My thoughts on this journey

[Dina]

Where to start?
That's the question that comes up in my head when I get here with a strong desire to start journaling.
And then I realized that it is the same question I asked myself when I started my healing journey: where to start?
So, I guess that sharing that thought would be a good starting point.

I've read a few posts comparing the healing journey to the snakes and ladders game. Never thought about it in that way and I'd have to agree with that. For me it felt like one step forward, three steps back. But actually it is kinder to myself, and more realistic to see it as the snakes and ladders thingy. After all, despite of the big set backs, I also have big steps forward. Acknowledging the good parts is progress too.

My biggest struggle? Is trying to  break the cycle of many generations of trauma while being a mother of 2. I've been told that it is an impossible task, that I won't be able to break it all at once, and that what I'm doing is more than enough. Yeah, still trying to believe and internalize that one.
It's so difficult to model how to manage emotions when I'm actually a mess myself.
It's so difficult to give what I never received.
It's so difficult to see how easy is to give unconditional love to a child, and being aware that I never received it. I have to constantly repeat myself that I was worth of it, just had the bad luck of having a mother unable to give it to me.

Sometimes I wished I knew I had c-ptsd before I had children, but then I know that I wouldn't be alive anymore. They were the reason I stayed around. So, here I am, doing my best for them, and once in a while, thinking that I'm doing my best for me too.

[NarcKiddo]

The healing journey is hard. I think the snakes & ladders analogy is very apt. But you are here and you are doing your best. It sounds like your best is a very good best, even if it does not always feel that way. Your children are lucky to have you as their mother.

[Armee]

Beautiful start Dina.

I'm also a mother of 2 and didn't start therapy until I was 40...oldest child was 10 and in crisis and youngest was 5. So much has changed for the better since then. But I'm definitely familiar with that thought about wishing I had healed before kids. But knowing that also wasn't realistic.

Anyhow, welcome to your journal! I can tell I'll enjoy reading what you write.

[Dina]

I'm touched by your lovely and kind words! Thank you NarcKiddo!


And Thank you for your comment Armee! It is really nice to know that I'm not the only mother struggling in this kind of path. I'm looking forward to read you!

[Dina]

My thoughts on Day #2

After 3 weeks, I had therapy today. It was online, my choice. We are trying to repair after a big rupture we had the last week of November. Thesis longest I have been with the same therapist, almost 2 years now.
What happened was partially his fault and he apologized for it several times. Still all I want to do is to run away from him and I know that it is a trauma response, but it is so difficult to stay at the same time. My attachment issues at best are playing out, the push-pull dynamic as I never consciously experienced it before.
Today I was mostly dissociated during the session, but I was crying at the end and he asked if it was because the session was coming to an end, and he was right. I won't see him anymore for the next two weeks and I feel I blew the hour dissociating. Blaming myself as if it's something that I chose to do.
Anyway, at least I cried a little bit today. I hadn't cried in a while.
I guess today is just one of those days when anything inside makes much sense.

The good stuff, I spent the afternoon taking care on my little one, we played boardgames, snuggled, sang, laughed, watched a movie. We had a good time. And I'm smiling while writing this bit, so I'll try to take this to bed with me.

Tomorrow will be another day, another chance.

[Armee]

Sometimes I just look at my T and marvel that this human has sat for 1.5-2 hrs a week with me for 5 years with nearly all of that in a state of intense shut-down and I can't believe he has had the ability to just be there with it. Don't worry too much about wasting time dissociating. You're learning about managing dissociation and that is super important for the healing parts. Just being dissociated and then being aware of it is huge progress, ok? 

Also have had big ruptures that stemmed from T making some pretty enormous mistakes and it took awhile to get back on track but I'm really grateful for sticking it out even as the trust was a bit eroded because he learned and really has helped me come a long way. So I definitely applaud you for sticking it out instead of going with the trauma response. It's hard, but worth it to challenge that response at times. I'm so glad you are taking joy in being with your little one.

[Dina]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience Armee! It is amazing what the words of another person can do to me. I really appreciate your comments!!! 

