Forging New Paths

[Blueberry]

I got quite a lot done yesterday morning and early afternoon. Then I needed a long break, slept several hours.

Today I've been able to keep going with my momentum. I did some gardening for LL. Whether the actual activity (raking leaves) was tiring somehow or something else, I didn't finish because I got tired. But then I changed activities and started doing some of my own gardening and really got on well with it, the chief activity being digging holes to plant my raspberries and 2 currant bushes. I was expecting to have to struggle because I always had a hard time getting the spade deep into the soil in my old place but in this part of this new garden it's much easier. When things are unexpectedly easy, it's an overall relief, which I really feel. Before I got too tired physically I stopped, which is good going on my part. I realise now that when I was doing work for LL, I got tired in a different kind of way. Maybe a little bit physically, but also something else, like probably wanting to get going with my own work but not recognising that in so many words. So those are some useful realisations.

From yesterday till today I also got lots of little stuff done - making appointments, basic self-care, taking all my meds and starting up with my Vit.D supplement - partially for my bones. It's important that I'm taking medium-term care of my body. Also made more space in my loft room by amalgamating some stuff and emptying boxes.

I feel better in general, more optimistic.

[Hope67]

 

[Armee]

 

So glad to read you are in a good feeling stretch

[CactusFlower]

Congrats not only on getting stuff done, but stopping within your boundaries. I resonate with going past my limits sometimes. It's great to see you're doing better!

Gentle hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope, Armee and CF      to all

I think what's going on atm is that I'm being mindful. I have ideas of what I'd like to do, impulses, but I'm better able to briefly stop and feel: Is that a correct action for me today or even rn? Or am I jumping the gun and that particular action might be better tomorrow after all? Am I having an impulse to do something today in order to make it easier for someone else but in so doing making it harder for me?

For example, last night I was planning what to do today, roughly. I thought Saturday is a day of rest, sort of, so I don't want to push myself to do too much and then be exhausted Sunday and Monday. I'm feeling better in general than the last weeks so want to go up to the farm on Sunday, which is somewhat strenuous - more than for example just staying at home reading. otoh it's meant to be really windy on Sunday and a bunch of people at the farm are unwell - colds, flu I expect + one Corona-positive, not sure if I want to stay overnight onto Monday and do my early morning work, because I don't want to get sick. The wind makes it harder for me to get there because of cycling at least part way, not just harder but potentially dangerous. (That's partly what else has been holding me back the previous weeks).

Today, Saturday, there aren't going to be these sudden huge gusts of wind so I could go up to the farm today and then come back home again before it gets dark and gusty. That way I could do at least the prep work that I usually do Sunday eve and that would be a help. And I could go and talk to the real pigs and maybe even the gpigs and that would be nice. otoh there are things to do in town today and I still can't decide what clothes to put on, nor do I even want to get dressed. It's good for me to take that into consideration and NOT just bulldoze myself. otoh it might be possible to leave a few Parts in bed and then get dressed. Maybe 5-10 years ago that helped sometimes for getting up in general. But then again impulses for things to do at home that I don't often have and maybe won't after the weekend or even tomorrow either, like a little more unpacking (from move!) and setting up, maybe putting up some pictures. That's often pretty strenuous emotionally so not something that I often have an impulse to do.

In smaller ways I'm being more mindful of impulses and whether I carry them out or not too. This way I feel that I'm actually getting more small stuff done but a little less jerkily meaning I don't have the feeling that I start one thing and then end up doing something else and then go back to the first etc. Instead I start and complete one small task and then tidy up. And then consider what next.

