Infancy trauma - any others can relate??

[johnram]

Hi all,

As part of my recovery i have discovered via EMDR and other things, that one of my biggest trauma, likely my biggest was in infancy.  My mother was post natal when i was born, and that quickly developed into schizphrenia (and i had to be there - not loved, not cared for, and abandoned as she got worse and worse).  My dad was not around much / he isnt a father anyway. 

I share this, as its very difficult to capture such early trauma, to really feel it, although i am trying. 

Wondering if others have had infancy trauma that they recall and have resolved / or i mean worked through and have any comments / advice??

thanks

[Bach]

I can relate all too well.  My mother got pregnant to manipulate my father, and because that didn't work out the way she expected it to, she started resenting me and not wanting me before I was even born, and I became the scapegoat for everything wrong in her life from then on.  I don't know for sure what she did to me when I was an infant of course, but I've put together what I can of it from family photos and documents, information from other family members and family friends, extrapolation from things I remember from later in my childhood, and some devastating flashbacks.  I can't say that I've resolved it, but knowing about it has certainly been very helpful in informing my therapy and my understanding of my symptoms.  I have recently begun working with a practitioner of Somatic Experiencing because although the cognitive therapy I have been doing for many years has been very helpful, I feel that I've reached a bit of an impasse with it.  I chose Somatic Experiencing as a complementary therapy because the concept that I have trauma stored in my body that cannot be released through talk alone makes a lot of sense to me.  I am hopeful that this will help me progress further, but also rather afraid it will be yet another thing I will try that seems so promising in the beginning but turns out to be dead end.

[Armee]

I'm very interested in how it works to come to understand and resolve early infancy trauma. I don't have any insights but relate to both your posts, not exactly, but similar.

My mom was mentally I'll. Dx is bipolar but I really suspect it was schizoaffective disorder. She was very depressed, very anxious, often nearly catatonic, and traumatized too. I think. But she told so many lies big and small I don't even know about that part anymore. I know watching her with my own kids she had no idea how to interact with or mirror a baby and instead would amp up their distress 100 fold. She was irritable and rageful and unpredictable and while I don't have my own memories what my sister tells me, it would have been a very distressing environment. I do know I wanted nothing to do with her and couldn't look at her or stand to be touched by her as a kid and till the very end.

My father was not there i never knew him but the stories are that he was an abusive alcoholic and drug addict who left home at 14 and that he tried to kill my mom while she was pregnant with me and stole everything including my sister's baby photos when he left and would threaten to kidnap us. But now I just have no idea which pieces are true. Some are, some probably aren't.

She apparently stayed with my grandparents the first 3 months of my life and then we moved away. I loved my grandparents so much. They are what saved me when things really went haywire with my mom when I was a bit older.

I'm not sure if you all have watched videos of the "still face" experiments but that really made me feel like yes that is what was happening.

[woodsgnome]

I used to think if I could figure it all out, I'd find a sense of peace about what happened. All I know now is that I don't want to know any more. It was all senseless then, and remains so today.

I've found it's impossible to disavow all the emotional and physical remnants from extremely early abuse on the part of the m. I've found that trying to return there, even for the purposes of ironing out the m's motivations, are useless with regards to making me feel better about what happened and/or why.

I've tried various approaches over a number years, but all it accomplished was to wear me down further. Instead of understanding anything I just felt the memory was keeping me stuck in some world I can't fathom. It just hurts too much.

Obviously it's still a major wound, or I wouldn't be responding.
Other than that, I keep working on where I'm at, instead of trying to recapture what happened in an awful time I can't wish away, but will have to leave it at that.

Sorry if I wasn't able to offer much encouragement; just my experience. Perhaps you'll do better with this. 

[dollyvee]

Hi John,

Thanks for posting this - it resonates with what's come up this week for me and my therapist has mentioned this in the past as well. I can see that NPD and enmeshment runs in my family, so am pretty sure there is stuff there from infancy that I'm only beginning to realize. I feel this deep sense of panic when ppl get too close or sometimes just around ppl that don't feel safe in general, and I think it has to do with early childhood/preverbal stuff and how my mom was. I've also done some EMDR which was helpful. IFS has also helped me reconnect with a young part (2ish) that I had to hide away because it wasn't safe and given me access to emotional parts of myself/inner workings that I couldn't identify before.

