Hope's Journal 2024

[Hope67]

Thank you so much Blueberry & SanMagic   

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Wow, I came here just now, and now I can't think of what I want to say.  Never mind, I'll come back when I am able to express something!
Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed the holiday.

[woodsgnome]

Welcome back to this place, where we can't always seem to find words. And that's okay, sometimes even necessary. 

Sometimes it seems like we have lots we feel we'd like to say, but not the words with which to express it more fully. So much of this 'stuff' runs deep; it's almost as if it gets stuck in the attempt to bring it forward.

We get it -- sometimes it stifles, and other times it's just where we need to be, as we adjust and reflect on what to say and how to bring it out as we'd like.

And/or maybe it's just not time.

At any rate, welcome back ...    

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo, Thanks - I did enjoy the holiday 

Hi Woodsgnome, Thanks, I appreciate what you said here about not always being able to find the right words.  And that it's okay and sometimes even necessary. I related to that so much.  I think you encapsulated it really well - it really does seem to get 'stuck' and I think that goes for expressing things, as well as creating things.  Anyway, thank you for saying what you said - it was really helpful to me and made me feel less awkward for not being able to express myself at the time.   

  to you both NarcKiddo and Woodsgnome. 

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24th June 2024
I love these dates that have the same at the start and the end 24th day of June in the year 2024. 

I am glad I went on holiday - even though it caused me some anxiety before, and sometimes during, and even afterwards - but I essentially enjoyed it, and was glad that I went on holiday.

I think I've been achieving more things since I've been back, and have been making notes of those things in my paper diary - in terms of noting the things, and giving myself some gratitude for achieving them.  I definitely think that my nervous system is calmer generally - and this means I can stay more grounded and able to think clearer.  But I realise the triggers and the effects of them, and how it can freeze my brain, and therefore I often write things down if I'm attempting to do a task involving phoning - so I have information to hand, incase someone asks me a question.

Regarding my reading - I'm currently reading 'A Therapeutic Journey: Lessons from the School of Life' by Alain de Botton, and also a book called 'Joyful' by Ingrid Fetell Lee.  I dip into both of them, from time to time, and have found them to be calming and enjoyable.  They have some wise words within them. 

I particularly like how Alain de Botton's book talks about 'living in the present' and I wrote a couple of notes from it, which I'll include here (to remind me of them):

p.168
"Tonight, we might - once more - choose to stay in, do some reading, finish patching a hole in a cardigan, try a new place for the armchair and be intensely grateful that we have overcome the wish to live too much in the minds of strangers."

p86
"It looks childlike but it is in fact the essence of adulthood to recognise and make space for our regressive tendencies."

p.96 "Take some time off from self-analysis."

p.98
"We need to be selfish about the state of our spirits and ruthless in removing ourselves from situations that sap us.  We should go to bed early, eat lightly, bathe often, go for a walk every day, have something pleasant to distract us and, most of all, be kind to ourselves." (he added 'because of the mess we are in' (but I chose to leave that out - although mentioned it as he did say it).

I particularly like this:
p.98
"We will gradually grow well again as we learn to lead the peaceful, warm-hearted, kindly and well-regulated lives that our minds have craved for so long".

p.101
"What do I actually want to do?
Whose opinion do I really care about?"

p.151
"Once we have learned to draw value from inexpensive things, we can never be poor."

The 'Joyful' book looks at "The Surprising Power of Ordinary Things to Create Extraordinary Happiness' and Ingrid Fetell Lee has written a book that is enjoyable to read (in my opinion).  I haven't written any notes from it, I've just been enjoying reading it.

Glad to have written some things here today.
Hope 

[AphoticAtramentous]

24th June 2024
I love these dates that have the same at the start and the end 24th day of June in the year 2024.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one that marvels at these occasions. Just a fun happy little sequence of numbers.

I am glad I went on holiday - even though it caused me some anxiety before, and sometimes during, and even afterwards - but I essentially enjoyed it, and was glad that I went on holiday.

