What can your loved ones do?

[j i m]

Hi,

First, I'm sorry, I'm exhausted and liable to make spelling and grammar errors.

I have been fortunate enough to find someone in my life that has been patient and understanding of my difficulties with CPTSD. She thoughtfully asked if there was something she could do when I am triggered that would help. I wonder if anyone here can give examples of things that have helped in working with their family or friends, or have thought of things that they wish they could ask for and find from these types of people in their life.

So far, when things get really difficult, I tell her I'm having a hard time and think I need solitude.. Depending who you ask, maybe a step up from just straight ghosting people. She's very respectful, and I appreciate it very much. But, I feel bad about it and miss her terribly when this happens.

I'm trying to build on other friendships I have so that she is not the only socialization that I get. I've read that can help, not feeling like you only have one really deep or meaningful relationship, but at least 2-3 friendships you can lean when you need it. It's hard. Even when I'm brave enough to hang out with someone, I default to anxiety ridden pacifism. Mostly. It has gotten a little better with practice, and I feel like slowly I'm able to contribute more to conversations. Anytime we reach more serious topics I fold... or freeze, I guess I should say.

I can definitely see now how often and how strongly I catastrophize... It's kind of ridiculous now that I see it, but I still can't seem to stop it. No matter how many logical experiences I have toward the contrary, I am certain things are going to buckle and sink right in front of me. I can't stand feeling unprepared for whatever disaster awaits, my nerves go crazy, and I create this self-fulfilling prophecy of failure.

Ok, sorry, part curiosity, part vent, I guess. Scheduled with a new therapist next week that is supposed to be more trauma centered. Maybe trying to think of how exactly I'd like that conversation to go can help me journal something productive.

I hope you're all taking care, as best you can.

[NarcKiddo]

When I am triggered I generally need space. My mother was very emotionally intrusive so if I am hyped up the last thing I need is someone asking me what is wrong. Even if I ask myself what is wrong (while trying to soothe inner child) that can trigger a meltdown. I guess it is different for everyone, though. Someone who was neglected and abandoned might need comfort or hugs. You might need solitude. I would, however, suggest you maybe think about your request for solitude to make sure that is actually what you want - that you are not just asking for solitude because you actually don't want to impose on your girlfriend. She sounds very empathic and kind.

I also need a physical outlet for my anger, fear and frustration. But discovering exercise. Hard, tough exercise like weight lifting and boxing, has really helped me with that. Even if I cannot punch anything in the trigger moment I know I can let out pent up frustrations later, and that helps.

I think I have more to share on this topic but I have to go on a visit to my FOO now (urgh, urgh, urgh). I may return later.

You take care, too.

[Bermuda]

Thanks for this thread. It's not so talked about. Maybe there is no easy answer.

I tend to be very flighty and am prone to feeling trapped. So for me it's very important not to pursue a subject I don't want to talk about, to be mindful of the space they consume. For example, if they are talking to me while standing in a doorway, it will trigger me. If I am avoiding a topic, persistence will make me feel threatened. I don't have support, so it's hard for me to envision what that would look like in an effective way. I know perhaps more about things that are harmful. Problem solving. Like you expressed, no amount of being rational can counter CPTSD, and solutions people pose that seem very simple to them, may be unthinkable to us. Maybe my problem could be resolved by a phone call, but that's not just a simple phone call, and that suggestion would leave me feeling even worse. The suggestion suggests that I am to blame for my problems, which would affect my executive function for a week. No one wants to be a part of that cycle.

I guess it would be nice to have someone listen. They don't need to agree or offer solutions, but just imagine what it feels like to us and focus on that as a fact and not something to be corrected. As far as practical things, I had a friend who would draw me cold baths or bring me ice cubes to hold on to when I was having a panic attack, and that was amazing. Above and beyond. It absolutely helps. Maybe having someone who asks what you need, when you don't realise that you may need something would be helpful. It's easier for an outsider to see. Having someone who constantly tried to find solutions kind of felt like there is a problem, that I am a problem, a burden.

So, ideally someone would ask if we need anything while we are disregulated, offer us space (even if it means parting with some of their own for a bit), and not focus on the symptoms too much. Be chipper afterward, not mocking, but enough that we know we are still loved, cared about, and not a burden. Compassion and acceptance.

[Ghost]

I used to feel like there wasn't anything anyone could do. I just needed to be alone, which was not always safe. I would go into a different room and lock the door. When we lived in a studio apartment I would close myself in the closet or bathroom.

It's taken time but now when I am mildly (like a 6 out of 10) triggered my husband will just share space with me while I dissociate or feel my feelings but we do not interact.
There are no expectations of me to interact with him (or the environment) he will not try to talk to me, hug me, or touch me at all and is very conscious about not touching me on accident but I'm not alone.
So I'm safe but it's okay that I'm not involved or actually present.

I've found this very calming, like deep in my soul calming. He'll quietly watch TV, play a game, cook/clean, or read a book and I'll just sit on the couch curled in a ball in the corner doing what I need to do.
Sometimes he'll go to the garage and he'll set me up a little chair with a blanket and I just exist there.
Just being able to exist with no expectations but not be alone is very helpful for me.

I am the one who needs to initiate communications when I'm ready but he always responds with a welcome-back attitude.

I think that sharing space when you need to be alone but not alone (if that's a thing for you) is a really nice soft place to start.

PS
She sounds lovely.

[j i m]

When I am triggered I generally need space. My mother was very emotionally intrusive so if I am hyped up the last thing I need is someone asking me what is wrong. Even if I ask myself what is wrong (while trying to soothe inner child) that can trigger a meltdown. I guess it is different for everyone, though. Someone who was neglected and abandoned might need comfort or hugs. You might need solitude. I would, however, suggest you maybe think about your request for solitude to make sure that is actually what you want - that you are not just asking for solitude because you actually don't want to impose on your girlfriend. She sounds very empathic and kind.