Also, I have been doing a certain type of Tibetan meditation which has been surprisingly helpful to settle some emotions. I'm still working on that "underlying feeling" though which I think probably comes with this type of trauma, that there's something there but you don't know how to verbalize it.

Bach - I hope that goes well for you. I found my limits with cognitive therapy as well and started seeing an EMDR therapist which opened up some new doors for me.

dolly

[marti.325]

After some time in Somatic Experiencing I had a deep raging cry that was definitely, I just felt it in my body, from infancy. My brother had told me that Mother let me cry myself to sleep. Really convenient for her that that was the advice at the time. Don't know if she did that with my elder siblings. I trust my body to tell me what happened. After all the healing I've had, and my life expanding, I continue to have friendships that are not satisfying and no one really close. It's frustrating. I have a sinus headache today because of it.

[Chart]

I know this is an old thread but I so relate and want to reference and possibly get "updates" from the folks who've posted here. So I'm gonna continue here...

So yes, I pretty much suffered strictly and only infancy trauma.
This is what I've been told:
TW
Punched in-utero. First four years of life listening and witnessing, physical, verbal and psychological abuse of my biological father directed at my mother and older sister. Once "kicked" out of the way by my bio-father. After about four years my mother got a lawyer and my father left. Almost never saw him again. My mother remarried, a decent guy, good enough father. Totally non-violent. Emotionally limited, but deeply caring nonetheless.

I resonate most with Woodsgnome: Things seem to have only gotten worse for me as time and "knowledge" has accumulated. Discovering Cptsd was relieving at first, but paradoxically my symptoms have actually gotten worse!!! I'm totally bedridden outside of two fundamental demands: work/financial demands (this means I have to go to work so I go to work) and taking care of my daughter one week out of two. But both of these things are extremely difficult for me. I feel like I am just barely holding it together. Suicidal Ideation comes up a lot. But I CANNOT inflict that on my three kids, especially the youngest who is 11 and would be certainly severely traumatized by such an event. Not to mention the pain that my action would reverberate amongst family and friends. Complicated, but destructive for others for sure.

So now I'm wondering what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I am as utterly lost as I have ever been. I literally don't know what to do except doing as little as possible. I live on this forum. I literally live on this forum. I keep rereading stuff, I keep rereading my own posts, I keep searching in old posts. It's very hard to finish Pete Walker's book. It's very hard to cook and clean. I know I should take a bike ride, but I am just too terrified. I went back on antidepressants for a week, but that just exploded my anxiety. I am now on no drugs whatsoever except caffeine. I am really really lost. I was in therapy but I have stopped for several reasons. I've made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I know this might be a mistake. But I don't know what else to do. I have very very little support. This forum has almost become my only support. I try to participate and support others but I feel I'm not that good at supporting others right now. Maybe that's my inner critic. It's just everything is so very hopeless inside of me right now. Finding a trauma informed therapist where I am located is nearly impossible. I've thought about trying to find someone online and doing it by zoom or Skype or whatever. The problem is I'm scared it's so little, so infrequent, and costs money. So taking that decision is really hard. I also know just how ineffective talk therapy is. When what I really need right now is to be held, hugged, loved by the woman I broke up with eight months ago. I so desperately need to be loved. And I so deeply feel utterly unworthy of being loved. And I so utterly feel hopeless. I'm so sorry, I just had to get all this out. Thank you for reading, thank you for listening. Any hope you can pass along will be greatly appreciated. I am managing to meditate a little, but I call it "desperation-meditation". I've no idea how effective it is...

[dollyvee]

Hi Chart,

I've come to understand a bit more how this stuff shows up in me a bit more over the past few years. A recent revelation has been Healing From Developmental Trauma both the first book and the Practical guide. It deals with the connection survival type which very much relates to infancy trauma. Perhaps it might help in understanding the foundations of what you're experiencing a bit more. He has a very good explanation of "impending doom" and where that comes from when you tried to resolve things as an infant with no resources.

