Hello :)

[forestedlot]

Im not exactly sure where to start... i've tried to write this probably over a hundred times now but I fear nothing will ever be good enough for me. I've always been told i'm too young to know struggle- that what I experienced could've been much worse, i'm too sensitive or making it all up, or it was my fault and I asked for it. I feel like I am not worthy or deserve to post here, like I need permission- I feel like I don't know who I am as a person, or how to begin to explain the chaos that was my upbringing. I want to commit to this instead of backing down and hiding, one of my biggest struggles is self isolation- I've never had a social support system until recently, which consists solely of my partner who is a fellow survivor... and honestly, his encouragement is the only reason I've worked up the ability to post here at all.

Finding out i'm not alone, i'm not cursed or broken, and that I can heal has revived something in me I thought had been lost completely. When I was diagnosed with BPD I felt abandoned by the medical system, but I have since learned (after years of researching trauma and it's effects) my experiences are a bit more complex than that... my journey with discovering I am a survivor of chronic abuse with CPTSD, as well as being part of a dissociated system (DID) has only really just begun- but I hope with the support of y'all I can become the best version of myself

So hello everyone, this is my first time using a forum like this- so correct me if i've made any formatting mistakes or post to the wrong board. I am a survivor of child trafficking and chronic parental abuse (my parents were not my traffickers, I have been safe from them for years)- my goal is to be able to eventually cut contact with my parents as well so I can begin to process and heal from everything I went through, as well as build a (social) support system besides just my partner.

But, I am more than just my trauma, so I feel like I should share a little about me as a person. As well as having CPTSD and BPD/DID I am also autistic, which complicates things just a bit- I have many intense interests but struggle with feeling motivated to engage in them, perhaps my most overarching are ecology and music. I also like writing poetry, collecting things (such as stuffies, spiritual items, etc), and urban exploration. I live in a camper which has been my dream since a kid, but unfortunately I am just parked on my parent's property for now until I can find an opportunity to move- I was pursuing a career in forestry before my BPD diagnosis but as a result of it dropped out of college and quit my job from the stress and shock of it all- it completely turned my world upside down.

I'll admit my toolbox isn't very stocked, and even writing this intro was a test of my ability to recognize triggers and take action before I slip into the spiral- but this time I came out on top, and I plan on making big effort to care for myself better. Recently Ive done my best to stay off social media, keep in contact with people I hope to build a better relationship with, go outside, maintain self care, read and write more; i'd like to think things are getting better, but it feels like my whole life everything I've ever cared about has been ripped out from under me. It wasn't my intention to make this so long and whiny and depressing, Im sure ill regret posting this in the morning- but ill do my best to convince myself to keep it up <3 Thank you again to everyone here, without your bravery I don't know if I would ever be able to put my pain to rest.

[Armee]

You sound remarkably strong and aware. I am sorry for what you went through. It is extremely common...nearly 100%...of people who post on this forum believe they are not worthy to post here or what happened wasn't bad enough. It's never ever true. So just welcome to you. You'll find community here and support and empathy. Honestly receiving empathy and validation from the people on this forum who have been through so much has been more healing than anything.

Take your time posting in a way that is comfortable and healing to you. And welcome we're glad you are here.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome!

Well done for writing your post. I think it's a great post, not that it would have mattered if it wasn't. It certainly does not come across to me as whiny and depressing.

It sounds like you have already taken some steps along the road to healing and I am happy about that. Here's to many more!

I have always found everyone here to be kind, helpful and supportive and I am sure you will, too. I'm glad you found us.

I wish you all the best and look forward to getting to know you more.

[Papa Coco]

Forestedlot,

Welcome to the forum. Your introduction post is perfect!  Armee and Narckiddo are correct, most of us join feeling sheepish, like we don't deserve to be here, but that's proof that we DO deserve to be here. We're here with others who share in the feeling as if our personal struggles are our fault, when in fact, our struggles were pushed onto us by people who have severely overstepped our personal boundaries and who have wrongfully convinced us that we are not worthy of being respected.

I think it's awesome that living in a camper is a dream you've always wanted, and now you're doing it. Good for you for making that dream come true!!! Keep believing in that dream, and a day will come when you can move it off your parents' property. One step at a time. It'll happen.

This community is filled with people who feel isolated even when in a crowd. Sharing that feeling of being the odd-one out is what helps us begin to feel accepted by people who are very much like us.

