Set back or ahead?

[Phoebes]

I'm very confused and overwhelmed right now. I've been NC for a long time now, and have had some phases where I felt "healing" happening. Honestly it's felt very heavy most of the time. If I were to list what happened to me including all of the gaslighting, anyone would logically say of course get far away and never look back. I've tried to.

Then at other times I feel like I almost have an awakening where I "get it" and feel like I should reach out to my NM and radically accept her for who she is and have a "careful" type of relationship, practicing good boundaries.

I just feel so heavy and like I struggle to move forward or find creative flow states with this burden. Logically it is really HER burden, and it's not a guilty feeling, it's more of something hanging over my head that's unresolved. And I wanted the resolution to be something that it probably can't be, but maybe I can reframe and try something different?

I don't know..my life has always been all about my NM, I am seeing. Still. I just thought without her constant negativity and gaslighting I would be able to thrive and finally be myself and make something of myself. It's not that way at all. I may complete mess and still focused on my feelings about it, healing from it, and what to do moving forward. One day one of us won't be here and I don't want to question if I could have done something better.

[Kizzie]

I had an NM Phoebes and she took up  a lot of real estate in my psyche for a long time. I had to go very low contact and give it time to chase her out of my head and life. Part of that was letting the "noise" seep away by filling up that space with things I like/love. It does take time though because they were so enmeshed with us psychologically.

In my case stepping back from her gave me the room to develop some compassion for what she had suffered that turned her into an N. That said, I did learn early on that to give her an inch would mean her taking a mile.  So I had that very careful relationship with her you talk about and I believe it was all that was possible given her narcissism.

Personally I have come to believe with N's there is only so much you can ever do and the rest is about stepping away and trying to live a good, healthy life yourself because they simply do not change. There is nothing you can say or do to change things IMO.

Just my thoughts of course.     

[Phoebes]

I can relate to all of that, Kizzie. It is a give and inch take a mile scenario, or was. Very low contact for many years, and then no contact for several years now after a straw that broke the camels back conversation. By nothing would change. Do you mean that she would not see the error of her ways and become a great mom or do you mean she will naturally default back to gaslighting and raging? She seems to be a feeble little old church lady to her new husband and family And to my sibling and other family members. Maybe she could just be that for me too.

[Blueberry]

Then at other times I feel like I almost have an awakening where I "get it" and feel like I should reach out to my NM and radically accept her for who she is and have a "careful" type of relationship, practicing good boundaries.

I just feel so heavy and like I struggle to move forward or find creative flow states with this burden. Logically it is really HER burden, and it's not a guilty feeling, it's more of something hanging over my head that's unresolved. And I wanted the resolution to be something that it probably can't be, but maybe I can reframe and try something different?

I resonate about the heaviness and burden and I understand about the longing but I don't think it's possible to reframe and try something different. I think if it had been possible, you would have done it long ago.

I'm too damaged (traumatised) to have a careful relationship with anyone in FOO because I just end up getting hurt again and again. Obviously I don't know if it's the same for you.

You mention that you're confused and overwhelmed. For me, that wouldn't be a place from which I could have any safe, healthy contact with a FOO mbr. ime once the confusion and overwhelm disappear, I'm clear on not wanting contact.

I just thought without her constant negativity and gaslighting I would be able to thrive and finally be myself and make something of myself. It's not that way at all. I may complete mess and still focused on my feelings about it, healing from it, and what to do moving forward.

I really resonate with all of this too. I'm sorry it's so hard for you atm and for a long time.

As to your comment to Kizzie on "feeble little old church lady", nobody else in your FOO or in your M's new FOC have exactly your history with your M. Maybe she treats them better than she treated you?

As someone else wrote to me, it's a hard time of year. Especially for those of us with no real FOO (due to own NC or VLC for self-preservation). I also have no FOC, idk about you, which is hard too.   

[Kizzie]

Do you mean that she would not see the error of her ways and become a great mom or do you mean she will naturally default back to gaslighting and raging? She seems to be a feeble little old church lady to her new husband and family And to my sibling and other family members. Maybe she could just be that for me too.

I don't know about your M Phoebes, all I know is N's rarely if ever change although sometimes they can charm/fool you and others in their circle.  I suppose you could always test the waters a bit at a time and see how she reacts/behaves, keeping in mind you need to protect yourself given your background.