dollyvee's recovery journal

[Chart]

I just wanted to add that feeling "alone" and sadness at this situation is totally appropriate. It's a kind of mourning for that which was lost : Connection with your mother. You NEVER got that. So be kind to yourself. You WILL connect with people. It will come. It's just hard because you were never given the safety necessary to do it when your brain was developing. Now you have to teach yourself. And that's really really hard. (I know how hard it is to re-parent.)

Gros bisous !

[dollyvee]

6) Apparently others have even commented to you exactly this: you are defensive and have even been aggressive at what you perceived as an "unjust" reaction on the part of the other person...

Just to clarify...where has this come in? Because this is not my experience and seems like a way of painting things that happened to me as imagined or perceived, which in a way, discredits their reality or validity? I did say in the previous post that my m has been aggressive, or that I feel like I have been defensive. But even if I perceive others to be reacting to me as if I am defensive and aggressive, no one has actually said that to me. I also think a lot of the time we think we are being defensive and aggressive when setting healthy boundaries because we were never allowed to have them, so they do see foreign.

But I get at where you're trying to go, I just think it's rewriting over some experiences a bit to get there. We all want to make that jump and not have these things affect us, but I'm trying to work out the details of why because I know I have tried for so long to have it not affect me. At least this is my interpretation of what you've written.

______________________________

In continuing with my previous post and talking about feeling alone, it's also not so much of the feeling alone, but not wanting to connect with people who may perceive me that way, or not wanting to connect with anyone after someone has perceived me that way because it's negating an experience that is really paramount, and it's like I have to live on with this experience. No one is going to understand it, so why should I share it? If people don't want to understand me being hypervigilant, they don't want to understand the hurtful things that happened to me and are therefore "dangerous," or thereby says my possibly trauma logic. NARM t and I have been discussing this a bit when asked about the benefits of connecting and finding a part that does want to connect (and leave my family behind).

After posting about it in L2H journal, I went back and watched some of the talk on fear, and he discusses not seeing yourself as something "negative," but for example, I am a loving mother. To reframe what we tell ourselves for example. T has said to me that she feels the most painful thing in life is to be denied our authentic selves. I wonder if the most painful thing in life is to love a parent and not have that reciprocated? I think it's very hard to reframe that experience as see yourself as loving after that happens, or even deserving of love.

[Chart]

Because I have other part's which are "sensitive," I think when this behaviour is around, I will "protect," which feels like a rigidity in the body and mind where I am, or become, overly focused on this. I think this is where other people might see this and think that I am fearful, or afraid, as I try to manage this, which has been said in the past, and I've taken offence to, or become hurt by.

My comment #6 was in reference to the above . But I clearly didn't fully understand it and probably mixed two elements up, especially the reference that you reacted aggressively. I apologize for my misinterpretation. I totally agree setting healthy boundaries is important and often hard for us. I in no way wish to put into question the validity or perception of your experience. Only you can do that. Again, my apologies if I offended.

[dollyvee]

Thanks Chart, and I didn't mean that that's something you did intentionally, to misconstrue things a certain way, which is how it may have sounded. It's just that that was so much of my experience growing up, and I'm quite careful when things seemingly go that direction again. I also think that talking about these things and clarifying are something that didn't happen growing up, or was dealt with in a healthy way. So, thank you for your response. I think it's good when there's understanding on both sides.

_____________________________

I listened the the frequency again before bed and had sort of a feeling of how much I look to other people for something to be ok. It's like always looking for this sense of attachment and comfort, and it's so ingrained that it's almost imperceptible.

I also have been thinking, well not even thinking, but reminded through seeing a youtube video, that I'm probably blended with a part. When I think about unblending, I feel a sort of relief, or a slight feeling that things are ok. However, there is a fear about that feeling too, which I think snaps me back into being blended. But it's hard to have space with these ideas/feelings. This reminds me of what NARM t and I have talked about, and how every time there is a feeling of space, it's like I'm surrounded by the negativity/fear of my family. It also makes me think of the lecture on fear and how if you lose an identity, you don't know what's going to happen; there is infinite possibility for things to happen. So, it could be that "I am hopeful that there is something good that's going to happen."

