Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

06-08-2024

Lineal time grinds, carrying me forward, no matter how I feel about it.  What is that saying?  "This too shall pass"

Was reminded again, odd and brilliant how the universe works, that much of the supposed age we are has to do with who we are pretending to be. I won't go into how things worked around to where I was reminded of it, anyway, there was a study on 70+ year old men, was put into a environment from 22 - 25 years ago, all bio-metric  markers showed a decrease in chronological age. finger length increased, height increased, muscle tone, and, and, and,

So how much of what we go through are the result of mistaken sh-te that we carry around?  Meditation has similar results in 'reversing' chronological age, and we know that 'stress' impacts the body in a negative way, there has to be a mechanism there. Is the mechanism the same?  If the mech is the same then that explains what Joe Dispenza reports in the area of spontaneous healings, that he has documented in detail. 

if that mechanism is the same, that also explains so much in the area of healing and even with the multitude of approaches, there is a lot of successful paths there, you know? 

Need to go do something else now.

Wishing you all the best

[StartingHealing]

06-10-2024

Finally got to a point where the storm clouds are on the horizon and the creek is rising and I have general plans in place.  Feels good to be where I am currently.

This is something that I need to do more of. 

Still working on the figuring out the how to be living for me. 

Wishing all here, all the best.

[StartingHealing]

06-11-2024

The following is nothing more than supposition on my part. 

Been more regular with taking my supplement stack over the last couple weeks.  I've noticed a better general mood and more energy.  Have some additional supplements coming in to add to the stack.  Still need to watch what I eat.  I think I need to go more protein / fat / complex carbs rather than the raisins, dried cherries, etc.  Nov last year I was the thinnest I had been in a very very long time.  Stepped on the scale and crap.. now I'm the heaviest that I've ever been.  Sigh, you know striving against the low nutrition that exists in food now, what a bogus thing. 

Need to go do other stuff.

Wishing all here, all the best 

[Papa Coco]

It sounds like you are doing some good stuff these past few days. I hope the supplements and the plans for how to handle the storm clouds and rising creek keep feeling good for you.

It's a nice feeling when things start to click for us.

Wishing you the best in return.

[StartingHealing]

It sounds like you are doing some good stuff these past few days. I hope the supplements and the plans for how to handle the storm clouds and rising creek keep feeling good for you.

It's a nice feeling when things start to click for us.

Wishing you the best in return.

PC,
Yeah, having a plan(s) for when things go awry, there is a lot of comfort in that for me.  Maybe it's from growing up on the farm.  Caffeine consumption has stabilized,  nicotine is still all over the place, my sweet tooth has mitigated.  I think it's due to my body seeking some of the micro-nutrients in the chocolate covered cashews.

Strange that it seems that I am being led into areas that in my opinion, modernity has dropped the ball in many areas. 

Hope you are doing well PC.

Wish all the brave souls here, all the best.   

[StartingHealing]

Realized via a social media post that Fathers Day is coming up.  I'm going to be doing some thunks out loud to hopefully get some $hit resolved. 

  Who knew that this would bring up a storm?  Not that I'm totally surprised, it's been churning for a while.   

   Well ya see, 58 years ago the male, whom I carry about 1/2 of his genetics, died. Was in the first trimester when he kicked off.  Heart attack according to the coroners report. I have already lived longer than he did.  Trying like he77 to not do the whole judgement thing since I'm the result of adultery twice over. I mean, if he didn't do what he did, then the me, now, wouldn't be here. Temporal causality and all that jazz.  Thinking about how the probabilities played out, for me to be here now, with the genetic code I have, and if something happened in the timing, let alone the personalities at play, whoa.. Brain cramp!

   I reckon that I'm supposed to be here.  the 'whys' still haven't been given yet. I keep nudging in prayer, I mean I am on the back 9 of life you know?    He was, to use a older euphemism, a rolling stone. Or at least that is the impression that was transmitted to me by the 1/2 siblings, which have no interest at all in me.  I don't fault them and yet I still have a bone to pick, I mean fer f-cksake, I didn't have a exploding slave collar on the dude, you know??  Could also be one of those situations where things at home were such that he went out for a pack of smokes and never came back.  That happened a lot.  I know that it's de rigueur to place the blame 100% on men for that.  Now though, with going through what I have went through, I can see men doing that as a means of self preservation / to not commit murder or homicide. 

   I guess this means that I've grown some since I am considering that there were nuances there that fall outside the standard troupes.  I know that certain women know how their tongue can completely devastate someone, and honestly, I think that they enjoy it.  From that perspective, well, maybe he did what he did because his spouse was he77a toxic or perhaps she had a personality disorder.  I'm not a professional and I'm not attempting to be, yet working backwards(pattern, pattern, what's the pattern?) from what was communicated to me, and also considering that the 1/2 sibs had children themselves and yet to still be holding on to the "story".  Hm, that causes me to consider even with more certainty that it was a going out for a pack a smokes type of situation.