I've also recently started seeing a NARM therapist, which sort of hits straight to the core of issues, but can also just leave one feeling a bit sark and heavy. It's only been a month, so waiting to see how it goes.Most of the infancy stuff is also preverbal, so emotions etc coming up for me often don't have a logical/thinking component which I rely on, so I think I sort of spin out with stuff like that.

I'm sorry you're going through so much at the moment and hope you can find some space with that.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Chart]

Thanks Dollyvee, I was just at the point of ordering that very book 2 or three days ago. I haven't ordered it yet because I'm still trying to finish Pete Walker's book and a book by Siebern Fisher and Neurofeedback. Narm therapy is also something I looked at recently. But I'm in France and I'm pretty sure there's nothing anywhere close to being a Narm trained therapist even as close as Paris. As mentioned I could try to do something online but at the moment I have absolutely no willpower and no idea how to even go about getting that going. I'm just riding out the storm at the moment. Thanks for your feedback, it does help. If you can keep me posted about Narm therapy.

[Blueberry]

I am as utterly lost as I have ever been. I literally don't know what to do except doing as little as possible. I live on this forum. I literally live on this forum. I keep rereading stuff, I keep rereading my own posts, I keep searching in old posts. ... This forum has almost become my only support. I try to participate and support others but I feel I'm not that good at supporting others right now. Maybe that's my inner critic. ...  When what I really need right now is to be held, hugged, loved by the woman I broke up with eight months ago. I so desperately need to be loved. And I so deeply feel utterly unworthy of being loved.

Me again. I'm responding to this because I hear you, hear your desperation. I'm not worried for your life or anything like that. We used to have a "Very Difficult Day" thread on the forum, not anymore for various reasons, but if we still had it, this post of yours would belong on it and you'd get the support mbrs can give - being read, acknowledged       
As well as reminders because it's easy to not be able to reach this knowledge when in a semi-permanent EF: Of course you are worthy of being loved; hard to believe, but this state you are in will change, it will get better, you will come back out and see that the Storm has lessened. 8-force wind is not pleasant but better and a little safer than 10-force.

Please do not feel that you need to respond to others on the forum rn, especially not in order to support others! When you are able to, you will. If you want to, an emoji is more than enough. What I'm saying is: Here on this forum, you don't have to support others in order to get support yourself when you're in a really bad way.

I also hear that in spite of everything, you are actively trying   - thinking about bike ride, doing a little meditation. It really is OK to do nothing, to just allow yourself to recuperate and rest! Other possibilities that can help: Note one Good Thing per Day. Or one instance of Joy per Day. (Or more of course.) There are threads on the forum which can give you ideas of what a Good Thing or a Joy could be. It's not positive-thinking, it's focussing the mind for a couple of minutes on something soothing, non-triggering, possibly even emotionally-strengthening for YOU. These tools are very useful for me, they may not be for you. It's also OK to ignore my suggestion - it's all OK. It is also perfectly OK to more or less live on the forum. Some mbrs don't - nice for them. Others need it. It's a support for you - use it!

[Cascade]

And as a wise person I know once said (and made me chuckle ):

well, the housework can get as bad as it likes... I don't believe housework or showers or fashionable pants heals a traumatized amygdala

From the Lack of Self-Care from Shame AND Suicidal Ideation thread


To bring this back to infancy trauma, the more I hear about post-partum depression, the more I understand how devastating it is.  My mother told my brother and me repeatedly that she experienced it with both of us.  At the time, she issued it as kind of a warning to look out for it and be prepared.  I guess she never thought it would reveal so much abuse.  I, too, imagine I was left to "cry it out on my own" as an infant.  I haven't even attempted to feel anything that occurred before my first memory of abuse at age 4, so I have to say I'm sorry for not being able to offer any advice.  I think we're all here trying to figure out how to feel our pasts and reconcile them.  Thanks for sharing your stories, everyone.
   -Cascade

[Chart]

Yeah, for sure I'm not doing any digging around in the memory banks before four anytime soon. Gonna be a long time before I have the strength for that.

