Forging New Paths

[sanmagic7]

personally, blueberry, that's kind of a pet peeve for me, asking me if it's ok if something's not going to go the way i wanted or expected.  i'm glad you were in a good enough place for it to be ok, tho.

i like this meditation/music stuff for you.  it sounds like, at times, it's very helpful. interesting that when the time shift was off, so was the meditation.  hope you can figure it out.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I'm referring to this post of mine from a Conversion disorder thread:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15572.msg141952#msg141952

As I request at the bottom of that linked post, please put any conversation, comments, validation etc on that final post of mine over HERE on my Recovery Journal so as not to derail the very important topic of Conversion Disorder. Or if not really directed to me and my experience but rather your own experience, please consider using your own Journal or similar so as not to derail my Journal - you'll want responses/validation to your experience among your own writings. Thank you kindly.


So my reaction this morning to my post      on the imagery that turned up. That's all I want to write for the moment.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your care, san.

I wanted to write a little more on the meaning of those images for me, but words fail me, thoughts fail me. There's nothing there. Or rather brain fog.

I know some FOO stuff was weaving in and out of my dreams last night and after I woke up this morning, I was planning things to say to B1, actually on a different topic. Not that I will say or even write anything of the sort to him, but it's a sign for me.

Actually I have quite a lot to do today, so starting would probably actually help me. Though getting up was a challenge. However, I have taken my first meds and done my meditation. Some days I genuinely look forward to getting up and doing my meditation. Not quite so enthusiastic today, but at least the idea that I would be doing my meditation before everything except first meds at least helped me get up. I got up before 9am too. Before I started doing daily meditation, I often didn't make it out of bed on Saturdays before noon, just so listless and exhausted.

[Blueberry]

I accomplished a lot yesterday after my difficult start. I had a good day too.
A bit sleepy and tired I suppose today, didn't get out of bed till noon. No actually probably a bit uneasy if not downright triggered about some conversations I managed to get into the past week or so. Not argumentative, but with people who don't do me good and don't notice my subtle signs that I don't want to further engage. Would be helpful to do some of my Imagination or Screen work on it.

Apart from that, there are so many things I want to write on the forum atm, mostly my own reactions to various things, progress, responses to various mbrs here on the forum, information gleaned from free webinars etc etc etc. But not able for the moment.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i understand the teeter totter thing about accomplishing a lot one day, wiped out the next.  i think you're doing a lot, and a big yay! for your meditation practice.  even if you don't do it every day, each day that you manage it means something pos. for you, and that's a good thing, right?  keep going, one foot in front of the other.  we got this.

lots to unpack in your conversion order thread. interesting. i looked it up. i can relate to some of it. love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I'm so exhausted today. It's evening and I'm just going to go to bed.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you sleep well. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope    I didn't unfortunately. Oh well.

[sanmagic7]

sorry you didn't get the sleep you wanted, blueberry.  keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I had a long nap yesterday afternoon instead, but I didn't get up in the early evening as planned, I stayed in bed. Today too till a friend came round with some flowers for me and then we wandered around my garden a bit talking about flowers and plants and some other stuff too.

Now I'm on the forum and though I have seen posts I wanted to respond too, I noticed I need the energy for me. And I'm following that  

Yesterday occupational therapy was more like art therapy. Helped me get some more clarity about something I did the other week and helped me be more forgiving to myself about it. My occ. therapist saw huge progress actually.

[sanmagic7]

hooray for the progress, blueberry.  and another hooray for the great self care.  keeping to yourself instead of responding to others, i mean.  well done!    love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thanks san   It's good I wrote it down, otherwise I wouldn't be aware of it today. On a day like today it's good to read there was progress last week.

[Blueberry]

I'm in 'give up' mode, I even went into hibernation over Christmas, just lay in bed dozing and reading and eating the edibles I got for Christmas.

I feel ashamed of giving up.

Ditto.

It is an EF though, that much I know today. If my neighbours knew... If my landlord knew... It's none of their business that my apt is total chaos or that I'm not capable of working atm. I know my feelings of shame don't have anything to do with them. With LL, it's more me feeling ashamed of what 'the powers that be' might say. He's the boss of the building, the way FOO mbrs were boss of the house when I was still a child and the way certain FOO mbrs are still boss of the workings of FOO and how that still affects me. Even though it probably "shouldn't". But it does. That's trauma.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Sending you a hug     It's a big thing that you recognise when you're in an EF.  I really hope it doesn't last too long - and that you have some better moments within it.

Hope