Logjam

[JamesG3]

Realising there was ADHD in the mix has been huge. But with it has come some very difficult realisations about why I couldn't get fully back on the horse, why I was so hung up over my friends in particular and why I was finding life still difficult, especially in regard to relationships.

Had I known the relationship between social awkwardness, impulsivity and adhd I could have changed my life totally. Instead, I tried to live my life as another person, jamming my round plug in a square hole to appease the unfeeling, unrealistic expectations of protestant work ethic. Life could have been very different.

My family, a mess from one end to the other, didn't understand anything of course, tho they fancied themselves a bit smart in the psychology department. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing should have been my family motto. I should translate it into latin. My brother, a bully, learned all he could about weaknesses in others, and was actually pretty smart, in a dark, dark way. Like many narcissists, he is a genius at something utterly pointless, namely the manipulation of others to hide their own massive flaws.

My friends, not gonna call them that much longer, fancied themselves as rather alternative, but in retrospect, once you looked beneath the alt-fashion accessories and punk hair they were despairingly old school, victorian attitudes to work, mental health and compassion lurking, waiting for adulthood to come out.

I dunno, somehow you think that the charecters in your life are going to shine in your crisis moment. They didn't. They either caused it, enabled it, supercharged it or just backed off and let me hang.

Normally when I post I try to gather my thoughts and push towards a positive, informed reflection, but right now I'm seething. I suspect I'm finally nearing the point where some of the 'friendships' I've been holding out for have reached the point where I deep down accept they were toxic, or useless. Who wants to admit that, eh? It's tough. I'm dumping a lifetime of expectation, hanging on for something meaningful from people I only really hung out pleasurably for what... 3 years? People I know now don't give me this pain. I don't fear the contact I crave from new people, but my old friends, it's like juggling grenades.

I simply do not like how they perceive me. I cannot stand the whole 'written off' vibe that came with C-PTSD. How can you see people as friends if they take a victim blaming stance with you? Man, I'm angry about this. I was sick. I was really sick. And I was sick alone, out there on my own after wasting 6 years on people who were using me financially and emotionally. The good news is that knowing the ADHD is there means I'm not wasting my energy fighting one thing when it is actually another. I think this may turn out to have been a big issue. It's resulted in a big drop in hypervigillance for sure, but it does feel a bit off seeing yourself with a condition that is further mockable. It could turn into yet another rabbit hole if I'm not careful, so I'm backing off watching the vids and reading the books on this one. I'm not going to get a diagnosis, not at 1500 quid for a multi choice questionaire I'm not. Nor will I seek medication. I am however, going to act on the dietry side off things because I think I was making it worse. Certainly I was prone to self medication, not just with red wine, but also with caffiene and sugar. That is an obvious own goal now and has to go.

But it's all another hill to climb right now. I'm tired. I just released a new novel, and top of that there's marriage plans, a very troubled step daughter and a job that's going through a grinding phase.

It's a lot. I've been through a lot.

It's an important point actually. The trauma was massive for us. The origins of that trauma were also massive. C-PTSD is of course massive, a trauma creating trauma all of it's own, because the symptoms can be so alarming and demoralising. Relationships become shattered, complex, frightening, even the good ones. We've all been through so much... but hey... look.. we are still here. Isn't that something? And for better or worse, we've learned about psychology, not via text books and online courses, but from the bottom up. We've been locked in a cell with language we've had to learn. Our survival is amazing really, not because we are amazing, but because had no choice. There are huge strengths to that ultimately. Hypervigilance is grim, but its the growing pains of a very deep understanding of what we will need to do next.

No matter how bad it feels, and boy do we know how bad that actually can be, remember... this is your life. What is wrong now, didn't come from you. But you do need to walk away from that which hurts you. Which continues to hurt you. It is your right. You owe nothing to people who harm you by word or deed. Nothing. People need to earn loyalty, respect and love. It is not love if is stolen.

I am angry today, but I need to be really. The cavalry I've been waiting for are not coming. I am the cavalry. I am my own first responder, my own psychologist, my own medication, my own mentor. I know the answers, I've known them for years, I just need to act on them.

[Lakelynn]

I am angry today, but I need to be really. The cavalry I've been waiting for are not coming. I am the cavalry. I am my own first responder, my own psychologist, my own medication, my own mentor. I know the answers, I've known them for years, I just need to act on them.

Yes, you've got that right. It's a surprising, disappointing and infuriating realization as well. I believe that everyone has the inner strength to "BE" all the things they need, but it's scary too. Trust your intuition, trust yourself.

[NarcKiddo]

The cavalry I've been waiting for are not coming. I am the cavalry. I am my own first responder, my own psychologist, my own medication, my own mentor.

My goodness, this resonates.

But now that you know this, you will not spend any more time waiting for the cavalry. Your words remind me of the poem "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley. It ends with "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul."

You've got this. And we are cheering you on.

