Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Papa Coco]

HA HA, Chart, StartingHealing, thanks for the wonderful responses. I'm giggling right now at reading both.

I did go up and see the kids yesterday, and I left there so proud of my son and his wife that I'm just beaming with pride at how they support and love their children. My son received an unexpected bonus check from his job, and rather than spending it on himself, he was able to provide both sons with the big-ticket items they had been yearning for. The older boy got a new computer for his studies and the younger boy got his first 1/4 midget racecar. (A glorified go cart). Both boys got exactly what they needed to pursue the lives they each want to live, but that's only where it begins. My son and his wife take interest in the activities. They help support with their time and energy also.

I wish I had thought to video record the act of the family putting the 10 Year old into his go cart. This is a race ready car that will be racing on our fairgrounds race track by July. First. the boy pulls the car out to the street on a cart. Then I watch as my son picks up the heavy end where the motor his, and his wife picks up the lighter end. They move it to the street and lower it down. My grandson squeezes himself in, while his dad and mom fuss with his safety harness. He's talking with them about how tight it is or needs to be. Dad is handing him the steering wheel, while Mom is tightening up his heavy helmet. They're a fully functional pit crew. When everything is installed and tight. Mom goes out to the intersection by the house, while Dad pushes the car to get it started. Meanwhile the Grandson has told me what his route is going to be. The car fires up to life, (It's a nice, mufflered quiet car), and the run begins. Dad's recording it on video and Mom's spotting traffic. The neighborhood supports it because he only makes one run, and doesn't exceed the speed limit. Some of the neighborhood kids even try to keep up on their bikes. When he returns, they all help get him out of the car again.

I'm nearly in tears watching how my son and his wife support their two boys. They are the pit crew. The boys are kind, compassionate, self-assured but not arrogant in any way. They share their joy. The family shares in the fun. I have never been into race cars, but this year, I intend to spend a lot of weekends at the track, hopefully, maybe I can even become a part of the pit crew.

I grew up in a family where I was expected to support everything my parents were into, but they didn't have to support anything I wanted. Not even a Flipping musical instrument. I BEGGED to learn to play anything. My dream was a piano, but when I got the invite to join school band, I told mom I'd settle for any musical instrument, no matter how small or cheap. NOPE Mom's reply was that she didn't have any desire to have to drive me to band on rainy mornings, and that she just knew I'd fail and she'd be stuck with whatever instrument she'd have been forced to buy me.

Spending time with a family that loves each other so much that they bend their own schedules to support each other was such a joy. I'm so, so, so proud of my son and his wife, I just can't stop thinking about it.

So...from the ashes of my own experience, I can see the beauty in what I'm witnessing. A family that supports each other. There isn't an arrogant bone in any of them. They are all supportive of each other and they are all having fun just being together.

I predict my two grandsons won't feel the need to join a trauma forum when they grow up.

----

I woke up at 3 am this morning from a dream that my wife and I had decided to start a podcast. It won't happen, as my wife is quiet and introverted, but the dream was nice. I felt a real love for her for wanting to podcast with me in my dream. I tried to fall back asleep but my energy levels are just too high to sleep through. It's actually very positive. I'd rather be asleep right now, but I don't want to sedate this energy with any sleep aids. So I'm just going to stay up until my eyes get heavy again.

Yesterday, while driving up to the mountains to see the kids, I listened to a chapter from The Seat of the Soul. Zukav mentioned that spiritual based energy is freeing and creative, while physical energy is heavy and stuck. After my Quantum Energy work on Saturday, I heard those words and just said out loud, "You're right!"  It's only been 36 hours since the energy work, but for now, I'm still feeling the flow of creative juices. That's probably why I dreamt of doing podcasts. I have no intention to start a podcast, but it sure is fun to feel the energy of thinking about it right now.

I've been down and sad for so long, this is such a relief. I hope it lasts a while. I'm trying to stay focused on that teaspoon of joy that's in that barrel of misery. Like what I learned last week from what George Takei said about his dad who basically told him after being in the internment camps that survival is less about muscling through the torment and more about finding any small beauty and focusing on that little piece of beauty rather than on the mountain of misery. I'm working on myself now to really adopt that as a lifelong plan...to find the beauty, no matter how small, and focus on that for as long as I can.

[BecomingMe]

Spending time with a family that loves each other so much that they bend their own schedules to support each other was such a joy. I'm so, so, so proud of my son and his wife, I just can't stop thinking about it.

So...from the ashes of my own experience, I can see the beauty in what I'm witnessing. A family that supports each other. There isn't an arrogant bone in any of them. They are all supportive of each other and they are all having fun just being together.

I predict my two grandsons won't feel the need to join a trauma forum when they grow up.

It seems like you did an INCREDIBLE job being a kind, loving and supportive parent Papa Coco - which has also enabled your son to pass that on to his children. You fully deserve to feel pure joy at witnessing your beautiful family and hopefully acknowledging the role you played. Despite all you endured and how you continue to suffer, it seems you have continually extended love and kindness to those around you - in your family and on this forum. I'm glad to read that you can see that you are healing and that you feel such a positive effect from non-traditional practices. Like you, I try anything and some of the weirdest woo-woo things have helped me. Even if it's placebo effect (although I don't fully believe that!) I'll take it    I hope you continue to "ride this wave" for a while longer 

[GoSlash27]

Papa Coco,
 I'm so glad you found some happiness! There really is quite a lot of it to be found if you look for it. 

