Atramentous to Vibrant

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, AA. It sounds like you're going through a lot of stress. You said your abusive FOO is going to be at the marriage ceremony and that's going to be tough on you.

I remember reading something about brainwashing when I read about World War II that reminded me of this. A general — I forgot the name — had this idea of putting a person in solitary isolation for a long time. And while taking advantage of this war prisoner's loneliness, he would talk to them as their only friend and use their vulnerability to send abusive messages to their minds that called for absolute obedience. He would surround the prisoner with people who were already brainwashed and keep them in an environment where they were stuck in that fashion.

It's a lot like this. Your past isolation from support. Other people taking advantage of your vulnerability. Your FOO creating an environment where no one believes in you. It's just . . . tough. But we'd be here to stay — an abusive environment might just be cured with a warm environment. So we'll be here waiting when you need help, alright, Aa?

I hope my analogy wasn't too weird or a bad idea. I have some . . . nerdy hobbies.

[AphoticAtramentous]

@Hope: Thank you a lot Hope, I really appreciate the reply. It's School Holidays soon so things are more quiet in regards to work - which means my sister is at home every day now, soon my M will be as well. Christmas is going to be so rough but I'll just try to get through it.

@Blueberry: Thanks for the kind words, Blueberry. ^^ Did you get much negativity from your FOO when you missed those weddings? One of the reasons why I want to go full no-contact with anyone in my family is because I don't want to be shunned and disowned over and over for me just looking after myself.

@San: 

@Decimal: A lot of my FOO will be there yes... FOO, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles. Ugh. But I don't think your analogy is bad or weird. Just makes me feel understood, thank you. This forum is very much a 'warm' environment and I'm thankful for it. Thank you for the reply.

I had work today and then went straight to a therapist appointment. I'm proud that I did those things in one day, got stuff done, makes me feel productive. It's the tenth T session so we had an obligatory little review of things and my T has said that I've definitely progressed a lot. Apparently when I first came in she wrote me down as having severe depression and anxiety. But today she's told me that I'm now sitting more at a kind of 'medium' depression and slightly-less severe anxiety. It kind of surprised me to hear 'severe depression'. I mean I knew I had a #$%^& mood but I didn't think it was that serious. I still have a long way to go, a lot of fears to overcome and triggers to conquer. But at least I'm making progress.
Though the one thing I don't really see myself progressing in is my identity. I still feel lost and confused about myself, I don't know who I am. I'm not sure what to do about it. I shouldn't think about it too hard right now because I'll just feel angry at myself for it.

[sanmagic7]

hey, a.a.,

sounds like you've definitely made some great progress.  you're doing a lot of hard work to accomplish that.

severe depression is going to mess with your mind, making it hard to concentrate and focus on things such as your identity.  i wouldn't be so hard on myself, if i were you.  getting out of a severely depressed state is going to take a lot of energy all by itself.  it doesn't leave much room for some of the finer details we want to tackle.

i believe that as you continue to progress in your recovery, you'll be able to find your 'self' more and more.  it'll come.  it's the old saying of 'we have to learn to walk before we can run'.  you'll get there - of that i have no doubt.  big hug to you my dear, full of patience and love.

[AphoticAtramentous]

@San: Thank you greatly for the reassurance. It's a lot of waiting but I also need to remember to take care of myself and keep on moving forward. It's so difficult but it has to be done to make any more progress so.

---

Trigger warning
I feel fragile. I've been in an EF for about two days now and it's sucked the life and happiness out of me. It's just gotten worse till an hour ago I was listening to every single little thing my inner critic told me. "I'm a pain, nobody wants me." "I'm better off dead." "What's the point in anything." And then I wanted to hurt myself, 'punish' myself and make me feel the pain that I felt I deserved. But my best friend talked to me, told me to stop and to not listen to my illness. I got so close to hurting myself but I didn't. Instead I suddenly grabbed my pillow and actually managed to sob! Not these little pathetic teardrops. I cried till my entire face was wet and my nose an entire mess. Granted I could still only cry for a minute but I can't remember the last time I cried this much. And the whole time whilst I cried, I thought "Why me?" and "What did I do to deserve this?". Which I'd like to think are a lot better to say than what my IC was saying before.
I feel... I don't know, mad for being in an EF but accomplished I've let myself cry like that.

