help - being retraumatized 30 yrs. later!

[Blueberry]

D said 'enough', and i'm very proud of her for standing up to him, even tho i know it's killing her to do so. and that kills a bit of me.   

   for D! I'm proud of her too, because it can be so so hard. I remember when I finally started standing up to FOO mbrs and also the other feelings that went with that. I understand that for you it's really really hard to see her going through this. It's killing her but it's giving her a new strength too! She's finally said "No." It's a big deal.

   for both of you

[Armee]

So well said BB. 

[sanmagic7]

we've been NC w/ D1 for many years already. i've been NC w/ my ex, also, for many years. D worked hard to address issues w/ her F in order to keep him in her life, but this is recent, he's showing his true colors to her, which he did w/ me many years ago.

i'm sorry, i'm so raw, i can't answer these questions anymore. this has all been addressed before.

i don't mean to be rude, i know you care, i'm just not in a place to bring this up.  it hurts my gut, so i'll have to stop.  

blueberry, thanks for all that.  you're right about her.  she's gotten some strength along the way in her life that i hadn't even recognized before.  plus, and she told me this, it was me who stood up to D1 first, and D was able to get strength from that to stand up to her sister as well.   

didn't expect those questions to affect me the way they did. it was visceral, and i'm feeling very disturbed right now. i've been pretty much numb since yesterday, but these questions brought everything back into some kind of malicious reality and i want to cry. i can't believe it's happening again, they're doing this again and hurting my D with it this time. and that's hurting me, which she recognizes and why she's not talking to him now.

time for a cig.  first one's for armee.  thank you for that.

[Armee]

I've never been happier to have a smoke.

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Take good care of yourself, sanmagic7.

[Blueberry]

didn't expect those questions to affect me the way they did. it was visceral, and i'm feeling very disturbed right now. i've been pretty much numb since yesterday, but these questions brought everything back into some kind of malicious reality and i want to cry.

Those kinds of questions always get me riled up because I end up justifying my decisions at least in my head if not out loud and it feels very visceral. I end up back in the mess of trauma. I hope you can either get back to numbness or feel the rest of us here supporting you as you make your own way in your own time. 

i can't believe it's happening again, they're doing this again and hurting my D with it this time. and that's hurting me, which she recognizes and why she's not talking to him now.

I remember so many times before you were hurting so much because you were NC with your ex but your D was still giving him chances. I know it hurts you as a mother but it's possible your D needed this hurt once more in order to say "No." I hope she can stay strong. Trauma bond is so hard.  

time for a cig.  first one's for armee.  thank you for that.

I'm not a smoker, I have other non-good ways of dealing, but I'll join you for a virtual one, san! I mean, you do what you can to keep putting one foot in front of the other or just to keep breathing or whatever. No plans, no musts, no anything. Just be.

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry San, so much of what our abusers do is deeply heartbreaking and I'm not sure many non-survivors and even some professionals truly understand that.

Like you I'm glad to hear D stood up to him even though it is painful for her and for you. I don't know if she knows about us here but if she does plse pass a heartfelt "Well done!" and a   

And one for you of course    

[sanmagic7]

armee, you made me smile.  thanks!

tbcc, thank you for your well wishes 

blueberry, as ever, you helped me understand what was going on inside me cuz of those questions, and validated what i felt. i believe the part of being pulled back into the trauma, cuz i remember feeling angry about them but i didn't understand why. you did.as far as D staying strong, she's mad at him for throwing her under the bus becuz of her sister's demands.  she still doesn't have a clue as to his true nature, no understanding of it, (even tho when i first found out, i told her about his NPD)

the newest update is that she's concerned cuz D1 continually tells him he has dementia whenever he forgets something (his mother had it) and he's now referring to himself that way.  so, she's checking up w/ him on that point, saying she's doing her 'due diligence' by trying to find out from his bro (who's a nurse and has lunch w/ him every couple of weeks) if the brother is actually seeing signs of it, or if it's simply more mayhem from D1.  so, she said no, she's not talking to him for one thing, but she's still being involved w/ him.

i got mad about that for a minute, she came up w/ all her concerns, i had to let it go.  i've got to stay out of that dynamic.  she doesn't give up that easily on people, and doesn't want to hear from me about him.*sigh* i got my hopes up for one minute, but that's gone now. she feels a duty to him as her F.

and, blueberry, the virtual cig line was just great.  thank you for being you.

