Blue's blues

[Hope67]

Hi Blue_sky,
I am glad that you were able to get through that procedure (having your IUD placed).  I think you were brave.  I am sorry that people questioned your wish to have the general anaesthesia, that is your choice, and I understand it. 

I'm glad you're going to be celebrating Blue's Independence Day for the 2nd time. 

Hope 

[blue_sky]

Still going through another difficult week.

Monday was the 7th Emotion Regulation Class. I'm quite sad that next week is the last one.
Finally when the group was comfortable talking to each other and sharing experiences.... will probably never see them again...

We learnt about TIPP for distress tolerance.
T - Temperature [If you are someone who gets cold, get a blanket or a warm tea. If you are someone who gets heated up, ice pack to the face or cold shower]
I - Intense exercise [Like punching in the air for 20 seconds x 3 times]
P - Paced breathing [The intense exercise would lead to increased heartbeat so to regulate we do paced breathing]
P - Paced muscle relaxation [Squeezing your muscles tightly and then letting go; starting from the toes, one part of the body at a time]

Handouts were also given about different activities one could do to tolerate distress.

The mindfulness exercise was quite interesting. We were given those adult mandala colouring patterns and some colours.
After about 5 minutes (barely coloured much), we were asked to hand our sheet to the person on our left and continue colouring the page that the person on the right gave to us.
And after sometime they would get us to switch again.

The thoughts/feelings that arose for me:
1) As soon as I saw the mandala pattern, I knew I don't have enough time to complete it so I was worried.
2) Started colouring with "scented gel pens" but there was no scent. Felt sad.
3) The gel pens stopped working after colouring like 2 sections, this was the 2nd gel pen that ran out of ink. Started getting annoyed. Even wondered if they were doing this on purpose to get us distressed.
4) When they got us to switch the paper, I was nervous that someone else would continue my work and anxious that I had to colour someone else's and would have to make it good enough for them.
5) Also uncomfortable as that person was using blue marker and I only had gel pens so the colours/textures didn't match.

Did not think such a small mindfulness exercise of colouring could bring up so many emotions for me. 


Also work is super unstable right now. Boss said the past 5 months the accounts have been on minus and we will be doing 3 day work week for at least a couple of months (and even that's not guaranteed). Trying to find another position but not much is available and I have limited skills and availability as I have a lot of medical and academic commitments.
Plus mortgage. Plus mum's living with us. Plus friend's wedding in Japan next year. Want to hide under a rock   

[NarcKiddo]

Wait, what? Mum's living with you? Whose mum? How long for? Not that it is my place to question you, especially in your journal, but that sounds difficult. Of course you don't need to answer.

I'm sorry work is unstable. I hope a better position comes up for you.

Do you think maybe the group members could meet up for coffee occasionally? People might be keen. It is not easy to find people one feels comfortable with, especially for that sort of thing. It could be a nice, supportive group ongoing.

I think I would have felt very similar emotions during that colouring exercise. It sounds quite stressful, actually. But maybe you could enjoy it under other circumstances? Colouring, I mean, not having to swap things around. It can be very calming.

 

[blue_sky]

My parents visited me in July after we shifted to a new house. I did invite them because I thought it would be a good opportunity to try to re-work on our relationship since now they know what had happened. But I think within a week of them arriving, I realised that's not going to work.
They have never questioned me whether it's true or a lie per se but it also feels like they don't take things as seriously as they should be.

Teenage Blue was the most upset with me because she blamed adult Blue for inviting the parents over. And Teenage Blue already finds it difficult to bond with adult Blue. I thought Little Blue would enjoy having parents and nurturing around but it felt more "forced" than nurture. Like constantly trying to feed me or asking me to eat healthy or commenting if I ate unhealthy, or trying to get me to be more active (I have never been an active person). Mum was also trying out this "hugs every morning" routine and it felt so strange because we barely hugged in my childhood. So it all seemed fake or an act. She doesn't hug anymore, I don't know when it stopped...

