Hate them? Love them?

[Blueberry]

In one of those conferences I was listening to a while back, I heard that one key to healing from FOO stuff is to admit to yourself that you love your parents. So I'll just change that to 'we': We love our parents because it is the natural thing to do. What we usually hate is the way they treated us and likely continue to treat us. Not allowing ourselves to admit that we love them, holds us back from healing.

Just writing some of that makes me want to reach for a vomit button we don't have, but at the time I heard it, it made a lot of sense actually. So I'll reword it: It's OK for me to think and write that some Parts in me love my parents. It's natural for babies and small children and even older children to love their parents. It's even natural for teens behind a veneer of 

This gem came from Candace Van Dell, I think. I wasn't too impressed with some other things she (if it was her) said, things that told me she was in her head, not her feelings. So maybe it's the same with the first para here too.

Free for discussion if anybody wants to.

[Little2Nothing]

Blueberry, I think, despite all the abuse, that I did love my mother. I know I desperately wanted/needed her to love me. Over time my love for her began to wane. I never wanted anything bad to happen to her, but neither did I feel any empathy when something went wrong in her life. 

I believe that even the attachment between a mother and child can become cold after years of abuse and neglect. Having said that I still, even today, wish I had felt loved by her. I don't believe I hate her, I just am ambivalent about her. 

I also believe it is impossible to have a relationship with anyone, mother and father included, if it is obvious that they care little for you. It takes more than giving birth to make someone a parent and I believe the mother child bond can be severely broken through abuse. Though I'm not sure it can be completely broken, hence my continued desire for her to love me. 

[Lakelynn]

Yikes Blueberry! Talk about a findmuck! I just hate it when some of that is passed off as gospel truth to people who have suffered their entire lives!

Thank you for bringing this up. It may have a microscopic element of truth, after we scrape off the vomit, but I'm thinking no. Our "love" meant we could not have survived without them, and as such, we wanted to keep living, and design a narrative which left us feeling good with that connection we couldn't do without.

I will agree, some part perhaps felt "good things" occasionally, randomly or intermittently. What to call it? Whatever you want.

Maybe I'm out in left field here. I never felt loved by my M, and never wanted love from her either, only protection. How can you want something from a person who is incapable?

Along those same lines of feeling utterly betrayed, I read something by Martin Seligman in one of his Happiness books. He completely invalidated the idea that so many people could have adverse childhood experiences, which resulted in ongoing physical and mental problems. He used the term "victimization" as though anyone who experienced this wanted to be on the "in crowd."      Up until this point, I liked Martin, and thought his work was feel-good, something to strive for.

I returned the book and am wiser now.

[NarcKiddo]

I don't believe I hate her, I just am ambivalent about her.

I have heard it said that the opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. I am at the stage where I am (I think) striving for indifference. Hatred, anger, pain, guilt etc are such corrosive emotions. I have lived with them for over half a century and it has to stop.

As for loving my parents. Oof. If I bestow on them what they taught me to believe love is, that might be a fitting punishment.

I am not a believer but was brought up in a supposedly Christian household. "Love thy neighbour as thyself." I could argue that I do love them on that basis, given I do not wish them harm. But then, if I do not love myself (and I certainly never learned to do that as a child and am only exploring it now), how can I love my parents?

[woodsgnome]

It still seems so odd, this cultural 'norm' about naturally loving one's parents, no matter what.  Along with the forgiveness at all costs trap, where to forgive in a certain accepted way is all important. It feels almost as if, okay, as it's a cultural norm, go ahead and dive in, even if it's just a meaningless, almost stupid, endeavour. That all seems less about love than just performing an act that seems nice, yet meaningless in real life.

I feel totally ambivalent about the parents now, and have come to regard my time with them as just a temporary journey where we somehow ended up on the wrong bus together. Fortunately the trip ended, with no forgiveness, and no love lost, as there hadn't been any that I ever felt. Now driving my own bus, I've found more loving ways to live, so don't miss the old trip. Sadly, I still can resent it, hate it, but none of it involves hatred, just a wounded ambivalence.

I find it disappointing how many therapists and self-help gurus seem to fall in line with their peers who play the 'it's-your-own-fault' game. One noted author has made a name for herself by labelling people like us as living in their own self-made 'woundology', as she calls it. From there it's just one small step to the 'just get over it' taunt we know so well. Blaming the victim, yet again. And yet I've read others who rave about her brilliance at having come up with this sort of insult disguised as brilliant self-help.

I once obtained a book with a most promising title -- 'The Spiritual Advantages of a Wounded Childhood' (or something along those lines). The author's first chapter's theme -- you must always forgive. Maybe the rest of the book turned out okay, but I immediately tossed it away and haven't seen it since.

So I guess I'd never score well in the forgiveness game. Maybe it's because I don't see it as meaning much, if anything in most instances. Doesn't mean I hew to the hatred 'opposite' of love. I'm fine with remaining ambivalent and living this life, not the one before. Uh-oh; maybe that means I'm just living in a state of 'wounology'? Even there, my preference is for a chuckle instead of a rant (see above for that LOL).   

[Blueberry]

Talk about a findmuck!

 

I like that word

[Blueberry]

I don't believe I hate her, I just am ambivalent about her.

I have heard it said that the opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. I am at the stage where I am (I think) striving for indifference. Hatred, anger, pain, guilt etc are such corrosive emotions. I have lived with them for over half a century and it has to stop.

I'm getting closer to indifference too, but not always.

The reason I liked what I heard (see my first post on this thread) is that it seems to give different parts of me permission to feel differently, hold opposing views so to speak. It helps me understand why it feels hard to let FOO go completely. Why part of me still cares, that kind of thing, and even yearns. Also that it's OK to still have these parts because it is natural for a baby or child to love his/her parents, in the way that any mammal does, I presume. 'Natural' in the sense that 'Mother Nature' / biology programmed it in for survival.

To be clear, I didn't pick up on any 'must' and certainly no forgiveness-is-part-of-love.

[Lakelynn]

have come to regard my time with them as just a temporary journey where we somehow ended up on the wrong bus together.

I really like that perspectve woodsgnome.

Blueberry, I am always gratified when people laugh at my invented words.

NarcKiddo, I agree that indifference is the opposite of love. A true disconnection and separation. Hatred still binds.