Blue's blues

[blue_sky]

YAY page 2 of my recovery journal!! 
2^nd "Emotion Regulation" group therapy was on Monday.
I think all 10 of us are getting slightly more comfortable with each other and speaking up.

We were all given one lemon each and we had to observe, feel, smell, touch the lemon as we practised mindfulness.
Who knew there were such cooler ways to practise mindfulness? (well I didn't at least  )

Then we were asked to put the lemons back in the bowl and after 10 minutes were asked to grab "our" lemons.
And amazingly, all 10 of us found "our" lemons. It was so cool that I "knew" what my lemon looked like and felt like. Loved that feeling!

We also learned WHAT skills and HOW skills of mindfulness.
Under WHAT skills, there's observing, describing and participating.
Under HOW skills, there's non-judgementally, one-mindfully and effectively.


Other than that, life is sailing by. Dreading diwali. And I have final exams next two weeks   

[blue_sky]

Note to self: I want you to remember this day, this feeling, this proud and amazing feeling after session with T today.

Also gonna be a long post

A bit of backstory is I had a nightmare. My sibling aka perpetrator was also there. I was forced to dress in revealing, uncomfortable dress. He attacked/ abused me. There were some scary prisoners and we were prison guards (or something like that, my dreams are bizarre but very intense). I get shot by him and I am told it was just a game and that I'm out of the game now. I beg him to let me play again because I didn't know it was a game. And then I tell him "You can do whatever you did to me earlier but please let me play once again".

I woke up abruptly when H walked into the room and as I had to drop him to the station, I got up and turned autopilot mode on and didn't get a chance to process.

Luckily I had an appointment with my T this morning so I started thinking about how I was feeling while in the waiting room. There was so much shame in me and my inner critic was going "how could you offer yourself to him like that? That is disgusting"

While processing with T, I started understanding and thinking "Hold on, this pattern started from the sibling and cousin when they gave me chocolates, lollies etc. Almost like rewarding me. It started with them grooming me to make me believe that something I did must be right so I'm getting rewarded for it"

Inner critic would say "But that was little Blue, she didn't know what was happening. In the nightmare, it was adult Blue, it's different. And teenage Blue has done this in the past remember??"

So this particular memory I had never talked about to anybody before because I was utterly ashamed about it.

[TW: (C)SA]

I was 17. He was abroad studying. I wanted a new phone as I was using M's old one, one of those Nokia ones that doesn't have access to internet.
FOO must've told him about it when talking to him. He told them "Oh don't worry, I can send a really good one for cheap price from here with my so-and-so friend who is coming there soon". I had a strange feeling. He had never been nice to me for "free". Every time he would be nice to me, I had to "pay the price" by letting him "do it". Or he would blackmail beforehand that he would do so-and-so but I would have to let him "do it".

This time, while living oceans away, he says "You need to send me photos of yourself without any clothes on". I couldn't turn to my parents as they didn't know anything about CSA. I couldn't turn to my husband (bf back then) as he was also abroad and he was the main reason I needed the phone. And my parents didn't know about our relationship back then and had already broken up my previous relationship with another guy so I was stuck from all sides.

I complied and sent him photos     
The reply was something like "Oh I didn't think you'd comply but look at you.. blah blah.." and was complimenting my photos which made me feel even more disgusted at myself.

[End TW]

As I was crying my eyes out, T calmly said "that is gaslighting and grooming right there". I had heard of grooming before but it was the first time I heard of gaslighting.
I didn't realise that, by saying "oh you complied", he was trying to put the blame on me. Almost like saying "I didn't make you do it, you wanted it"
He misused the situation (like he had done hundreds of times in the past) to gain what he needed.

T also asked me to ask my inner critic, self-compassion and wise mind "Who needs to feel the shame and who is in the wrong?"

Oh that feeling! Little, teenage and adult Blue, don't ever forget that warm, relaxed, validated feeling. 

I don't need to feel the shame. He should feel the shame. He is/was in the wrong.

I imagined taking off all the shame from my body and crumpling it into a ball of wet tissue and threw it at him, smacked it at him. The wet ball of tissue(shame) got stuck on him.

I am not wrong. I don't need to feel the shame. 

[Armee]

 

Nope. NONE of the shame belongs to you. 

[blue_sky]

3rd Emotion Regulation class yesterday.

I am starting to like the group class. I actually feel sad that it's already Session 3 and we only have 5 more to go.
Having these sessions on Monday has helped me with not getting Mondayitis. And I have also realised that I don't feel as anxious on Sunday evenings because I look forward to the class and learning new skills.

