Glad and sad to be here

[Glowworm]

Hi everyone

I am both glad and sad to be here, because the more I understand about myself the lonelier I feel and the sadder I am that CPTSD is something that so many people struggle with.

I have always felt something was up, though I couldn't put my finger on it. Superficially, my parents divorcing at 3 years old seemed to be the only thing that was amiss with my childhood. I was both wanted and loved by my mother, so why did I feel the way I did? Why was I so "troubled"? I started searching for something (anything!) as a pre-teen, jumping between various flavours of spirituality, self-help guides, medications - prescribed and otherwise, CBT and other therapies, and whatever else I could find to try to alleviate the emptiness. But nothing helped. Not really.

After a tumultuous period of becoming aware of the cracks in my relationship with my mother and then diving headfirst into a tumultuous relationship, I started seeking help again. Luckily, a few months ago I found my current relational trauma-informed therapist, whose gentle guidance led me to subsequently find Pete Walker's CPTSD book. I wept over the words that seemed to be written about me. I finally felt seen. I finally had a reason for how I am and how I feel.

I have been devouring information - Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Peter Levine's In an Unspoken Voice and I'm currently busy with Waking the Tiger, Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication, and I have just started to work my way through Suzette Boon et al's Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation (having realised how much of my behaviour is dissociation).

About two months ago I started to unravel as some repressed and deeply internalised trauma from my teenage years surfaced and refused to be pushed back down again. After 20 years of carrying the secret around with me I finally told my therapist (experiencing the most intense emotional reaction I have ever experienced), then my partner, and finally, a good friend. I am currently on a rollercoaster, holding on for dear life. All the emotions that have been blunted and numbed through years of repression and dissociation-related compartmentalising have decided this is their moment. I am so easily triggered. When I resurface from the numb disconnect, every cell in my body is flooded with intense sensation and I soon tip back into dissociation. It's exhausting. It's confusing.

Sometimes I long to press pause and catch my breath.

[kittenintheyarn3]

I just want to encourage you where I can. I can only speak for myself, of course but after about fifteen years of working through things, the dissociation has finally stopped. I am still working on the getting triggered easily... but I have hope that this, too will one day disappear as I continue to process things. You're NOT alone. I relate to many things you have said. And I'm sending love your way, from one survivor to another.

[Blueberry]

A warm welcome to the forum Glowworm (love your name)

I hope you feel the loneliness ebb on here, because we understand it - trauma, dissociation, loneliness.

I'm kind of sick atm otherwise might write more   

Welcome kittenintheyarn too

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

I am glad you have a therapist, and others you have been able to share things with. And although it is hard to deal with trauma when new facets of it emerge unexpectedly, I believe that our brains do not allow such things to surface until we are ready to cope. It may not feel like you are ready, and I am sure everyone here understands that. But I think you are, and I am glad you found us.

[Papa Coco]

Welcome Glowworm,

I am no stranger to that crushing loneliness, nor am I a stranger to the chaotic emotions after finally addressing the past. It seems to be how this CPTSD runs its course. I'm very glad you found this forum. The people here are kind and compassionate. We don't have to go through this confusion and loneliness alone anymore.

I hope being on the forum can help in any way to bring some peace.

[Lakelynn]

Great find Glowworm!

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

I have a companion book Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People. It came into my life at just the right time.

Your tenacious search for healing and understanding is the result of wanting to be well. Accessing long buried trauma with a competent informed trauma therapist is a rare gift.

Keep holding on. The roller coaster slows down first and then eventually stops. You can do it! You've done it so far. Keep it up!

[Glowworm]

Thank you all so much for your warm welcome and words of encouragement. It is a great comfort to know you are all there. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Glowworm. We totally understand the sadness, grief and the rollercoaster ride here as most of us have been through it. Having been through it one suggestion I have is to take things slowly if you can because we do repress so much and if it surfaces too quickly it can lead to feeling very overwhelmed. I wanted to rip the bandaid off when I first learned I had CPTSD and learned very quickly it was too much, that there was a good reason so much was buried.

Just my thoughts of course.  Hope being here helps!

Kizzie 

[Obsidian]

Welcome Glowworm
I can really relate to life feeling like a rollercoaster and holding on for dear life. I understand how difficult and exhausting going through repressed trauma is.. along with dissociation and intense emotions after.

I hope your rollercoaster has slowed down a bit if it can
Thanks for sharing the books you've read. I hope you find support on this website.

[Dalloway]

Hi,
I joined this group very recently but I really liked your introductory post. I can relate to the things you are describing. CPTSD for me was always kind of a way of life, I always thought that it will never end, it is something that swallows you sometimes and you cannot see the beginning and the end of it, it is so timeless. Sometimes I am trying to imagine myself not being in this state,´cured´ and free of this fog but in fact it is so hard because I have always known just this mental state and cannot imagine myself without it. It´s not easy but there´s always hope.
P.S. I read the books you mentioned, they are real gems and can also recommend the work of Bruce D. Perry and Gabor Maté. Their works helped me a lot and that´s an understatement