Control.

[Bermuda]

It's rough lately, and I am spinning around in my mind constantly. It's a feeling I am familiar with. I want to know if other people experience this, and how it expresses in other people.

So, I got hit by a car last week on my bicycle. Instead of healing, I have been focused on getting everything exactly how it was before. My mind tells me that if I take a break from my routine, than it will cause me to create a phobia surrounding my previous routine, and then I will have to create a completely new me. Everyone of course will notice that, so it's best to be consistent. I realise that there is some underlying truth in this, but also a fair bit of CPTSD. So, for me, right now I'm constantly trying to stay busy, and get everything done. I've actually been less emotional than usual. I'm very much in overachiever superhero mode. It looks like resilience, but it's not. I'm going insane inside my mind trying to desperately create an even better functioning person than I was before the crash, and of course this isn't sustainable, and I am beginning to think that I look like a ghost to the outside world. When I speak to people, they're speaking to a ghost, and worry they may be able to tell.

So, anyway... Yes, that. I want the busy hive inside to slow down. Not sure how to do that. I don't want anyone to notice anything is off either. I just want to go incognito like I usually do until this passes, but I have to control everything.

[NarcKiddo]

This resonates so much. I desperately want to respond but there is so much I could say that I hardly dare to start because a whole word salad will likely come pouring out and make no sense at all.

I have to have control and I rather hate that because my mother has to have control and I don't want to be like her, but if I don't have control then I don't know what to do. The unexpected might be good. Yet I would rather it be bad and predictable. If everyone just stays on their train tracks and does what they are supposed to do I am fine.

I am going to think about this and come back if I have something coherent to say.

[dollyvee]

Hi Bermuda,

From the outside it looks like you went through quite a traumatic event that threatened your idea of safety, or maybe being safe. It sounds like your brain might be trying to "make safe" in the best way it knows how (probably similiar to what you did as a child) so that your "world" doeesn't come apart (as it perhaps did when you were a child). Having someone see you in a vulnerable state also maybe feels threatening since perhaps you weren't allowed to have those needs as a child.

I'm sorry you went through that though. I've been hit before on a bike (two times) and it was an awful thing since both times the driver laughed off the responsibility or tried to blame me. It was verey much a feeling I think of being out of control.

I hope you are feeling better soon,
dolly

[Blueberry]

Oh Bermuda, I'm sorry you were hit by a car! That's happened to me a few times when I've been cycling, some near misses too, also very near misses as a pedestrian.

I hope you're OK physically? My really bad accident I got concussion, which precipitated a whole bunch of problems like brain fog. That was probably to keep back the resurfacing trauma memories. The car driver and his wife tried to blame me too but fortunately there was a witness...

Anyway, I haven't reacted in the way you are after any of my accidents. If anything, I tend to anger on the spot (though not road rage), which I think is healthy, so long as I wasn't the cause. But I think what Dolly writes makes sense. Including the safety aspect. I'm a commuter cyclist through and through, I don't drive a motor vehicle at all, but the laws of physics mean we're less safe around motor vehicles and even other cyclists could cause us harm. We're vulnerable, sad to say. After the bad accident with concussion, I felt very vulnerable, emotionally too. Not angry, not even in the immediate aftermath.

Busy hive to slow down? Sit back and breathe. Concentrate on breathing. And/or try and find underlying emotions and sit with them. Says BB who is currently on the run from everything. But it's helpful even if you do it for 5 minutes. Ignore if this is supremely unhelpful.

[storyworld]

I don't have any insights to offer. I just wanted to say, I can understand how traumatic it must have felt to get hit by a car. I can understand the desire to control things one can control, especially when wounded by something they couldn't control. (Which, I can see, also being a big trigger related to childhood stuff, that, obviously, none of us had any control over.) What do you think you would find most encouraging or supportive at this moment?

