Hope's Journal 2024

[Hope67]

Thank you so much Blueberry -   

30th May 2024
I had written some notes on a piece of paper - things I wanted to mention here, about things I'd read.  But for some reason I think that a part of me has hidden that piece of paper, and I just want to express my frustration that I can't find it!  I can't even remember the title of the book or the author that I wanted to mention, and now the book is no longer in the house, as I've taken it back to the library. 

Never mind.  Maybe I'll find it again at some point.

I was dreaming last night and also this past week - attending parties and I am surprised by that, as I don't tend to lead that lifestyle in my current time of life.  I tend to avoid social situations!  I'm wondering if maybe repressed things are coming up at night, and therefore my dreams reflect that at the moment.  I don't mind - it's been interesting to experience those contrasting things.  But I am surprised by it.

Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

Sorry you can't find your piece of paper right now and that you are frustrated about that.

Interesting that you are going out to parties at night (in your dreams). It does not sound as if the parties are unpleasant even if you would not choose that activity when awake.

[woodsgnome]

I seem to do likewise -- set expectations and goals and look forward to a 'someday' when it all becomes clear again  . And then -- it all goes missing  .

Frustrating, 'cause I was so sure I knew that I could bring back those items, whether they be physical objects like notes, or a certain book; or the old infamous 'mental note' when that certainty wil magically reappear.

I'm surprised and perplexed when that happens. Sometimes the surprise (I've also been having dreams a bit 'far out' lately) doesn't make much sense or bear much meaning.

Well, maybe that surprise is its own message; that in its puzzling nature it might be pointing out a new direction -- like I'm more capable of stretching my expectations.

I say this mostly because I've seemed to have encountered some surprising twists in recent years, especially in learning who I really am, beyond the stuff that happened to me (albeit certain nigtmarish dreams still float in).

Maybe a new and even odd-seeming dream works to point out that I'm more flexible than I thout. Maybe it comes in a weird dream as if it's just a pointer towards the possibility of considering a broader horizon. Maybe its just a way to keep asking questions. And maybe all the maybes are not meant to bear any messae at all; but in their surprise, it builds an awareness of a life beyond my usual, predictable fear-based anxiety.

But Im ramblind, and feel like I'm trespassing in your journal speculations. If so, I apologize. Still, I hope it's still okay to share some thoughts that floated into my being as I read your post.

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,  Yes, I think you're right about the dreams - they are ok experiences.  I was just surprised by the content.  I am glad to be having some of those dreams.  Much better than night terrors.  Definitely!

Hi Woodsgnome, I very much appreciate what you shared regarding your thoughts - thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, and I infact welcome them!  I like the idea of the possibility of considering a broader horizon.  Maybe the dreams are a pointer in that kind of direction.  Or that the sense of surprise - that it is building an awareness - that makes sense. 

     to you both, NarcKiddo and Woodsgnome. 

***********
31st May 2024
I have been considering the fact that I've mislaid the notes I made, and then I look at my environment just now and realise it's a bit disorganised - so I am planning to try to tidy up and sort through things, and then maybe I'll find some things.  If I do, that's great, but if not, the outcome will be a tidier environment. 

I'll therefore focus on that this afternoon - try to spend a minimum of half an hour up to an hour.  Then do something entirely different - and hopefully relaxing to reward myself for the sorting process.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Wow, I was tidying up, and I found the note - so, before I lose it again, I thought I'd make a note here:
Recently I read a Memoir written by Maude Julien and Ursula Gauthier called 'A Memoir by Maude Julien' (2018) - Maude Julien is a psychotherapist who specialises in child trauma, manipulation and mind control and she lives in Paris.  The publisher was Oneworld Publications - I borrowed it from the library.  I found it very good for allowing my younger parts to experience someone's life that was controlled and manipulated - and how she coped with that and how she got through it.  It really helped younger parts of me to read that Memoir.  I related to a lot of the things she wrote about, and the way she thought about things.  So it was a helpful book for me to read.

I'm going to get back to my tidying process now - as I am making good progress and I can tear up that piece of paper now. 

Really glad to find that note and write about it.

[woodsgnome]

Congrats on finding the notes and unraveling it via tidying up.

I have a little thought on top (or under) of what I wrote earlier. It involves our old favourite -- The Secret Garden.

I'm not sure if it was in both versions, but something from the 1975 BBC series I really liked inspired my thoughts about discovering unknown and/or new possibilities.

There was a scene where Mary and Dickon were sharing dreams of what to include in the new/old garden. Mary exclaims [I'm paraphrasing here]: ''...but let's not make it a PERFECT garden, Dickon. Let's leave some of it a bit wild -- maybe we'll be surprised by those parts coming up on their own, from underground.''

