The childhood self.

[Kizzie]

I understand BB and I'm sorry as I know how difficult that is.  Big warm hug if that's OK.   

You have a virtual family here and when I start up the Zoom group #2 again it may feel like you have a group of people in your corner. Posting is great but seeing others and talking back and forth adds another level I'm personally really enjoying.  I plan to restart the group after the holidays so I will be in touch with everyone. 

[Kizzie]

Sorry Bermuda, we seem to have hijacked your thread so I just wanted to bring it back to what your original post is about - not feeling like you have an inner child. 

I wonder if anyone else who hasn't posted yet has this issue as well? 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Kizzie, big warm virtual hugs are great. Maybe things will feel better when ZG2 re-starts or maybe it's just pain I kind of need to go through? Pain that ultimately heals?

Anyway, enough on that, as you suggest, it's time we end the hijack and get back to Bermuda's question.

Bermuda, your original para that I'm wanting to respond to: People are always talking about serving their inner child, and doing child work, appealing to their inner child, and things like that. Of all the CPTSD concepts, that one I find the most difficult to understand and relate to. I understand emotional flashbacks, and maybe sometimes I can attach them to an incident, but not childhood as a concept, or to a child as a conceptual person. I understand if you are not following. It's perhaps that my sense of self was already so silenced, that I can't look back on a person with childhood wants and needs.

These are my thoughts and some experience, which may be helpful. 

afaik the term 'inner child' can mean different things depending on who is using it, just to confuse the issue. I have heard/read that the Inner Child is your creative, playful self. That's one theory anyway. If you have DID, P-DID or OSDD (as I do) you probably have inner children (or will have several some time) and maybe they have a different function than when you just have one inner child?

A good few years back I did several trauma-informed healing retreats on the Inner Child per year. Very lucky me, I was in the right place at the right time with the right therapists who developed this methodology together. Their aim was often finding and developing/reinforcing the strengths of your IC or ICs, or rather allowing you to do so. For me, that was absolutely necessary before being able to even peek at ICs containing trauma, hurt, fear...

A lot of their ways involved creativity of some sort, especially ways children might like - colouring, music - dancing around / moving and even children's games! One of the therapists read stories to us in the evening, which were good because they gave us a feel for how more or less emotionally healthy children might react. We often did pair or small group work in which one person explored while the others supported. I remember once I felt that my IC wanted to dance around in a circle with others so we did that briefly till my body was very tired and then I lay down for a rest while the other two supported me by simply being there, watching over me so to speak. This was very intensive therapy, with a group dynamic which is generally not something you can replicate on your own at home. I would say it gave me more of a sense of what a pain or sudden physical tiredness might be signalling to me and what to do about it (e.g. allow my physical body and the Child Within to lie down and rest). With practice and I suppose mindfulness (though we didn't use the word back then), I learnt to feel if an IC was intimating something to me or if it was my Adult self and if it was an IC, what did the IC need. For a long time my ICs just wanted to be babies and small children and be acknowledged as people worthy of existing and being accepted. Sometimes my stuffie acted out what my small IC wanted to do (e.g. somersaults) and I remember once a T saying: "What a cute little Inner Child you have!" which was very healing but not something I could have directed towards my own IC. It goes without saying that that is not what I heard or absorbed in FOO, but instead of going back into that particular dreadful early childhood trauma, I / my ICs were able to absorb from the group and the Ts. We learnt to switch between IC and Adult of Today pretty fast because of course you can't spend your whole time even at a retreat in your IC! In later retreats, my needier Inners started appearing and it was a godsend that there was a healthy supportive group dynamic and 2 therapists who could do this work...
Just drifted off while writing, so I'll add: this was really intensive, difficult therapy! Before I was ever in these healing retreats, I couldn't access ICs in this kind of way at all. EFs, amygdala hijack, feeling like a sad 7yo on and off for 6 weeks in my first inpatient stay - I knew and felt it all. I remember in my first inpatient stay there was a brief meditation exercise to reach your IC. What came instead for me was an Inner Abuser   but by then I was able to switch off immediately and not go further. The therapist said that yes, it was obviously too early in my healing journey to contact an IC. So that's something I want to say here - for those who don't have a concept of an inner child, it could simply be too early or as yet too difficult, too traumatic to tap into that. Maybe a different form of healing is better for you