[Armee]

Hi there, Chart. I want to reiterate all of what Blueberry said with a big: 

When I first grasped this trauma stuff and cptsd and this forum it was pretty much all consuming. I'd like to say for months but it was more like a few years. Use the forum as you need to and as is healing for you. At some point it might feel like too much and you might even need to take a break from the forum. There's a section for that too rather than just disappearing...a little place to say I need a break. You'll be welcomed back with open arms if you take a break and return. So please know that is ok when you need it. You can leave, come back, leave, come back. You can just write in your own journal. There are no expectations.

You asked for an update from people who have posted before on this thread. I'm still here. I'm doing well most of the time. I had not the very most severe traumas but I can say now...pretty darn bad enough, and a lot of layers of it from in utero (like you, suffering the physical abuse directed at a pregnant mother, and being left for hours to cry) and lasting until age 20 with multiple types of traumas, with some retriggering events in my 40s that unleased the full fury of cPTSD and dissociative disorders.

I am lucky to have great mental health support and a therapist dedicated to seeing this through with me and learning new tools when the existing set doesn't cut it. It's really really important to me to not pass this crap on to my children and to be a wife that my husband deserves, because he is a good person. I work crazy hard at addressing these traumas because I am hugely motivated to be ok. I don't want to be like my parents.

I have the resources and support to do this work. Sometimes I still have quite bad EFs, nightmares, flashbacks, etc. But in between those I am getting better and better. It is a slow process and for periods of time it will feel like you are getting worse not better but keep looking back at where you came from and you WILL see changes and improvement. Slow is fast...go slow. Going fast on this stuff backfires. Read a few pages of a book and put it away and do something soothing when it triggers. It will trigger.

And keep looking back at how far you've come. Even getting knocked down is progress because now you are looking at the things that need to be healed and figuring out the pieces of the puzzle, all toward becoming whole. 2 steps forward, 5 steps back, a couple steps forward, a few steps back, then a giant leap will launch you beyond your starting point.

We'll be here with you.

[Lakelynn]

Certain images or vignettes are frozen in time for me, and not accessible easily. However I will share this.

In the mid 70's I was "committed" to a state facility after a one, two, three, punch of life events in quick succession. 1. my grandmother died suddenly 2. my mother took her life a month later, 3. my husband burned our house to the ground.

I was sitting in my room, in the evening, and a male staff member wandered in. Perhaps, I called for someone, I don't remember. He sat nearby while I recounted events as an infant from my crib, particularly listening/witnessing to domestic violence and later being SA. While I have hazy memories of the content now, I was shocked to see him crying openly. 

During my life, I've had multiple admissions, that was the only involuntary one.

Now the reason it no longer bothers me, in that particular way is: while I can't say what happened, I do know it is locked up tight. I also know that is a lie, because I have times when "feelings" or auras come over me, unrelated to present day or even accessible memory, and I am in a dark place where there is no light or help of any kind.

My conclusion is: yes, terrible stuff happened. Yes, I survived and went on to lead a reasonably normal life. No needles, jail, financial devastation. I see it as a function of perhaps spiritual connection. I recognize when I go rouge with ordinary feelings, but I have enough objectivity to allow my executive to have the final say, even if it's just a whisper. That whisper is the result of 50+ years of therapy.

[Papa Coco]

Lakelynn,

I resonate with the orderly who sat by and sobbed as you told you story. I am a huge fan of empathy, as I believe it can be the greatest healing tool known to mankind. When we know someone is touched by our stories, it feels like a hug all the way to the heart.

Thank you for sharing the story here. I'm drawn in by your post. And the trifecta of things that sent you to be hospitalized, the death of your GM, your mother's act of taking her own life, and the housefire...oh my gosh, ANY ONE of those things was a trauma almost too serious to deal with. My little sister took her own life in 2008, and I have never stopped having crying fits over it. Your story is touching my heart, and I just want you to know that.

I am sorry all these things happened, but I'm glad you are open and willing to share them with us.

Know that, as today progresses, from my heart to yours, I'll be thinking about you and this post.

I'm sending you as much caring energy as I can today.