Your intro touched my heart in many ways. I'm glad that this community is here for you, as it is here for all of us who feel as conflicted as you describe.

As you interact with the loving and compassionate people on the forum here, you are okay to say as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. Some members (me included) tend to write long posts. Others write very short ones. Never feel like you are obligated to share what you don't feel comfortable sharing, but also don't feel afraid to say too much. The rules are pretty simple here, mostly about not being cruel to each other, not talking too much about politics and religion...stuff like that. But when we keep it in kindness, we're allowed to share what we feel compelled to share.

It's been my experience that no matter how unique I think my feelings are, when I share them with this community, the response from others proves I'm not so strange after all. We all have different backstories, but somehow, we all ended up here, and we share a LOT of similar emotions and fears. It's comforting to know others know what it feels like to be who we are today.

If you haven't read it yet, C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker, is a very good book to help us understand how we came to be who we are today. It proves that there are millions of people who feel similar to how we feel.

Welcome!

[forestedlot]

You sound remarkably strong and aware. I am sorry for what you went through.

Thank you so much <3 my self-awareness has always been an hated aspect of myself ("Why am I so aware if I cannot act?"), but it's aided me so much in healing now i'm thankful I never somehow got rid of it. And you're right, it feels good to just have support and empathy from others. In the past when i've attempted to open up about my experiences i've always been immediately bombarded with questions and criticism. Being a survivor in non-survivor centered spaces is incredibly lonely, I feel like I have to be my own news reporter to the crime I was victim too...

Welcome! I wish you all the best and look forward to getting to know you more.

Thank you!! I wish you well too, and i'm very excited to get to know everyone here and take part in y'all's journey to recovery <33

This community is filled with people who feel isolated even when in a crowd. Sharing that feeling of being the odd-one out is what helps us begin to feel accepted by people who are very much like us. Your intro touched my heart in many ways. I'm glad that this community is here for you, as it is here for all of us who feel as conflicted as you describe.

If you haven't read it yet, C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker, is a very good book to help us understand how we came to be who we are today. It proves that there are millions of people who feel similar to how we feel. Welcome!

Ah thank you! I am glad I don't have to worry about being the odd one out here- masking is exhausting when i'm supposed to be healing from the things i'm hiding. Your support means the world to me <3

Im not exactly sure if I have read it, although it's not one of the books I have physically and taken notes in- so I'll definitely give it a better read soon!! I have a whole stack of books but sometimes I like to read the same couple over and over because they give me the most comfort lol. Thank you so much for the recommendation, and ill also be going through the pages of resources here soon

Again, thank you all so much for your kindness and support <3 I don't know how to express how much it means to me!

[natureluvr]

Forestlot I love how open you are with how you struggled to write this post.  And, I totally relate to not having a support system other than a partner. I'm in the same boat!  Thank god for our partners.  And, I too have been told many times I'm too sensitive, or am exaggerating what happened to me. 

I applaud and support you for having the goal to release yourself completely from your parents.  I've been able to do this, but only just recently (3 years ago) at the tender age of 60.  My father passed 11 years ago, and my sadistic narc mom is still alive.  I'm profoundly sorry to hear that you are a survivor of trafficking. My heart goes out to you. 

Your post did not come across to me as whiny or depressing.  It came across as open, honest, intelligent, and insightful.  I suspect you will love it here - people are very supportive, and not at all judgemental. 

 

[forestedlot]

I applaud and support you for having the goal to release yourself completely from your parents.  I've been able to do this, but only just recently (3 years ago) at the tender age of 60.  My father passed 11 years ago, and my sadistic narc mom is still alive.  I'm profoundly sorry to hear that you are a survivor of trafficking. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you so much! You're incredibly kind <3 Im so glad you could escape your mother, I hate to admit even as a child it was my dream to run away and never see my parents again- so sometimes I feel guilty or conflicted, thank you for your reassurance. I am doing ok now <3 as a child I didn't really understand what was going on or the severity of the abuse, so picking up the pieces has been the hardest thing i've ever done. I would like to say a goal of mine is to get justice but i'm not sure that would ever be possible (given the specific circumstances of my scenario)- Ive decided not to poke the sleeping bear for now, it's been almost a decade since I was in contact with the organization that abused me and id like it to stay this way. On the other hand I wish my parents could pay somehow for the abuse and neglect I suffered- and I think the best way to do that would be to cut one of my mother's biggest supply off, me. Again, thank you so much for your support <33 it means the entire world to me.