Anyway, dad went back in Sept but mum's still around until April next year when we come back from Japan. On one hand it feels easier to have her around as she cooks and cleans and my fur babies don't have to be alone but on the other hand it also feels like I have a maid. Why is it so weird? She has also mentioned once before that perpetrator sibling has changed but I think I just cried and dearest husband had to intervene and stop the conversation. How would I explain to her that the kind of things her son has done to her daughter doesn't just vanish because he might have "changed".

Emotion Regulation classes are now over. I wanted to give my number to group members so we could keep in touch but I was a coward and couldn't speak up. One of the members gave me her number as we left the building so hopefully I will have at least one person to catch up with. I am also eagerly waiting for Zoom Group 2 to restart so we can have that sense of belonging and catch up. It feels so warm to talk to a group who understands! Thank you NK <3 (i want a heart emoji but there isn't any)

[NarcKiddo]

Wow. That is a verrrry long visit. I wonder if the hugging and cooking and cleaning is maybe her idea of how to try to make amends? Which is all very well but I can see how problematic it is when she then tries to persuade you that perp sibling has changed. As you say that does not in any way negate the damage done to you.

I'm glad you're in a zoom group. They are so helpful. And I hope you can continue to connect with the member of your class. If you felt up to it, maybe you (or the other member) could email the teacher to say you would like to connect and ask if the teacher would email the other members to see if they would be open to that. Just a thought.

 

[Armee]

Ugh I'm so sorry BlueSky.

I'm so glad your husband spoke up about why it doesn't matter if your brother has changed or not. That is irrelevant... good for him and society but that has no relevance to you. He will always be a trigger. He will never be a safe presence or reminder to have in your life. That isn't because of something you have done wrong, or that you just need to forgive and move on. Your brain will rightfully treat him and reminders of him as massive warning signs that you are in danger. And you will be in danger even if he never touches you again because of what that kind of trauma trigger does to survivors. It IS a matter of life and death and no amount of him changing or you forgiving him or you "getting over it" can change that. I'm so sorry it is inconvenient for your mom but that is what happens when people don't step up and stop a problem before it gets to that level. That's her burden to carry, it doesn't belong to you.

I hope you stay in touch with the person from the group. 

[blue_sky]

Thank you NK and Armee.

The thing is that its hard to believe he has changed. Because he was the "monster" only in front of me (I think) and nobody else (I hope!). And it's that monstrous side that is so cunning and sharp minded and is excellent in grooming and gaslighting and has no remorse whatsoever. I don't know if he has an actual mental disorder (highly doubt as there are no other symptoms) but I cannot forgive someone who would continue hurting their little sister when they are begging and crying in pain. So yes, you guys are right, it's for my M and F to carry that burden of how to manage that balance between their two precious kids.

M and F also don't know the extent and the details of CSA. I wouldn't be surprised if they thought it was a one off incident or just some "almost non-significant" molestation. I know such thing doesn't exist but in south asia, because there is such a high rate of eve teasing and unsafety that if someone just grasps your privates for a split second, it might not be considered as serious offence as Rape.

Ugghhhh.... since this is taking me to flashbacks and slow rumination, I'm going to log off and practise some of my DBT skills before it gets too worse.
I'll be back soon....

[Blueberry]

Ugggh, Blue. Uggggghhhhh.

My parents use the "different culture" card too though they're just from the UK and my sibs and I were mostly brought up in another 1st world anglo culture, not really that different in these kinds of ways.

You're off doing grounding exercises, I hope you get well-grounded again. I'm not writing anything more in response to your post because I don't want to trigger you again. I am standing with you!

[blue_sky]

Wow what a fortnight it has been! Not in a good way. Not too bad either...

Husband suddenly had to fly overseas to take his M for her health check-ups. It was planned quite suddenly and he is gone throughout Christmas and New Year shutdown period.
Which means I am at home with my M day in and day out. Luckily he had a chat with her before leaving and reminded her not to bring up any past topics while he's not around.

