Recovered Lost Memories of SA through Psychedelic Therapy

[Denverite]

I want to share this aspect of my story in the hopes that others get something from it. And maybe I also will, through the simple act of sharing.

In 2020 I started doing psychedelic work to get to the bottom of my insane levels of shame, depression, self-hatred, and anxiety. At that point, I'd already been a mindfulness meditator for about 10 years, plus I'd been working with CBT and talk therapy for 4 years. So I was somewhat well traveled on the healing path. Yet I still felt fundamentally broken inside. I tried a few psychedelics and learned a lot from them about my habit patterns that were fueling my anxiety and depression, specifically. But I couldn't really touch the core of what I'd later know as C-PTSD. The relational wounds of my ego, which most psychedelics tended to leapfrog right past. I'd have crazy visions and feel better for a few days or weeks but inevitably backslide. I stopped taking psychedelics at the end of 2020 but afterwards, a nagging question started arising in my mind. I couldn't shake the idea that I might have been sexually abused. It just crept in out of nowhere. Nothing that upset me, just this constant ?-mark that would slip in whenever I had a spare moment. I didn't take it seriously since nothing I could remember fit that story.

In 2022, I began sessions with an underground MDMA therapist after discovering both it and C-PTSD as a diagnosis. MDMA is a medicine that's currently being trialed for PTSD in veterans. Right in the first session, I, one, knew that this was actually touching the core of whatever was wrong with me. I could finally feel my feelings after 30 years of being dead inside. Feelings that mostly consisted of a hot volcano of anger and sadness. And, two, I started recovering memories of childhood sexual abuse, among other things.


I'm going to go into a little detail, if that's okay, so *trigger warning* past this point.

As far as I can tell, it happened to me twice. The first time was when I was six years old. That first time wasn't physically violent but but it still ripped a huge hole in my budding ideas of what relationships were. Two workmen in my neighborhood I'd talk to sometimes managed to get me alone one day. They asked me to do "a thing that kids do for grownups all of the time." I did the thing and was happy to make them happy.

The second time was worse, though. I was nine years old and exploring an abandoned house not too far from where we lived. The kids in the neighborhood would go there sometimes to explore as there was an old garden and other things. This time I went alone and there was a homeless man sleeping under some pieces of cardboard. I thought he was hurt; he was sprawled out on the ground, possibly drunk, and covered in junk. So I went over and asked if he was all right -- and he leapt up and grabbed me. Overpowered me in that old house, forced my head towards his crotch and made me open my mouth. Afterwards, he threatened to kill me if I told anyone. So I never told anyone.

No one even noticed what was wrong with me. My mother was deeply neurotic and self-absorbed and my father was always overseas. Worse still, my father would beat us and my mother whenever he was home. So by nine years of age, I'd long equated violence with love.

The people who love me hurt me and this man must really love me. So I went back. Multiple times. He had a name for me that I eventually recalled; "his special boy." I remembered him groping me, checking if I liked it and was hard. "No, still too young," he'd say. He groomed me anyway and I loved him with all of the adoration a lonely, already thoroughly abused child had. I remember telling him about the flowers and bugs I'd find and he actually seemed to be interested, which my parents never were.

Eventually, I told my mother about what was going on. Completely innocently; I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I wanted her to know about "my special friend." That was the first time she ever hit me. Hard, like my dad would, which was shocking to me. Mom was always the "good cop." But she hit me again and again, screaming and crying the entire time. Then she locked me in my room for days until my father came home. Once he heard, he comes in, and what does he do? He threatens to kill me for being abused. I remember his exact words now: "I'll * kill you before I let my son be a fag." He beat the * out of me, like never before. Afterwards, I relived seeing the shame in my mother's eyes, getting lodged deep, deep inside of me.

Shortly after that, my parents divorced, explosively. Which I remember even without the MDMA guidance. It was a...Difficult time to be a child, let's just say. I think part of me even blames myself for their eventual breakup as I was always the one trying to manage their feelings.

