Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
I hope that the letters you wrote will help you. 
All the best to you too. 
Hope 

[StartingHealing]

Hi StartingHealing,
I hope that the letters you wrote will help you. 
All the best to you too. 
Hope 

Thank you for your kind words.  I do appreciate them. 

[StartingHealing]

10-7-23

I guess I am having emotional flashbacks or something now.  I thought that it was only related to the current (insert favorite cuss phrase here) issue with the sale of the marital residence. IDK if it's a good thing that I've went from having fecal matter happen when the association to the undiagnosed exBPD moved to more things in the environment. Or is this a next stage in the progression of the CPTSD stuff?  Since I wonder about my mental health that means that I'm not disconnected from reality.  Right?

Am I writing this to me or to someone else that may look at it from time to time? 

Yeah, lots of disconnect there.

Kinda scary when I start diving into it.  Lots o "stuff" ya know?

Lordy, lots of stuff.

[StartingHealing]

10-8-23

In this moment I am ok.  That is a new mantra of mine.  Was a * of a night / day.  Was really really .. emotions running way high yesterday, I ended up using lots of passion flower, skullcap, magnesium, and then had the idea that I needed to have a sip or 2 of whiskey.  The combo definitely got me "relaxed" but when the 1/2 oz of alcohol wore off, it woke me up because the returning to a more normal level of body activity. Was having interesting physical sensations of almost like having a "dead" limb regain it's sensation running down both arms and the old noggin was in full spin mode on past / future fecal matter.  Was able to get back to sleep finally after IDK how long of being uncomfortable in my own skin.  Was still out of it this AM. 

I called and talked to my spiritual mentor (I consider them as family) and they helped but then there was more emotional puke that needed to come out.  I called a family member who is now in a pretty good place. As they put it they are on the same river just further along.  Having some "people" that you can emotionally puke to helps sooooo much.  Having a live person on the other end of the phone to me is something very special.   

More realizations:  There is lots of shame, feeling ashamed, embarrassment, like where did I get the expectation of self that I'm somehow more than human?  Or sometimes less than. 

Not real good at naming emotions.. It's partially a guy thing and partially because for a long time I was ignoring them. Disassociation ya know?

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing

Sorry to hear of the stressful weekend you've had. You made one comment I really resonated with: You asked "Where di I get the expectation of self that I'm somehow more than human? Or sometimes less than."

I've burned myself out after years, and years, and years of feeling like I had no choice but to be superhuman. And the only times I wasn't thinking I had to be more than everyone else, the pendulum swung to me being sure I was less than everyone else.  I remember one time asking my therapist, "Why can't I just be allowed to be average? Why do I have to work 4 x harder than everyone else just to be allowed to live another day?"

I guess that by being raised by narcissists who demanded we take care of them, even when we were tiny children, we just grew up thinking it was our responsibility to work harder than everyone else. We are expected to be superhuman.

I hope your tomorrow is better than today, and you can relax and enjoy just being average.

[StartingHealing]

StartingHealing

Sorry to hear of the stressful weekend you've had. Part of the healing crisis You made one comment I really resonated with: You asked "Where did I get the expectation of self that I'm somehow more than human? Or sometimes less than."  Really? D-_n. I guess there is much that is similar amongst us.

I've burned myself out after years, and years, and years of feeling like I had no choice but to be superhuman. I didn't get to burnout, close tho. And the only times I wasn't thinking I had to be more than everyone else, the pendulum swung to me being sure I was less than everyone else.  I remember one time asking my therapist, "Why can't I just be allowed to be average? Why do I have to work 4 x harder than everyone else just to be allowed to live another day?"  I savvy that sentiment. For me it sure feels like that.

I guess that by being raised by narcissists who demanded we take care of them, even when we were tiny children, we just grew up thinking it was our responsibility to work harder than everyone else. We are expected to be superhuman.
I "get" that we need to be of "service" to others when adulting, but as wee ones, that's messed up you know?

I hope your tomorrow is better than today, and you can relax and enjoy just being average.

It was a good day actually. Had a emotional puke day and came to several realizations. Shame, the expectation of being superhuman, the story I tell myself about myself is jacked, self concept is tied into self compassion.  Thank you Papa Coco for your kind words. I do appreciate them.

[StartingHealing]

10-10-23
slept ok I guess.  I think that I need to start adjusting my herbal stack.  Yesterday was alright.  I still spin up when things come up about the court situation. 

This doesn't feel good at all at the current moment.  don't really have a lot to say at the moment.  I found some intentions that feel like they are supportive. 

Wishing all here all the best

[Armee]

Anybody going thru a divorce like this would spin up at least a bit when court stuff comes up. I'm sure it's harder given the layers of your past and the nature of the marriage and divorce but definitely try to not beat yourself up about getting worked up. That's to be expected. 

[StartingHealing]

Anybody going thru a divorce like this would spin up at least a bit when court stuff comes up. I'm sure it's harder given the layers of your past and the nature of the marriage and divorce but definitely try to not beat yourself up about getting worked up. That's to be expected. 

It's not like I am beating myself up over it.  it's more of the emotional storm and that gets the body spun up and then trying to calm down.. self sooth, sometimes is problematic.

