Exploring Shame

[Cascade]

Agreed, Blueberry... there's a lot in that article!  I, too, will have to read it again and take notes.  My learning process is to synthesize information by reorganizing it for myself and my own brain, kind of like breaking it down and building it up into something that makes sense for me.

Dalloway, glad you found your digital copy of Bradshaw's book!  Hmm... serendipity?  There are no coincidences.

Edit:
Ack, Chart, I didn't scroll enough to remind me of your post, too.  Glad you're here!  It seems everyone has a book except me, lol.

Thanks for chiming in,
  -Cascade

[Cascade]

Okay... just gonna dip my toe in a little bit here.  This is more about self-blame that came up during yesterday's internal family systems (IFS) session, rather than shame itself (I think!).  It might lead into shame in the sense that I feel like I am bad, weak, and worthless for not taking action.  Anyway, here goes with my reflections since yesterday:

The inner teen is angry with me, blaming me, herself, herselves, for not fighting, not telling, not standing up for myself, submitting to them all, and even bending over backwards to please them and try (vainly) to gain approval and love and acceptance and value.  I tell her it was all we could do to survive, we didn't know how to do anything else.  Now we can.  Now we can work together to put it in the past, where it belongs.

It wasn't your fault.  It wasn't any of our faults.  All this was done to us.  It's their fault.  Remember the blame is theirs.  Hey, you know what?  We can heal.  They were never going to change.


During yesterday's session, my therapist pointed out how ridiculous it was to be angry at an infant and a six-year-old for not being able to stop neglect and abuse inflicted upon them.  Cognitively, yes, I agree!  Emotionally, I still feel like I disappointed myself or let myself down.  How do I stop living in the world of unrealistic expectations?

Answer:  By working through this together.  We're all here now and gonna get through this together.

Love to all,
  -Cascade

[Little2Nothing]

It is easier to logically understand that a child could not be responsible for the evil deeds of others than to shake the self-blame and shame that comes with it. 

Our concept of self is severely damaged by the abuse we endured. That self depreciation has been with us for years, sometimes decades. Of course it will be hard to overcome. 

I do believe though that given time that inner sense of guilt and shame will diminish until it is a whisper instead of a shout. There is hope. 

[dollyvee]

I also wanted to say that I had Healing The Shame that Binds You for ages before I started to read it, and when I did, found it difficult to come back to. There is so much in there that redirected and/or confirmed a lot of beliefs and suspicions I had about things (ie what actually is sexual abuse - it's much broader than I think most people would acknowledge), and opened my eyes to new ones. I still haven't finished it yet and this is a good reminder to go back to it.

[Chart]

Anyway, here goes with my reflections since yesterday:

The inner teen is angry with me, blaming me, herself, herselves, for not fighting, not telling, not standing up...

This is EXACTLY how a teen would feel. I agreed with everything you mentioned to work together and correctly placing the blame. Maybe let her know too that her emotions are OKAY. She's also right, in a sense. Only, as your T pointed out toi, there's little that babies and small children can do.

But the emotions are valid, covering perhaps deeper sadness, but valid. Teens need that I think.

[Cascade]

Little2Nothing, it was so reassuring to hear your words of wisdom.  Thank you!

Dollyvee, glad to hear you'll join in the reading.  Thanks for telling us.  I agree about the definition of sexual abuse.  You already know it's fine to put the book down when you need a break.  I'm just explicitly stating it for everyone's benefit because this stuff is tuff. 

Chart, thanks so much for your validation.  My teen says, "Yeah, that!"

I really appreciate everyone reading and taking the time to comment in such helpful ways.  Thanks for being here!
   -Cascade

[dollyvee]

I agree that this is some of the really, deep core stuff that needs doing in order to come out the other side of cptsd, and by no means is it easy. So kudos for doing your homework.

I'm also interested in "preverbal" shame because I think from an early age I had to deal with the idea of life-threatening situations which then turn into, it must be me, I must be the bad one. As L2L said, logically it makes sense that that small me isn't responsible, but going into the core emotions around that (terror?) are difficult.

The other thing that sort of made a lot of sense from the John Bradshaw book, or I related to quite a bit, is that we have these shame-based identities from a young age that are then reinforced by society. Through school, religion, social acceptability etc. I think there's a sense of wanting to fit in, but also feeling flawed again when you don't, which just doubles down on the belief that "it must be me." We're human, we should be accepted etc, so there must be something wrong with us when we're not.