It's been such a big pill to swallow, because my mother is dead now, and I don't talk to my father, for obvious reasons. I can't fully prove that this isn't something I made up. But my therapists helped with many helpful questions. "What would I gain from making up something like this? What pieces don't fit what you know about yourself? Is it truly out of the realm of possibility?" This is absolutely the kind of thing my mother would keep from me. ("Don't bring it up, he will eventually forget, kids can do that" a part of me overheard and remembers now) She's kept other huge secrets from me that I had to pry out of her. I do want to ask my dad but also * him in every possible way.

Even without an outside source to confirm it, it just makes so much * sense. The sexual abuse was the puzzle piece I was missing that explained so many of my triggers and hangups. Why men that look a certain kind of way make me simultaneously fawn and freeze. Why I've always felt intense shame around anything sexual. Why I used to have this obsessive fear that I might be a pedophile (I used to teach ESL and a young student of mine hugged my leg once. When he did it awoke a paranoia in me that got so bad I would struggle to even look at kids in public for about a decade). Why I have a huge gap in my memories at 6-11. Why certain conversations over the years with my parents went the way they did. And why I've never once enjoyed sex (I slip into a freeze response as my nervous system expects to get snatched and beaten). I also used to have somatic released after my early session; anal spasms that would last a few days, and more. For a while, it even felt like my genitals were being groped by someone else whenever I'd pee. I learned all of this with my medicine work and through integration sessions with my therapists.

It took me almost a year to even sort of accept that this might have happened. I guess the greatest evidence I have for it being true is that the more I accept, discuss, and integrate the story, the better I feel. The less triggered I am and the more access I have to joy, possibility, peace, and other higher states of being. Thanks for reading this far.

[Chart]

Thank you Denverite. Your story helps and inspires me to keep working. Thank you for your honesty and courage to open up and share. Thank you

[dollyvee]

Hi Denverite,

Thank you for sharing your story. I think it was very brave of you to go through, remember and process all that, truly.

I have certain things which come up that are like whispering around potential CSA, but like you at first, no actual memory. I've heard MDMA therapy works quite well and have tried microdosing, but tend to disassociate, or fall asleep with larger doses. MDMA has been in the back of my mind, but I don't think there's anyone I've met that I would trust with that yet.

I'm glad you've made so much progress with what you've went through.

Sending you support,
Dolly

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thanks for sharing your story, Denverite. I'm sorry you went through all that. The awareness of these memories can be so frightening but also so important to healing.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry these assaults happened to you and for the abuse before and after you told. 

I relate to a lot of what you wrote and have been looking into mdma but was hoping it would be legalized. What you wrote was very helpful and I appreciate you going there. I did a podcast episode about a year ago for the same reason, touching a lot on the knowing without knowing and denial acceptance pieces you talk about. All I wanted too was to help people with similar experiences. I think it's how we try to make it ok.

[Denverite]

Thank you all for your supportive comments! I was worried I might have gone into too much detail but I'm glad it wasn't over the top or triggering for readers. It really helped to read your thoughts as part of what makes healing this so difficult is thinking that no one can relate to these kinds of experiences. I'm glad that is not the case and I wish I could hug you all in person 

Hi Denverite,

Thank you for sharing your story. I think it was very brave of you to go through, remember and process all that, truly.

I have certain things which come up that are like whispering around potential CSA, but like you at first, no actual memory. I've heard MDMA therapy works quite well and have tried microdosing, but tend to disassociate, or fall asleep with larger doses. MDMA has been in the back of my mind, but I don't think there's anyone I've met that I would trust with that yet.

I'm glad you've made so much progress with what you've went through.

