help - being retraumatized 30 yrs. later!

[sanmagic7]

i wanted to write this on the 'having a terrible day' board, but i couldn't find it.

i just found out my oldest daughter (D1), is severely ill, may die at any time, just waiting for the call. my head is splitting right now, feels like it wants to explode.




****************TW*******************
SI in the past  threat of death from illness now



nearly 30 yrs. ago, this same D1 had many suicidal gestures, ODing many times, stays at the psych ward, and i never knew if/when i would get a call that she was found dead. yesterday i found out she's got a terrible virus that's lodged in her liver, it could kill her at any time even tho she's getting treatment, so i'm reliving the nightmare of waiting for the news that she didn't make it.

*************************end TW***********************




today, altho i'm holding myself together as best as i can, i can feel the stress and tension coursing thru my body, wreaking havoc on my system, my mind, my brain. i realized today i'm reliving the trauma of 30 yrs. ago in real time.

i have therapy in the morning, but i'm beside myself tonite, don't feel like sleeping, just want to smoke, or run around our apt. screaming and tearing my hair out. i'm on the verge of tears, so very sad my D1 is going thru another medical emergency, but there's nothing i can do about it. i had to go NC w/ her nearly 9 yrs. ago, she hates me now, will have nothing to do w/ me, our entire family has been afraid of her forever, she's now holding her father (my ex) hostage with her anger for her sister (the D i live w/ now) by forcing him to write an email about all perceived grievances D1 holds against D - years and years of this - and telling my D that he agreed w/ D1 about it. She had him cc her to make sure he sent it.

he told my D he didn't agree, but D1 told him if he didn't send it, she wouldn't allow him to be with her when she dies.  i reached out to her to offer comfort, prayers, healing energy, didn't know if i had the right email for her anymore, asked my ex to affirm that where i sent this was her correct email, he wrote back telling me she doesn't want to hear from me and if that changes, he'd let me know.  that was it.

it was another example of him sticking up for her over me, again, the same dynamic of 30 yrs. before, double trauma just like before. so, i just sent what i wanted to say, don't have any idea if she received it, don't expect an answer if she did, unless it's a F*** YOU!  she doesn't even call me mom anymore.  my mother heart is shredded, i'm at my wit's end, and i don't know if she's even going to be alive tomorrow.  i'm drowning. help! i can't take this crapola anymore.  it really is too much.  hugs, please.

thank you god for my darling D who is so caring, kind, and patient w/ me. she's the only thing that's keeping me alive.  this is * on her, too.  D loves her sister, but wants nothing to do w/ her at all after this last trick she's pulled.

i'm beside myself, rambling, head hurts, going for a cig tho it's way too late. right now i don't care. i did everything i could, i really did. she's turned into the most terrible person to the people who have loved her the most. it' terrifying, sad, crazy-making, angering, and i don't know what else is inside there - those are the only ones i recognize. horrifying. how is this person my daughter? i can't help her

[Blueberry]

  

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
There is a lot to deal with here, and I am sending you some heartfelt hugs      plus a big one full of care and hoping that you feel less alone with all of this 

I hope that by the time you read this, that maybe your head hurts a bit less, and that you can find some rest and feel better. 

Sending care across the miles to you. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, thanks so much. they're just right! 

hope, thanks for recognizing how much is in this piece of what i'm dealing with. i gobbled up your care and concern and are keeping them close to my heart.

every day is now a waiting game in this life and death struggle my D1 is going thru.  on top of the financial stuff, if we'll have to leave our apt., the disability ruling. i'm so caught up in this spider's web of stress and tension, my body's beginning to react to it once more.  just when i was feeling better . . .     

[Armee]

You've done everything you can, and it isn't your fault. Perhaps it will be possible to take comfort knowing however evil her methods at least she has her F there with her. All I can say is: I get it. Maybe not all the nuances involved with it being your D or the betrayal of your ex in this situation. But yes this exact scenario of reliving a past trauma as a fresh repetitive one plays in the present and it is absolutely unbearable. And yet, it is possible though painful to somehow manage to get through each day even though it is in tatters and trauma. Keep going, and forget about feeling bad about cigarettes. Do what you need to survive and have brief moments of peace. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, you said exactly what i needed to hear, especially about the cigarettes, and i thank you immensely for that.

things have taken a turn for the worst, now, as my D is now estranged from her F/my ex.  D1 had him send another email espousing more crapola that she told him to sign on that he was in agreement w/ everything it said, none of which was true, against my D. he did exactly that, so, even tho he told my D he didn't agree w/ it, it's another list of false accusations against my D which aren't true but are now fodder to be used against her by D1, as well as hurting my D that he would put his name to this simply to appease her sister.

she told him he needed to make some decisions cuz this is now affecting her negatively, hurting her and me, and that he's now *&((^^(''d cuz his name is on those lists and D1 has a copy.  but, true to form, yesterday he came back at her, presumably w/ the same kind of crapola, (she wouldn't tell me - she's too upset, i think) and she basically told him she's not ok w/ this anymore, he needed to make a decision, and when he does to let her know. 

this is driving me absolutely crazy.  it's a similar scenario i went thru w/ him that contributed to the breakup of our marriage.  he chose D1 over me.  i'd told him i couldn't live w/ her anymore just before i left for a vacation (this was also the time he told me he knew i was stressed so if i wanted to sleep w/ someone i knew in mexico to go ahead and do that - he basically gave me away).  but when i returned home, there she was, and when i confronted him about it he told me he wasn't going to put his daughter out on the street.

so, i know this scenario w/ him extremely well, and my heart is hurting that my D has to learn how unholy his allegiance is to D1, even to the detriment of his relationship w/ his other daughter.  it's like living in a nightmare - again!  separate circumstances yet the same.  i can't cry, have to be there for my D, so have to keep up the brave face, even while i've gone thru exactly what she's going thru, but she doesn't want me to say anything against him, so i also can't tell her i understand, that i know this scenario all too well.  god, help me, please

[NarcKiddo]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[Armee]

 

I'm so sorry, San.