I'm also becoming interested in the idea of "group work" as you had on your list. Maybe it's for another thread, but Patrick Teahan had a video talking about the different types of personalities we develop as a result of trauma, and that working in a group where you receive honest feedback about maybe your blindspots is something that's been in the back of my mind. Feedback in terms of this is how you are coming across, which I think can be really difficult things to hear because there is so much shame attached to it. At least this is how I understood it.

Hope you get a gold star for your homework 

[Chart]

Yeah, preverbal shame I think has "driven" an enormous amount of my behavior all my life. I'm jus now starting to chip away at it. Yeah, I totally agree, this subject is one of the fundamentals we have to address for deeper healing. Thanks Dollyvee, your reflections are really valuable to me.

[Cascade]

Hi Dollyvee,
Thanks for the kudos!  Maybe it counts as a gold star when my therapist said she hesitates to assign homework because "I'm so good about doing my journaling anyway."  I have to admit, though, I've been slower than usual during the past couple weeks about getting to my journaling about shame.  It's still a little hard to get a handle on.  You mentioned the broader societal norms around shame, which really gets to me and makes me feel like the entire world is gaslighting me.  Sigh.

I'm also becoming interested in the idea of "group work" as you had on your list. Maybe it's for another thread, but Patrick Teahan had a video talking about the different types of personalities we develop as a result of trauma, and that working in a group where you receive honest feedback about maybe your blindspots is something that's been in the back of my mind. Feedback in terms of this is how you are coming across, which I think can be really difficult things to hear because there is so much shame attached to it. At least this is how I understood it.

In my opinion, anything about exploring shame is good to include in this thread!  If you were referring to the socialization part of healing shame (purple text below), I definitely see OOTS as my "group."  I feel safe enough here to open myself to others' perspectives.  That's why I wanted to come back to this thread.  As you say, "honest feedback about blindspots" can be one part of healing.  Folks here are usually really good about framing things constructively, if we do decide to venture out on those limbs.

Healing Shame Through Externalization

Shame hates exposure.  It keeps ourself from other people and from ourself.

The Externalization Process

• Surrender:  Release and give up control.
• Socialization:  Participate in a group.
• Self-disclosure:  Uncover yourself; become vulnerable.
• Sensitive to the system you came from:  Awareness of roles.
• Self-talk:  Use affirmations; stop negative thoughts.
• Self-love:  Choose to ask for what we want.
• Spirituality:  Reach the silence; sense inner life.

The inner self cries out to be given the gift of loving ourself.

And for both Dollyvee and Chart,
Regarding pre-verbal shame, I was so surprised when my inner infant showed up to my first Internal Family Systems (IFS) "family meeting."  Although it was sad to learn of her feelings, it was nice to be able to give her a voice that I could sense and understand.  She had the first needs that were unmet, so getting to that level of original neglect in my world was definitely important and "one of the fundamentals," as you say, Chart.

Thanks so much for adding your insights!
   -Cascade

[Cascade]

Before venturing too deeply into shame, I've also been working on safety and stabilization.  My therapist sent a video with a bunch of different exercises to try.  She'd like me to have two or three Go-To activities that I can do when I feel I am outside the window of tolerance.  The video and my notes are below, reorganized in a way that makes sense to my brain.  I'm still working on the activities themselves.
  -Cascade

Safety Activities
Goal:  Strengthen an internal sense of safety.
Practice:

• Try each activity, describing how it feels both emotionally and physically in your body.
• Find two or three favorite activities that work best.
• Perform the favorites daily during times of calm to build new sensory pathways.

Container
Is it just too overwhelming?  Put away whatever is moving you outside the window of tolerance until it is more manageable (e.g., when you can talk with someone about it).

Light Stream

• Beam of light enters into top of head.
• Light flows through and fills entire body.
• Light leaves through feet.

Anchors
Make lists of things that bring a sense of safety.

• Safe places
• Safe people and/or creatures
• Safe music
• Safe memories
• Safe sensations

Grounding
Self-regulation in the present; "I am safe enough right now."
Notice the real world around you:

• 5 things you can see
• 4 things you can touch
• 3 things you can hear
• 2 things you can smell
• 1 thing you can taste

Drawing Safety
Simultaneously activate the visual cortex while in a sense of safety.
[Note:  Does coloring mandalas count?  I think it does!]

Gratitude (Blueberry, I always think of you with this one!)
Shifts attention from scarcity to abundance.

Strengths and Accomplishments
List your good qualities, achievements, and challenges you overcame.

[Cascade]

TW:  Shame

So, I'm only dipping one more toe in here.  I'll describe something my therapist pointed out, although I haven't journaled deeply about it or had any emotional upheaval yet.  One step at a time.  I'll put this much out there first and then that will help me clear my mind for the next step of going deeper.