Thank you,
-Slashy

[dollyvee]

Tomorrow I'm going to meet a new therapist who was recommended to me by my current therapist, as someone who can do VERY intense IFS work. She has studied with Robert Falconer, who wrote The Others Within Us and she told me on the phone that our first session(s) will be to work with the part in me who is, what I call, my inner bouncer. I have an inner bouncer who, for my entire life, has tried to keep other people out of my head. Anytime I've ever tried to meditate or be hypnotized, this part pops up and distracts me. He sends me messages like, "This is stupid. Don't fall for it."  Meanwhile, I PAID a hypnotherapist to help me quit smoking or quit eating too much or to help me find my inner peace, and this bouncer keeps throwing them out of my head. I'm intrigued. I'm so glad she said that was where we'll start, so that as we work in later sessions to find more parts, he won't throw her out of my head.

Hi PC,

I'm glad you've found some energy and happiness. The time with your family sounds wonderful. As others have mentioned, having a family like that is a testament to what a great job you did.

FWIW I think energy work has a place and has helped me in the past. It didn't solve all my problems, but probably helped me along my way to doing those things. FWIW too, I'm interested to hear about your inner bouncer. I do believe in perpetrator introjects (energetically and psychologically). I'm also beginning to understand how important it is for a part of me to protect my inner world, and how connection can throw that in disarray. Probably because I had to start learning how to do it at such a young age where any and everything is big, overpowering and doesn't make sense. So, no matter how well meaning someone can be, I think they might want to "throw them out" as well because it's hard to understand that I don't have to protect myself in that way all the time etc.

Sending you support,
dolly

[StartingHealing]

PC, what wonderful events    You did good, you know?  You broke the chain     Now you are experiencing the results of that.  Congrats!  Enjoy, drink it in, let it seep into your soul. Speaking as one dad to another. 

[Hope67]

Hi PapaCoco,  It was lovely to read through your experiences in your latest journal entry - really lovely.  I very much like the thought of finding beauty in small things, and relishing that. 

I hope you are finding more of those to enjoy.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, PC, i agree w/ all of the above.  yay!  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

BecomingMe, Slashy, San, Hope, StartingHealing, Dolly,

Thanks for the hugs and kind words. I live for them. I'm not ashamed to say that positive reinforcement from people whom I respect, like you all, means a lot to me. I need it. It's so helpful. Kind responses, no matter how long or short or complex or simple, are like food for me. I need someone to tell me that I'm with friends every day. I need to hear people say nice things every day. I'm not ashamed of that.

Thanks for your comments, they mean SO much to me.

[StartingHealing]

BecomingMe, Slashy, San, Hope, StartingHealing, Dolly,

Thanks for the hugs and kind words. I live for them. I'm not ashamed to say that positive reinforcement from people whom I respect, like you all, means a lot to me. I need it. It's so helpful. Kind responses, no matter how long or short or complex or simple, are like food for me. I need someone to tell me that I'm with friends every day. I need to hear people say nice things every day. I'm not ashamed of that.

Thanks for your comments, they mean SO much to me.

Any time my friend   Wishing you and yours all the best.

[Papa Coco]

Very quick note: I don't know why but I'm feeling sort of crazy today. I have to be careful to not write too much because I go into nonsense very quickly. I don't drink, and I haven't used any supplements or sleep aids lately. Only some ADVIL to handle my chronically aching knees. The sun came out here today. I mean...really came out. We went from parka weather to convertible-top-down weather in two days. The news said today was the warmest day we've had in 8 months. (Seattle area).

I've been getting really good traction on my parts work for IFS therapy. Maybe my inner children are all coming out to play and making me feel sort of overwhelmed mentally.

I just wanted to post something somewhere to keep myself involved in the community. I really cherish this community, so even when I feel too crazy to write coherently, I still want to put my voice in to make sure I'm still involved.

You are my community, and I don't want to put any distance between myself and y'all.

I hope the best for everyone.

Thanks for reading this silly little post.

[Chart]

 

[PaperDoll]

Thank you for your post Papa Coco. The sun is shining where I am too 

[StartingHealing]

PC,

I feel ya. There are times that languaging is difficult. Attempting to put into words, into text, what ideas, concepts, dare I say emotions, because at times while words help in expression, there are times that the wording, the language, are through a foggy glass darkly.

Wishing you all the best

[natureluvr]

Papa Coco, the fact that your son and his wife and children have such a healthy and happy family is a testament to your recovery.  It shows that you managed to break the cycle of abuse, which is a huge accomplishment!  The story of the race car inspiring. I can so relate to begging your parents to have a musical instrument.  I had similar experiences.  My mom gave me the exact same excuses yours did!  Wow.  I love your wisdom of focusing on the moments of joy and beauty, rather than the mountain of misery.  Excellent.

Several times your supportive posts on my threads have touched me deeply and brought me to tears of gratitude.  Thank you for being here.

 

[NarcKiddo]

I loved the race car story! So fun.

And I am glad to read that the sun is out and that your inner children are all coming out to play and having jolly good fun. And of course when a huge bunch of children are having a glorious time they still need big Papa C to be the pit crew and mind that nobody hurts themself. So I totally get why you might be feeling a bit spaced out! You keep an eye on those inner children and enjoy their antics.