   Not saying that he was blameless.  He was human.  I'm pretty sure that he loved his kids.  He was stuck in a no win. Mercy I know that place personally. Not good to be there.   The US state in which this happened had social safety nets at the time, not to mention the federal level stuff, and the family was part of a large religious organization and the spouse's family was also in the area (Ancestry.com is really good at fleshing out some bones on history) was it more of the social stigma attached rather than the 'supposed' lack of material goods to live?  I haven't seen many images of the 1/2 sibs or their mother but one has to think that what ever the situation was it wasn't desperate enough that prevented the children to grow up, go out into the world, and 2 out of the 3 has done pretty good for themselves in the social-economic sense.  The 3rd, married into money so they good.     

   It smacks to me that he was in a no win, and he took a way out that kept him engaged in his air addiction and didn't turn him into someone that would have deleted another human or himself. Add in that the spouse did do the parental alienation thing which was so beat into the kids heads that when I come skipping along, they can't undo the story and see other than what was pounded into them, even though their mother did re-marry.   Odd isn't it that me figuring this out gives me a different perspective on myself.  The concept of the sins of the parents being transferred to the child is a d-mnedable hard narrative to buck.

   To me this is a way better story than what I was told.  Another thing that has blipped across my consciousness, I cannot speak to if there was any trauma on that mother, yet I am fairly certain there was some sort of personality / mental issues, and then genetic mother had trauma, plus some things, and adoptive mother also had some, and i used to be bound by contract to one who definitely has something.  Could there be some sort of genetic / energetic thing going on here?  I find the probability that all 3, I mean, yeah it's possible but holy hotd-mn. Two I could see since without lots of work healing up and reversing the rectal inversion of a brain case, chances are that he would 'find' a gal that had similarities to the spouse, and by extension back to his mother?    And then to have a another gal have 'stuff' that was not anywhere around, no knowledge, no knowing, those people, like *?!? 

  This is getting into some areas that I feel are important.  I don't have the vocab to adequately explain what's going on in me brain pan at the moment.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best. 

[StartingHealing]

06-18-2024

I'm in that space where I want to write, but I also don't want to write because the stuff in the thinking meat is all tumbled jumbled, strewn chock-a-block, even from a emotional level, it's messy at the moment. 

I've written several paragraphs and then deleted them.  bleh.  I think I'll find me a practice sheet for zane-blosser cursive and do some practice.

Wishing all here, all the best. 

[StartingHealing]

June 22 2024

Lots of things popping up as of late.  Got rolled into a different class which has triggered my inner swashbuckler.  Then the ethics / morals come up and it's like .. trying to get a grip on things.  For example, if a person acquires something from a legally created fictional personhood that acquired it via force or fraud, is that still morally suspect?   Or a legally created fictional personhood that knowingly incorporates toxic ingredients, and/or knowingly shipped contaminated products that ended up unaliving people? Does it even matter as long as the P/E ratios are good? 

Then today, found out that (I'll be using the typical terminology) a niece was found that had exited this realm.  Off the top of my head, she was in her 30's I think.  I reached out after the end of that d-mnedable state sponsored relationship contract, to not only her but also all the surviving members of the brothers family and it was all for naught.   

I feel for those that knew her. It's my understanding, no I wasn't told directly, that this niece had some rough patches in her life.  I don't really know what they were, I have my suspicions, based on that she was adopted.  it was kinship which was totally cool, there are still soooooo much there,  being separated from momma as a wee one, thats some next level sh-t.  It f-cks with a person pretty seriously.  Some adoptees can deal, some can't. 

Need to go do something else now.

Wishing all here, all the best. 

[StartingHealing]

06-26-2024

The niece that passed was 44.  I'm still in a weird spot.  I don't know what is up with it.  It's like I'm saddened but I really didn't know her. You know?  IDK if I am picking up on the emotional turmoil, or what is going on.

Wishing you all the best

[Little2Nothing]

I felt that way when I found out I had a brother (I never knew) that died in orphanage at 6 months. I found it out nearly 50 years after the fact. 

When I was told I couldn't help but weep. I think it is just the realization that I had lost something else in my life. To date I do not know his name. 

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing,

My little sister passed at 44 also. That happened 16 years ago and I've never fully recovered. I respect what you are going through.

I believe we are connected to others in ways that are deeper than we consciously know. Even if you didn't really know your niece well, you were still connected with her. so her passing is something you can't just take lightly. (LIttle2Nothing, this fits in your life also: You didn't know your brother existed, but when you found out, you felt the loss. You didn't consciously know about him, but you felt the connection anyway. The loss is sad, but the connection is beautiful).

SH: I hope you are able to find peace in what you do know about her. And I think very highly of people who feel that connection, and who feel the losses when they happen. I think that people who feel the losses of others are of the best people on the earth. We're the ones who keep love alive on the planet. Heaven knows there are people who wouldn't care less about finding out a niece or sister (or infant brother) had passed. You're a good person. This sense of loss that you're feeling is proof of it.

My sister has come to me in dreams three times now and each time she's given me peace about how she is perfectly okay now. That's been a big help to me as I process my sadness at losing her. I hope you can find the same peace around losing your niece at such a young age.

[StartingHealing]

I felt that way when I found out I had a brother (I never knew) that died in orphanage at 6 months. I found it out nearly 50 years after the fact.