I just thought how well that scene speaks to cultivating that sort of outlook while planting any of our own secret gardens. And how, who knows, we might be surprised, and delighted, at our new discoveries.

Take care 

[Hope67]

Hi Woodgsnome,
I really love the fact  you mentioned our old favourite 'The Secret Garden' - the suggestion of Mary to leave part of the garden as a bit wild, it is so appropriate, and I use imagery to conjure up that garden regularly when I'm meditating, and imagine all of us enjoying being in that garden and exploring it - having different areas to seek solitude, but also times and experiences when we interact with each other and talk about gardening, or enjoying the garden or just playing (as often I imagine us all at younger ages - allowing our child parts to enjoy the freedom of being in a place where we are allowed and encouraged to be free to express ourselves.

Anyway, I very much appreciate you sharing what you said.  I very much hope we will be surprised and delighted by new discoveries - that sounds really great.   

*********
3rd June 2024
Feeling optimistic today.  I like that feeling.  I hope it stays with me. 
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I hope that feeling of optimism stays with you too 

I like the idea of a place/garden where our younger parts can come out to express themselves. I hope you find one for yours.

Sending you hug if that's ok 

dolly

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you're feeing optimistic.

I think I should re-read The Secret Garden. I remember reading it as a child and enjoying it very much but everything about it is hazy now.

[Blueberry]

That's a lovely meditation Hope! Wow. "The Secret Garden" has had a good effect on a number of us on the forum and/or continues to do so. It's so lovely that you can use us as support people in your meditation. I mean you don't have to come onto the forum to connect with us, you have us in your imaginative/meditation garden whenever you want.   

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee - the optimism did stay with me for some of yesterday - however I watched a documentary on TV (that I had recorded) which then caused me a lot of reactions - BUT, I feel better today - having had some sleep.  So I feel ok about how yesterday was.  Thanks so much for the hug 

Hi NarcKiddo - I re-read 'The Secret Garden' again a couple of times as an adult, and each time got more out of it.  It felt such a powerful book to me growing up, but also in my adult life too.  I hope you enjoy it, if you do decide to re-read it.  The fact you enjoyed it as a child, I reckon you'd enjoy being reunited with the themes within it, as an adult.  I think so.   

Hi Blueberry - Yes, I really value being able to meditate in that way, it's been so helpful to my sense of feeling a part of this community - I can have the imaginative/meditation garden whenever I want to.  It is really great to be able to do that.   

***********
4th June 2024
I watched a documentary yesterday (which I'd recorded on TV)

Trigger warning: Mentioning Sexual Abuse.
The documentary was by Mark O'Sullivan (who is a British comedian/?actor) and he took his own experience of sexual abuse and made a documentary where he created a sitcom about it, with the help of some of his fellow comedians/actors.  I watched it yesterday, and experienced so many physical reactions afterwards - migraine kind of pain in my head, and stomach ache.  I also felt very hopeless for a period of time, and also felt overly scared.  BUT, having slept well last night - I feel better today. 

I am grateful to Mark O'Sullivan for broaching such a subject and his bravery in expressing his thoughts and feelings in that way - it was an unusual medium to use - but a powerful one to portray what happened to him, and his experiences and feelings about it. 

I think the fact he portrayed his abuser in a literal way (dressed up in a bear outfit) was more challenging and triggering for me - as I have my own issues with animals wearing clothes, not sure why I have those issues, but they are very powerful triggering things. 

I am able to write this now in a more detached way - I'm not feeling any emotions as I write this - but I'm glad to write about it again - as I wrote about it yesterday too, and was feeling more out of control of my emotions and feelings - like many parts of me were freaking out about it.

Anyway, I am glad to be able to write something about it today.  I am also feeling calmer in myself.  I am glad about that.

Hope 

[natureluvr]

I am grateful to Mark O'Sullivan for broaching such a subject and his bravery in expressing his thoughts and feelings in that way - it was an unusual medium to use - but a powerful one to portray what happened to him, and his experiences and feelings about it. 

It makes me hopeful and optimistic to see someone using their talent and creativity to bring awareness of these things to people.  It sounds like you had an EF from watching this, but that it resolved fairly quickly and easily.  It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do. 

[Hope67]

Hi Natureluvr,
Yes, I think you're right - I had an EF from watching this.  But it did resolve fairly quickly and easily, and I am grateful for that, and glad that I watched it.

**********
5th June 2024
I won't be around for a couple of weeks - as I'm going to be on holiday!

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Enjoy your holiday    and see you when you get back!

[sanmagic7]

hi, hope,

have a lovely vacation.  i hope everything goes smoothly and you get some peace and rest mentally and emotionally, if not physically as well.  see you when you return.  love and hugs