I have a humorous theory that maybe I can't cry is because I used up all my cry-quota. When I was a child and I cried, I cried a LOT. I cried till I was hyperventilating and barely able to breathe. I'm certain I cried more than the average child. Thus I'm all out of tears now, I cried more than what was expected of me. So now I just have to wait for my supply of tears to 'refill'.

I don't know if I'm still in an EF or not. I hope writing this has grounded me a little. I'm afraid of tripping and losing the positivity I hold so gently in my hands, afraid I'm going to fall back into that dark pit. I don't know what caused the EF, haven't had one this long before but I won't think about it yet, not until my mind is clear and less foggy. It might be the nightmares that kick-started it but I'm not sure.

[Blueberry]

  

I hope you are feeling less EF and more grounded now that you've written a bit and cried.

You have such a way with words, AA! I don't, they keep disappearing today.  So just sending more 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you Blueberry, means a lot.

[DecimalRocket]

Ah, Aa. I've had a tough time recently and finally teared up in a similar way you have too. Many of us here have been taught not to cry, not to get so emotional, but this is what's true healing is to many of us. No crying to a minute of deep crying sounds like progress to me.

You're worth it, and you don't need to punish yourself for being human. I won't blame you. Or angrily yell at you. Or minimize the intense pain of what you're going through. No pressure, no rushing and no hatred.

Take care of yourself, Aa,

[sanmagic7]

crying.  it has been our nemesis and our savior and a lot of us are still trying to find a balance with it.  i know i am. 

i was shut down from crying by harsh criticism and mockery.  there were many years, situations, and circumstances for which i didn't cry.  the first time i went into therapy half a lifetime ago was when my crying began again.  then, however, it just kept leaking out generically at anything emotional.  i couldn't stop myself and it continued to get worse and more often.

lately, i've been able to find some focus for it, and have cried heartily on several occasions in the past weeks.  these tears have been different, as if they've had a purpose.  i believe they have been cathartic and cleansing, even tho difficult and exhausting.  still, i'm glad for this new direction - it's seeming to bring resolution to some very old issues.

i think your time will come, a.a., when you'll be able to cry again, and it will be more appropriate, more directed, and with understanding.   i'm really happy for you that you had that great cry.  i don't doubt more will come.  good for you for letting it happen.  these tears of ours are full of toxins.  also hope you're out of that nasty ef.  those are not fun.

warm, loving hug for you, my dear.  it's too bad we can't all have a good cry together.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I can't believe it's been 6-7 years.
So much has happened, naturally. I honestly feel like a completely different person, changed in so many ways. I was 17 or 18 when I last wrote here, and am now 25. None of this happened in one day of course but I...

• Moved out of my FOO's house
• Volunteered at a cat shelter for some time
• Adopted two cats
• Revisited London to replace some old bad memories
• Finished a traineeship
• Visited Hong Kong (beautiful city)
• Resolved my iron deficiency that I had since I was a child
• Got an IT job working in state government
• Bought a house
• Got a promotion (I'm a senior IT officer now, fancy!)
• Became the owner of a large online support community

I have spent the last hour reading through my old posts here, recalling some forgotten memories, learning about my past self. Though tiring it has been insightful. The subject of this journal is "Atramenteous to Vibrant" and hey, so far it shows! Of course, there is still things to work on, things to be improved. I need to exercise more, cook more, figure out how to deal with this new chronic pain thing... but am still definitely in a far better place now than I was before. But for now, I will take pride in my progress. The darker journaling can come later heh.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I wanted to babble on about my findings so far on suspected dissociative disorders. I could have gone to a dedicated dissociative disorder forum for this but I find the over saturation of personal concepts can actually hamper the learning process. I spend too much time comparing myself to others, and not spending enough time just... contemplating and introspecting myself alone.

Anyway, here's my summarised past journey on dissociation and fragmented identities:

TW: Neglect
As a child and teen I often wrote about a fantasy universe, a realm away from the real one - a place completely under my control, the characters and world shaped with my own mind and hands. When everything was taken from me, my belongings, my entertainment, my food, my privacy - they at least could not take away my own inner mind.
TW END

So, perhaps I should not be surprised then that the characters I had fostered became... real? Something more than just fantasy, a way of coping with the real world and not just my own inner world. At first unfortunately it was nothing but the releasing of suppressed anger, from parts that were locked away the moment I realised anger was not an emotion I was allowed to feel. It is... blurry. I could only recall that my friends and exes would tell me that I said horrible, harmful, or very alarming things to them, and yet I cannot remember even a single quote of what I might have said to them. All this is so unclear that it's hard to define when it truly started but the first anecdote I'd heard from another dates these occurrences back to at least 2013.