[Chart]

Thanks Dollyvee, I felt just awful when I realized I'd might have upset or hurt you. None of us need that. I'm doing a lot of questioning regarding how people treat me as well. It's not easy. Thanks for your kind words. Understanding on both sides is exactly it. I didn't have that as a child so now it's like gold.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Chart    I think that holding space for someone is one of the most difficult things, probably because for me, it was up to me to fix it, or make it work as a child, or feeling like I had to fix it because my survival depended on it. I also had to take on other peoples' stuff, which I think was overwhelming as a child. So, again, no boundaries in a lot of directions.

I'm having feelings which have come up before and I probably have shut down a lot of the time around other people. Maybe this is fear, or sabotage, but I don't really understand how it works as it does feel like this is the best thing for me. I don't want to say it because I feel like people will think I'm attention-seeking (funny how this came up a lot in my early school years from teachers - one told me that I would be a soap opera actress growing up; another I constantly got into trouble with for chatting out of turn and she chastised for wanting attention for some of the things I was doing. I even remember her speaking to my m about this. This was just before I asked to live with my father and was living with my (emotionally) abusive sf and m, who didn't do anything about it. I was nine). So, phew after writing that maybe I can see a bit better how and why I'm feeling that it would just be better if I weren't in peoples' lives, or that when someone gets close etc (or I set a boundary/feel independent?) that this stuff comes up. It's funny too, (not that that's the best phrase) that there's a feeling of people don't really want me in their lives anyway. Like they don't really mean it. It makes me think of the video Heidi Priebe did where she talked about sabotage and this was one of the ways trauma shows up. Our opinions viewpoints didn't matter growing up, so we think that we don't matter now, and that it's ok if we step out of other peoples' lives because there are no consequences since we don't matter.

I have a session with NARM t this week and I guess I will bring it up. She was ill last week and it was the third time she's cancelled due to illness in about 5 (?) months. I guess that could be normal, but also feel like things are stressful for her and perhaps somewhere inside it's hard for me to open up, or have confidence that she'll be there. I also think she'll assure me that the above feelings are due to preverbal trauma, or having to survive as a child, and I sort of feel like ok? So, what? Like my brain gets that but there's something else in me that clearly does not. So, how do I make these things connect? Maybe this line of thinking is fear too, or some kind of sabotage.

_________________________

There's been a lot of things coming up life wise the past few weeks. I have business things I need to sort out and do, manage accounts (I guess money is a trigger here), and was looking for a flat, which means moving in the next month. One of the most stressful things. I've also had a tooth pulled and the election results, that a third of the votes went to right wing nut jobs (pardon my politics), doesn't restore my faith in people. So, good things to look forward to - that work has been doing ok and despite a slower month, I'm up overall on last year. I can move from my nosy and awful neighbours into a flat which seems well taken care of and mold free where I can hopefully finish healing.

[dollyvee]

I don't know what's going on. I had a session with NARM t and it's like overturning a seaside rock in my brain and all these little things go scuttling under other rocks (I wasn't going to say regular rock because then I would think about insects and tbh I've had some experiences with insect dreams. According to my Tibetan meditation it is a sign of healing and things leaving you (?) but I don't want to think about these kind of "parasites" in my brain right now, even if maybe they are there." I feel like I'm dipping my toe into negative possibility here.

NARM t and I happened on the subject of my gf and I talked about how he wasn't even a focus before in therapy. Well I say happened, but we were discussing how I feel like if I were to believe some of the "woowoo" things that are coming up when listening to the solfeggio frequencies, I would be buying into things or people that might not keep me safe. What I sort of noticed that it was like my gm to believe in woowoo things, and like the voice of my gf to not believe in those things and be critical. We talked about what if both of those parts had a place? That it wasn't one or the other, and I felt a bit more space. It was kind of like things relaxed in my body a bit.

I've been dipping my toe into Scapegoating Families: Intergenerational Patterns of Physical and Emotional Abuse and she explains triangulation as a factor in these families, which made me think about my own family, and how, I was sort of used a chip between my gm and gf (as well as my m and gm/gf/sf). It was something that I'd never thought about before, how during the time they were going through their divorce, I was in the house being told that one day you're going to leave me too. Or how my gm didn't want to leave me with my gf after they had had a big fight. Reading the psychological reports, I think my m was also a chip between my gm and gf. My gm says in the report that after her and my gf were married, they (my mom and him) were locked in a constant battle. My m was five at the time. I feel like my gm was projecting some of those feelings she had about my gf being critical and restrictive onto my m, and then she could swoop in and play saviour, or I don't know, not deal with those feelings.

