My journey so far

[Little2Nothing]

Armee, I'm glad I was able to enlighten them on a different perspective. I'm sad that understanding the impact of trauma is so foreign to most people. 

[Chart]

Yes... Speaking up is taking things in hand, acknowledging, saying Truth. Even better than anger, stating the true past is so important. The complexity of forgiveness is difficult to unravel and different in each case. But what impresses me is how far you have come in acknowledging and talking about your trauma. And in public!!! Congratulations so much. I think it's a huge sign of progress.

[Little2Nothing]

Chart, I told my T about this today and she said the same thing! For the first time I felt no shame talking about it. Normally I wouldn't mention any of my past, but I thought maybe what I said might help someone else who was there. 

[Chart]

I absolutely agree. As hard as it is to face and talk about I truly believe that silence is a million times more destructive. And the more I open up and talk about my abuse, the easier it gets for me AND I get better at communicating in a way that brings people closer as apposed to alienating. We on the front line (CPTSD-conscious) have to help those still locked away in a shame that is not of their making. There is in reality no shame. When that finally sinks in EVERYTHING changes. And that's when healing really starts.

[Little2Nothing]

**Trigger Warning**

Is there a point in this journey where the pain you carry is because you can't let go? Is the idea of trauma valid or do I claim it as an excuse for my own personal weakness. Letting go sounds so simple. Just drop it like garbage in a bin. When you find something disgusting you dispose of it. If you hold on to it then whatever the consequences of holding on is all on you. Is that how this struggle eventually ends? You should have let go, but you didn't so - shame on you.

I wonder at times if I struggle because the act of struggling is comfortable. I know it intimately, it has been a part of me for decades. I talk about it. Complain about it. Yet never seem to resolve it. It's a cancer that refuses to die. Misery is my constant companion. Try as I might I cannot remove it from my life. Is it because I don't want it gone? I simply do not know the answer.

Those past traumatic experiences will always be with me. I suppose over time that I can learn to keep them in the past. To see them at a distance and recognize that they are over and not a part of my life anymore. The internal consequences of the trauma are not so easily dismissed. The spontaneous memories, the nightmares, the emotional fluctuations all have a life of their own. Can these things be eradicated by an act of the will? If so - then shame on me. 

Forgetting about the past for a moment, I wanted to say something positive. In my life right now I have three wonderful blessings. Frist, my beautiful wife who has stood by me these many years. She is a wonderful soul who is patient and kind. I do not deserve her, but am glad she is in my life. Second, my children. They have all made me proud. They are loving parents and siblings. Third, my grandchildren. They are a bright spot in my life. I love their laughter, joyous screams of delight and the energy they carry with them. Their hugs melt my heart and when the say "I love you" it is medicine for my soul.

[Chart]

L2N, If there is one thing I've been told over and over again, and I firmly believe, is that Cptsd symptoms are not a question of willpower and just deciding to "get over" it.

If you believe in the process of Evolution (which I don't believe excludes the Spiritual in any way) then you are up against around 4 billion years of evolutionary refinement of a nervous system that is ONLY reinforced by survival. This system DOES NOT CARE if you are comfortable or not. It's only objective is that you reproduce successfully (survival). All other mental functioning is of secondary importance. Reestablishing comfort in the nervous system is way down on the brain's list of priorities. You had kids and successfully raised them to have kids. Your brain succeeded 100%. (Sorry, but that's all that matters to the brain. Though I might add, in order to combat the Shame a little bit, coming from where you've come from AND succeeding on the biological playing field, I think you could not help but see that you have an enormous amount of Success in your "being". You came out of Trauma and created Love all around you! THAT is truly something wonderful.)

There's much more to understand on a biological level. But for me the importance of realizing that we can't just change with "willpower" is extremely important. People who say otherwise are not supported by the neuroscientific evidence we now have. The adult brain retains a certain level of "plasticity" but it is nothing compared to the developing brain of a child.

I have personally fought my shame over this issue with Science, and there are a wealth of books out now that clearly show that a developing brain exposed to chronic trauma is dramatically different than a brain securely attached in infancy and childhood.