But he is my saviour, my knight in shining armour, the guy I depend on for everything. So not having him around is still painful. As much as I don't want to admit it, and want to fake it that I am strong and independent, teenage Blue feels very vulnerable without him.

Also found out a few days ago that sibling is back home and his wife (my sister-in-law) posted their photos on social media. I have blocked him but I hadn't blocked her as I thought she has done nothing wrong to me and I don't have any grudges towards her. But this triggered me very abruptly. His smile always feels like a smirk to me and it retraumatises me right away. My uncle also posted a photo of a room in my grandparents' house and it was "The Room" where it usually happened. So..... yeahhhh... everything is testing me. And I have an assignment due on 2nd Jan which is worth 40% of the unit.

I mean it's not the worst situation... But it does feel very tiring. I feel like I just need to constantly run away... 

[NarcKiddo]

Oh, blue, that is tough. Maybe the assignment is a good thing - you have a ready excuse to hide away if your M starts getting a bit much.

 

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Wow. Sorry you're going through so much distress, blue_sky. It's terrible when our parents invalidate us. It's also the challenge, no? To confront our parents and stay grounded in order to know whether they are on our side and participate in reparations or whether they're unable to bare witness to the damage done by the sibling and so we know to take the next steps in going low contact or no contact. Please take good care of yourself especially in these moments of just you and your M. If things get heated up you can always say you've to take the fur babies out for a walk (assuming they're dogs).

The assignment sounds like a challenge. Are there libraries nearby if you need time alone so you can focus on work without your M possibly disturbing you? This can create a physical boundary between you and your M, giving you respite. Assuming, of course, you're not doing it at workplace.

And talking about workplace, I know how it is to feel insecure about it. Had lived it before through restructuring and ultimately through resignation (not that I advise you to resign). Sorry to hear cuts are being made. Are there freelancing projects you can take on to make up for the difference in worked days? Unsure what your work exactly is (and whether there're projects available on), but Freelancer.com website may be a good starting point. Would you give it a try?

Also, well done on participating to the emotional regulation courses! I do hope you stay in touch with that other member. It sounds like you started to form a bond.

[Blueberry]

Oh Blue I'm sorry. I understand about how just a look or a smirk can throw us.

I cannot imagine how I would deal with having a FOO mbr even if 'just' an enabler in my house or flat. But I have had an enabler staying with me in the past so... It was really hard though. Sending lots of support!  

[NarcKiddo]

I cannot imagine how I would deal with having a FOO mbr even if 'just' an enabler in my house or flat.

I am replying to this here, although maybe it should strictly be elsewhere given this is blue's journal. But it does kind of relate, because I have noticed that I am utterly reluctant to have any FOO step inside my house. And yet the whole lot of them were here before our Christmas family lunch and I did not find it too bad. However I think that was because my husband was present for the whole thing, and thus I feel very much for blue because her husband is not there right now. That makes it so much harder. My mother used to come on fairly regular visits and my husband would make himself scarce. Those visits I now avoid like poison. Fortunately such visits involve her in a certain amount of travel which she is becoming somewhat reluctant to undertake so I can offer to save her the bother by going to see her instead.

It horrid when you feel like you want to run away and you are in your own home.

Continued good thoughts coming your way, blue sky. 

[Blueberry]

It horrid when you feel like you want to run away and you are in your own home.

Exactly.

Continued good thoughts coming your way, blue sky. 

   Hang in there. We are here!

[Armee]

Sending along support too, BlueSky. You are so strong to just be there right now. I am so sorry to hear that there have been many painful triggers lately. It's not a magic fixer but little by little it can help the tiniest amount... but just try to keep reminding those younger parts that they are safe now and you won't let anything happen to them ever again. Mama Bear Blue. They might not believe you right now and that's OK because you'll keep proving to them that things are different now. You have your own place to live with a safe protective husband, you have a job and are working on becoming a therapist who can help people just like those parts of you that were hurt so badly, and your mom is in your home which means you can ask her to leave if you need to. You aren't trapped anymore and you have more power than those little Blues probably realize. 💙