I know that there are workbooks on working with your IC which suggest writing and/or answering a list of questions with your non-dominant hand. That didn't work for me, so I'm going to list other ways I or others I know of have successfully used. Some methods go deeper than others:
                 Hold a stuffie (not necessarily your childhood stuffie!), talk to and care for your stuffie; and/or the same with a pet; look at children's picture books or read children's lit or listen to recordings of it; roam around the children's section of a bookshop or library; look at photos of yourself as a child, maybe show them to a 'safe' person who can help you see how precious Little you was (and is); colouring in esp. children's colouring books; finger-painting; listen to children's music (I more or less unashamedly listen to children's nursery rhymes and lullabies and when I end up listening to one particular song on a loop, it's obvious to me that I'm nurturing a pretty small IC). Some people are helped by engaging with their own or other people's children, but try and make sure your IC gets at least some alone time with you.
One thing my inpatient trauma T emphasises is: where possible, do it slowly and involve your body as much as possible. Obviously if 'slow' triggers you, then adjust to what you can handle. Also, your encounter with your IC doesn't have to be hours long, talking to (and listening to   ) your stuffie might be over in 3 mindful minutes.

Also, if you draw a total blank on healthy child development or good parenting skills, read up on it. This helped me with my Inner 11-12 year olds because I had no idea how to approach that age group or how my parents could have done it better - I just knew that how they'd done it had been destructive but I was      on how to do it otherwise.

Now that this whole thread has been moved to Inner Child Work may I reiterate that there's lots of good stuff on this board, e.g. threads with subjects like I hate my IC / I'm frightened of my IC / Fear of IC Work / Difficulties Connecting with IC. imo and ime it really is worth checking old, old posts on here, like on p. 4-5 on this thread. 

[Blueberry]

Another method which has been used with me is based on Family Constellation work https://www.hellinger.com/en/family-constellation/ though it's not something I'd recommend w/o a trauma-informed T or similar well-versed in that kind of method. The therapists I did it with were at these healing retreats and they'd adapted Hellinger's work somewhat. Hellinger himself turned into a sort of guru iirc and got a bit of a bad name especially when some therapists using this method to pinpoint the exact type of abuse in people's traumatic pasts... which wasn't the point of the exercise at all.

Anyway, I discovered I've already written about this on https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13600.msg103252#msg103252 : "There are methods for working with these kinds of Parts that go easier on you e.g. constellation work (at least I think that's what it is called in English). You can set up some symbols on a table: stones or stuffed animals or any objects you want to use to represent yourself and the Part and any other parts that turn up. If your T knows how to work with that kind of setup or can learn it from a colleague or a course, then that's a possibility. I wouldn't suggest trying it on your own the first time."

It's a bit like the Empty Chair Technique which is a form of Gestalt therapy and you can google. Theoretically you can probably even put a symbol of your IC on the Empty Chair - but always with a note of caution - end immediately if there's even a hint of an intrusive memory!!

[Blueberry]

One more thing - I knew there was something else! - smaller children learn via their bodies more than adults do. A lot of us learned Bad Stuff via their bodies like fear and worse but doing stuff with your hands like dabbling in water or letting sand run through your fingers so long as it feels good (or at least not bad) and maybe is even fun (!), can help you reach an IC. If you have no idea how, watching children including your own might help (but unfortunately could also be triggering ).

So here's hoping in among my long and convoluted posts on this thread there might be some help or inspiration for you Bermuda and others.