Here's a super video by Sebern Fisher that explains Neurofeedback, but along the way also the impact on the brain from DTD (Developmental Trauma Disorder). I'm reading her book at the moment as I'm looking to do a month of NeuroFeedback in August. I so relate to what you are talking about. I just want my pain to stop. It won't...
https://youtu.be/fiG3DXysqBs?si=SLJKgITtavAOu3UH

Sorry to rant! My goal is truly to help. It's a struggle what we have and it just doesn't go away easily. Sending love and hugs and sorry again for going so long. I'll delete no problem if there's anything you're not okay with.

You made a beautiful family. They clearly see things in you that, almost certainly because of your trauma, you have difficulty seeing. I hope my words have helped. I don't write from ego, but from the heart, promise.

Much love, chart

[Little2Nothing]

I appreciate your response, Chart. I do believe, though, that we are more than an imperative to reproduce. Though I do agree that survival in all its forms is built into our DNA. 

Science is the pursuit of how the world works. Science also rewrites itself ever so often, because what we think we know is often inexact or incorrect. 

Medical science is often wrong. Over the years I have been disappointed by the experts. 

Psychology has been the least accurate of all. There have been a lot of atrocity committed by psychiatrists experimenting on the vulnerable. 

What I'm saying is I don't trust, at face value, anything the scientific community says about the brain. It is more than a computer or machine. The brain is animated by the soul and we are more than just what neurons fire. 

I don't want to create a debate about science. I just wanted to express where I come from. 

As to what I wrote. I do believe that to some degree our will is involved in our recovery. It is not just a function of the brain. Both are needed. 

To change we have to want to change. I made a choice to seek help. I made a choice to use grounding techniques and do IFS work. 

What I meant by "being comfortable" is it is easier to sit in the familiar than to fight to correct a response. Change is difficult. So, my point which I didn't express well, is if I exercise my will to not seek help I am involved in perpetuating my own suffering. I was just thinking out loud. 

Please do not delete your response. I really appreciated you taking the time to compose it. I also appreciate the spirit in which it was written. 

[Chart]

L2N, I totally agree with all the precisions you made. Science is indeed in constant "refinement" and things are changing all the time, especially as we realize past ideas are just plain wrong. This is especially true in regards to psychology. And the brain remains, for all intents and purposes, a total and utter mystery. Science has yet to even begin to crack that one. I agree too we are far more than just the sum of our parts. Replication seems to be a means to an end perhaps even more mysterious than the brain.

And finally, yes absolutely, change requires decision and effort. But what scares me is just how easily this can transform into being too hard on ourselves. For me it's hard to know where to draw that line.

But it always helps me to discuss and verbalize. Thank you for letting me share in your journal.

[Little2Nothing]

I have the tendency to be too hard on myself. Too much introspection is damaging. 

Thanks, Chart, for your comments. I always value your perspective. 

[Chart]

 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Science is the pursuit of how the world works. Science also rewrites itself ever so often, because what we think we know is often inexact or incorrect.

Medical science is often wrong. Over the years I have been disappointed by the experts.

Psychology has been the least accurate of all. There have been a lot of atrocity committed by psychiatrists experimenting on the vulnerable.

I feel this. Oh how it would be nice to trust in science, to fall on it like you're coming to a friend when in need. But alas, those that write theories and studies are humans themselves - with the same set of flaws that all humans possess. I may find a study that seems to validate my experiences, only to find the theories were taken from someone else, and the specialist who conducted the study abused their patients and lost their medical license long ago. Medical science is especially disappointing at times.

Is there a point in this journey where the pain you carry is because you can't let go? Is the idea of trauma valid or do I claim it as an excuse for my own personal weakness. Letting go sounds so simple. Just drop it like garbage in a bin. When you find something disgusting you dispose of it. If you hold on to it then whatever the consequences of holding on is all on you. Is that how this struggle eventually ends? You should have let go, but you didn't so - shame on you.