As t and I were discussing my gf, I think she asked me what I would say to him. It's honestly very hard to have memory in these sessions. I know we were talking about him being critical and how he wouldn't let me be my own person (if I wanted to leave school, I was cut out of the will), even though I was unhappy being there (what was I going to do with my life, how would I survive? Something I then spent the next twenty years trying to prove. We were also talking about how I would be a sucker if I was nice/trusted people - also echoed by gm). Anyways, I couldn't get on the other side of what I would say and it was like I couldn't say anything "bad." Even though I can see that threatening someone to cut them off is not the way to have a discussion with them about your fears about their future. I felt like inside, I was thinking that he's right in a way, that I do need to do things to survive. It happened a couple different times and t kept asking me why I was protecting him, and I couldn't get on the other side.

After the session, my brain just felt different. Like I was in the dark. Though perhaps maybe I also didn't feel that lurking sense of "I'm doing something wrong, I need to do something different." I don't know. Thinking about it this morning, it feels like a hard place to get back to. I bought some paint yesterday to paint metal furniture, and it's like I'm just focusing on how the colours are slightly off.

I also am aware that my m had a lot of experience with my gf's critical side growing up when she started to assert herself/be her own person. She wasn't allowed to come back home after she messed up in school. However, she also took it the hardest when he passed (because her own biological f left?) and any criticalness was forgotten about later in life, and he was her favorite person. Probably because they used/needed each other. My gm was also aware of my gf's criticalness, and spoke about how he could be, but could also not leave him as the reports said, and they remained friends until he died though she did complain about him. Maybe my protecting him is something that I learned to do in my family. Why? Because of financial security? So, why can't I leave? Is it the feeling that I'll need him one day? I don't understand really where this is coming from or why I feel like this. It's like a blankness and these feelings/thoughts etc have gone scurrying away again. I guess it's time to speak to the parts that are protecting me about this, from these thoughts and memories.

[dollyvee]

I went back and revisited some things about my IFS experience after reading Chart's post. At the time, I took the seeing of the spider as something to be feared, or in some way I did fear seeing the spider. So, with a grain of salt, as I don't know much about this person, it's interesting that he writes about the spider-lady as an oppositional totem animal:

"This oppositional totem animal is not an enemy, so much as one who brings us face to face with something we fear, are neglecting, or trying to suppress within ourself. The following piece is a description of a journey I took to the land of the South to meet my oppositional totem–in this case, the Spider-Lady–and what she taught me. It helps to know that the South is often seen as the realm of fire, summer, instinct, and healing."

https://chrisdierkes.com/spiderlady/

Spiders are also the killers of insects, something you don't want to see in shamanistic terms, and not that I would consider myself as a "shaman," just someone trying to understand the way my brain works, and how to shape my experiences. I've never really wanted to dip my toe into this "territory" as there is something in me that fears the things I don't know/can't control, and always felt like I was unprotected anyways.

But coming back to fears, I would say that I was perhaps afraid of the spider when I saw it, thinking that it behaved like an insect. So, at the time, I had used something I called a reality compass to help me figure out what was going on (I guess perhaps it's a similar feeling to what I was describing earlier in relation to my gf, that I don't understand why my brain feels a certain way; it doesn't fit into my of reality (?) and don't know where it's coming from). The reality compass dropped me into a cave where I had a mom part attack/bully me. It's interesting to think about this now in terms of what I have been writing lately because I felt no idea at the time how much I was in fact reacting to my m's aggressive behaviour in my life around people. Now, something I am noticing more and more is my hypervigilance and rigidity around people most likely due to her reactions to me. There was also a me part in the corner who had a static tv for a face. I take this to mean that I was/am dissociated and not connected to how this mom part was/is affecting me perhaps, or that I had to be that way growing up in order to deal with it.

