Stuck in shut down

[Phoebes]

I've been stuck in dorsal vagal shut down for a while. I haven't been on here. I think I wrote one discombobulated post that I deleted because I didn't even understand it myself.

Feeling overwhelmed and have events coming up I really don't want to go to. Having trouble staying true to myself and boundaries. Yesterday Myself in a situation where I once again fawned and stressing over whether or not to say something and if so, what?

I think I've just changed, for one thing, and have a hard time with other peoples projections and discomfort. This is why I isolate, I often feel uncomfortable around others. My boundaries are often crossed because I've always been a pleaser. I don't want to be like that anymore, but I struggle to assert myself in a functional way. Then I just shut down and isolate and people think I've ghosted them.

Why can't I just tell them how I feel and let the chips fall where they may? That is just a terrifying notion to me, unfortunately.

[Kizzie]

Aww Phoebes, so sorry to hear this. Here is one place you don't need to feel different or uncomfortable. It can be difficult and frightening when you are shifting into a person who is not as prepared to be a people pleaser.  We're OK with you changing so post away and let us reinforce that it's OK and then maybe you can carry that out into your life and it won't be quite as unsettling.

I hope a hug is OK.   

[Phoebes]

Thank you Kizzie. I've been maintaining through challenges, but some harder situations have come up that I'm struggling to handle better. Like a cousin who I occasionally see, but who has always been a close cousin and friend has amped up her boundary, crossing and frankly way of communicating with me that is very offputting. I think you could call it toxic positivity on steroids I can barely express a thought without her, correcting me and some sort of toxic positivity way. Then, we were out and she was talking to, some guy and she gave my number to him (since she's married). I didn't know that until later, but now I feel very violated, and like I should have called out the other stuff sooner. So now I'm overwhelmed with feeling like I have to bring this up and talk to her about it somehow. And I don't know that she's the type who can hear it.

[Blueberry]

Then, we were out and she was talking to, some guy and she gave my number to him (since she's married).

       I'm sorry she did that to you. A big boundary violation and totatlly inappropriate imo.

I didn't know that until later, but now I feel very violated, and like I should have called out the other stuff sooner. So now I'm overwhelmed with feeling like I have to bring this up and talk to her about it somehow. And I don't know that she's the type who can hear it.

I would feel very violated too. Like what the actual...?

I also remember the longish phase when I was gearing up to speak to people about their crossing my boundaries - well, tbh I'm still in that phase, but it is getting better and easier with use. So I can commiserate with the wish that I'd spoken up earlier, but with usage/practice that'll come. I would say that if this cousin means well by you, she'll accept something you want to speak up about even if somewhat 'later' than you would ideally like. Then there are people e.g. in my FOO who don't know about it 25 seconds later and not due to Alzheimer's either.

Standing by you in this phase and sending you some good old OOTS courage.

[Kizzie]

I agree with BB Phoebes, those are BIG boundary violations. The fact that you recognize that is a big step toward reminding your cousin about what is OK and not. I too think if she is trying to do well by you she will listen to what you have to say and if not it may be best to keep some distance.

WRT to feeling upset at not enforcing your boundaries, maybe think of it like this.  You feel bad when you don't so why not give it a try?  Either way you may feel bad, but IME enforcing boundaries does often feel better with practice so that's the win.

It does take a big breath in to stay true to ourselves because we have been so well trained not to speak up. I understand that it is triggering when we can't bring ourselves to enforce boundaries, or alternatively when we do enforce them and we have hurt someone or made them angry. It doesn't feel like a win either way at least at first. While it is a bit of an emotional smozzle at first, it gets better and easier in my experience.

If she doesn't hear you that's on her not you. And if that's the case, IMO it really is important to enforce boundaries or she will continue on busting them and you will continue to feel badly around her. If she does hear you then you have the chance of a more honest/authentic relationship so it's a win for both of you.

[Phoebes]

Thanks BB and Kizzie, I like the point that either way it's uncomfortable so may as well do it! I've spent way too long writing a short text out this morning. She called last night and I saw her name and froze and didn't answer. One part is the major violations of that night and the other part is more covert. She did do a little of it that night as well just the way she responds to me with toxic positivity And almost like she's correcting what I say. I think of it as she is policing my thoughts and feelings. It's bizarre because she gaslight herself and does the toxic positivity thing to herself, so of course she does it to other people, but she does it to me more. I feel like a target of sorts. When I've said things to her in the past she has been, well toxically positive. But in condescending covert way it's hard to explain. It's to the point where I already feel on guard around her. I tend to think she would not like that but then that's what this whole dynamic creates I guess. as usual, I feel responsible .

[Phoebes]

Ugh. And now I keep tweaking the text and still haven't sent it. 

[Chart]

Phoebes, if you can, do your best to be patient with yourself. Remember, cptsd means that our brains are literally wired differently, such that things that would alert someone with healthy attachment, takes us much much longer to figure out. This is not your fault. Neurologically you are not YET equipped to react in a quick, easy and/or an appropriate way. So it is great that you are aware already of the complexity of the situation and you are taking the time necessary to work it out for the best. I say bravo. Keep up the work. Doing it means it will get easier with time.
 

[Blueberry]

I get that too (that is, still tweaking and not sending the post). I also tend to take a while psyching myself up to send something. In the end, it is good to send the thing but it's also OK to take your time and not give yourself a hassle over needing time. Maybe doing some self-soothing or self-strengthening first could help?

Maybe some of your text tweaking is good, so as not to expose too much information, especially too much information that she could use against you? It's OK to leave the text unsent for a while and then go back to it.

[Phoebes]

Yall have really helped me take a deep breath, and I could feel the tension relax. Thank you. Yes it's like I go around and around in my head and analyze the way I say everything and what exactly I say and is it exactly what I want to say and will it come across that message. And I get amped up and my head starts spinning and well. I usually feel like I've waited too long and the time has passed and then the person feels like I ghosted them. I don't want to do that. Oddly this is an important person to me so I want to handle it correctly, but I don't believe she is self-aware at all and I guess the fear is the usual fear. How the person who is unconscious of their misbehavior will react.  I can say who cares all I want but my nervous system does care apparently. Lol.

[Kizzie]

I did that too Phoebes (write and rewrite) and it's like anything, it gets easier with practice - honestly 

[Phoebes]

Well, I think I've tweaked and thought this thing to death. I can really deconstruct all  the ways c-ptsd affects this type of thing. I had weird dreams related to it all night and woke up thinking of my great grandpa of all people.

I guess I, going to Hail Mary and send this text. She has been calling, texting and instagramming every day since our gathering, but only with "had a great time" and "positive" quotes. Gaslighting much? I offer to talk to her about it later if she would like. I hope I'm not throwing myself to the dogs, but if I am,I understand that it will be her choice to force me to maintain a distance.

[Phoebes]

I did it. 

[Blueberry]

    

We're here to offer shelter         if she takes it badly and gaslights/attacks. 

[Armee]

Very good to speak up for yourself.