[Blueberry]

Where to start?
That's the question that comes up in my head when I get here with a strong desire to start journaling.
And then I realized that it is the same question I asked myself when I started my healing journey: where to start?
So, I guess that sharing that thought would be a good starting point.

It maybe sounds a bit silly coming from me but I really like your introduction! It made me want to keep reading your post, which I did. And it's no longer a given that I read all journals of new mbrs, though that has to do with self-preservation rather than any slight against new mbrs.

After all, despite of the big set backs, I also have big steps forward. Acknowledging the good parts is progress too.

Congrats on having made big steps forward

About the bit I underlined: Totally!. It's been very important to me to keep acknowledging my own progress no matter how small it seems to me to be. Fortunately my occupational therapist reminds me regularly of my progress and quite a number of mbrs on here do too, when I forget or am in an EF and can't reach the knowledge that I have made progress and am still making progress. 

My biggest struggle? Is trying to  break the cycle of many generations of trauma while being a mother of 2. I've been told that it is an impossible task, that I won't be able to break it all at once, and that what I'm doing is more than enough. Yeah, still trying to believe and internalize that one.
It's so difficult to model how to manage emotions when I'm actually a mess myself. 
It's so difficult to give what I never received.

  I'm not a parent myself, but I hear you. I have a godson and I had furbabies for a long time. I really resonate with the "...when I'm a mess myself". My interactions with my godson and my care of my furbabies are and were negatively impacted by all my trauma. Over time and as I made progress, my interactions with my godson and furbabies got less impacted by my trauma. I'm sure your children have noticed that too and will continue to do so, even if they don't notice cognitively (depending on age etc). It's sad but I agree that it's impossible to break all the inter-generational stuff all at once, but I am sure that you are doing enough!

Sometimes I wished I knew I had c-ptsd before I had children, but then I know that I wouldn't be alive anymore. They were the reason I stayed around.

I'm glad you stayed around   I'm glad to have met you here and look forward to more of your posts and to following your healing journey. My little furbabies (generations of guinea pigs) were the reason I kept going as an adult, kept going in the sense of getting out of bed and getting on with my day. Without them, I'd probably still be here but I'm not sure what state I would've been in all those years up till now.

[Dina]

Wow Blueberry, thank you for taking the time to read my post and give such a thorough feedback. I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me 🙂 is incredibly valuable for me 


My thoughts on day #3 and #4

Yesterday, I sent an email to my therapist communicating what I felt the unresolved issues between us. He gave me the most reassuring reply, and now I think I ready to move on from "the incident" and keep working on myself.
Topic of the moment: repressed anger that keeps me in and out of freeze mode.

Today was a very good day! It could be that the higher dose of the new antidepressant is finally kicking in, or the exercises from yesterday, or the fact that I was able to work on the Uni assignment due this month, or idk, the fact is that I had a good mental day today and I enjoyed it.

[Dina]

My thoughts on day #5

Why is it that after a good couple of days I have one like this one? I cognitively know the answer to that one! Besides the obvious reasons that come to my mind, I'll add that probably finding the right dosage of the new antidepressant is messing up with me. 

This morning, even before I opened my eyes I felt like crying. I've been in a very bad mood and to make things worse, we missed our couples therapy appointment. My husband forgot  about it (he has ADD so he never remembers anything) but the alarms didn't work, and I (usually keep things under control) completely forgot about it. This will be a very expensive forgetful episode. 

Weekend is here, and the kids will be at thome 24hrs on both days. Not really looking forward to it, at least not when I'm in this kind of mood. 
Anyway, it is getting cold here, we're at -5 and tomorrow will be colder. If at least we had some sun, but no it's just cold, snowy and grey. Probably not so bad, but this is what I see today.

I'll go to bed early today. We're heading to the mountains tomorrow, hopefully we'll find some sun there. Hopefully tomorrow will be better!

[Armee]

It's a roller-coaster, isn't it?

But -5 and no sun would make just about anyone cranky.

Good luck this weekend. Some good days. Some bad days. It happens. At first I felt really down when I'd have bad days after good days because it felt like I'd been hoodwinked into thinking I was better just to find out I'm not. But I also now kind of look at the good days as a goal post for what I am aiming for. Becoming familiar with what it feels like to feel good.