Also, it's interesting that my mind/thinking etc immediately defaults to fear/it's not good for me (in terms of the spider). And it's also interesting how I've been writing that it bothers me that people think I'm afraid because I have had to deal with this kind of behaviour from my m. I guess there is a part of me that is afraid of her, but understandably so I think. However, perhaps that part doesn't see the adult me, and is still static at that age.

[dollyvee]

I also just want to bring up that the two parts that NARM t and I were talking about, one for my gf (the critical reasonable side that takes into account what I actually have to do) and the one for my gm (the open, anything is possible, dreaming, side though she could also at times be critical of what I wanted to do) very much seem like opposing parts, or perhaps echoing the triangulation I maybe felt at the time they were going through their divorce/seperation. Because my m was neglecting me and spent a lot of time "partying," I did spend a lot of time with my gps and can understand how I would feel caught in the middle, or made to feel like I had to take sides. Perhaps I was a respite from what was going on with them, where like in the reports, was the thing that brought them joy/distraction from everything else that was going on. Maybe scapegoated in a different way than the usual criticised version? That as long as things were fine with me, it buried all their problems? As long as the kids (my m, me and my brother) "behaved" everything was rosy (and aligned with the worlds they wanted to live in and support them etc etc but under no means could we do anything we wanted to do). Actually, it's probably more accurate to say have any emotion we wanted to, or offer any feedback about how they themselves made me ( and I'm going to group my m in here but she went a different route. I'm guessing it's because no one ever really listened to her or saw her? I was lucky to have that with my dad).

I don't want to do much today. I'm having a sinus flare up, probably mold related and it's not great. Finally got the colour I wanted for the paint. Bright orange. How funny that that's the colour of the sacral chakra, and the chakra that aligns with the Solfreggio frequency that I've been listening to.

I also had a dream last night that I was standing on someone's grave and he had been buried "standing up." When I looked this up in the dream dictionary this morning, it said that a grave can represent the need to stand up for yourself since no one is going to do it for you. I wonder about standing up for myself in relation to my gf, and the way that my m stood up, or rebelled, and the way she was treated. Perhaps the reason why I'm protecting him is because I can't (was punished?) for standing up to him? That it's easier to go along with his behaviour/treatment than it is to not. But I can live without him as an adult, so I don't 100% understand where this is coming from? From my gm who couldn't leave him (because of the way her own father treated her)? It also came up with NARM t that standing up to people, also means/puts you at risk for being alone, and that people aren't always going to accept what you have to say, even if it is the truth. Maybe this standing up and independence has also meant being alone? I also wonder that maybe I want my gf to stand up for me, and/or the looking to other people to "have my back," or stand up for me. My gf did "stand up" for me, and threatened my sf (well not threatened but made things difficult for him through the municipality), but it was around me not being able to keep/take with me a tv that he had bought when I moved out of my sf and m's house. It wasn't about his treatment of me or my m, though he didn't like him and made that known. The super irony here now is that my sf has the money that my m inherited and  that his life and identity centred around.

I guess there was always the "hope" that he would help me or be there to "rescue" me, but it also seemed to come with strings. He told me he would pay for my post-grad, but when I chose the school (the best, or top two for what I do), it was no way, it's in a backwards (Eastern European and that's where he was born) country. When I chose another really good school, it was there's no way I'm paying for that. It was only after negotiation (and brokering by my gm - triangulation again) that he agreed to loan me the money which I was to pay back. So, riddled with money anxiety I constantly examined what I was doing there and how was I "going to survive and make money." He passed away and being unhappy at the school, I left shortly afterwards. I don't know, looking back I think I made a good choice that put me in a better place career wise. It's interesting because I also think there's a lot of "fantasy" about being the person that I wanted to be, or how I wanted to see myself in the world as this "x job." I also knew that there was no one supporting me in that, just me. So, I listened to the practical side (while still trying to listen to the you can do what you want to do side), and did what I had to do. It's funny because I had a soul retrieval a few years ago and she asked me what significance does x have? I laughed and said it's a what I do and a large part of my job is how I work with that. So, I guess sometimes we end up where we're supposed to be? This is a long way of saying, I don't know why I'm protecting him. Because my m and gm did it before me?

