Shame from codependency/people-pleasing

[Beijaflor57]

One of my ongoing struggles, that I feel immense shame over, is my struggle with people-pleasing/codependency. I inherited it from my mother, and while I'm not as codependent as she is, and I'm able to assert myself and hold to boundaries to a certain degree, I am often still 'too nice,' out of fear of being mean or having certain people not like me.

I think, due to the neglect and abuse I endured as a child and teen, during which time I was bullied a lot and told 'no one likes you,' I have this intense fear, around some people (not all), of not being liked. Of being rejected.

I've come a long way since my childhood/adolescence, and I can be more assertive now than I used to be, and I'm a little more comfortable in my own skin, but I hate how this issue is still a struggle for me. It fills me with shame. I've been getting a lot of flashbacks lately, over how I've acted in certain situations, and I cringe inwardly. This is not the person I want to be. I want to be more confident and more assertive.

Especially because I can see how my mother's codependency harmed not only me (she was the one who neglected me) but my siblings as well. Particularly my narcissistic sister. My mom let my sister do what she wanted. My sister quickly learned how to manipulate others because my mom never stood up to her. Unfortunately, my mom has let herself be a doormat for our entire family. Tragically, her codependency is exalted as a model of 'self-sacrifice' and has helped create the very unhealthy, dysfunctional dynamics in my family. When I dare say no, or assert boundaries, in my family, I'm labelled as 'selfish.' Or guilt-tripped.   

I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice, or what I'm looking for...maybe just a place to vent. I'm feeling a lot of shame over this aspect of my relating to others. I know where my codependency comes from, and I try to give myself grace for that, but it's not how I want to continue relating to others. I don't want to follow in my mother's footsteps.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey Beijaflor, your fear of rejection and desire for other's satisfaction is all too familiar to me.

I've come a long way since my childhood/adolescence, and I can be more assertive now than I used to be, and I'm a little more comfortable in my own skin, but I hate how this issue is still a struggle for me.

One solace you might find in this is that you are most likely still healing, whether you see it or not. You have, despite the odds, worked on your ability to be more assertive, and I have no doubt that trend will continue into the future. These things unfortunately take time though, and I do of course wish we could all just heal in an instant but alas.

Tragically, her codependency is exalted as a model of 'self-sacrifice' and has helped create the very unhealthy, dysfunctional dynamics in my family. When I dare say no, or assert boundaries, in my family, I'm labelled as 'selfish.' Or guilt-tripped. 

I feel your pain with this. My family dynamics were very similar. If only more people realised how sometimes it's okay to be selfish. We can't expect everyone around us to care for us, we have to care for ourselves first and foremost. And when we take the time to look after ourselves first, the secondary care we can provide for others ends up being far more impacting and meaningful.

Do go easy on yourself, am rooting for you.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Beijaflor57]

One solace you might find in this is that you are most likely still healing, whether you see it or not. You have, despite the odds, worked on your ability to be more assertive, and I have no doubt that trend will continue into the future. These things unfortunately take time though, and I do of course wish we could all just heal in an instant but alas.

Thank you, Aphotic. I think you're right...it helps to hear someone else's perspective, though, since we are usually our own worst critics.  Boy, wouldn't it be nice if healing were instantaneous? Since it isn't though, I know I need to see myself not from the perspective of 'I'm not there yet,' but 'look how far you've come.'

I feel your pain with this. My family dynamics were very similar. If only more people realised how sometimes it's okay to be selfish. We can't expect everyone around us to care for us, we have to care for ourselves first and foremost. And when we take the time to look after ourselves first, the secondary care we can provide for others ends up being far more impacting and meaningful.

Do go easy on yourself, am rooting for you.

Regards,
Aphotic.

I appreciate your kind words. 

I'm sorry you've had experience with a similar family situation. I agree with you. We can't care for others properly, and in a meaningful way, when we don't care for ourselves. It seems like common sense, but ideas about self-sacrifice have been so twisted, especially in strict religious homes like the one I grew up in, that any type of assertiveness (especially from women) is seen as 'unsubmissive' and therefore sinful. The reality is that much of my mother's 'self-sacrifice' is rooted in her need for love and approval and a sense of self-worth. Which is not really selfless at all. But no one in my family seems to see this but me.

[Kizzie]

Beijaflor57 I think the fact that you see things as clearly as you do is amazing.  It can take years to move all that into awareness so big pat on the back! I think your feelings will catch up to what you think and you won't feel the degree of shame you do now. I was thinking as I was reading that perhaps some of the shame is not about you, but about your family and their behaviour. I know as I realized who was doing what and particularly my M who was a covert narcissist and played the good mother/wife/sister/friend/etc, I felt shame about my family. I felt that they were a reflection of me and vice versa.   