As a tool, I had my daily Highly Recommended/Could lists but now I've changed that a bit to a list of regular stuff that's helpful in keeping me stable and/or some harder stuff that I want to instigate for my physical health. I tick these off whenever I manage one and it helps me to see the check marks. My occupational therapist reminded me of that last week. Then I have a list of one-off things to do like go for an eye test which I did yesterday. There's other stuff on there where I know I 'should' do it, but should is never good for me so I'm waiting for an impulse of 'Now! / Today!' Maybe that impulse won't come for months and then that would be OK. It really is OK when certain things don't get done. I also write a daily list of Reasonable Expectations, I write the evening before as often as possible which is helpful for even getting up in the morning. 'Reasonable Expectations' help me not overload the list and also follow my healthy impulses. Again it's always good for me to tick those things that I manage - in green, works far better than whatever colour I use to write the list. As I write that, I realise that using green because it helps, is also being mindful     And changing the way I do my lists is also being mindful of what I need now, since my needs change and/or what's beneficial for me changes. Some old Tools don't work much anymore if at all.

Changing my lists is also Forging New Paths

Kudos to me    

[Armee]

This was really helpful for me to read Blueberry. Thanks for writing this out in detail. It gives me ideas for myself.

[natureluvr]

Blueberry said " think what's going on atm is that I'm being mindful. I have ideas of what I'd like to do, impulses, but I'm better able to briefly stop and feel: Is that a correct action for me today or even rn? Or am I jumping the gun and that particular action might be better tomorrow after all?" 

I think this is excellent, that you are being more mindful and intentional in your actions. I also have a tendency to jump from one thing to another myself, so this gives me food for thought.

[Blueberry]

This was really helpful for me to read Blueberry. Thanks for writing this out in detail. It gives me ideas for myself.

Thanks for that Armee! It helps me to know that my long posts and detailed descriptions   can aid others as well.

Thanks for your feedback too natureluvr

Just for the record and as much for myself as anybody else, being more mindful was not a conscious decision or even a goal, it's just one of these things that evolves in recovery because   the time is right / enough other things have healed and resolve for this development to take place or something like that or something else.

NTS: when you're really down and listless and no energy and can't remember any of your goals and even being reminded of them doesn't help, there is probably something working away in your subconscious and a breakthrough is going to come when the time is right

[Blueberry]

NTS: when you're really down and listless and no energy and can't remember any of your goals and even being reminded of them doesn't help, there is probably something working away in your subconscious and a breakthrough is going to come when the time is right

Helpful to read today.
Didn't get up till late.
Want to go back to bed and may even do so.

[Blueberry]

I'm writing this post for myself and I think it's better I don't get feedback on this particular one because some of what will probably come out is stuff that plenty of mbrs disagree with, I think.

NTS: when you're really down and listless and no energy and can't remember any of your goals and even being reminded of them doesn't help, there is probably something working away in your subconscious and a breakthrough is going to come when the time is right

I'm pretty down today and haven't done much except eat raw carrots, drink chocolate/cappuccino mix and have just had a bowl of yoghurt and oatflakes, which is healthy enough, except I added a bunch of sugar, which is not. And then lie in bed and read/doze. I wrote a list last night but haven't followed it at all. Part of me thinks the above quote (NTS) is possible. Another part of me thinks I really should get my act together otherwise I'll be spending my life in bed reading and dozing and I feel partially shame about that and then cognitively I also know it's not the best. But there's a HUGE part in me atm that says I DON'T CARE!!! That bit needs to be expressed. I feel sad. I remember now there's often 'something else' beneath the want to give up or beneath self-destructive or angry feelings. My worry is that I'm going steadily downhill, ingraining more and more depressive and give-up behaviour even though sometimes a breakthrough does come, like automatically being more mindful, but I need to work more at the breakthroughs to make them last. Need, must, should - none of that works for me though. I don't think it's going to be helpful for me to hear/read other mbrs agreeing with my worry in this para, which would be agreeing with need, must, should.

[Larry]

  thinking of you....

[Blueberry]

Thank you Larry! Thanks also for sending sunshine. It's sunny here today though that wasn't part of the weather forecast.

[Armee]

 

[Hope67]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee and Hope.

I talked to a friend irl yesterday and it helped. At least I bothered getting up this morning and have managed the shower and hairwash hurdle.