[Bermuda]

Thanks for the replies. I honestly don't know, Storyworld. I think how blueberry describes her reactions seem reasonable. I feel unreasonable. I don't feel the trauma at all. I frantically brush everything aside. I have no urge to cry, scream, anything, but it's not because I am taking it well.

Honestly, my fear of phonecalls... I wish I had a personal secretary who would phone the police and check up on the case for me, or book me doctor's appointments. I wish I had someone to speak for me, because I don't know how.

NK, yes I know that feeling  well. I think that's one of the reasons I strive for consistency. I don't want to be her. A smile that can slip off unveiling her true face. Dollyvee, that too. Being invisible is being safe. Status quo.

Breathing is a scary, will try that.

[storyworld]

That's really hard. My daughter gets pretty intense anxiety when making phone calls. For her, it's likely due to sensory challenges (unable to see facial expressions, etc., over the phone) rather than trauma. But just sharing to say, I understand how challenging that can feel.

[Kizzie]

I am so sorry you were hit Bermuda.  I'm sure you have some bruises but nothing broken, no lacerations I hope?

I have no idea if this will be helpful but my way of dealing with a whirling mind is to make a list or table of what I need to do.  We had a home inspection a couple of days ago and the inspector found a list of things from important (but quite doable) to unbelievably picky. The home buyers pulled out of the deal.

It will require action on my and my H's part.  Mixed in with the to do list are feelings of upset because we have things to do before we put it back on the market. It's not traumatic per se but quite upsetting.

So, I made a table of what needs doing and that helped me organize my whirling thoughts which brought down my emotions somewhat. The list is not nearly as bad as it seemed at first.  Also, my H and I talked about how upsetting this whole selling our house thing is, dealing with things that pop up you don't see coming, and packing up and that also helped. We still have to "get er done" but I am feeling better going forward.

It's not the same thing as being hit I know, I just thought I'd put it out there as one way that might help you.  What happened to you was pure trauma I know, I was just thinking of having to get in touch with the police, getting checked out physically and buying a new bike, etc. It's layered on top of the trauma or vice versa, so taking some control back might help?

In any case big warm but ever so gentle    and hope you feel better soon.

[Bermuda]

Thanks Kizzie, I am feeling less busy in my mind as I have been busier in my body. I did call the doctor finally. They think I have broken ribs, and sent me immediately to an XRAY. I'll get my results in the next couple of days. It was so stressful, all the things that I find nearly impossible to do. I sent a message online instead of call, and they said they wanted to see me, and so I called them for a call-back, they called me, but I missed the call, and they called again later, then mid-call the call dropped. They called back again, and when I came in they sent me directly to the emergency area. I was sitting there under flourescent lights with this ventilation fan blowing loudly surrounded by elders. Then I saw a nurse, who send me across to the doc because my oxygen saturation was low, and then the doc immediately booked me for an XRAY across town, so I had to rush home to get my bike and cycle across town to get to this XRAY place on time, and it was another horribly scary environment, basically looked like an elderly care centre. I lost my gloves, probably in the XRAY room, and I was not going to go back to retrieve them and had to cycle home in the freezing cold without gloves and my leg cramped up... I finally got home, kids already home from school and straight into mama mode.

They asked me all the triggering questions. "On a scale of one to ten..." 2. "Have you been resting?" ... "Are you taking pain relief?" I have to be up and alert to take care of my kids. "Well, you know rest is important too"

I don't really have the energy to be questioned, and these questions are so hard for me. I don't go to the doctor because I can't meet their expectations. Everyone I spoke to thought my rib was broken and it took me ten days to come in, and yet I still feel ridiculous for even being there. Clearly, I should be resting.

The police report looks positive. The police or continuing with criminal action, and at least right now it doesn't sound like I need to do much. I found the recept for the bike, 5000k eur. I got a stamped slip saying it can't be repaired. I pick up my new bike tomorrow, it's a great bike, and the shop modified it to fit my short legs. I should be happy. I know I am quite privileged.