Am happy you enjoyed yourself! I understand how anxiety-inducing these things can be, to do something out of the usual. But... sometimes we do need to do something out of the usual, to step away from the daily stresses for a bit (and instead find new alternative stresses lol).

I love the quotes you provided, thanks for sharing them.

bathe often

Love this although my water bill says otherwise. 

Regards,
Aphotic

[Hope67]

Hi Aphotic,  Thanks for what you said - and yes, bathing often does impact on water bills - I don't do it as often as I'd like!

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28th June 2024
I am looking forward to the weekend.  To opportunities to do more reading, to go out walking, to maybe do some cooking/baking. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

24th June 2024
I love these dates that have the same at the start and the end 24th day of June in the year 2024. 

I am glad I went on holiday - even though it caused me some anxiety before, and sometimes during, and even afterwards - but I essentially enjoyed it, and was glad that I went on holiday.

I love those kinds of dates too Hope

I'm glad you went on holiday too and that you essentially enjoyed it despite some anxiety.    I presume it did you good too since you've been achieving more since you got back.

Thank you for the quotes from the books you've been reading.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I hope you were able to enjoy your weekend and all the things you wanted to do.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok 

dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you for what you said  I agree that the holiday did do me some good.  I have definitely achieved more since I got back.  That is something to celebrate 

Hi Dollyvee,
Yes, I enjoyed that weekend - and I appreciate very much your hug  thank you. 

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9th July 2024
I read the book 'Letting Go' by David R. Hawkins, and I am grateful to Papa Coco for talking about that book in his journal, as I wouldn't have known to try to read it otherwise.  I found it quite an interesting thing, because I felt like the over-riding suggestion to allow the emotions to be released without any suppression, and without further internal discourse, that felt (wow, I can't feel like I'm writing that correctly, as I don't think that's what David Hawkins said) - anyway, I'm not editing myself - it was similar to allowing the feeling in the way that I've found that Janina Fisher has talked about - so I felt like it was useful in being a similar thing. (feel bad for how I've worded that).

Anyway, I then had bought another book - which was due to the re-visiting of a previous thread about Shame, and so now I've got the book 'Healing the Shame that Binds You' by John Bradshaw.  I honestly feel like he's written that book about me, and about my FOO, as I relate SO much to what he wrote there - I'm up to p.184 now, so I'm already more than half-way through his book - but I won't do any exercises till I read the entire book, and then go back to them.  I tend to do that when I'm reading stuff, as I think I need to ensure that all parts of me are ok with what is written and then I can tackle things - or avoid them, depending on what ends up happening.  But I really do think that it will be helpful, and I already feel it has helped. 

At the same time, I am reading a book that I saw in the library - it is called 'Sociopath: A Memoir' and it's by Patric Gagne, who is "a writer, therapist, and advocate for people suffering from sociopathic, psychopathic, and antisocial personality disorders'.  I couldn't resist taking the book to read - mainly because I wanted to read a memoir and learn more. 

I can conclude that I am not a sociopath (not that I had truely thought that I might be) but I think that part of me can never be too sure about what different parts of me may or may not be.  But I am relating to some things she's written in her memoir, and that is really helpful to me.  I am on p.115 so far in that book, so not yet half-way.  I think that the relationship that Patric has with her Mum seems way better than my relationship with my M, and yet Patric did express some anger at her M at one point in the book, and I really felt admiration for her being able to stand up to her M and say things she wanted to say.  I would never dare to do that to my M.  She was too scary.

Just had a thought that whilst I read the "Letting Go" book - there was about a day when I felt quite 'high' and 'free' as if I'd really managed to get somewhere in letting out some suppressed feelings.  But that feeling didn't last beyond that time.  But it was interesting that I felt it.

I think I need to do more jotting down of thoughts - so that I can bring those realisations that come up from time to time, and ensure I capture them in my journal, as I think it could easily be missed - or I might not feel able to put links together. 

