Hello everyone

[colicmel]

Hello,new here not really sure what to say, socializing has never been my strong point, people are confusing.
When I first read about the inner child, so much made sense, now I know why I've always felt like a small child in a grown body with a grown life. It explains the fear and bewilderment.
Dissociation has been the bane of my existence, lifelong and a problem I'm really just tired of dealing with. I've found some ways to heal from this so hopefully...
Anyways I'm tired of the past and my focus is on healing from it, usually I get discouraged for lack of support though, my friends try but often they themselves seem confused and at a loss for words so I don't really talk to them about anything relating to my childhood or the effects from it
It's an uncomfortable topic.
Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading if you made it this far:)

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome.

It feels hard enough for us, the survivors, to understand the myriad of issues we are faced with so I guess it is no surprise that friends get confused. Doesn't make it any easier to handle, though.

Hope you benefit from and enjoy this forum. I certainly have and do.

[Larry]

Hi Colicmel,  welcome 

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Hi colicmel. C-PTSD is not so well known so don't be too hard on yourself. I wish you a good stay on the forum and hopefully you find what you're looking for (or if you just want to connect, that's totally fine as well). 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Colicmel  Totally get being tired of your past and needing a break from it.  It's hard to always be focused on the dark stuff from the past so hope you can find some positives here.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum colicmel

Your post isn't long at all, I read it all.

I hope you can feel the support here on the forum and that that helps suppport you a little in real life. 

[colicmel]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome i appreciate your taking the time to read and reply. Something happened recently that would have normally sent me over the edge in a dysregulated,  emotional state. I was able to handle it and keep it together. The emotions are usually so intense, it's strange to feel not intense.
I've been practicing not dissociating and it feels weird, to be conscious and connected, like I don't belong in my body. Which seems ironic, but the best explanation.
Idk, does anyone know if it's normal to feel so odd, so unsure of how to even feel?
 

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Not a professional, though from what I've learned from trauma experts (the likes of Bessel van der Kolk etc.), is that trauma is a state of disconnection. I wouldn't be surprised to feel odd if you've had a long history of living in a dissociated state. Befriending your body takes time for the neural circuits to be rewired and thus to reach embodiment. What activities are you doing in order to befriend your body and move through that overwhelm?

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome i appreciate your taking the time to read and reply. Something happened recently that would have normally sent me over the edge in a dysregulated,  emotional state. I was able to handle it and keep it together. The emotions are usually so intense, it's strange to feel not intense.
I've been practicing not dissociating and it feels weird, to be conscious and connected, like I don't belong in my body. Which seems ironic, but the best explanation.
Idk, does anyone know if it's normal to feel so odd, so unsure of how to even feel?
 

I can relate. I realised recently that I dissociate much more than I thought, and I have been actively trying to stop doing it so much. Mostly because I'm having various medical issues at the moment. I would normally dissociate my way through but as an adult I have discovered medics have an irritating habit of asking you questions so I have to be at least sort of present in case they need to know something. That feels weird to me. If I can just get onto what I think of as my railroad tracks and roll forwards with my learned behaviours I feel normal.

Tofu is right about it taking time to build new neural circuits. One thing that helped me befriend my body was getting into exercise, specifically boxing and heavy weight lifting. Because there is so much technique and it can be a bit dangerous if you get it wrong it forced me to pay close attention to what my body was telling me. I imagine something like yoga would have similar benefits.

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the forum Colicmel,

I'm sorry that your life has led you through the dissociative state, but I'm very glad you found this forum, and any other help you are participating in.

My dissociative state has always been my trademark: They called me a daydreamer. But it was far worse than daydreaming. I too work on keeping myself Not dissociated. I blacked out in school as a child, not remembering hours of lost time. I'd wake up in class completely unaware of the last 2 hours. I passed 1-8th grade with straight D and F grades. I figure they would have held me back a grade here and there if they weren't more focused on being afraid of losing my parents' tuition money by making them angry that I'd been held back.

I once had a beautiful singing voice, but couldn't sing publicly because I'd dissociate mid-song and forget all the words. As a youngster, I was stronger than the average boy, but when it came to competitive sports, I couldn't catch or kick or throw a ball because I'd dissociate completely seconds before making contact with the ball. It would vanish right before my eyes and I'd miss making contact

I just wanted to share with you that you are in good company with others who have had to pursue treatment for C-PTSD because of dissociation (Among a lot of other symptoms).

The friendship and compassion on this forum has been a positive force in my life. I'm getting better slowly, and a lot of is because I don't feel so alone with my symptoms anymore.

I sincerely hope you find some of that friendship on this forum as well. I'm glad you found us.

Welcome.

[colicmel]

Not a professional, though from what I've learned from trauma experts (the likes of Bessel van der Kolk etc.), is that trauma is a state of disconnection. I wouldn't be surprised to feel odd if you've had a long history of living in a dissociated state. Befriending your body takes time for the neural circuits to be rewired and thus to reach embodiment. What activities are you doing in order to befriend your body and move through that overwhelm?

The things I am doing are practicing conscious awareness, meditation, journaling to my inner child, journaling in general, breathwork, and getting my thoughts back into order when they start veering off into the deep unknown.

The journaling I do every morning, the rest is small moments throughout the day whenever I realize the need. Meditation is very hard for me so quieting my mind for a few minutes during the day works better than one longer time period.