I started a sewing project that I was really excited about. I am just cutting the fabric, but it's beautiful. I should be happy, but I feel glum and like I am on the set of Pet Semetary walking through the mist.

I realise I am whining and dragging this thread into the mud.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for the replies. I honestly don't know, Storyworld. I think how blueberry describes her reactions seem reasonable. I feel unreasonable. I don't feel the trauma at all. I frantically brush everything aside. I have no urge to cry, scream, anything, but it's not because I am taking it well.

Bermuda, I'm kind of sorry i wrote at all. Trauma reactions, triggered reactions, they're not "reasonable". Most of my reactions aren't either. Getting angry at drivers for (almost) running into me - it's a minuscule area in my life where I'm reacting 'normally', not because I'm reasonable or particularly emotionally healthy or anything like that but because this was probably one area where FOO didn't belittle my choices, where my parents took me out on the roads as a pretty small child on a bike and taught me how to navigate in a child-appropriate way and taught me to have self-confidence and a feeling of I-belong-here. Too bad for all the other parts of my life where they didn't and where I don't seem to be able to shift these feelings on to. otoh thank goodness I do have this area where things work, just saying so as not to complain about everything.

The way you're reacting doesn't sound unreasonable to me at all, not for trauma. You're brushing aside for a reason - to feel safe(r) presumably.

Even realising what's going on - which you have - is a big step!!

I understand wishing somebody would take over with police calls etc.

   

[Blueberry]

The police report looks positive. The police or continuing with criminal action, and at least right now it doesn't sound like I need to do much. I found the recept for the bike, 5000k eur. I got a stamped slip saying it can't be repaired. I pick up my new bike tomorrow, it's a great bike, and the shop modified it to fit my short legs. I should be happy. I know I am quite privileged.

I started a sewing project that I was really excited about. I am just cutting the fabric, but it's beautiful. I should be happy, but I feel glum and like I am on the set of Pet Semetary walking through the mist.

I realise I am whining and dragging this thread into the mud.

I don't think you're whining! I think you have a right on this forum - as we all do - to write the bad stuff too and that includes the bad stuff that happens now. Somebody w/o your trauma history would get through this stuff + aftermath easier. It's good to get it out, on 'paper', on forum.

We try to get feelings back as part of healing, but that includes the feelings we don't want and/or feelings we think we shouldn't have like feeling glum or not feeling as thankful      as we think we should.

I'm glad the police report looks good. Police, courts etc are 'for' you, not against you. The driver made the mistake. The bike store is 'for' you.  People these days (other than us on OOTS) can be for you  

[Bermuda]

I understand wishing somebody would take over with police calls etc.

I want a parent. I want to be parented.
I don't need a parent. I am strong.
I am so strong it hurts.

... Don't worry about what you said. I see other people reacting to things all the time. I saw the other people around me react and take action. They were able to say, "No, the driver did this." When I couldn't even consider that a possibiity.

[Kizzie]

I don't think you're whining either Bermuda, you've been through a lot and if anything you need a helping hand and comforting. I'm sending it out to the universe to give you some lovely R&R if possible. I know that's hard as a mom though but it is my wish for you if that means anything.

[Saluki]

That's absolutely awful! I'm so sorry you went though that. Drivers are such @#££&s sometimes. I don't even want to think about what @#£_&&s some drivers can be.

I'm actually in awe of your resilience. I think I know people were probably in awe of mine too, until I crashed due to desperately trying to carry on in spite of everything, quite maniacally I suppose in retrospect.

I haven't ridden a bike since I almost ended up under a bus. I think that was probably wise because I'm dizzy all the time.

You deserve to rest. Rest is allowed. Rest is important.
But I know that relentless "carry on" thing.
I think that's what's responsible for my current permanent lethargy?

You are allowed to rest. You deserve to be slow when you need to slow down.