I have talked to my partner about the 'Sociopath' book - in terms of saying that essentially I didn't think that Patric seemed like a sociopath at first - that she didn't really do much that seemed that bad.  That I felt things were similar to some of my experiences - but we discussed the fact that some of the things I said to him, that I had felt a lot of guilt and feelings about those things, and he said that a sociopath would be unable or unlikely to feel that. 

(Trigger warning, mentioning a strange dream - a bit disturbing)
I have been having very realistic dreams in the past days - in one I was literally pulling something out of my right ear, and feeling that it had to be pulled out (like some kind of elastic stuff) and that it felt 'good' to be pulled out - but then in the dream, I heard someone saying 'Oh no, she is pulling her brains out - that's no good!'  and then I felt stupid for not having realised what I was doing, and potentially causing myself some kind of brain damage - but at the same time, thinking that it had felt like the 'right' thing to be doing.  Bizarre dream really.

(end of trigger warning).

I feel like it's the 'right' time for me to be reading the "Healing the Shame that Binds You' book - because it makes a lot of sense to me, and I relate to it now.  I'm not sure if I'd have felt that way until now.  I don't know.  But it feels ok to be reading it now.  I really think it will help me.  I notice that the edition I've bought is called an 'expanded and updated edition' and John Bradshaw talked about some changes he's made within it, and I just feel lucky to be reading this edition - I had asked my library previously why they didn't have that book - they never replied to me about that - and I didn't chase it up.  Then when the Shame thread was brought back into my attention, I decided to order the book - it feels like serendipity that that happened, and that instead of maybe reading an old edition of a book in the library (if it had been there) I have actually got a copy that is very up to date and helpful.

Whilst I'm writing this, I'm aware that there are things I could have written about today that would have been quite difficult, as this week there is one of those dates that is difficult - due to connections with FOO - but I don't feel able to write about those things - except that I have been extra kind to myself and not putting myself under undue pressures - so that I can allow myself time to just be with those feelings and thoughts related to that thing. 

Glad to have written what I have written today.
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate all the things you share about reading you do.  I have a really hard time reading non-fiction books so am glad to learn from others.  I also appreciate that you gain so much through reading. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Anyway, I then had bought another book - which was due to the re-visiting of a previous thread about Shame, and so now I've got the book 'Healing the Shame that Binds You' by John Bradshaw.  I honestly feel like he's written that book about me, and about my FOO, as I relate SO much to what he wrote there - I'm up to p.184 now, so I'm already more than half-way through his book - but I won't do any exercises till I read the entire book, and then go back to them.  I tend to do that when I'm reading stuff, as I think I need to ensure that all parts of me are ok with what is written and then I can tackle things - or avoid them, depending on what ends up happening.  But I really do think that it will be helpful, and I already feel it has helped.

It's really cool that you're reading so much! I wish I had the time and concentration for that! I like your method of handling the book though, scoping it out first before you partake in the exercises. Glad it's been helping you thus far!

and yet Patric did express some anger at her M at one point in the book, and I really felt admiration for her being able to stand up to her M and say things she wanted to say.  I would never dare to do that to my M.  She was too scary.

I feel you on that one, too scary indeed.

(Trigger warning, mentioning a strange dream - a bit disturbing)
...

Ah, gives a whole new meaning to getting the thoughts out of one's head. 

Regards,
Aphotic.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Glad the reading of Healing the Shame That Binds You is going well and that it spoke to you about your FOO.

I hope you're able to do the exercises when you get a chance.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary - Thank you so much.   

Hi Aphotic - I appreciated what you said - thank you - it made me smile when you mentioned getting the thoughts out of one's head - definitely a more graphic and literal way, in my dream!   

Hi Dollyvee - Yes, I hope so too.  I do recognise that I can sometimes avoid doing exercises, but I do hope to attempt some at some point.  Thanks for the support, I appreciate it.