To help with the intense emotional reactions I'm working on thinking first, then feeling based on my conclusions, for example, a p-doc recently told me that the best place for me was in the system with access to a hospital. In the past I would have completely melted at that, my thought process would lead me to "I will never get better, its hopeless" etc. and at first it was like that, but I managed to say "it's one opinion based on a three minute conversation, it means nothing" and started to think about all the things I am doing and how they do help because I feel better when doing them, its proven the brain can heal, so mine can too. then I made a snack for my co workers and sat with them and intentionally connected with them, when it came back into my head, I just vanquished it. My feelings about what he said are nothing, and there is a lot of anxiety about that. So maybe I'm doing wrong.

Thanks for responding, I like what you said about neural circuits, its a good way to put it, for me the dissociation has been life long so it makes sense this will take a long time.
 

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

I'm glad I could help, colicmel. And sorry to hear you had invalidating experiences with the p-doc. Celebrate what you're doing well and it does seem you're putting habits in place that are healthy.

One thing I'd like to challenge you over is doing these habits even when we don't need to. That's when we build capacity for when life takes a turn. Personally, I've used an app called Fabulous (only for the free trial, though the habits remain and the app reminds you of them even when the trial expired) in order to ensure I get reminded to do the habits every day. Like you said, doing them in small increments benefits our nervous system from getting overwhelmed. Would you be willing to give it a shot? Doesn't necessarily have to be the app, it could be just a calendar reminder or a friend keeping you accountable - it's more of getting that budget in and making sure we fill our cup. If it's too overwhelming that's ok. You don't need to proceed with it. Just do what's comfortable for you.

[colicmel]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome i appreciate your taking the time to read and reply. Something happened recently that would have normally sent me over the edge in a dysregulated,  emotional state. I was able to handle it and keep it together. The emotions are usually so intense, it's strange to feel not intense.
I've been practicing not dissociating and it feels weird, to be conscious and connected, like I don't belong in my body. Which seems ironic, but the best explanation.
Idk, does anyone know if it's normal to feel so odd, so unsure of how to even feel?
 

I can relate. I realised recently that I dissociate much more than I thought, and I have been actively trying to stop doing it so much. Mostly because I'm having various medical issues at the moment. I would normally dissociate my way through but as an adult I have discovered medics have an irritating habit of asking you questions so I have to be at least sort of present in case they need to know something. That feels weird to me. If I can just get onto what I think of as my railroad tracks and roll forwards with my learned behaviors I feel normal.

Tofu is right about it taking time to build new neural circuits. One thing that helped me befriend my body was getting into exercise, specifically boxing and heavy weight lifting. Because there is so much technique and it can be a bit dangerous if you get it wrong it forced me to pay close attention to what my body was telling me. I imagine something like yoga would have similar benefits.

I like what you said about using exercise to pay attention to the body, I stretch daily but never really think about how my body feels during it and will be more mindful of it now.
Going to the drs is hard for me as well, hopefully your medical issues will resolve soon. sending positive thoughts your way.
I'm so sorry, didn't mean to correct your spelling in the quote...

[colicmel]

Welcome to the forum Colicmel,

I'm sorry that your life has led you through the dissociative state, but I'm very glad you found this forum, and any other help you are participating in.

My dissociative state has always been my trademark: They called me a daydreamer. But it was far worse than daydreaming. I too work on keeping myself Not dissociated. I blacked out in school as a child, not remembering hours of lost time. I'd wake up in class completely unaware of the last 2 hours. I passed 1-8th grade with straight D and F grades. I figure they would have held me back a grade here and there if they weren't more focused on being afraid of losing my parents' tuition money by making them angry that I'd been held back.

I once had a beautiful singing voice, but couldn't sing publicly because I'd dissociate mid-song and forget all the words. As a youngster, I was stronger than the average boy, but when it came to competitive sports, I couldn't catch or kick or throw a ball because I'd dissociate completely seconds before making contact with the ball. It would vanish right before my eyes and I'd miss making contact

I just wanted to share with you that you are in good company with others who have had to pursue treatment for C-PTSD because of dissociation (Among a lot of other symptoms).

The friendship and compassion on this forum has been a positive force in my life. I'm getting better slowly, and a lot of is because I don't feel so alone with my symptoms anymore.

I sincerely hope you find some of that friendship on this forum as well. I'm glad you found us.

Welcome.

Thank you so much for your warm welcome and sharing with me, it does help to not feel so alone. Sending well wishes for you on your journey. 

[colicmel]

I'm glad I could help, colicmel. And sorry to hear you had invalidating experiences with the p-doc. Celebrate what you're doing well and it does seem you're putting habits in place that are healthy.

One thing I'd like to challenge you over is doing these habits even when we don't need to. That's when we build capacity for when life takes a turn. Personally, I've used an app called Fabulous (only for the free trial, though the habits remain and the app reminds you of them even when the trial expired) in order to ensure I get reminded to do the habits every day. Like you said, doing them in small increments benefits our nervous system from getting overwhelmed. Would you be willing to give it a shot? Doesn't necessarily have to be the app, it could be just a calendar reminder or a friend keeping you accountable - it's more of getting that budget in and making sure we fill our cup. If it's too overwhelming that's ok. You don't need to proceed with it. Just do what's comfortable for you.

Hey, I will check into that app thanks! I do practice even when its not needed, but a setting a reminder is a great idea as sometimes its just hard to stay in routine.