Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[NarcKiddo]

Oh, my. That happened to someone in my gym and they healed fine. I do not know them well enough to have been privy to details about recovery and suchlike.

Wishing you all the very best for a successful surgery and a fast recovery. And don't let those medics boss you around. I know one should take the doctor's advice and that is right, of course. But given my recent hospital experience I would say you are your best advocate. If you are not sure of something, or something does not feel right - speak up. Ask all the questions you have.

    

[Blueberry]

Thinking of you Bach and sending well wishes for recovery from operation

[Bach]

This is the beginning of something I've been trying to write.  I can't really get it to go where I want it to go, but I've put too much effort into it to erase it and forget about it. 

My mother got pregnant with me accidentally-on-purpose to manipulate my father, and started to resent me before I was even born because her pregnancy didn't get her what she wanted from him.  Thus, I was born her scapegoat, and she was hostile towards me from the beginning.  She decided that there was something wrong with me, that I was crazy or defective or unlovable or something like that, and she sold that narrative to everyone in the world including me.  I spent many years of my life operating on the premise that I was crazy, but also that I was BAD.  That somehow it was all my fault.  Thus, all the difficulties I had in life, all the emotions, all the reactions, the mistakes, the discomforts, the illnesses...the longing to be loved, the wish that I could be SOMEONE ELSE without even knowing who that would be...all immutable, all a part of my fundamental make-up, but at the same time, something that I had chosen to be and could choose not to be if I really really wanted to.  It was all on me, in every way.  All my responsibility to manage and minimise however I could, even though it was inevitable that I would fail, impossible for me to ever be good enough.

Every so often it hits me how everyone in my life including my father who should have known better bought into this and gave up on me very early in my life, therefore making it pretty much true.  I've never been able to be who I could have been.  The struggle now is to not give up on being who I can still be.  The anger is real, even though I can't feel it for more than a moment.  Even though it quickly degrades into depression and self-hatred.  The anger is real. 

[NarcKiddo]

The anger is real, and quite right, too. But you are real, too. The kind you. The caring you. The smart you. The resourceful you. The brave you. That's all there, Bach.

I fully applaud and understand the desire to be all you could be, and the resentment that you were held back and prevented from achieving things you wish you had achieved. That happened to me, too, and it sucks. But the self-hatred is particularly sad because you are loveable just as you are. I wonder if you maybe need to consider celebrating who Bach is now as well as trying to get where you want Bach to go.

Alright, alright. Don't look at me like I have three heads for making such a suggestion. I do know just how hard it is to celebrate who we are, when we don't even know who we truly are. I'm trying to work out who NK is, after all. And maybe you need to get to know Bach better before you can consider celebrating her. But please do, because the Bach I have seen is totally good enough.

[Armee]

The anger is real and it is healthy that you are feeling it even though only for split second blasts.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I am glad you were able to write those things, and that you have been able to feel some things relating to it. 

I thought of you this morning - I tend to think about the exercises you shared with me, relating to stimulating the vagus nerve, and one of those that I still do is tolerating some cold shower (mainly because my shower is slow to warm up!) - but I am so thankful to you for sharing those exercises back ages ago.  I thought to myself, I must pop into Bach's journal and say 'hi' - so I am doing so 

Hope 

[Bach]

Thank you for the kind words and support, friends.  Hope, I'm glad you found something helpful in my suggestions. 

I've been very depressed lately.  Things have been just too much since the floods in December and January.  I could have maybe gotten past that by now except that bad things keep happening.  We've had work layoffs and scary and expensive medical difficulties, and every time I think I'm catching my breath, bam, something else comes along to knock it right out of me again.  I'm struggling to believe that anything will ever get better.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I've been very depressed lately.  Things have been just too much since the floods in December and January.  I could have maybe gotten past that by now except that bad things keep happening.  We've had work layoffs and scary and expensive medical difficulties, and every time I think I'm catching my breath, bam, something else comes along to knock it right out of me again.  I'm struggling to believe that anything will ever get better.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, Bach. Maybe try to remember to take things one step at a time.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Bach]

I appreciate your comment, Aphotic 

It occurred to me yesterday that with my recent awareness of how old I am and how fast the time is going that a component of my recent depression is realising that the life I would have liked to live was never in the cards for me, and I am grieving it. Now the question is, how can I finish grieving the life I was never going to have and get on with making something out of the one I do before it's too late?

[NarcKiddo]

how can I finish grieving the life I was never going to have and get on with making something out of the one I do before it's too late?

You have not said that these things should happen consecutively, but I just wanted to say that it may be possible to handle these things concurrently, in case you are feeling that one chapter needs closed first. Maybe it does, but not necessarily.

I do dislike how CPTSD makes us grieve the non-existent. The life we were never going to have. The parent we never had. Any number of people we may have thought we had only to discover they were some other person altogether. In my case that's my mother, and a past boyfriend too. Ugh. And yet it also feels wrong to say they are/were non-existent because in my head they existed. That's why the grieving is necessary, I guess.