When I was told I couldn't help but weep. I think it is just the realization that I had lost something else in my life. To date I do not know his name.

Little2Nothing, are you a evil dead fan? I ask because of the image.

I do feel you with the loss that you never knew you had until much much later.  Been a reoccurring theme in my life. 

Closed adoption. Was separated from 1st mother way young, like at birth basically. Yeah, pre-verbal grief ssssuuuucccckkkssss.

When I first searched in the early 1990's, found some maternal genetic relatives, (that was a cluster) found out that my 1st mother died in 1987 and up till 1985 she lived within driving distance from where I was raised, spoke with my 1/2 sister via landline phone, and I had to separate myself from the maternal side, I'll put it this way, with as f-ed up as I was, I would be at gloves and safety glasses level, them folks tho.. need a full haz-mat suit with air tanks at the time. I hope that they are better.  1/2 sister, we did some snail mail letters sporadically, and then I started getting letters back, not at this address, no forwarding.  Got into Ancestry ( I bless the DNA matching.  Oddly enough I'd rather know than not know, you know? Even if what I find / found causes pain.  Did get some images of bio father and mother and sister.)    Where ever my sister is, I wish her well. Last I knew she was on the west coast of the USA.

Then the finding and then the rejection of the paternal 1/2 siblings. 

I've really wondered how much adult or rather maturity was in any of the actions taken by the people at the time.  Could be my own bias I guess.

I know that in a way, biologically my parents are still with me.  That whole DNA thing.  I also know that they do come round from time to time spiritually, a drive by check-in. "Ya still breathing? OK good! See ya around."  Least they do check.  No lie, lots of mixed emotions there.  If it all had not gone the way it did, all that jazz. 

Then in the adoptive family, lots of old folks that had taken a shine to me, they got to where their exit point was and.. one less person that accepted me as the kid I was at the time. About every 2 maybe 3 years starting when I was 2? 3? Including my Dad the year I turned 14.  All that basically was left by the late 1990's was folks that still were attempting to put me into a box of their making.  Even the sisters which really had / have no skin in the game, they were doing the same sh-te.

I know, I shake my head at it too.

Little2Nothing, wishing you all the best.

[StartingHealing]

Hiya PC
   
"My little sister passed at 44 also. That happened 16 years ago and I've never fully recovered. I respect what you are going through. "  Oh d-mn PC. My deepest condolences.  that, oh dude, I have no words.  if it's cool { } for you.

I believe we are connected to others in ways that are deeper than we consciously know. Even if you didn't really know your niece well, you were still connected with her. so her passing is something you can't just take lightly.

I agree that there is a type of connection there.  What it is?  I cannot say at the moment. 

Basically the last I was around that niece would have been when she was 12-14?  Very sporadic at that. The relationship breakdown is that she was a kinship adoptee, my adoptive brother's wife sisters child.  Adoptive brother (to me) after my Dad died, he decided that I would be better off with a substitute father (him) rather than being a big brother to me.  That the relationship was strained is putting it mildly, and there was a rift on the religious dogma side of things as well him getting all trained up to be a lay preacher.  I mean, how dare he?!?!? I had a Dad who unfortunately wasn't around.  Really don't care about others intent here.  He apologized to me as a death bed confession type of thing for attempting to be in the Dad role.  Was over the phone and it's not like I'm not going to forgive him at that point.  Talk about a total * move on my part if I had done that.  So I never really got to do the uncle thing.  Tried but wanna be father substitute put the kibosh on that. Uncle me was gonna be a "bad influence" and all that crap.   Yeah.  Looking at the results over time, adoptive brothers kids, fell right into the standard "preachers kids" meme. Some bad influence I turned out to be. 

I hope you are able to find peace in what you do know about her. And I think very highly of people who feel that connection, and who feel the losses when they happen. I think that people who feel the losses of others are of the best people on the earth. We're the ones who keep love alive on the planet. Heaven knows there are people who wouldn't care less about finding out a niece or sister (or infant brother) had passed. You're a good person. This sense of loss that you're feeling is proof of it.

I think that some of what I am picking up on is the loss of those that were closer to her than I.  She is a crib mate of mine most definitely. Being that both of us were adopted.  I do know that there were some rough spots in her life, and that was over and she was heading in a healthy direction for a undetermined amount of time.  I don't know if she had any children, I don't think so since I'm sure it would have been mentioned to me by now. Still waiting on any news about cause of death.

PC, wishing you all the best.

[Little2Nothing]

StartingHealing, I am a fan of the Evil Dead. I like Bruce Campbell!

I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you. I truly am sorry that that was a part of your life. 

I hope that as time goes by the pain will disappear and you will find healing. 

[StartingHealing]

StartingHealing, I am a fan of the Evil Dead. I like Bruce Campbell!

I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you. I truly am sorry that that was a part of your life.

I hope that as time goes by the pain will disappear and you will find healing.

The evil dead series of movies is such fun   I need to re-acquire them. 

Thank you for your kind words.

I did grow up on a dairy farm so the circle of life was a constant. 

bittersweet would be the best single word I think.

Wishing you all the best.