[natureluvr]

after writing that maybe I can see a bit better how and why I'm feeling that it would just be better if I weren't in peoples' lives,

It makes me sad that to hear this.  You sound like a very thoughtful, insightful, kind person to me. 

Because my m was neglecting me and spent a lot of time "partying," I did spend a lot of time with my gps and can understand how I would feel caught in the middle, or made to feel like I had to take sides. Perhaps I was a respite from what was going on with them, where like in the reports, was the thing that brought them joy/distraction from everything else that was going on. Maybe scapegoated in a different way than the usual criticised version? That as long as things were fine with me, it buried all their problems?

From what I understand about triangulation, it is when a dyad (2 people) drag in a third person, and this third person acts as a buffer for the tension between the original 2 people.  It is not fair to the 3rd person, and I believe that it would be a stress factor on that 3rd person.  For a child, I can see why this would be emotionally abusive and traumatizing. 


 

[dollyvee]

Thank you natureluvr   - it's the beast that is cptsd isn't it? Feelings that don't seem to make any sense. I think of myself in the way that you mentioned, or at least try to be those things I think. But then you have all the unprocessed stuff that comes up at times and just sort of carpet bombs everything.

_______________________________

So, the wonderful thoughts that I had after my dream about standing up for myself did not go as planned. Or maybe they did, but I wasn't prepared to deal with the feelings around standing up for myself if that makes sense? I feel like I've been doing well with that "stuff" lately and to not let it drag me in, and that there was some sort of boundary. But it was gone yesterday and I was left feeling like a recepticle for everyone else's passive aggressive behaviour, where I felt like I couldn't stand up for myself. Or, I was "standing up for myself" against this behaviour, but it's like it somehow made it worse and unrelenting? Why did this feeling of no, I'm not going to allow that, or the feeling that I didn't have to take it on dissipate? Was it something I wrote about yesterday about my gf that brought up some subconscious stuff that's playing out? I guess what's sort of coming up is the feeling of being alone if I'm going to stand up for myself, or speak my authentic self, and perhaps I'm fighting that because I don't want to be alone? So, what switched and now a part of me feels it has to deal with aggression, or is not prepared to deal with aggreession?

So, in resonding to Chart's post, I went and tried to find the reference I was talking about. I looked in the book, Healing of the Soul by Ann M. Drake, and it opened in Kindle on a page with the chapter heading, Changing and Altering Imprints. I read it dismissively and kind of scoffed I think (funny that I wonder if I tracked this feeling if it would come back to my gf sounding critical part). Then I read:

A central theme was the importance of a loving and compassionate healing alliance between therapist and client, coupled with a desire on the part of both the higher self of the client and the personality for change to occur.

and I thought ok, I mean I am trying to make some changes in my life right now, especially around patterns in relationships. So, I read on to the next page and she writes:

The guides reported that fear is the major block for change to occur as it creates its own vibrational frequency and holds the old patterns in place. The belief that the work can make a difference is essential as the doubt blocks the change from happening. An absence of guilt or shame regarding past behavior and the energy being changed is also essential for the negative patterns not to be pulled back. The energy of fear, guilt, and shame is often on a similar frequency to the energy to be changed and thus keep the negative patterns in place. A willingness to let go of the storylines that perpetuate stuck thought forms is also key for healing and transformation to occur.

Ok, yes I feel like this could be an issue so I read on:

If I continue to believe that I am stupid because I was the first child to sit down in a fourth grade spelling bee and repeat this story in my head and to others, this story will become my reality. Healers can try to remove the belief and energy that I am stupid, but it is not going to shift until I am willing to disidentify with this storyline.

Ok so here it is and sort of confirms what I've been feeling, that there is a part that is still identifying with the storyline in my family. Though, I don't think I can track it to my fourth grade spelling bee. I can track it to protecting my gf, and somewhere there is a storyline that I need to do that. Ok, so theeotically speaking, I can put some things in line - that (and I dissociated....)