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14th July 2024
I had an incredibly realistic dream last night, and it had a lot of emotional stuff within it.  I felt it was a real changing point - mainly because it involved me approaching a medical examination where I opened up about some physical complaints (relating to my pelvis area) and also opened up about some of the things that had meant I didn't feel able to continue working.  But the very thing of sharing the information with the doctor - and also that there was a staff member there who I also knew in real life (i.e. someone who could have been in that kind of role, but wasn't ever specifically in that role) but was a supportive person from my life - it was a big thing that she was there. 

Anyway, in the dream, I kind of felt some emotion in terms of the reactions I perceived from the people I was telling things to - and wondering if they believed me, and what they thought about it.  Then somehow it was as if I feared that they were going to make me go on a roller-coaster (I avoid roller-coasters through fear), and they wouldn't respond to me, and then I felt incredible anxiety (in the dream) as I realised that we were actually in some kind of building where the offices we were in were moving like a massive big wheel, and infact the office I was in was being transported as if it was on a roller-coaster, and that we would later be plunging down, and I felt acute fear.

Potential Trigger warning - might mention something re: CSA

It was like they had tricked me - like I almost thought I could trust them, and then they tricked me.   The pelvis stuff relates to my fears that 'Was I abused?' or not?  Would there be physical traces that would lead them to realise.  Wanting to know.  Not being sure. 

This brings back a memory of when I went to a psychic fair and paid to speak to someone who was doing reiki and she told me that I had some 'black energy' in my pelvic area.  It's stayed with me - since then - I still think of it. 

Anyway - I felt like once I woke from the dream, I had lots of un-discharged feelings - and I just 'let them out' i.e. didn't hold them in - just allowed them to be felt.  It was good to do that. 

I think it was really good that I had that dream - because it was a big thing to have tried to talk about my stuff with people in the dream, like I had tried to trust them, and talk about things - although clearly the outcome didn't necessarily go well - as I felt trapped by them and on a roller-coaster - but maybe that's the feeling of anxiety.  How it manifests in a very physical way. 

I wanted to write about it in my journal - and then I can re-read it and keep it.  Somehow it feels quite significant to me.

Hope 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think it was really good that I had that dream - because it was a big thing to have tried to talk about my stuff with people in the dream, like I had tried to trust them, and talk about things - although clearly the outcome didn't necessarily go well - as I felt trapped by them and on a roller-coaster - but maybe that's the feeling of anxiety.  How it manifests in a very physical way.

I think you're completely right in your analysis, a true manifestation of anxiety and the experiences that accompany it - the feeling of being trapped, out of your control, fast-paced, adrenaline inducing... Though in reality, whilst we often imagine our worst fears, those fears usually don't come to fruition. Though we may feel that rollercoaster in our mind, offices thankfully do not actually turn into rollercoasters. A good reminder for myself to aim for grounded realism. 

Anyway - I felt like once I woke from the dream, I had lots of un-discharged feelings - and I just 'let them out' i.e. didn't hold them in - just allowed them to be felt.  It was good to do that.

Very good, indeed. I can't even imagine the relief you might have felt when out of the dream and that state of discharge.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Hope67]

Thank you so much Aphotic  I appreciated very much what you said. 

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18th July 2024
I've been reading quite a lot, and also processing more in dreams over the past few days.  My dreams are incredibly realistic at the moment - and I feel as if a part of myself that is normally more 'repressed' has been 'waking up' and acting things out in my dreams lately.  When I was younger, a film that affected me quite a lot was 'Desperately Seeking Susan' and I feel like both those characters are somehow represented in parts of me, and so lately the part that Madonna played is coming out in my dreams.

This makes sense to me, not sure it necessarily does to anyone that might be reading.  I feel a bit embarrassed actually.  But I'm not going to edit anything I write, it's out there now.

