How do you cope with anger?

[Gromit]

My NM made contact this week, sending money to my kids for Easter, for the first time ever. Kids are 21 and 18 years old.

I knew I was unsettled but didn't know how angry I was until the week wore on and I was feeling it all over as I discovered others peoples mistakes and misunderstandings at work. I didn't shift it until I was able to go to a class and have a day off from my part time office job.

Then I remembered how I was last year, I was scammed when I was at work and, aside from the fear I felt at being so foolish, I had this anger which came out in all the wrong directions, at people parking illegally etc. it felt the same inside.

I feel somewhat ashamed of being angry and frustrated in the wrong direction, although, I find it unbelievable the mistakes which get made out there in the real world. I cannot contact my NM, I have not been in contact with her since 2008. Plus, she would not understand she has so little awareness.

I saw my counsellor after the mail had been opened and told her all about it but the anger, whilst there, had not really taken hold of me at that point.

Has anyone any tips? I cannot always get to a class. Maybe screaming into a pillow but I can't get over myself to do that.
Obviously I feel pleased that I have recognised what is going on in me and anger is better than other things as long as it has a safe outlet.

G

[NarcKiddo]

Physical exercise is my go to. Because I know it helps I can usually keep a lid on my anger until I can get to the gym, which is pretty much every day if I want. Screaming into a pillow has never been my thing, although battering tantrum fists into my mattress can work at a pinch. If I am really desperate I might do some very physical housework like mopping and polishing tiles. I have to be desperate, because housework does not fill me with any kind of joy. Maybe ripping up brown cardboard boxes might help? And stamping them flat first. I've not tried that because I usually have other outlets. But at least it just looks like you are dealing with the recycling if anyone catches you. 

It sounds weird to say I am sorry your mother sent money to your children. But it is just the kind of dysregulating trick they love to pull out of the blue. I'd have been angry in your position.

[Gromit]

It sounds weird to say I am sorry your mother sent money to your children. But it is just the kind of dysregulating trick they love to pull out of the blue. I'd have been angry in your position.

I don't think anything is weird here. Outside in a world with people who are not dysfunctional, it may seem weird, but that is why I bring it here.

Whilst my husband feels sorry for my lonely mother, he thought she had some cheek doing it and says she made it sound as if we kept our children away from her.

Thanks for the suggestions, some house work or gardening might help or my son's weights, or a class. Old fashioned bottle banks used to be great for smashing glass in a good cause.
G

[Chart]

Hi Gromit, How about writing a trash letter that you know you will not send? It could be triggering, but writing a savage "anger-letter" might 'get the anger out'. After, see what feelings come up (if you're okay with working with that). I'm split on this sort of thing as sometimes it triggers me worse. I write a lot, but rarely go back and reread what I wrote. But anger has a way of sticking around, so for many reasons I think you're right to look for ways to vent it in a healthy manner, i.e. not taking it out on those around you that you care about or have work relationships with.

[Cascade]

Hi Gromit,
I'm not sure what to say about getting the anger out, except that you're awesome for recognizing where you are and that you do need to express it in a safe way.

One thing I'm curious about:  How did your kids react to receiving the money?  I know when I was their age and got money from my grandparents at Christmastime, I almost depended on it like income.  They had always done that, though, unlike your situation being out of the blue.  And how much have you shared with your kids about your struggles and recovery?

Maybe your therapist could help you prepare to talk about this directly with your kids, so your anger doesn't overflow onto them.  If they see her for what she is, that might be one piece of dissipating the anger.  They are young adults now, and it might be an opportunity for them to learn processing skills, too.

Just wondering... you're the one who knows your family!
   -Cascade

[Kizzie]

I so know that anger that flashes to the surface when the N pulls some sort of new manipulative behaviour - like sending money because they are lonely.  It overtakes us because most of us didn't get to express it and had to shove it down into deep dark places where it resides until something re-ignites it. 

I don't know if you've read Pete Walker's book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" but he talks about our need to let ourselves be angry - yelling into/beating up a pillow, screaming in your car whilst driving alone, writing a letter that expresses your feelings, talking it through in therapy, ranting here too - anything that releases and defuels it. IMO the trick is to embrace that part of us with compassion and understanding that of course we are angry, and that underneath that is a lot of grief and sadness for what we went through. 

  

[Gromit]

One thing I'm curious about:  How did your kids react to receiving the money?  I know when I was their age and got money from my grandparents at Christmastime, I almost depended on it like income.  They had always done that, though, unlike your situation being out of the blue.  And how much have you shared with your kids about your struggles and recovery?


Just wondering... you're the one who knows your family!
   -Cascade

She does actually send them money at birthdays and Christmas so they are aware. Never before at Easter. They read her notes in the cards, they know who she is from them.
My DD was pleased to have money, sent a thank you note, omitting to mention anything about visiting. My DS is away at Uni. Not sure what he thinks about it all.

G