On a later occasion, I remembering coming to, finding myself in front of a blank computer screen. I found a note left by another part of myself. It stated that I'd gotten into a precarious and triggering conversation online and (for my own safety) this part left the online chat for me. At least said part had the courtesy to report this on paper! Though I cannot recall what the triggering conversation was about, and the note didn't go into detail of such either.

I had various dissociative events like this apparently that my partner witnessed and has described to me afterwards. How many times these events happened? How many different parts have shown up?  Outside of those more obvious events though - I still retain old art work and music lyrics that I'd written in the past, many describing the state of my mind. They highlighted my rapidly changing thoughts, multiple concurrent thoughts, personality inconsistencies, not knowing who I was, indecisiveness, forgetfulness, memory blanks, and more.

I finally had an opportunity to delve into therapy, and described all these matters to my T. We focused on my CPTSD primarily, and as that went along, my personality seemed to stabilise. This in turn helped to alleviate a lot of other similar symptoms, and so I chalked my previous dissociation periods up to just being "I was young and imaginative". We ceased our sessions after 3 years, mutually agreeing that I'd be ready to tackle future problems myself. But alas, as I've plunged back into the open world and had the time to collect more stressful experiences, the symptoms have made a return.

Now these dissociative events are back, but this time they're a lot harder to hide. Since I now have more life experience, access to more tools (better technology especially), it's become so much easier to document my life and notice what is happening to me.I've been working on publishing my own personal site, and found my about-me had been changed 4-5 times, each version being completely different from the previous one. However, even if something gets deleted or modified by another part, auto backups are a thing lol.  My parts can't hide from me now, I know you exist.

So, now I'm trying to... talk to them, I suppose? Because I'm really tired of arguing with myself all the time, tired of things changing all the time. I struggle to establish new healthier habits, struggle to form new friendships. Even just learning a new language is incredibly slow and frustrating. But now that I'm back in therapy,  hopefully things will get easier and I'll figure out how to deal with all this. Maybe these parts can even talk to my T to help explain some things.

I was able to deduce all this after a month of introspection, going through old journals, creative works, and with a lot of help from my partner. If you read all of this, thanks!

Regards,
Aphotic.

[dollyvee]

Hi Aphotic,

I just want to say congrats to you on all you've achieved    and that you're able to recognize that you did those things 

I can imagine it would be stressful, and somewhat scary, to learn that you're dissociating and have different parts that can take the drivers seat at any time. I hope that you're able to explore them with your t.

I'm learning a language, or goint back to one I learned in school many, many years ago, and I think there's something about the centres of our brain touched by trauma and the language centres. I'm just guessing here, and haven't done a sufficient google, but I wonder if being drilled pronounciation when I was very young (4 or 5) did something to help mitigate the traumatic things that were happening by using those centres of the brain? I don't know, just a thought.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Aphotic,

I resonate with your childhood of living in a fantasy world. I did the same. I've also created my own websites (They weren't very good), and I found that writing my "about the author" page was nearly impossible. I eventually removed my ATA page and replaced it with "Under construction".

I think a huge percentage of authors and screenwriters and music writers are like us. They lived in a fantasy world that was so real, they ended up writing about it. Trauma has given the world some of its best art.

I used to blank out and end up dealing with repercussions from things I had no memory of doing. But I was also gaslighted for most of my life by a family who would intentionally lie about what I'd done, leaving me so freaking confused, that I had no idea if what they said I'd done was even true. I was also not allowed to be angry. Ever. I now understand that the ONE thing bullies can't stand over anything else is when their victims stand up to them. So if they can have control over us from our birth, they hedge their bets by making sure we never feel safe standing up to them.  Monsters. They're soulless monsters!

I sometimes like to say that I'm so easily blamed for things I didn't do that if you accuse me of being behind the grassy knoll when President Kennedy was assassinated when I was three years old, I'd confess to it. I was 2,000 miles away and only three years old, but if you say I did it, I must have done it. BUT THAT's the ultimate goal of gaslighting: To take away the victim's ability to trust reality and even to trust our own perceptions. It's insidious but it happens all the time.

I hope you and your t are able to get some good work done with your IFS parts. They are all on your side, but they are as confused as you are. Good IFS work really helps the parts find a solid understanding of the real world and let go of their attachment to the past.