Sending you support,
Dolly

Thank you for your support, Dolly, I really felt it! I hope you do try MDMA therapy one day. If it helps, I'm something of a psychonaut and have tried a number of compounds. MDMA is by far the easiest to navigate. At regular doses you feel completely safe without being drugged out of your mind. Even when you're looking at intense pain and fear, it's simply not frightening anymore. When/if you experience, it, you'll see why it's so helpful for C-PTSD. Other medicines have been helpful to me but they can be much more difficult to work with. Good luck!

[Denverite]

I'm so sorry these assaults happened to you and for the abuse before and after you told. 

I relate to a lot of what you wrote and have been looking into mdma but was hoping it would be legalized. What you wrote was very helpful and I appreciate you going there. I did a podcast episode about a year ago for the same reason, touching a lot on the knowing without knowing and denial acceptance pieces you talk about. All I wanted too was to help people with similar experiences. I think it's how we try to make it ok.

Oh, I'm glad to know you're putting more information out there about repressed memories. I think it's still not taken all that seriously...And even when it is, I never feel like people really get where I'm coming from. How hard it is to integrate something you've literally never suspected for decades. I also feel that strong urge to help somehow, though I've yet to decide how I will do so.

[Chart]

I too feel that strong urge to help somehow. I plan on starting "awareness conferences" when I'm more healed and stable. I also want to start a local support group. But will wait until I move to a larger town.

Already WE are "helping". This Forum is an immense database of DIRECT experience and knowledge. Each of us contributes. I'm not knowledgeable however about CSA. I'm confident I was never sexually abused (aside from sexual/emotional boundary limits with my parents). So I'm learning that aspect of developmental trauma. This helps me understand more fully what it is.

As a related sidenote (and I should mention this in my Neurofeedback thread) it is worth checking out the ACE (Adverse Childhood Events study by Vincent Felitti and Robert Anda. The "score" is very informative about ourselves AND others regarding their trauma histories.

I think we are helping just by educating ourselves. Thank you Denverite. I mentioned it above I think. Your courage to open up and talk honestly, both informs and inspires me. You are already helping immensely just by your presence and posts here.

[dollyvee]

It really helped to read your thoughts as part of what makes healing this so difficult is thinking that no one can relate to these kinds of experiences. I'm glad that is not the case and I wish I could hug you all in person 

No, it was quite the opposite actually, and that reading someone going though that was more of a prompt/blueprint to do it myself. Like you, I also have a "calm" side of the brain that does meditation etc, but goes out of whack in relationships/connection with this well of anxiety that I can't pinpoint. I'm doing work around that now and can understand some aspects regarding my m's behaviour towards me. However, I've had a few "odd" dreams around SA and like you, this weird feeling around kids that I was somehow a pedophile. I also (and I keep forgetting this) once had a tarot card reader recommend the Courage to Heal to me and that she was getting CSA vibes. I mean the last one is left field, but who knows. I also came across my gm's psychological reports a few years ago and it mentions me being evaluated for suspected CSA, but in true family fashion, it was made more about how she responded to the situation. Anyways, I've slowly been following up on this and your post is a reminder that I need to contact them again, and see if I can find the actual evaluation.

Virtual hugs back to you    and thank you again for sharing

dolly

[Desert Flower]

Hi Denverite, and wow, yes that hit me a little harder then I expected. I was gonna read about the psychedelic assisted therapy, because frankly I'm afraid of it. I think I did a little too much drugs in the illegal partying district before and that would make me get very emotional and sad at times, and being unable to process, just overwhelmed, with no one to help me. But I am happy to read this is indeed a helpful intervention for others.
And then there's your story of the CSA, that's very hard to read Denverite. I think you're very brave and strong that you can share this.
I was thinking, before I started to visit this forum and was going into therapy again, that my main issue was my m (who was not the abuser, there's just an awful lot of neglect I got from her), and that I was over the SA mostly. But now I'm not so sure anymore. The experience of being abused and then having your parent be angry with you over that is one I share with you unfortunately. Maybe time to do some grieving here. This is making me very sad again.
Thank you for sharing, giving me some courage again to do so too. Take care everybody.