***poss TW - possible CSA***

- that I had a dream where I was a third wheel on a date with my gf. That I have been used as a chip by my gm to interfere in his relationships (if he marries x, you're not going to get anything/any money). This is like a form of emotional incest I think according to the Bradshaw book.
- that I had a dream where someone came and turned off lights illuminating these dark passageways and said, you can't see that (or something like that). The only way out of this place was to go through a room that looked like a blood donation clinic, but was a ward for children of incest (blood donation is interesting - incest is family related and you are related by blood; giving blood is also like giving your life force away)
- there are waking memories of my gf touching my bum coming up behind me on the stairs "in a playful way," and me telling him that I didn't like that, and him downplaying that like I was making a big deal out of it. Touching between my legs in the car in "a playful tickly way" saying something about a boy between my legs. (* - I'm writing this down thinking I'm making it up, but *. I think I was like five or six? Really young. I've told this to t before, but writing it down is different. IT's like my brain didn't believe it or wrote it off as something that was ok because people allowed this kind of behaviour then; also like I was making a big deal about it - I wonder where I got that from? A narcissist not willing to take accountability for their actions)


****end poss TW****

I think everything that was going on at the time would have taught me to protect him, or that we weren't to leave him. My gm's behaviour especially. I don't know if that comes before her. Assert yourself, be gaslit, not have your boundaries respected. My gf told the psychologist that she felt like a sucker for allowing my gf into her life (to come and go as he pleasedI think), and allowing the relationship to be like  that. She also felt like she couldn't make herself independent of him. I'm still pusuing this link.
 
Also interesting and in line with what I wrote elsewhere today is:

Later I pondered if a significant element in shamanic work being more effective in Matu than it is in Massachusetts is because of attachment issues. People in Matu are so securely attached that they readily open to the spirit world and its teachings. In the West the need for a secure, concrete attachment is so great that many clients attach to the therapist/healer rather than to the work being done for them. In doing so the energy from spirit does not have clear opening in which to enter.

[Chart]

The guides reported that fear is the major block for change to occur as it creates its own vibrational frequency and holds the old patterns in place. The belief that the work can make a difference is essential as the doubt blocks the change from happening. An absence of guilt or shame regarding past behavior and the energy being changed is also essential for the negative patterns not to be pulled back. The energy of fear, guilt, and shame is often on a similar frequency to the energy to be changed and thus keep the negative patterns in place. A willingness to let go of the storylines that perpetuate stuck thought forms is also key for healing and transformation to occur.

Good gracious Dollyvee, your posts are SO UTTERLY complex AND pertinent it's hours of reflection after each one!!!!

I'm not complaining

This quote above is of extreme relevance to me, particularly seeing as I am starting a therapy (neurofeedback) that works with brain frequencies, my principal problem is Fear, and up to now I've never had a T discuss the aspects of "spiritual" to any degree in healing...

I'm up to my eyeballs in  stress and preparation (son's bday party tonight...)

But I'm keeping these ideas and following closely

Thankyou ❤️

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I also find your journal entries to be really inspiring and interesting and stimulating.   
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Chart  I hope your son's birthday party goes well. I'm sure you want to make his day special. I think I'm bringing things together right now and trying to understand them, and how my brain works. So, my post have been kind of long and reflecting that I think. I just feel like it's a good place to put things out there.

Thank you Hope  I'm happy for you to have read them and you can share in some of what I wrote.

I didn't expect to arrive at a "spiritual" place either though there has always been that side in my life. Albeit with probably a lot of reluctance to believe in it. One, because I was too preoccupied with survival to trust myself and not my family. Two, because I think once you start exploring things like this, it opens up the the ideas in your life that
kept you "safe" (like to trust in your family and not yourself), and that can be a scary place especially when confronted with things about the world that you don't understand, or aren't widely accepted. To me, I think the one thing I wanted (after essentially not being wanted, and treated that way) was to fit in. So, finding maybe you run a little differently can be disconcerting. Funnily enough, it was my gm who was accepting of this side, though I feel like she made it about her, in a I can do this too, do it better, more powerful way. (Maybe that's the way I perceived it? Am I gaslighting myself?) I would say that the idea of someone/something having power over me is the most fearful thing for me?

As I said, it wasn't my intention to arrive at a spiritual place. When I joined the forum four and a half years ago, members were posting about IFS and their experiences with it sounded resoundingly positive (thank you Hope, Owl, and Snowdrop). So, I looked into it. I would say at this time, I was looking at matters from a purely psychological standpoint, understanding my family and Self through the NPD/cptsd spectrum and beginning to really look at attachment theory, though I don't think that came until later with the Heidi Priebe videos, but was like another piece of the puzzle.