I also need a physical outlet for my anger, fear and frustration. But discovering exercise. Hard, tough exercise like weight lifting and boxing, has really helped me with that. Even if I cannot punch anything in the trigger moment I know I can let out pent up frustrations later, and that helps.

I think I have more to share on this topic but I have to go on a visit to my FOO now (urgh, urgh, urgh). I may return later.

You take care, too.

Hey, thank you for your response.

I've started thinking that maybe solitude is both right and wrong for me.. In that, I think there are times I need that space, and I'm doing best to ask for it. However, once I have it and I get myself centered, I feel bad about having needed it.. I think it often takes me longer to reach back out and reestablish contact in part as a punishment toward myself and in part due to low self esteem, thinking I've messed everything up and she doesn't want me in the way. She consistently respects my asks for space, and just as reliably is welcoming when I finally do reach back out. You would think eventually I'd stop questioning how she'll respond when I touch base again, but I'm always genuinely shocked she still wants to talk. Maybe some of my work can be in that area. I'm just not sure how to shake it.

Yes, I'd love to get more into weights, or some sort of activity. I'm pretty good at keeping up with a modest exercise routine, and have definitely noticed it helps. I had a pretty intense surgery a few months ago and it's difficult gauging when my body seems ready to take the next step into something heavier or more intense, though. I'm trying to have patience and slowly seeing results.

No worries. Best of luck to you. I hope to see you around again, when you have time.

[j i m]

Thanks for this thread. It's not so talked about. Maybe there is no easy answer.

I tend to be very flighty and am prone to feeling trapped. So for me it's very important not to pursue a subject I don't want to talk about, to be mindful of the space they consume. For example, if they are talking to me while standing in a doorway, it will trigger me. If I am avoiding a topic, persistence will make me feel threatened. I don't have support, so it's hard for me to envision what that would look like in an effective way. I know perhaps more about things that are harmful. Problem solving. Like you expressed, no amount of being rational can counter CPTSD, and solutions people pose that seem very simple to them, may be unthinkable to us. Maybe my problem could be resolved by a phone call, but that's not just a simple phone call, and that suggestion would leave me feeling even worse. The suggestion suggests that I am to blame for my problems, which would affect my executive function for a week. No one wants to be a part of that cycle.

I guess it would be nice to have someone listen. They don't need to agree or offer solutions, but just imagine what it feels like to us and focus on that as a fact and not something to be corrected. As far as practical things, I had a friend who would draw me cold baths or bring me ice cubes to hold on to when I was having a panic attack, and that was amazing. Above and beyond. It absolutely helps. Maybe having someone who asks what you need, when you don't realise that you may need something would be helpful. It's easier for an outsider to see. Having someone who constantly tried to find solutions kind of felt like there is a problem, that I am a problem, a burden.

So, ideally someone would ask if we need anything while we are disregulated, offer us space (even if it means parting with some of their own for a bit), and not focus on the symptoms too much. Be chipper afterward, not mocking, but enough that we know we are still loved, cared about, and not a burden. Compassion and acceptance.

Hello,
Thank you for your thoughts.

I get what you mean. It's kind of hard to know what might work, or what to suggest. I do feel like in my case she is willing to try things and re-assess if something is not working or feels worse.. So, maybe you could try that phone call, or even writing letters? I often feel like writing things gives me time and space to consider my response and see if I feel it's worded well the next day before sending something. Sometimes it seems better to be in person, to see people's reactions, hear their voice. Sometimes it can be triggering, other times calming and reassuring. Thank you for your insights, and I would like to wish you luck in finding solutions that work well for you.

I can see what you mean about the constant need to fix things leaving you feeling problematic. I sometimes ask people if they would like a listener, a problem solver, or even a distractor. I'm not always good at knowing what to say, but I can typically find a cute cat meme.. Depending on the person, it might be just the thing.

[j i m]

I used to feel like there wasn't anything anyone could do. I just needed to be alone, which was not always safe. I would go into a different room and lock the door. When we lived in a studio apartment I would close myself in the closet or bathroom.

It's taken time but now when I am mildly (like a 6 out of 10) triggered my husband will just share space with me while I dissociate or feel my feelings but we do not interact.
There are no expectations of me to interact with him (or the environment) he will not try to talk to me, hug me, or touch me at all and is very conscious about not touching me on accident but I'm not alone.
So I'm safe but it's okay that I'm not involved or actually present.

I've found this very calming, like deep in my soul calming. He'll quietly watch TV, play a game, cook/clean, or read a book and I'll just sit on the couch curled in a ball in the corner doing what I need to do.
Sometimes he'll go to the garage and he'll set me up a little chair with a blanket and I just exist there.
Just being able to exist with no expectations but not be alone is very helpful for me.

I am the one who needs to initiate communications when I'm ready but he always responds with a welcome-back attitude.

I think that sharing space when you need to be alone but not alone (if that's a thing for you) is a really nice soft place to start.

PS
She sounds lovely.

Hey Ghost,
Thank you for this suggestion.. It really touched my heart. I do think sometimes it would be nice to have this. I had not thought of that before. I have a feeling she would be happy to try it, at least.

I'm very glad to hear that you have this in your life now. He sounds great, too. I feel blessed to have her in my life, and wherever our paths lead, I am grateful for the experiences we have shared and the growth I've seen in knowing her. I'd like very much to be able to carry that growth forward in my relationships, with her especially.