I wish you the best,
PC.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you dollyvee, your kind words are very much appreciated!

Thanks Papa Coco for your response.

They are all on your side, but they are as confused as you are.

Haha, yes, definitely.

I used to blank out and end up dealing with repercussions from things I had no memory of doing. But I was also gaslighted for most of my life by a family who would intentionally lie about what I'd done, leaving me so freaking confused, that I had no idea if what they said I'd done was even true. I was also not allowed to be angry. Ever. I now understand that the ONE thing bullies can't stand over anything else is when their victims stand up to them. So if they can have control over us from our birth, they hedge their bets by making sure we never feel safe standing up to them.  Monsters. They're soulless monsters!

TW: Physical and emotional abuse
Absolutely. I recall the few times I tried to stand up for myself to my parents, and how it ended up in me getting hurt. I learned very quickly that my opinions and own needs were meaningless, that it would only cause me pain. The majority of my childhood was spent in a fawn response, being silent and obedient. Occasionally I'd test the waters, try to express myself again, and then end up sorely regretting it. Even something as simple as "Can we please have less salt on the potatoes next time?" would send my father into an absolute rage. Atrocious...

I feel that my brain locked parts of me away, leaving only a hollow blank canvas for others to draw all over and do whatever they want with. And thus, I don't know who I am, I only know the identities of my parts. I'm safe now but despite this, when I allow myself to be angry, or sad, or needy... I can't see those emotions as mine. I forbid them from being mine because I'll get hurt. But when I see these emotions as coming from my other parts, it feels right, feels safe.
TW END

Apologies for the sudden triggering rant.

Here's an odd analogy for the day: I am like... a tree branch. And my parts are an assortment of birds. When a bird/part lands on my branch, I can feel their identity and their emotions. They sing and talk for me, they act as my representative. When one bird is on my branch, it is easier to understand what is going on, but they hold only a portion of my emotions, skills, and experiences. If a group of birds sit on my branch, it is very noisy and confusing, but I have my full range of emotions and skills. Usually I have two or three birds sitting on my branch at any given moment. I am seldom just me, a branch alone. And if I am, I feel I don't know who I am, what I am, how to speak, how to feel. So I welcome the birds...

Sometimes someone or something will shake the tree, shake my branch - a particularly strong visual or emotional flashback, or perhaps a nightmare. It shoos most of the flock away, except for the one bird that has the best experience in dealing with said trauma. One bird for example may be excellent at cleaning, so when a trigger happens that relates to cleaning, that bird will stay and sing for me.

Hopefully that all makes sense, heh.
Maybe I should develop the analogy a little more. It can be helpful visualising these things.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Had my second session with T yesterday. Using my paper journals, I spoke more about my named parts and the daily confusion I'm feeling. My T asked what causes my emotions and personality to shift so drastically but I can't recall. So now I need to try and get into the habit of identifying triggers a little better and writing them down too. I have tried doing that in the past I believe but stopped doing so because parts of me didn't feel like it was helpful, and I often ended up with gaps in my recorded timeline. But maybe the pressure of my T expecting it may help get most of my parts on board.

To give a brief description of what the confusion feels like, here's every concurrent thought in my head currently: What is this for again? You're overthinking this. Oi you should be working right now. What's for lunch? I want to play games. Record your emotional shift identifications in a spreadsheet with a form to add entries with! I don't want to email this person. Don't forget your mod duties. What do they think of me? Am I doing this right? You don't need an entire spreadsheet for your emotional shifts. I've been writing this for a while now huh. I want a hug. I absolutely don't want a hug. Concentrate. I want to read comics. This is boring and I'm hungry. These little forum face animations are so cute. What else do I need to get this job done? I want to watch stuff. You're just switching browser tabs but not actually doing anything. Did you take your pill? Just hurry up and email this person already, we got stuff to do.

And the multitude of thoughts ceased a little when my coworker asked me to do something for them. I think that's cause all of my parts like this coworker and are happy to help them out.

But yeah, that's what I'm dealing with on a daily basis at the moment. Often times when I say or do something it feels wrong because half of me disagrees with whatever I'm saying or doing. It's taking 10x longer to get anything done because of this. SHUSH. Just post this!

 

[rainydiary]

My thoughts get like this too.  I hope you find a way to notice them and any patterns that is supportive to you.