The conversation

• Therapist:  What are some ways that shame affects you now?
• Cascade:  There was a lot of shame wrapped up in work, and of course relationships.
• Therapist:  Yes, while I agree that's true, I was thinking more in your daily life right now.  For example, with things like isolation, negative self-talk, and minimizing your current needs.  Consider the impacts of all those things.
• Cascade:  Oh.  Yeah.  Right.  Ummm...

Phrases that keep coming up are that inner parts of me feel like a burden or needy.  So we brainstormed my basic needs.  LOL, she asked how much sunlight I got... I felt like I regressed to being a plant!  Without inflicting more shame upon myself for not meeting these basic needs, we came up with a list.

• exercise (QiGong)
• good food
• being out (in the sun, with people around)
• sleep
• community
• safety

For more brainstorming, I also like Maslow's Expanded Hierarchy of Needs (Simply Psychology).


So that's pretty much the point I'm at.  Thoughts, perspectives, whatever are welcome!
   -Cascade

[Chart]

Good work Cascade. You're really working. I'm happy and impressed. (Wish I could move a bit more me...)

I've realized from rereading this thread that shame of a certainty has a huge impact on me... now and probably since the beginning.

I just feel such an absence of energy I can't get myself to address it in me...

But the work you're doing Cascade is truly inspiring.
Sending support!
 

[Cascade]

Hi Chart,
Thanks for touching base on this.  I'm glad to know reading this journey is providing a little lift on your end.

You're certainly not expected to "address" anything; you don't have to expect it of yourself.  This is just a place for saying things about shame when we're ready to say them, and be heard and supported along the way.  Even if you don't share about yourself, I fully recognize how difficult it is to come to this thread and even just read the content.  That's why I wanted to put the safety stuff ahead of my most recent exploration with my therapist.  Anyway, all of that to say that I really appreciate you checking in and offering your words of encouragement and support!  It means a great deal and the inspiration helps feed a (NEW!) positive feedback cycle.  You inspire me, too.

I need to take this thread slowly myself.  I haven't journaled any more about the isolation, negative self-talk, or minimizing my basic needs.  This is all tuff stuff! 

Thanks for being here through the muck with me,
   -Cascade

[Hope67]

Hi everyone,
I really appreciate the things that have been written in this thread on shame.  I had started to read Bradshaw's book about 'Healing the Shame that Binds Me' but I must admit that I have only got half-way through, and have decided not to complete reading it at this point, and have turned to another book by Christy Gibson called 'The Modern Trauma Toolkit: Nurture your post-traumatic growth with personalized solutions' - and I have just read something relevant about 'shame' on p.97 of that book, which I thought I'd share here, incase it's helpful to anyone:

It's called:
"Let's Practice - The Container.
I'd like you to imagine the container where your shame belongs.  Is it a box?  A garbage can?  Or a Tupperware containter?  Put your shame in the box and seal the lid as much as you'd like to.  You could place the lid, but also add locks or duct tape or glue.  Anything you need.

We're going to give this shame back to the person who gave it to you.  Knowing that it probably wasn't theirs either, and they might need to give it back to their parents as well.  One more reason to make the container really sturdy.  It might have a lot of travelling to do.

I'd like you to imagine all the components of this container.  How heavy is it, what color it might be, what's the texture if you were to hold it from the outside.  You don't need to see what's inside it, just know that it's shame - and it's not yours.

Imagine a scenario where you could give this back.  Do you leave it on the doorstep?  Do you ring the doorbell and then walk away?  That's my favourite move.  You could also leave it in someone's backyard.

It might not feel right to give it to a person.  Especially if you still have a confusing relations with them, this might not feel comfortable.  And I welcome you to listen to your gut on that.  The more you learn to pay attention to your gut feelings, the more your instincts will send stronger signals you can pay attention to.

In this scenario, you might want to send it on a rocket into space, drop it to the bottom of the ocean, or bury it somewhere.  It will be up to you to decide where to bury it, how deep it needs to be, and how hidden this place is.

Part of this exercise is learning to trust your instincts about what you need.  And part of it is imagining leaving this box of shame behind, knowing that it's not yours."

(I haven't tried this exercise yet, but I did like how it sounded, and thought I'd share it here - incase anyone else also likes it and might try it).

Hope 

[Armee]

Thanks Hope that's helpful. I haven't loved the idea of container exercises since most of us have been container-izing so much for so long but this one makes sense to then do something with it that makes sense...to pass the box of shame back the ones who gave it to you and they can do the same. Helpful to imagine.

Shame had quieted down for me a lot lately but it popped back up this week in therapy pretty intensely.