stop.

Also, the motivation to help and to fix draws us into action and it is often easier than feeling, particularly when the pain of another triggers unresolved pain from our past.

When we jump in with advice, it often breaks the emotional connection with the speaker who is hoping consciously or not to receive compassion, the compassion that enables us to hold and transform the pain.

What can we do to maintain emotional connection while listening to the suffering of others ?

We need first to stay in connection with ourselves, to be aware of our own empathic pain and to be compassionate with us first.

It will give us the ability to let the other person share without trying to stop, fix, reshape or distract ourselves from the conversation.


Equanimity is our capacity to maintain our emotional balance in challenging times, in the midst of opposite feelings.

The practice of mindfulness is what leads to equanimity by giving us the space to see the complex and interdependent causes and conditions that make our lives as they are and understanding the limited control we have over them.

When we reach the wisdom from the radical acceptance of that discovery with the ability to stay balanced even though.., it is equanimity.


May I have the equanimity to accept my circumstances exactly as they are,
the wisdom to know when a course of change is appropriate,
and the courage to intervene or not and move into the next moment with grace and intelligence.

[Eireanne]

As words are so limiting and people tend to interpret the things I have in my head through their own limited understanding, it is easy to perceive I am in a deep depression.  One that does not ask for context or understanding will just therefore interpret what they will from what I say and it is this basic misunderstanding that causes a lot of my negative feelings.  Not from what I am feeling, but from how the way I word what I am feeling is interpreted and summarily rejected. 

I currently live in the negative space.  The use of the word negative implies that I am a negative person, and indeed I've been told my entire life how negative I am, how I complain/worry/overthink...how I am Eeyore, perpetually walking around with a raincloud over me and that is the picture of me people have painted and insisted I accept about myself.  That I am an introvert, that I am shy, that I lack confidence, and am insecure. 

As a child, my mother reinforced in me daily in both words and actions that I am worthless and not attractive.  That my very core is unappealing and I should change to be palatable to others, more accepted...but she didn't accept me.  So all I was given the gift of was rejection, and being invisible.  I walk through life invisible, rejected, desperate for somewhere to belong and someone to connect with and the more I put myself out there the stronger the feelings of rejection, until they just became a pattern that I couldn't escape. 

All it takes is one person to ask, "what do you mean by that?"

https://www.thenegativespace.life/what-is-negative-space

As usual, someone else's words sum up so beautifully what I am challenged to express. 

I've stopped referring to it as my negative space and now just call it my void...a conceptual space...because a majority of the time I don't think I exist out of my own mind.  I'm in a void...close your eyes and see that space?  That's where I am...me, unpacking my thoughts and reflecting on them in the negative space that I have been gifted with by being abandoned and rejected from life.  Time has no meaning, I have no obligations or responsibilities.  I just am. 

 

[Eireanne]

At the heart of your heart, make a circle, by Lucie Leu


At the heart of your heart make a circle.

Invite all the bits of yourself to come, sit by the fire.

This pressure in the chest,

that heat spreading through the cheeks,

This feeling of numbness

That feeling of rage,

The thought that says, "They're jerks",

the thought that says, "I'm nobody",

the need to be understood,

that yearning to be loved,

And the orphans peering in,

noses pressed against the cold window,

and the shadows lumbering in the basement closet,

Invite them, too, for there is space for them and more.

You are big. You are more than the pounding in the temples...

It doesn't overwhelm you.

You are larger than the thought, "I am worthless".

It doesn't consume you.

And if it does? And if it does? Invite Overwhelm into the circle.

Make a place for Despair.

And notice how you know to hold Overwhelm in your arms,

and Despair in steady embrace.

Cast no part of yourself away, and being whole, find all

humanity joining in the circle of your heart.