I deeply resonate with this. A fear that perhaps I myself am part of the problem. When we become so used to one particular way of living, a particular state of mind, it feels nearly impossible to think of an alternative frame to live by. I am reminded of a certain metaphor, of living in a cave for an extended period of time. We know there's an outside world but the sun hurts our eyes. Instead we find the darkness to be more comforting, even if it brings us a slew of misery. To that I wonder perhaps we would benefit from at least attempting to sit at the very entrance of the cave - not too much sun, but not too much darkness. A little bit of change, but not an overwhelming amount.

Wishing you well.
Regards,
Aphotic.

[Little2Nothing]

Aphotic, thanks for commenting. It is also nice to meet you.

To that I wonder perhaps we would benefit from at least attempting to sit at the very entrance of the cave - not too much sun, but not too much darkness. A little bit of change, but not an overwhelming amount.

That really spoke to me. I fear we can become our own worst enemy. The reluctance to move from our cocoon could be the very thing that keeps us in darkness.

[Papa Coco]

Agreed. We are afraid of the fear.

I often call this "wanting to be comfortably uncomfortable with the shame we've always known." Healing comes when we find ourselves able to hold on during the discomfort of stepping out of the shame we've always known.

My personal theory is that when I was very young, and my brain was in total learning mode, that my family and church taught me I wasn't good enough to be proud of myself. I learned that I was a shameful being, so I spent the next several decades building life processes around how to protect myself from the shame that I was told I am. So for me to stop believing I'm a shameful being, I have to agree to stop using ALL the self-protections that I've spent my life carefully building.

We entered our dark caves because we needed to in order to survive our childhoods. Leaving that cave means leaving every protective tool we've ever built to keep us from being humiliated and shamed by the world outside of the cave. So to step out of the cave, we need to be willing to live with a lot of fear that we're not prepared. We feel like soldiers marching into battle but not allowed to carry our weapons. We feel vulnerable and we instinctively want to grab for our tools that we've used to hide from the dangers of the world. We have to be willing to feel the anxiety of being unprotected by the only tools we've ever known how to use.

It's like how I taught my sons to ride bikes. They didn't believe they could do it without training wheels, so I had to do that thing where I took off the training wheels, held onto the bike for them, ran with them for a while but discretely let go without them realizing it. They thought they had me holding onto the seat. When they'd turn and see me standing alone in the street, they suddenly realized they could ride without training wheels. I'm that way with self-esteem. I'm just now starting to wonder if I have the skills to live outside of my cave without being shamed for it.

I'm willing now to step out a little here and a little there. So far, I've noticed that people still like being around me, even when I'm not protecting myself from them. I'm starting to emerge from the cave, letting myself feel a little uncomfortably uncomfortable, rather than comfortably uncomfortable.

[Little2Nothing]

It's painful sometimes learning about yourself in therapy. I realized how stubborn I can be when faced with obvious truths. There is a part of me that is stubborn and unreasonable, that pushes people away with the intent of hurting myself before they have a chance to hurt me.

Throughout my life I have longed for someone to genuinely care about me, but when someone did show they cared I would become angry and beligerent. I think I did this hoping they would respond with greater care and concern. The result of my attitude was to push them away. Whatever kindness they tried to show was cut short by my stubborness.

I am so afraid of rejection that I set myself up to be rejected. I hold people at arms length to protect myself from the pain I am about to inflict on myself.

I don't know if I am expressing this correctly or if it even makes sense.

I do know I want this to change. I don't want to be a fool and fail to be circumspect, but neither do I want to keep missing out on the blessing of connection with good people.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Little2Nothing, I feel your pain there. As you say, it is unfortunately all one big coping mechanism, to ensure our own safety and be guarded from any external threats. Though your awareness of these experiences is very commendable. After all, can't fix things unless we know what the problems are! I often yearn for that care too. I hope you can allow yourself to find something or someone, but of course take the time you need. These things don't really change overnight.

In the meantime though, plenty of folks here on the forum I'm sure are happy to connect with you.

Regards,
Aphotic.