[StartingHealing]

10-10-23
I am feeling the need to tell my experiences again.  Doing that seems to reduce the "pressure" as it were.
I was adopted.  It was a closed adoption and as such, there was no genetic mirrors for me and the adoptive parents were not prepared for the emotional storm that came along with me.  It is NOT "normal" for a child to NOT have mother.  That loss .. How do you express the emotions when it is pre-verbal? 
like *? ya know?  And it's not like there was nothing out there about the issues that adoptees face.  In fact it was well known by early 1700's!  To much $$$ involved so we are going to ignore the evidence. Those misbegotten sons of a she devil. 

Then, the year I turned 14, adoptive father died in a traffic accident.  He was my person you know? He was the safe place, the rock, my best friend, my hero.  I wanted to be just like him. Strong, kind, gentle, didn't brook no foolishness though. Somewhere along the line I missed the part about boundaries.

Adoptive mother was.. f-ed.  Supposedly anxiety but growing up she loved her xanax.  She was also a hoarder as well.  The house was packed full of fecal matter.  It was to a point where like most kids I wanted to have school buddies over. No way in he77 though.  With the house like it was?  Lord have mercy I was so ashamed of that.  And the hand me downs that were decades out of date, the bowl haircuts, the dolls, those stinking dolls, alright so she was a collector of dolls. Fine, but she didn't DO anything with them.  She didn't manage the collection, she wasn't actively trading them she wasn't doing ANYTHING on a family farm. 

Felt like that is why she pushed to get a boy so she wouldn't have to do anything on the farm that actually resulted in making a living.

I think that was a set up for what came later.

I see the pattern now.  Unresolved stuff and big blind spots that you could drive a tractor trailer through and ended up with a partner that was personality disordered.
25 years.  of *.  Didn't start that way. The love bombing, the mirroring, it was so good, so good. and then.. over the years, it went south, and it was always my fault for everything.
Doing the typical guy thing I did my absolute best to do the things and not a single thing ever made a single iota of difference.  There was no correlation between actions and emotional / mental state with her.  None.  D-_mnest thing ever. 

I know that I was manipulated, the wool was pulled over my eyes, I was snookered into a very very very bad deal.

Depending on the day, the phase of the moon, which planet is in retrograde or some other reason I cannot discern, there is anger, nay rage even, grief, sadness, shame, guilt (why didn't I bail sooner?)  retroactive BS doesn't help but am attempting to honor my feelings on all of this.

I'm getting sleepy finally.  I think I will close this down now.

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

10-11-23

Slept ok.  Had old school oven baked potatoes with a lentil chili over the top for dinner last night.  Perhaps my groundedness has been cattywampus for a while.

It feel good yesterday to put into words my experiences.  I admit that the feelings I have experienced may be from me not seeing the entirety of the picture.  However that is a impossible ask for a child. 

I'm still in that balance point of adjusting the herbal stack to allow me to function without being numbed out.

I am safe in this moment.  This moment is all that there is. 

Wishing all here all the best.

[StartingHealing]

Well that was trippy.  10-11-23

Was listening to music and it finally was to a point where I could dance.  It felt sooooo good to move my body in joy rather than to just perform some function or task.  I ending up having a emotional reaction because it realized that it's been such a very long time since I was able to do that.  For the sheer joy of it. 

[dollyvee]

Hi SH,

I agree with you, it is a lot (too much/unacceptable) to ask those things from a child, and IMO, as children, we were doing the best we could with what we knew how to do. Self compassion is a difficult thing.

I read on another forum about a correlation between narcissists and hoarding. Someone mentioned because they don't really have a connection to reality, it's like these objects become the reality, the false memories etc. I don't know how accurately I paraphrased that, but it sort of made sense to me.

I'm sorry too that you lost your adopted father at an age when you probably really needed him. I lost my father at 14 and someone said that to me recently, and I didn't even acknowledge that I probably had that need because I was so used to pushing everything down. Anyways, that's my experience. I also relate to what you say about the emotional storm coming after/during a relationship break up with someone who is NPD. I felt like I was going crazy as I tried to unpack what was happening, how could this person not be reasonable etc. This is actually what birthed my learning about NPD, and eventually CPTSD about seven years ago. Even now though I feel I'm in a much better and more aware place emotionally, I think I'm really hard on myself for trusting "someone like that." I'm now realizing too, that this feeling of being taken advantage of is something that comes with fearful avoidant attachment. As kids of NPD parents, we so readily give to others, whether they deserve it or not, because that's what we were trained to do.

Sending you support,
dolly

[StartingHealing]

Thank you DollyVee

Last night was good and not so good.  Good in that where I was feeling good.  I was in a good place and I didn't want it to end, then I tried to sleep but the noggin wouldn't shut down, did the mantras and finally fell asleep.  Was tired this AM.  Was able to have coffee but then the anxiety kicked in.  There are times that I feel frustrated with the rollercoaster of the feelings.

Lots of childhood "stuff" coming up over the last couple of days.  It's good that I'm aware of the root but getting back into those feelings.. aaaagggghhhh. 

I screwed my courage to my spine and went ahead and made a FB account yesterday.  Have several requests in for private support groups.  some on adoption trauma, some on CPTSD, some for victims of PD abuse.
Will see where that goes.

Like a child I guess that I need to tell my story over and over till I don't need to repeat it any longer.

Wishing you all the best.

[StartingHealing]

yeah, lots of mother wound coming to the front.