[Desert Flower]

And now, I wanna start apologizing for being triggered, even though there was a trigger warning, I'm feeling so stupid now. I'm sorry Denverite, didn't wanna burden you with this. My fault here.
And I know I'm having an EF. It happens.

[Cascade]

[Papa Coco]

Denverite,

I just opened this thread up this morning and read your July 10 story. It is a powerful story. Similar to my own. Because of the shame, I kept my story hidden, even from myself, for decades. I've spent years trying to reach the level of understanding that you've reached. My first recollection of being molested as a 7-year-old boy came during a prostate exam when I was nineteen. As soon as the exam began, I saw faces, felt pain, smelled body sweat and felt body heat from my abusers. I heard the words fly through my head "If it hurts this bad, I could never be a priest." what? Where the heck did those words come from? But then, as soon as the exam ended, the memories slammed shut again. 4 years later, after I married Coco, during one night of particularly fun sex all the visions came back at once like an explosion. I totally freaked out my young wife. But she was smart enough to know what was happening. She held me so tightly while I experienced an out-of-body moment of terror. I was 23 and, by this time, had tried twice to end my own life, without knowing why, when my therapist at that time helped me to recall the memories again. He validated for me that he believed me, which gave me permission to start believing myself also. But, for me, the whole memory has never fully returned. It's all body memory, smell, sensation, words about how special I was and how keeping the secret was the only option. I remember who it was now, but I can't recall how many times it happened. It happened for me in a Catholic Church. I was in Catholic school. I do remember waking up in class at age 7 wondering where I'd been for the past two hours. That happened a lot. I had chalked it up to me being stupid, not to me being abused so badly my brain wouldn't recall the events. Mom was more concerned with being a good Catholic than being a good mother, so I wasn't allowed to be kept safe from him. I was told to never bring my little school problems home for her to deal with.

So, your story gripped me pretty tightly and leaves me feeling somewhat connected to you, as we shared some similar past experiences.

I'm very glad you had the courage, or maybe even the compulsion, to share to the level of detail that you shared. When I was 50 I estranged myself from my entire big Catholic family. ENTIRE family. Uncles, aunts, cousins, parents, siblings. That's when I felt free, for the first time ever, to expose everything that had happened. With no connection to family of origin (FOO), I felt no writer's block. I felt so compelled to write a novel about my own life, exposing every thought and fear I'd ever been subject to, that I felt COMPELLED to write. I spent 7 years unable to stop writing. That's why I said what I said earlier about how grateful I am that you felt the courage (or the compulsion) to tell your story.

For me, writing out my story as a fiction novel was a way of me loving myself enough to tell the story without keeping any secrets (except that I made up all fictional characters and locations) but I did expose every act and every feeling I had through it all.

For me, keeping the secrets for decades, felt like I was choosing to drink poison every day and force my liver and kidneys to just deal with it. Writing out the true story, and exposing the truth, as you've done here, is, for me, like drinking fresh water and draining the poison out for good.

To sum it all up, I just want to say thank you for sharing your story as you've done. It feels like an honor to me that, even though you've never met any of us, you trust us (me) enough to share this story openly for me to read. For all of us to read.

I live by a few rules; one of which is "We're stronger together." Isolation is a slippery slope that grips all of us, but choosing to share our lives with others who understand what we're going through is worth gathering up the courage to do. Writing out the ugliest parts of our stories is how we reach out for acceptance and validation. Here, on this forum, those come in the form of kindness and love from people we may never meet in person, but who we feel connected with anyway.

[Desert Flower]

Hear hear Papa Coco! Thank you for sharing, that's powerful.

[Chart]

My friends... How in heaven are we EVER going to convince the world of the TRUE nature of the human species...?

I actually empathize with the "unbelievers"... These ideas are too horrible to accept...

And yet they are true. How are we going to get people to believe us? Let alone "understand"?