Anyway, it takes time to release the shame so do be kind to yourself and keep focused on the fact that you are finding your way out of all that shame based behaviour.   

[AphoticAtramentous]

It seems like common sense, but ideas about self-sacrifice have been so twisted, especially in strict religious homes like the one I grew up in, that any type of assertiveness (especially from women) is seen as 'unsubmissive' and therefore sinful.

Oh yes, I get that. I hope this doesn't overstep any rules on religious discussion but:
I can't be definitively sure but I always wonder in these situations how many people are driven by their own fears. Where they bend over backwards for others to ensure they go to heaven, in fear of going to * if otherwise. In these situations, their care is often not even sincere - they are selfless simply because they have to be. That's just my own speculation though, and something I observed in my own FOO. Or...

The reality is that much of my mother's 'self-sacrifice' is rooted in her need for love and approval and a sense of self-worth.

This. Which I admit, perhaps I am at fault of this at times myself. It's enlightening to be aware of.

I am unsure of your own values but I believe perhaps the most valuable care we can offer to others and ourselves is from the heart itself. No fear of judgement or need for acceptance, just caring because of a genuine love or admiration. Hopefully that all makes sense.
Cheers to being more assertive and self-caring.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Beijaflor57]

Beijaflor57 I think the fact that you see things as clearly as you do is amazing.  It can take years to move all that into awareness so big pat on the back! I think your feelings will catch up to what you think and you won't feel the degree of shame you do now. I was thinking as I was reading that perhaps some of the shame is not about you, but about your family and their behaviour. I know as I realized who was doing what and particularly my M who was a covert narcissist and played the good mother/wife/sister/friend/etc, I felt shame about my family. I felt that they were a reflection of me and vice versa.   

Anyway, it takes time to release the shame so do be kind to yourself and keep focused on the fact that you are finding your way out of all that shame based behaviour.   

Thank you, Kizzie. I'm trying to practice kindness to myself, but it isn't always easy! I still have moments where a certain memory, or emotional flashback, will send me into shame spirals.

But, as you said, I'm hoping my feelings will eventually catch up to my intellectual awareness.

[Beijaflor57]

It seems like common sense, but ideas about self-sacrifice have been so twisted, especially in strict religious homes like the one I grew up in, that any type of assertiveness (especially from women) is seen as 'unsubmissive' and therefore sinful.

Oh yes, I get that. I hope this doesn't overstep any rules on religious discussion but:
I can't be definitively sure but I always wonder in these situations how many people are driven by their own fears. Where they bend over backwards for others to ensure they go to heaven, in fear of going to * if otherwise. In these situations, their care is often not even sincere - they are selfless simply because they have to be. That's just my own speculation though, and something I observed in my own FOO. Or...

I think your speculation is actually an astute observation. I think you're right and that, sadly, many good 'selfless' deeds done by religious people are driven by fear.

The reality is that much of my mother's 'self-sacrifice' is rooted in her need for love and approval and a sense of self-worth.

This. Which I admit, perhaps I am at fault of this at times myself. It's enlightening to be aware of.

I think we're all guilty of this from time to time. As long as we're aware of this tendency and make an effort to grow, I think we're ok.

I am unsure of your own values but I believe perhaps the most valuable care we can offer to others and ourselves is from the heart itself. No fear of judgement or need for acceptance, just caring because of a genuine love or admiration. Hopefully that all makes sense.
Cheers to being more assertive and self-caring.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Yes—makes perfect sense and I absolutely agree with you! I call this 'loving without expectation.' Because that's what real love does. It's given freely and from the heart. It doesn't demand or expect something, such as gratitude, acceptance, praise, or validation, in return. My current profession as a teacher is forcing me to grow in this. I teach some really difficult kids, and kids pick up on B.S. real fast. They can tell if a teacher genuinely cares about them. Even the toughest kids will soften and at least respect you if they can tell you genuinely care about them.

Thank you for your kind words, Aphotic.

[Little2Nothing]

I would say that the injunction to "love your neighbor as yourself" presupposes that care and compassion for self is necessary before you can genuinely express love to others. 

Altruism demands sacrifice to the exclusion of self which is in many cases damaging. Granted such sacrifice may be warranted for your child or spouse. 

To always live for others and deny your own needs is not love, it is servitude.