I hope its not a bad idea

[John]

Hello everybody, i suffer from cptsd. Its the only diagnosis that really makes sense to me. I have suffered years of neglect, emotional violence, emotional manipulation and physical viooence as a child by my parents. Nobody ever came to rescue, or help me. I was "healthy" until 3 years ago. I stopped thinking about the abuse and thought that i had worked through it and was free. Than 3 years ago something for me personally very traumatic happened, something that triggered me so much (thats how i try to explain it) that i started to extremly depersonalise and dissociate. It was extreme. I was completly cut of my emotions, nothing felt real. Everything felt distant. Its even hard talking about it for fear it could return. Additionally, a voice started to appear that told me that i deserved everything bad that happened to me. That i was scum, completly worthless. Additionally i developed a harm ocd, which amplified my inner voice that i was bad. It became proof that i was bad and evil like that inner voice told me. Things got so bad that i checked into a hospital for mental health issues. Unfortunatly, the hospital was a bad experience overall. But i got supscriped zoloft and i reconnected with some old friends. That made me "stabil" enough to start going to work again. I started a therapy, but it did not help. It was a cbt therapy and it did not help with my trauma, because of that i paused my therapy for half a year.I will start therapy again this week. I hope i can get help here and communicate and share with people about how to cope and hopefully how to heal. I hope this is not a bad idea and i will not get hurt again. Thank you for listening. 

[Chart]

Welcome John. Only you can decide if the Forum here is good for you or not. Personally it has helped me beyond words. But reviving pain and then dealing with it is perhaps the hardest thing I have ever done. And it's true, there is a lot of pain here. But here on the forum I am not alone. People understand exactly the things I have experienced. Just that in and of itself helps immensely. Personally I find the support I receive here invaluable.
Again, welcome. I hope you find what you need. We're here.
-Chart

[John]

Thank you Chart for the answer. I am very mistrusting of people. I have been hurt and betrayed so often, especially as a chuld by the people who should have loved and protected me. But i am acutally a people kind of guy: i like hanging out and talking to people and i really badly need a positive connection. The tension between those two feelings is very difficult for me. Maybe someone else feels the same and would like to share his/her story. I think it would help me a bit. I am new to this and i dont know where to post something like this. Could you please tell me where i could post it? Thank you

[Chart]

Hi again John,
I think what you described is completely understandable. We all need people and social interaction, but when we've been hurt and abused it's normal to build defenses, which of course limits severely our connection with others.

You can start your own thread (conversation) anytime you want. The best is to "explore" the Forum a little bit and maybe see where the subject of the topic you want to start would best fit. You can look at the same time to see if someone hasn't also started a thread about the same subject. Even so you can start a new thread as you feel.

Take your time exploring the Forum, it's huge and often I just come and "wander" about to see what I discover. You can setup 'Alerts' for particular threads that interest you too. Then you're notified when someone comments. You are automatically alerted on any thread you yourself start.

Hope that helps.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. Joining this forum has been very good for me, and I hope it will be good for you, too.

[Desert Flower]

Welcome John, I'm also quite new here. I'm sorry for what you went trough, it sounds very rough. I can understand you would be mistrusting people and still want to be around people at the same time. I feel here is a good place to start and get the support you need and build some courage maybe.
And like Chart, I find the people on this forum to be very considerate. Everybody's trying to help eachother and be there for eachother when they have something to share. And I find it very empowering to be able to say whatever we have to say without being judged, and not only will there be other people who listen, but indeed people who understand.
Good luck with your therapy next week, I hope it works out for you. I started mine again today, I intend to share some of that experience here later on, but for now I can say I am cautiously hopeful and willing to give it a go.

[Cascade]

... for now I can say I am cautiously hopeful and willing to give it a go.

   -Cascade

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey John,
Welcome to the forum.

I started a therapy, but it did not help. It was a cbt therapy and it did not help with my trauma, because of that i paused my therapy for half a year.I will start therapy again this week. I hope i can get help here and communicate and share with people about how to cope and hopefully how to heal. I hope this is not a bad idea and i will not get hurt again. Thank you for listening.

I hope your therapy goes well. I know how daunting it can be after such a previous bad experience. But it's really good that you're still trying and giving it another go!

Regards,
Aphotic.

[John]

Thank you everybody. I actuallywill have my first session today. I am really scared.

[Desert Flower]

This is what Aphotic wrote to me when I went for therapy yesterday, and I'll repeat it for you John:

"Hey John, I also recently started therapy again! I definitely understand your anxiety though, and the fear of not being believed. Unfortunately it is near impossible to tell how good it will turn out until you get there. But there is that saying... you can't hit the target if you don't shoot at all. May turn out unpleasant, may turn out great - but you're giving it a go and that's the important thing! I do hope it goes well though!"

Good luck, John! 

[Chart]

Good luck john! Hope it went well, but regardless, bravo for the effort and intention. Indeed, gotta keep trying!
 

[Papa Coco]

John,

Welcome to the forum. I hope to hear that your first day back into therapy was helpful. I totally feel the fear that you talked about the day before therapy.

Our complex healing from a complex childhood of neglect and abuse is a journey best taken with friends who are on the same journey. This forum has been that cache of friends for me. As I experience different triggers and treatments, the people here seem to go with me in spirit and word. I hope we can do the same for you.

I'm like you. I'm a very social person who tends to isolate because of fear and shame. I want friends so badly, and then I struggle with those friends due to my own trust issues. I'm working on acceptance. We are what we are. Everyone on earth was dealt a hand to play, and this CPTSD is my hand to play.

I hope that as you interact with the healing resources that we have available to us now, that you find a path that works well for you. My T always tells me that the reason I'm still alive is because I never stop searching for treatments. A multi-pronged approach to healing is what seems to work the best. Therapy. Good books written by professionals who truly understand Complex-PTSD. Medications. Meditation. Spiritual exploration. EMDR. DBT. Sharing our experiences with like-minded friends....and so many more tools. By exploring them as they come into our purview, we continually move forward and grow out of the shame and isolation of Complex-PTSD.

I hope we can make you comfortable here on the forum. It's one of my very favorite treatments, and I do a lot of the treatments. But this forum has been one that has given me the most joy and sense of belonging.

Welcome!

[Hope67]

Hi John,
Welcome to the forum.   
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS John! Just posting here is a great start to finding your way through to recovery. Lots of caring people who get it which is hard to find in face-to-face settings.   

I hope your therapy went well.  Very normal to feel scared by the way.     

[John]

Thank you everybody for the supportive words. I think it went well. She did not reject me and said that she will try to help me. She is very young and not so experienced. I dont feel like i can just completly trust her and guide through this storm. Not because she has ill intentions towards me ( my critic things otherwise) , but because she is not so experienced. She just recently finished her certification and i am not sure she exactly knows what she is doing. It would be nice to have someone experienced who i would trust that he/she knows what to do. How to maneuver through the storm.