 

[Chart]

Bach I totally relate to this:
My mother got pregnant with me accidentally-on-purpose to manipulate my father, and started to resent me before I was even born because her pregnancy didn't get her what she wanted from him.

My mother did the EXACT same thing. And like you it utterly didn't work.

In my case I wasn't scapegoated however. In my case I became the emotional dumping ground when my mother finally left my biological father and his violence. She remarried, but my adoptive father is severely aspergers and possesses almost zero emotion. So my mother used me as her surrogate husband to fulfill her emotional void (she herself was severely emotionally neglected by her mother and father...)

I did not subsequently suffer scapegoat-abuse from my mother. But it was implicit to everyone that I had failed in my predestined role of mariage-savior. I was subsequently totally inhibited from prioritizing my own emotions, even as an infant. My mother's feelings always came first. Recently in an emdr session I retrieved a memory of bullying that, after running home, I hesitated to inform my mother because I "knew" she would make me "pay her back" for any emotional support she gave me. Retrieving that memory was completely unexpected. My mother's abuse was insidious beyond mesure.

But my story aside, I'd like to point out a couple things. I think, as you mention, that you are suffering from depression. I speak from experience that our depression is that intense inner suffering seeking healing through mourning. And yes, depression greatly reduces our capacities to live our lives the way we want to. But I think it is counter-productive to imagine that this is a choice on our part or something we can overcome with willpower. We know how to work with awareness of our depression to heal and reduce the frequency. We must focus on that and shush the regret-critic. (Which I know isn't easy.)

I look at this work in myself now as a joy of finding my true 'Self' outside of the stunted-me created by my biological parents.

This, in and of itself is an enormous accomplishment. Most people with healthy parents have this innately. But We are doing this on our own.

What's the "advantage"? All this suffering for "what"? Especially that so many folks got off scot-free with 'good enough' parenting???

Consciousness... You, I, everyone on this Forum sees "reality" much much closer to what it really and truly is. This is not something most people in the world have. When I listen to most politicians I can "feel" that their souls are dead. In contrast, I can "feel" that YOUR soul is alive.

Small consolation perhaps, but I'm not sure... I don't think I would trade places with anyone on this planet, not a hollywood/rich/handsome/famous/ ANYONE purporting to have a better life than me. I honestly don't believe they do, even with all my trauma and suffering. We "know" and "feel" like others can't imagine.

There are things I want, but I want to stay who I am and get those things, or not. But always stay who I am.

Bach, you are beautiful and tender, soft but huge-hearted. You are so much already, and so much to be so proud of. It is your Trauma that is keeping you from seeing and feeling all that. And that is NOT your fault. Regret is part of that Trauma. Leave it behind you. Your future is all that matters now. The past is only dead souls murmuring nonstop lies. You will break out of this depression pattern. And soon. You are doing the work and therapy and deep honest communication with people here and in your life. Change Will come. Hang in there.

There's a Moby line I love to quote, "It's always darkest just before the dawn..."

I'm right there with you, Bach. We can do this. Much love and support, Chart

[Bach]

NK, I think I sort of do assume that those things have to happen consecutively, because the prevailing opinion (not here, elsewhere) is that the one is holding me back from the other.  The idea that it might not be so is interesting and I need to give it some thought.  That's challenging because I've only just now begun to really wrap my head around the idea that I'm grieving and that grieving is necessary.  I've been running away from it all my life.

Chart, thank you for your reply.  There's a lot to think about there, too.  It's difficult for me to accept your kind words and your generous view of me, but I am here and I am trying.   

Meanwhile, I need to stop doing stupid things that mess me up.  Why can't I remember that the reason I should not snack late at night is not "it will make me fat" but "I will wake up depressed in the morning and then deal with intrusive thoughts of dying all day"? 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Meanwhile, I need to stop doing stupid things that mess me up.  Why can't I remember that the reason I should not snack late at night is not "it will make me fat" but "I will wake up depressed in the morning and then deal with intrusive thoughts of dying all day"?

Eep, I get the frustration. Would be so nice if we could be entirely in sync with our own brains, to do everything that is good for us and never do anything bad. But alas... humans are odd and imperfect.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

Trauma... trauma. The hardest thing a human can endure.
Sending love and hope to all.
 

[sanmagic7]

bach,

Now the question is, how can I finish grieving the life I was never going to have and get on with making something out of the one I do before it's too late?

also being up there in years, this quote from you resonated.  the first thing that came to mind was 'one step at a time'.  i know it sounds trite, but i guess it's all i have. many days i feel pretty useless, especially when there is a hangover from trauma and i can't do what i want cuz my body or mind is not where i need it to be. it sucks.

by the by, i also related to the eating at nite stuff - i'll eat too much too close to bedtime, feel too full, and feel crappy the next day.  also sucks.  on 'better' days, this doesn't happen, so i'm hopeful that as there gets to be more of the better days, this will happen less often.  hopefully for you, too.  love and hugs