I had been in therapy for about four years (?) when I joined, and IFS was the first thing where I felt really in touch with myself and emotions. However, it was also a bit scattered and didn't progress in the nice, linear fashion it appeared to in the books. Although, I did have some of the more straightforward experiences ie parts showed up as protectors and told me how tired they were. However, this was also around a dream where there was a "parasitic fish." I didn't know it at the time, but fish with teeth (as are insects) are a thing in the shamanic world. Luckily this one was in a ziploc bag, so as to keep it contained. (Interestingly, I think this is a way of dealing with that fear of "power over," and not being able to contain/control the things in my world that I don't understand. What's also interesting is that there was a young part that popped up when we were disposing of the fish into fire, that made things really big because I think she was afraid?)

So, through researching my experiences, taking courses on legacy and unattached burdens (the Ann M. Drake book was suggested reading on the unattached burdens course), I came to sort of understand that the way IFS works is kind of like a form of shamanism. When you meet parts, I believe you are kind of in a non-reality, and when you unburden etc and understand your family system, you are essentially doing a form of soul retrieval. And here is where the overlap with other spiritual traditions lie I believe. For me, it was a case of trying to understand the things I'm seeing and show up in my "system." One could very well understand things in a scientific way, ie legacy burdens are a form of epigenetic memory that is being talked about in psychological circles. So, it's also interesting t think about what the intercept between psychology and the spiritual is. At what point does psychology not aptly describe the things that are happening?

I also want to mention because I think it's important for me to remember that when I've "seen" things in the past that are outside my comfortable world view, I think there's a part that shuts down, and I'm beginning to feel/see this part pop up here and there. For example, with the solfreggio frequencies and the dissociation. I guess at times like this it might pop up because I'm not in Self or Self was so hard to find/didn't know what it was? I also think these dissociation parts might pop up when things are outside of my world view understanding, which as a preverbal infant experiencing trauma, is not a straightforward place if that makes sense? It's like these emotions as a preverbal infant, or things I've seen, don't make sense in this "world' I have, so they must be shut down. I also wonder if this is the same shut down that happens when getting close to people?

Interestingly, t and I were discussing this IFS with the black and I was going back and describing how I'm understanding it in a new light, and she asked if this place was like aloneness. I became immediately defensive because I didn't want to have the experience realigned in terms of psychology, and she explained that she's trying to get an understanding of it. I explained that sometimes when she offers up an idea, it's like it takes over, and makes me doubt my own experience (?), or I will somehow disavow my own experience subconsciously. I'm wondering now if this is because Self is/was so fragile and not there that I will immediately latch on to something else? And being defensive/not letting things in is a way of protecting me and my experience?

Writing this down I can see that maybe t is not trying to "force" her world view on me, but trying to reframe things in a way that she understands. I guess the challenge for me is to not disavow myself when people don't understand. I think perhaps it's because there was always a right and wrong, and to be outside meant no attachment, and no survival. When we had this exchange, I felt aware of "differentiation," and I think is something I'll bring up with her next time. It's also interesting that a fear of "differentiation" is what I've been writing about above as well.

Thanks for reading. I feel like this has been a good summary and putting things into context about my own beliefs a bit more. Maybe admitting to myself some things that I have been resisting? I also learned through this that dissociation is a factor I believe, and am trying to understand how it impacts my system, or world. I guess it's about coming to a place where it's safe to express these things. I guess one of the ways to do that as well is with a more cemented Self? Maybe it's time to go back and finish the IFS and dissociation book. I also feel like NARM has been very helpful as a way to understand how I'm acting in the moment/what is actually going on in an internal way otherwise I could probably just stay in the analytical side of my brain which is comfortable.

[Hope67]

Wow Dollyvee, that is such a great summary.  I relate to many things you write within it.  Particularly the paragraph where you mention about having a part that shuts down, and how you notice it pops up at different times.  I also definitely have a part that I think 'rubs things out' sometimes, if they are too triggering/over-whelming.

 
Hope