kizzie, i'm quite sure most of those people don't understand that, nor the workings of 'trauma brain'.  my shrink got a taste of it last time i talked to her when she asked how i was and i told her not good cuz of my worries over our finances, and she tried to pawn me off w/ a platitude - well, you know, worrying about something won't change the outcome.  i nearly exploded at her, telling her that didn't help, trauma brain doesn't care, logically i know that, etc.  finally she said, 'well, what can i do for you?' and i said, 'listen to me'.  so she did for a while, not too long, tho, but i got my meds, and that's all i wanted.

what i thought of after that is how at the end of our chats, she always says to call her if i want to talk.  so, when i talked, she immediately tried to smooth it over, get rid of my distress. so, yeah, i agree w/ you, kizzie, hardly anyone outside of survivors can understand this, or even tries to. medicate them so they don't cause problems, kind of attitude.

anyway, i already mentioned above that it looks like my D's stand against her F is situation specific, so, while i appreciate the extra hug for her, i won't be sending it along.  i have to stay away from that now. but, thank you so much for being here w/ me.

this morning the thoughts came racing in after i woke up, and i pictured all of you here w/ me, much like i did when i had to leave mex.  i'm keeping you as a barrier for me today to help ward off all the i don't know, but all of it that's hurting me.  i'm feeling the pain right now, and it's pretty awful. my chest is tight, which i've come to recognize as fear w/in me.  don't know what i might be afraid of.  my D thought this time (she'd asked her F) the death possibility was real, and all of that is wrapped up inside me, banging on my chest, making it difficult to breathe.  i want to be numb again, but i don't know how.

thank you all for being here, helping me thru this.  hopefully, D1 will improve and i can go back to ignoring her existence, ignoring his existence, wrap myself in my own little bubble of hoping we have enough money to not have to move.  that seems simpler somehow, and this family stuff has pushed the finances back and down, but it's creeping up again, and the instability of it all is poking its head up once again. no, no, no, too much!

[Armee]

 

Standing here as part of your deep and wide barrier of friends. I beefed up on protein shakes, too, and put on my padded football gear and helmet. I can block at least 3 bad things for you today. I totally have that power, look at me, I'm huge and intimidating. I even put on the war stripes. Get away from San you awful bad feelings. Hurgh.

[Kizzie]

Too funny Armee and very sweet    San you have some people here who really care about you 

[Armee]

American football I should clarify. If it were international football I'd fall on the ground clutching my ankle in fake pain the second those emotions even glanced my way. And that would be no help to you.

[Blueberry]

san, you can picture me in that protective barrier too. I can stand my ground and look intimidating, especially when I'm doing it for somebody else (more than for myself that is).

I'm sorry D's progress was situational only. Still, maybe she'll get there. Please remember to look after yourself too, not just D. You're important, your wellbeing is important. 

I remember now you write about it how we were with you when you left mex. So now we're with you again.

I'm coming back out of a rough patch and am on the forum several times a day for support. Writing to you is helping me today too.

[sanmagic7]

armee, you're beautiful!  the image is great, and has been uploaded into my barrier group. was able to breathe just now. thank you so much for all your support, and for being able to bring a smile to my heart in the midst of all this. i can't tell you what it means to me. 

kizzie, i know that so deeply.  this place, you people, have saved me more than once, have helped me literally live thru some desperate times, and my gratitude is beyond bounds. and you're all doing it again. kizzie, you actually provided a lifesaving space here, and i thank you for that, too. 

blueberry, you are my rosetta stone.  you helped me figure out what was going on w/ these questions, and you turned me on to the alexithymia piece that i was missing several years ago. w/o that, i would never have been able to understand what was going on w/ me, the cause of my constant confusion and lack of emotional response. i'm indebted to you for that. it explained so much, helped me realize how many emotions/feelings i'd absorbed w/o being able to express, acknowledge, recognize, and subsequently feel. thank you from my heart for speaking up, allowing me to see what was missing so i could make some sense of my life and why i was such a great target for others. 

with everyone surrounding me, i'm feeling a bit less nervy and on edge. as a therapist, it continues to fascinate me how the people here, who have gone thru some horrendous things each in their own way, choose to be caring, giving, and generous w/ their support, while others choose the opposite - being spiteful, mean, abusive and all the rest of anything negative. once again, you are lifesavers, and i'm grateful.  thanks to you i will make it thru another day, a little bit more at peace than yesterday.  i love you all.

[Armee]

You gave me so much through these years here, San especially through the worst realizations. You said the words I needed to hear over and over again and each time I needed to hear exactly what you had to say. It was exactly what I needed. You are a beautiful strong woman.

[Kizzie]