I have stopped reading the 'Healing the Shame that Binds me' book about half-way through, because parts of me find it is perhaps a bit too painful to continue - but I intend to go back to it when I feel more grounded with other tools.  Hence I am now reading a book by Christy Gibson (2023) called 'The Modern Trauma Toolkit: Nurture Your Post-traumatic growth with personalized solutions."  I am impressed by her book so far, mainly because of the very caring and kindly way she writes.  I feel (and parts of me feel) as if she truely cares and might understand.  (Another part of me reminds me that I often feel very positive about books as I am reading them, and that it can sometimes be an over-enthusiasm and I should be cautious - but I am quite pleased to be reading her book at the moment).

I finished the book called 'Sociopath' - I took quite a few notes about it.  It was helpful to me.  At one point in the book Patric had said that her boyfriend had used the phrase 'Just relax and let it pass' - and I wanted to note that down, as I particularly liked that phrasing.

I have a strange way of writing notes - but here's a few I've wanted to include here in my journal:

p.347
"It's hard to get lost in the darkness when your shadow is a beam of light."
(I really like that - seems very lovely)

I was interested in what Patric wrote on p.307 "My experience of emotion: a colourful menu of affective reactions, curated, no doubt, from a lifetime of observation."

p.155 "Sociopaths are NOT motivated by attachment.  Lack of attachment."
p.165 "looking for a psychological release as a way to stabilize your mental process.  You were engaging in a risk-driven act to reduce your apathy."

Patric mentioned the work of Robert Plutchik and the primary emotions were listed as Anger, fear, Sadness, Disgust, Surprise, Anticipation, Trust and Joy and mentioned that we are born with those.  Then there were the 'social emotions' which are Empathy, Guilt, Shame, Remorse, Jealousy and Love which are said to be 'learned'.

(I find these descriptions to be interesting because I feel as if in my FOO some of the 'born with' emotions were not encouraged - i.e. I wasn't allowed to be angry, or to show anger.

p.280 I was particularly struck when Patric said "You have to learn to just be you.  All the time.  With everyone." (The context was that she was being told that she should do this.  Her therapist had said to her "I know who you are with me.  I know who you are with David (her boyfriend).  I know who you say you are with this other guy.  But who are you when no one else is around?"

(I think I related to this, in that I think I can become a bit chameleon like around different people, possibly being what I think they would like me to be, rather than being 'me')  Then I think 'Who am I?  What do I like?

p.334 subconcious judgements.  Perceive acts of kindness as manipulation.  Transactional."
(This somehow jolted a memory for me of how surprised I feel if my partner or someone else shows some genuine care and how surprising that is to me, that they could do that - and that they might genuinely mean it. )

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I watched the video that Aphotic shared called 'Petals of a Rose' about the woman with DID and I thought it was a really sensitive portrayal of the inner parts and how they work together.  I loved that she cared about her parts and thanked them for their help in getting her through her life to that point. 

I've also been affected by something that Rainydiary wrote about time blindness and I think she mentioned procrastination in that as well.  I didn't reply directly to that thread, because I felt embarrassed to - not sure why - but I do want to write here that I mentioned procrastination to my partner (as I feel like I suffer greatly from it) and he must have looked it up on the google search engine and he said to me later - Procrastination is a kind of depression, being pre-occupied with the past to the detriment of the present.  Honestly, I really like the simplicity of that - it makes sense to me.  I think that often I am ruminating and therefore can't necessarily do things that I need to do.  Although I am making some progress with those things - better than I have done in the past.

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This morning I had really planned in my mind that I would be some kind of 'superwoman' and that I'd tackle lots of things that I have been meaning to do - I thought that I'd keep different books to log my achievements in those areas - I really thought I'd do some de-cluttering, some weight loss plans, exercise plans etc etc, and I'd keep account of my success with them.  I really believed I'd do it. 

Of course, I've not done any of that.  I have however had a walk this morning, and felt good for getting out in the sunshine.

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Really good to have written this - I had been feeling - not even sure what I was feeling - but whatever it was, I feel some improvement in it for having written this.

Hope