[Bermuda]

Oof. I have tried to reply to some of the posts, but it's been a bit triggering, and in general I've been quite triggered lately, and maybe it is my inner C/Cs. I'll start at the beginning. I relate a lot to what Kizzie is talking about, but I went through those emotions when I was homeless, and thinking about them now makes me think about how I felt then,  and especially with it being mid-December. That was the hardest time, and my birthday is New Years, so... It's all very triggering, and I have been perhaps avoiding replying because I don't want to take away from her experience, because I remember in a very raw way, that feeling, and I don't want to feel it either.

This kind of brings me around to maybe I do have ICs. I have been so triggered lately, in a deep childish emotional way, but I don't talk about those feelings because I know they are not fair to anyone else, and that it's me. I know what the appropriate response is to situations that make me feel this way are, but I can't do those things. The thought of addressing things makes me feel panicky. Standing up feels like outing myself. What I feel is a very childish defensiveness, and what I do with that feeling is hide, run, conceal it. Obviously, this makes sense for me, that I want to completely detach and isolate, but I am trying my best not to do that this time. It's quite the internal struggle right now. I know it reads publicly as passive-aggressiveness, resentment.... It's not. I'm sorry. ...But that's what I am avoiding replying. I don't feel upset that this post has spread. I just feel upset.

So, I guess I probably do have ICs, and I find them triggering, and I find childishness a weakness. I am triggered by my inner children. That's probably how that is. Avoidance in all its glory. So much so that I can't even acknowledge it exists.

The writing suggestion was such a triggering suggestion I cried at the thought. It could surely be helpful if I felt capable. That's pretty telling. My post about shopping for my daughter for Christmas was also tellling. Dolls trigger me, because the child is triggered, and I hide to protect myself from exploitation of my feelings... But that's not really my reality anymore.

....And the negative of not just completely running away from this forum and its groups, means you have to put up with my childish non-sense.

[Armee]

Bermuda, your posts are always and I do mean always helpful and never nonsense. We are all glad you are here.

It makes lots of sense to me that getting in touch with or nurturing or communicating with your inner child is devastatingly triggering because they hold so much of the trauma and you aren't yet ready to go there. I'm barely ready as well and that is with a fraction of the trauma and 5 years with a good therapist. 

Perhaps right now you can manage a small step which is when you feel like running or hiding just think of a small child feeling those things and have a short little internal talk like you would if it were your own children feeling scared and wanting to run and hide. That would be a huge step and I know you have the maternal instinct to pull this off because you are a fantastic mom. Maybe keep it really really short and simple so your brain doesn't have time to turn to the memories behind the behavior. Just something short and reassuring that you understand they feel scared but you can keep them safe just like you do your own children.

Or not. That's OK. Like I said I can barely do that and really only with my Ts coaching in the moment. Like I'm not really even saying those things he is and I am listening because I dissociate too quickly to do it. One day you'll be ready. I feel confident in that because you may not like to hear it but you are incredibly strong and resilient. Just trust yourself...when the time is right you'll go there. Whatever you are doing right now is probably the right healing thing.

I hope not much of this is too triggering.

[Bermuda]

On the topic of childhood self, but on a more personal level.

I was talking to another forum member about this thought I had, and I kind of want to share it, and maybe elaborate on the thought now that I am slightly calmer, coherent.

I have watched a lot of videos in the past (not related to myself) that visually demonstrate the effects of child abuse and neglect on infants and young children. These studies are always quite clear and use either children who were removed from their homes, or children who came from institutions. They show how the children interact with their physical world, or rather greatly limit their interaction.

All of these studies are generally the same. An abused child is sat down in a new environment. They are given an object to play with. They look at it with concern, and then look to the adult in the room nervously. The object becomes a source of discomfort for the child. They look around seemingly trying to read the expectation of them. The most severe cases, the children will not even look at the object. There is no curiosity. Some scenarios involve an emotive adult, to demonstrate again how a child will completely disengage emotional responses to read the room and not engage in their space at all. They don't crawl toward items they want, nor do they cry or reach out at all. Where as a typically developing child may cry at the sound of a harsh tone, the abused child may not react at all. Anyway, maybe you have also seem some of these very old studies.