[Kizzie]

James, I'm sorry.  I just saw this and want to say this resonates so much with me as well. I remember laying in the dark at one point and saying "No-one is coming" over and over.  It was awful thing to think but it is where so many of us are at in our lives because CPTSD is just now being recognized and professionals are just starting to train to treat it.

I'm so sorry it all piled up on you and you had those stark, truly sad realizations that are easier to manage a bit at a time.  I say "easier" but none of this is easy in any way and that's what we need the people and professionals in our lives to truly see and feel.  Hopefully the book we're putting together will help in that regard.

It's almost a month since you wrote this post - can I ask how you are doing now? 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Your pain speaks to me, James. I'm sorry you've been going through all that. I understand those difficulties in establishing and retaining friendships, trying to figure out if they're even healthy or not. It's a constant hyper-vigilant battle.

The good news is that knowing the ADHD is there means I'm not wasting my energy fighting one thing when it is actually another.

Absolutely agree with this and other diagnosable conditions. It's very hard to cure/treat something if you don't know what the problem is in the first place, so making these discoveries are always so valuable.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[JamesG3]

'It's almost a month since you wrote this post - can I ask how you are doing now? '

Not bad at all, thanks Kizzie. I seem to have these moments every so often, but they are very much about burning off the stubble now. I have them, then the stubble is gone, and I move onwards. Less pain, but sharper when it arrives. I think it's a necessary process so I'm not worried.

[Kizzie]

    Congrats on publishing another book BTW.

[Lakelynn]

Less pain, but sharper when it arrives. I think it's a necessary process so I'm not worried.

I like the way you put this. I've been sensing a shift as well.

[Lonewolf86]

Hey James, A lot in your post to respond to so I need to pick one thing right now and that is this..

I can totally relate to your struggles with your "friends" and I don't have any answers for you.

My situation is this..  First, listen to this Bob Marley song.. "Who The Cap Fits" - it talks about this.  This line:

And if your night should turn to day
A lot of people would run away


This is exactly what happened to me.  I'm in a season of isolation in my life and have been since late 2022 when my last "friend" basically ghosted me when I needed him most.

He was the last of my "friends" to turn on me.  The one before that (just a month or so before the other guy) was a whole other thing.  I didn't get ghosted but he just came out and openly started being abusive toward me.  I won't go into it now.  Prior to that (about 2 years) my other close "friend" abandoned me as well.  Me, being who I am.. those were my only "friends" and they are all gone.  Today, since I wrote off my family (including my brother, my other "friend") who also turned his back on me when I needed him most.

So I'm left to look at this and say "well, who's the common denominator in all these situations?? me. that's who. it must be me."  Fun stuff.  Not a good feeling.  I just have * luck or I pick  * friends or i'm such a piece of * that everyone leaves me.  Maybe that's it.

[Lakelynn]

Lonewolf,

I'd like to respond to

I just have * luck or I pick  * friends or i'm such a piece of * that everyone leaves me.  Maybe that's it.

You may be missing another possibility.

Friends reflect our mindset, perspective and growth. Those people that let you down, became abusive or left could have resulted from several things.

First: they had their own pressures or trials which they didn't share with you.
Second: Something in you activated their unresolved issues
Third: Perhaps in your time together they were not "stretched" by new problem-solving, so they used what had previously worked best.

From my reading, I've learned that relationship dynamics are intertwined. Nothing happens in a vacuum. It's somewhat predictable that when people grow and change, it can be the thing that prompts a breakdown, even in long standing friendships.

There is an idea called "relationship repair" which means that when those times come up, one person reaches out to the other to identify the problem, and assess the willingness to solve it. That involves risk and vulnerability. Not everyone is up for that. But if you are, it might be worth trying it out.

[JamesG3]

in truth, some of it was me. I wasnt myself.

But given that we ourselves have now arrived at a different station on our journey, it is appropriate to find new people that match our new paradigms. The people I know now are better in all honesty, because they appreciate the 'me' with all the life experiences and realism. They are not cynical, broken or bitter, they are good people. Better people.

[Lakelynn]

The people I know now are better in all honesty, because they appreciate the 'me' with all the life experiences and realism. T

Excellent observation. It's encouraging to notice the changes (qualities) in people we allow in our sphere. I'm glad you found "better" people.  Even that support can hold you up as you go through

I just released a new novel, and top of that there's marriage plans, a very troubled step daughter and a job that's going through a grinding phase.

That's a lot all at one time! Maybe created a visual reminder to embrace yourself with acceptance today? I've started a collage on my kitchen wall and when I find something warm & fuzzy, humorous or ridiculous, I add it immediately. It's unexpectedly satisfying. 

[JamesG3]

Yes! I've got a postive log on my phone that I add to. It's so easy to brush over positives and concentrate on negatives, but there are a lot of good things if you keep your eyes open. Writing them down got me through some rough patches, for sure.