Yesterday we started the class by practising mindfulness. The class as a group, came up with animal names beginning from each letter of the alphabet; starting from A to Z. And BOY "X" was hard! I said "X-mas Reindeer?" and made the whole class laugh, was slightly embarrassed.

We also learned about chain analysis, discussed previous week's skills practice (we renamed "Homework" as skills practice as it sounded better).

Towards the end we learned about naming our emotions, naming what it feels like in our body when we feel those emotions, and working out what the purpose was of that emotion.

Looking forward to practicing these skills over the week. But final exams on Thursday  I hate exams. Why can't we just learn & learn more? Why the need to test us?   

[NarcKiddo]

Those classes sound great. I am just catching up on your latest journal entries, and I loved the lemons episode. I am glad everyone found their own lemon.

I'm curious about the concept of exams for such a class, though. I'd like to hear more about how that even works; only if you want to tell, of course.

And you are right. The shame is NOT yours to carry and never was. I'm glad you are starting to get rid of it. 

[blue_sky]

Oh the exams are not for Emotion Regulation class, that would be so funny though lol.

I am doing undergraduate degree in Psychology. Initially when I left my home country, I had to study something else because my strict father was partially funding my education and I had to follow his rules otherwise he wouldn't help me pay the uni.
I didn't really enjoy it much.

I have been in therapy on/off since 2016 and around 2017/18, I started feeling like I want to do this too. I want to be able to help others like me in the same way how my amazing therapists have been there for me. So I got into thinking about studying psychology and it was like an answer for the dreaded "where do you see yourself in 10yrs time" question.

I thought about joining uni for a while, worried about finances and what if I didn't like the subject, what if I'm triggered, etc. Started by taking just 1 subject per semester in 2021 and 2022. This year I took 2 subjects for first semester and I'm doing 2 subjects currently. So final exams is about the psychology degree.

It is quite triggering at times, but it is also so much exciting for me to know what causes these emotions/reactions/events that we go through and how we can help someone.

Exams however are a huge deal for me. My inner critic is on high alert, I feel judged, I feel incompetent, too much negative energy....

[Larry]

Hi blue sky,  emotional regulation class sounds helpful,  try not to stress about your exams,  i will be thinking of you....

[NarcKiddo]

Oh the exams are not for Emotion Regulation class, that would be so funny though lol.

Ha ha! Silly me. Exams are so stressful, though. Wishing you all the best.

[Blueberry]

I'm a bit late reading here blue_Sky, but none of that shame belongs to you. NONE.   



Skills practice instead of homework sounds great to me!

[blue_sky]

Thank you so much Armee, NK, Larry and Blueberry for celebrating with me  My exams are over too so I have been trying to enjoy these stress-free moments while they last.

4th Emotion Regulation group was last Monday.
We started with musical mindfulness where we listened to an instrumental song and tried to stay focused in the song, trying to notice different instruments, notes etc
Little Blue wanted to dance and was swaying in the chair 

We learned about opposite action. When you're angry and want to shout at the other person, instead choosing opposite action to stay quiet so the issue doesn't escalate.

I guess it makes sense when we think about anger as an emotion but I couldn't agree opposite action on everything. If someone hit me, I don't think I'd want to choose opposite action and stay quiet (although my reflex would make me freeze and not be able to defend myself). I don't know.. I haven't thought about those things too much.

We were also given a loooonnngg list of simple, positive, nice things that we could do to. We were supposed to plan one activity per day and journal if we did it or not.
Because of the exams and the dreaded Diwali festival, I couldn't complete this week's homework (aka Skills Practice). I feel a tad bit guilty about that.

Blue's Independence Day - Year II

Last Wednesday was officially 2 years since I have been NC with the abuser sibling. Me and my friend celebrated my Independence Day.
We went for a nice manicure/pedicure, went shopping for sometime, went to a mosaic art class, played some arcade games, won prizes, had Malaysian dinner.
I think I managed to have a pretty good day although there was a turmoil of different thoughts and feelings inside my head.

[Armee]

Happy independence, BlueSky. You deserve that.

I've had good luck with opposite action though I agree with you that in the case of standing up for yourself and setting boundaries that I don't like the idea of that at all.