Only now am I able to see myself, a grown adult, in this pattern of behaviour. It goes beyond the dissociation, or looking to others for regulation, but also the vigilence, and how I learned to emote. So my childhood self could not express emotion, and did not. I don't explore my space still. I am aware of it, but if you ask me if it has changed, I can't pinpoint what. It's odd. When my husband is moving around, I instinctually go somewhere away to sit quietly. I don't want to disturb him. These things that are observable in infants, exist in me too.

My childhood self was just as aloof as I am now. I struggle so much with my identity. All of those parts feel like logical responses rather than emotional moments I felt, because I was already trying to rationalise the problem away, or avoid it entirely. "I had it coming. You can't be sad over something you did to yourself." or look at the speckles on the ceiling, count them.

When I think of my childhood emotions, the reactions I remember feelings were typically injustice, betrayal, and confusion. There were no outbursts, just kicks to my beliefs. As much as I knew things would always be that way, it still felt like blunt force betrayal. I tried to protect myself from that. It's only personal if you take it personally, because you have a choice to simply take it instead, and that's what I did.
 
There were no big emotions, just objects to tally. It's like I wasn't even there. I was nothing more than the notches in the wall, 66cm demarking nothing.

[Blueberry]

Bermuda, I second Armee's post. Please don't run away from here! I mean, if you feel you have to, then that's how you feel, but I personally like you and appreciate your posts.

I'd like to send you some big virtual hugs if that's safe for you, if not ignore.

It's really OK that a step in healing is too early! That doesn't make you defective or anything. imo it just speaks to the amount of early childhood trauma you carry. It's the same for me unfortunately. So you're not alone.

[NarcKiddo]

"There is no curiosity."

That resonates with me very much indeed. My mother hates to be questioned. I learned from an early age to be told what was what. Asking for clarification was unwise. I would observe everything keenly so I could copy behaviours if asked to help with chores. My educational performance was fine until mid teens. Up to then there was pretty much always a "right" answer. I could learn what that was. Once they started to expect independent exploration and curiosity I was sunk.

Unlike you, I notice every single thing about my space. If something has been changed or moved, I notice. I don't necessarily do anything with the information and I am not sure why I am so hyper vigilant about that.

[Bermuda]

That's interesting NK. Unrelated to the thread but I get the impression that my mind is everywhere and no where. I have so hyperaware, but maybe it's simply that a can't question or taking ownership of a situation. I swear the walls would be a different shade and I would be unlikely to say something, even if I had noticed. Maybe they were always like that? There was a box in my hallway, and I asked my husband about it, and he said he put in there 2,5 months ago. I don't notice disorder until it becomes a sensority overload, or a tripping hazard, or I am looking for something. When I hired my housekeeper several years ago, I told her I was specifically looking for someone who naturally noticed things that could improve and can simply clean and reorganise things with self-initiative. That sounds normal, but it is a huge deal for me. I don't notice "flaws".  I have extremely minimal facial recognition, so when it comes to changes with people, I don't notice at all. I recognise people by their voices and mannerisms. These aren't just quirks of mine, they're very noticable embarassing things. I would like to know more about that.

Until then, I won't be complimenting anyone on their new jacket, because they have probably worn it every day for the whole time I have known them. The question I always have, how do I explain that?

Don't worry, I won't run away. I am far too committed to these groups, and to "the project". I've never felt so committed to anything before. My inner little human/s, who I am now visualising as a pack of dried mushrooms, are a lot calmer today. I haven't much to say on that.

[Blueberry]

Don't worry, I won't run away. I am far too committed to these groups, and to "the project". I've never felt so committed to anything before.

  

My inner little human/s, who I am now visualising as a pack of dried mushrooms, are a lot calmer today.

A warm welcome to your little human/s here on OOTS

Also unrelated to the thread but I can resonate with having a mind everywhere and nowhere.