Smoke one for me this morning. There are many many many layers of trauma and retrauma and triggers. Focus on you and D. You have no control over what the other 2 do or how things work out for them. There's literally nothing you can do. Send your love off into the universe and hold tight to D and your sanity. Ex and D1 are quite ill both of them. There's no reasoning with that or fixing it and no way to be there for them.

I feel for D right now. This is a harsh thing to realize about your F. Send her my love too from someone quite betrayed by her F as well. People are sick and messed up and that's about them not her or you. What a painful situation.  I'll be here sending hugs and love and thoughts full of "it is not your fault."

 

[sanmagic7]

narckiddo, thank you so for your thoughtfulness and kindness.  so appreciated right now.  you don't even know.

armee, thanks for such caring support on the cigs.  you've put a smile on my face.  you're right, i can't fix this, i didn't do it, it's not my fault - that'll be running thru my head all day, thank you) it's just so difficult to see it happening again to my darling D who has worked so hard all her life for her family.  i'm so sad she has to witness his behavior hurting her when she's done nothing wrong and D1 has continually hurt all of us.

he's always said he didn't especially like me, but he fell in love w/ D1 when she was a baby.  he aligned himself w/ her against me when she was a toddler.  one day i was sitting across the room from them, he told her to 'go over and kick your mother in the ankle'.  of course we made it into a joke, laughed, but later in life i wondered why he would ask her to do something violent to me instead of give your mom a hug or something sweet like that.  ugh!

that's what this is doing - bringing up all these old, painful remembrances.  i can still see her toddle across the room toward me.  this stuff is implanted, has been pushed back and down numerous times, but something like this?  what's happening now?  just replaying the same old harmful song. it hurts to see my D have to experience this.  i know it's breaking her to watch him do this to her on a request and threat from her sister, even after he's repeatedly told my D he doesn't know why he's put up w/ D1's crapola for so long.

i give my D so much credit for standing up to him, but i know it tore her up inside, cuz she only mentioned she'd heard from him again, something new came up, and they were on the outs now until he makes a decision. 

i'm probably repeating myself, i'm just letting this flow out of me, i just got the picture of some tar-like substance in my throat, wanting to spew it out cuz it's choking me.

[Armee]

As long as it's helpful, spew it out over and over and over. 

Your D doesn't deserve it and didn't do anything to bring this on. Just like you didn't either.

[Kizzie]

OMG San, I am so so sorry to hear what you're going through and that your daughter is not in a good way.  Is there anything I can help with?  Like your other OOTS friends, I am here to listen and support you.

Big, big warm hug for you 

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

sanmagic7, has your ex husband and D1 been diagnosed as sociopaths?

[blue_sky]

Focus on you and D. You have no control over what the other 2 do or how things work out for them. There's literally nothing you can do.

100% agree with Armee. The best thing you can do is be there for your daughter and be kind to yourself. Why waste energy on people that we have no control over?

Please keep writing as many times as needed, we will be here to read it and listen to you. We understand it and we get it.

Sending lots and lots of hugs and warmth and strength and positivity towards your way...   

[sanmagic7]

armee, that's exactly what i'm doing. i'm thankful every morning that i have another day to be there for my D. and both my D and i know we have gone to extraordinary lengths to make this better between us and them in the past, so hold no remorse nor regret about what's happening. we know this isn't on us.   thank you so for being here for me. 

kizzie, thank you - just your initial response already brought warmth to my heart.  i wish there was something anyone could do, but unfortunately . . . i thank you so much, tho, for the offer.  i appreciate your support so much.

tbcc, i doubt they'd be truthful in therapy - in fact my ex already told me about some of his therapy around misogyny, and how his therapist of 1 1/2 yrs. was shocked it was even brought up, that she'd have known.  he then told me he was a great liar. so, how could anyone diagnose either of them?

blue-sky, thanks for that. it's exactly what i'm doing. my energy/feelings are so all over the board about so many complications involved in this present-day scenario which harkens back to the past.

my D is no longer talking to her F because of his choice of D1 over her in a hurtful way.  he made the same choice concerning me and D1 which was part of the reason for our marriage ending. i'm watching my beautiful D get hurt, and that tears at my mother heart. this is a pattern i've seen w/ him, just one more, like a test, to see how far you'll let him go. D said 'enough', and i'm very proud of her for standing up to him, even tho i know it's killing her to do so. and that kills a bit of me.   

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

It may be a tough topic as in perhaps she's yet seeking reconciliation, but has D thought of no contact (and you as well)?