The way I used it was when I would be in emotional flashbacks and feeling like I was not good enough I would destroy myself by like getting up at 3 am to scrub the bathrooms, do laundry, make a nice breakfast for everyone etc. In the meantime I was exhausting myself and not doing enough would turn into doing too much and being overwhelmed and then that would turn into not doing enough and it was a bad cycle. Opposite action required me to when I felt a compulsion to do something like scrub the toilets to make myself feel like I was worthwhile, I had to just stop where ever I was an sit down and do nothing. On the other hand if my compulsion was to lay in bed and do nothing it would have requires me to get up and do something. Eventually this helped break that cycle of working myself to the bone to not feel worthless and helped me realize I don't need to do all those things to be worthy to my husband and kids. It was really helpful. One of the first successes I had in therapy actually. Or if I felt compelled to lock myself in the bathroom to dissociate I was supposed to go sit next to my husband instead etc.

I hope that's helpful to give those examples.

[blue_sky]

Last week I couldn't write about the 5th Emotion Regulation Class. Too much going on in my head.

Yesterday was the 6th week. There are only 2 more classes to go and I feel so sad.
Yesterday we got to learn from a Therapy Dog. She was the first therapy dog I had ever met. She was lovely and so patient with all of us.

We learnt a bit about distress tolerance, about hyper-arousal, hypo-arousal and optimal zone. Then we tried to use our senses to be mindful and notice different elements.

I thought I was feeling better with Diwali and exams over and things feeling better in therapy. But now it seems like that was me hallucinating.
And that I am back to my old, sad, Blue. I don't enjoy work, it reminds me of the fact that I did not study this because I wanted to, I had to study this because otherwise F wouldn't have let me leave the horror house.
When I'm at work - I am miserable.
When boss wants us to reduce hours because work is slow - I feel unwanted and unvalued.
When I'm trying to update resume and apply for other jobs - I feel so basic and un-talented, like there's nothing special about me.
When I don't hear back from recruiters and jobs I applied to - I feel stressed and lost.

Why does it hurt this much? I know I am okay, I know I am safe, physically and financially too for at least a good couple of months.
But still I am hypervigilant all the time. I feel like I'm sitting idly but inside my body it's like I'm trembling and just can't stop.
Why is it so difficult to look at the brighter things in life? Why is it that past traumas act as an anchor for us and pull us right back when we trying to surface up?

    

[NarcKiddo]

It's a tough time of year for all of us, it seems. And all the more for you with the exams and Diwali. I think sometimes we can overlook how the stress of anticipating these things can mean we feel very deflated when they're past rather than happy they are over. I think you have done really well and maybe you just need to be kind to yourself for a while as you get back to equilibrium.

I know you didn't want to study what has led to your current job. But could you maybe study what you originally wanted to? Even just something part time or for fun could be fulfilling and you might find it leads you to other things. I've spent my entire working life in a career I only chose because it was acceptable to my parents and I could do it well enough. I can't say it has been bad, particularly, but I have a strong sense of wasted talent now, with no scope to move to another field. You're young enough to have time on your side to try new things. You are special and you have talents. When we are squashed so thoroughly as children we cannot learn where our talents and interests lie. So I think you have some exploring to do. It may be necessary for you to apply for jobs that are not ideal right now, because we all have to pay to live, but making room for growth into new areas seems like something worth trying.

 

[Armee]

Ah BlueSky. All so well said and so poignant. It's not fair that even after we escape the situation the trauma still grabs at us. It'll take some time of being safe to be able to process through and recover from the horrors of what you went through. All I can say is imagine someone else you care about having gone through the same things you were put through and what you would feel toward them when they were still struggling to move past it all. 

Hon it's not just a one time trauma it was nearly constant. You've not been free from it for very long. It takes time to heal. But it'll happen slowly and steadily now that you are safe.

And there's nothing basic about you. You are a survivor. In your field that is going to be a huge strength. You have super powers from what you've gone through and you have super powers you were born with that set you apart from everyone else on the planet. I understand what you are feeling and it keeps me from feeling qualified to do even the most mundane job. But I know objectively...you have a ton to offer. 

[blue_sky]

Thank you NK and Armee for the hugs and kind and wise words.

My morning started with a smile after reading your replies.

NK I am doing Bachelors Degree for a 2nd time, this time in a field that I have been so passionate about and it's so close to my heart... Psychology.
But it's gonna be a long way as I am doing it part-time and it's a lengthy procedure to become an accredited clinical psychologist.

Hon it's not just a one time trauma it was nearly constant. You've not been free from it for very long. It takes time to heal. But it'll happen slowly and steadily now that you are safe.

Thank you for the reminder Armee. You are right, It's been only two years since I have been NC with the sibling. And I still hear his name or see his photos in family conversations here and there. It's so difficult to be self-compassionate that we just have to keep reminding ourselves to love ourselves.