Who am I? - TW emotional abuse

[DD]

I discovered a few months ago that I have a dissociative disorder not otherwise specified as in DDNOS or OSDD. So many things started to make sense when I discovered this. However, so many others really did not anymore. I don't have different personalities as in DID but there are definately parts of me I like to call shards as that is a better description of how they have come about than parts which to my ear sound like something that always was. So now I am discovering what shards I have and noticing how they interact and come and go in everyday life.

It often feels like a descent to madness or falling down a rabbit hole as Alice did. It calls into questions concepts like "I". Not that it was a very specified concept before either having lived under pervasive coercive control. My issue today is that finally it kinda makes sense that I "forget" things that I know. But even as it makes sense on a cognitive thinking level, on an experimental level it is quite uncomfortable. It's like this one part knows this but the other one with the strongest influence right now does not. Example: I had a long discussion with a friend about me feeling like I'm not important to him. There's plenty of evidence that I am important to him. But the one feeling this had no access to those. And then in this discussion I had this very strange feeling of "oh, I know that" even though just before I had not.

I'm struggling to make sense of this and learn to live as I am. I accept that this is the case. I no longer can say I will remember like the fact that I am important to my friend. More likely I can promise that there will be times where I will forget. But this all brings about a great sense of instability, of this really weird feeling of not being an I but a we.

I had a long discussion with my therapist about if I'm crazy or not because that's the label my emotionally abusive ex has tried to give me for years to make sense of how I am. He is not neurotypical and being stable is a value of the utmost importance. Well, I am not stable. But my therapist was able to calm me at that time that I am not crazy either.

I just needed to write this today to seek out support at this time where I becomes a we and I realise that it will never most likely be an I. And to accept this while also holding onto the fact that I am not crazy in any way. I have just gotten deep emotional wounds and this is just how I developed without the value judgement. So I try to reject the condemning label as it does not apply (says therapist and friends and I'm trying with everything I have to believe them). But it is a difficult time to notice myself instead of dissociating, of figuring out when I dissociate and how my different shards affect what I perceive to be true at any given time.

[Armee]

 

Me, too. And my T also assures me I am NOT crazy. You are not crazy. Our minds have just had to create little isolated pockets to deal with the trauma.

[Kizzie]

I have to run Dragon Dancer but just wanted to say I think you'll find a lot of us here have the same thing - different parts, especially an inner child.  You may also want to check out the work of Schwartz and his theory of Internal Family Systems - https://ifs-institute.com/.

[Blueberry]

I discovered a few months ago that I have a dissociative disorder not otherwise specified as in DDNOS or OSDD. So many things started to make sense when I discovered this. However, so many others really did not anymore. I don't have different personalities as in DID but there are definately parts of me I like to call shards as that is a better description of how they have come about than parts which to my ear sound like something that always was. So now I am discovering what shards I have and noticing how they interact and come and go in everyday life.

I really like that you call them shards. I think that's a really good name for them.

My issue today is that finally it kinda makes sense that I "forget" things that I know. But even as it makes sense on a cognitive thinking level, on an experimental level it is quite uncomfortable. It's like this one part knows this but the other one with the strongest influence right now does not. Example: I had a long discussion with a friend about me feeling like I'm not important to him. There's plenty of evidence that I am important to him. But the one feeling this had no access to those. And then in this discussion I had this very strange feeling of "oh, I know that" even though just before I had not.

That stuff with your friend does sound very uncomfortable. The things I tend to forget are much more banal, though pretty debilitating. I forget words (my professions both rely on words...) and I especially have trouble remembering new words and expressions so I always have to look them up again. Also things like using machines or just computers - I learn something new and then forget how to do it for e.g. 6 weeks until I can suddenly access the knowledge again. For certain procedures, like scanning documents, that's happened again and again. People w/o this kind of diagnosis would and do suggest I try things like checking my computers Help feature or even writing myself a note when my head is clear, but when I'm in non-access mode, none of those kind of suggestions work. Despite even the list of steps taped to my printer/scanner on how to scan, scanning wouldn't work, for reasons I'm not too clear on.

For using actual machines as opposed to computers, learning to use them can feel very delayed and drawn out because some part(s) of me need to feel everything step-by-step and next time there is no access to these parts.

I'm struggling to make sense of this and learn to live as I am. I accept that this is the case. I no longer can say I will remember like the fact that I am important to my friend. More likely I can promise that there will be times where I will forget. But this all brings about a great sense of instability, of this really weird feeling of not being an I but a we.

When I stop and think about it, it is weird. At the same time I find it all strangely logical and 'normal'. I was given the diagnosis years ago but not by therapists who could put it in my medical files. Then I was in an inpatient place where I mentioned it and they denied me having it, so that was really confusing. But where I was last year - they said that the previous place had contradicted themselves in their report and were to be taken with a pinch of salt in respect to OSDD. Apart from that hiatus of - Idk - seven years, I've had a lot longer than you have to get used to the idea. I'm really impressed at your thoughts and realisations and ways of describing! They help me better understand myself.

[jimrich]

DD, all I can offer is what has happened for me over the years (I'm 86).  Re the "concept I"...this may be off topic but, many years ago I had a friend who taught me about the "I" or self and introduced me to the question: Who/what am I?.  I tried to follow that question for years....even in Therapy but never found a very satisfying answer.  Lately, some new and better avenues have opened up to help me see/know who/what I actually am.  These are somewhat like therapy and personality/ego studies or explorations but have taken me to the Real me beyond the little personal ego or self that I always believed was me.  So these other avenues to discover who/what I am are offered by non-therapy types or "spiritual" processes.  Here's a few leads or pointers to this other way of discovering what/who the "I/me" really is:
 https://www.helenhamilton.org/
https://www.youtube.com/@collettewhiteman
...once you begin looking at who/what you REALLY are, there is a fascinating journey to finding out that you are not simply a set of personalities (shards), egos, selves, me-s, etc.  Good luck and happy traveling......

[Blueberry]

DD, all I can offer is what has happened for me over the years (I'm 86).  Re the "concept I"...this may be off topic but, many years ago I had a friend who taught me about the "I" or self and introduced me to the question: Who/what am I?. 

As someone with OSDD, I do find your comment pretty much off topic. Do you have OSDD or similar? I haven't noticed that in your posts so far. Living with OSDD and similar means acknowledging the Parts and the knowledge they contain and integrating them bit by bit, it's not about erasing them. Believe me, I've been in multi-faceted yoga and as well as satsang, and if I follow their teachings especially that of 'guru' types, I don't heal.

I looked at your first link: How is any of this TRAUMA-INFORMED??

As for your friend - were they trauma-informed? Did they have OSDD?