A gullible fool

[Cascade]

TW:  Suicidal ideation (SI)



Oh thank goodness.  Just when I was starting to do better, a brand spanking new, massive EF arrives.  Yay!  I wondered where all the crappy feelings went.  I'm still in the first 24 hours and was wayyyyy too upset last night to sleep.

 
I'm such a gullible, stupid fool.  I hear Bugs Bunny saying, "What a maroon."  People lie to me, and as long as it's what I so desperately want to hear, I fall hook, line, and sinker.  I believe them just because it sounds so good.  I want to believe them.  But it's all lies.  How many times do I have to subject myself to this before I learn?!  Well, I'm finally taking the hints.  No one really wants to be a friend.  No one really cares about me.  They just want to make it look good and sound good so they feel better about themselves.  It's all lies, and when the lies can't work, I get excuses.  It is possible that the lies and excuses were initially offered to spare my feelings.  Well, when I found out the real truth yesterday, I didn't feel so spared.  The truth always comes out, no matter how much someone may want it hidden.

I'm so tired of relational games and refuse to play.  This un-life continues, despite my deepest desires for it to end.  I guess I actually have to leave the house in order to get gunned down somewhere in America with an assault rifle, huh?  Or to get in a head-on accident with a drunk driver?  Oh well, that ain't happenin' cuz my head ain't even gonna peek out the door.  Maybe there will be a terminal illness that qualifies for assisted suicide.  Let it be soon, c'mon universe!  I'm so ready to be done!  But since that's my ticket out, of course it won't happen.  I don't ever get anything I want for myself.  I will just end up existing, lifeless and miserable, in this Hades on Earth for at least another 51 years.  There is no healing from this, just waiting for the next EF so we can maybe try some skills (if we have them) to make it through until the following EF.

Now, where's that hole I crawled out of in March?  Probably somewhere here in bed.  I'm so done trying to put myself out there.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you're dealing with an EF. I hope it passes soon.

[Phoebes]

I'm sorry someone you trusted lied to you. Betrayal is so hard. SI sucks. eF's suck. I can tell you opened up to this person with high hopes they would be a friend. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself. It's not your fault.

[Lakelynn]

Cascade,

Here's what I like about you. Your humor mixed with self-loathing is a winner. Bugs Bunny? Yes, we're in the right neighborhood. I like slobbering Sylvester. Repeat after me, "I am not a moron, a fool or even gullible. I am a woman of openness, energy and love."

Agoraphobic benefits are safety, safety, safety. However, you nailed it when you listed the dangers of going out. I also wished for a terminal illness, I got close, but dam that little breast cancer, I survived. I still long for palliative care though. Imagine having unconditional attention and love. Too bad dying is the price.

We trusted what we THOUGHT were trustworthy people. But when they disappoint, betray and do all their crappy things, it's really hard to remember it's THEIR stuff, not ours. Yes, Virginia, if you can, put up that mirror and bounce that right back. Metaphorically speaking.

I'm in an intense period of viewing THE SCHOOL OF LIFE videos on You Tube. Their lessons go down easy with animation and colorful graphics. Maybe you could use those as a buoy, life jacket or pretend drug?

But if nothing is going to work, create a soothing place for yourself to rest. Sleep if you can. 

[Cascade]

Thanks, NarcKiddo.  The shock has passed and my brain is starting to work just a little bit.  All of the feelings are still there, though, to be dealt with in one way or another.  Ugh.  I don't believe I signed up for this life.  People say it will get better.  Still waiting, after 51 years.

Phoebes, thank you so much for your insightful understanding.  Yes, I did open up with high hopes of friendship.  I'm still very confused about what happened.  I know I am bringing my own injuries and feelings of blindsided rejection to the situation.  I'm just not sure how much is that (probably most of it), how much was intentional by the other person (even if to "protect me" from rejection), and how much might've been a misunderstanding that could've happened to anyone.

Lakelynn, I appreciate your efforts to lift me up.  Life's just a bowl of sufferin' succotash.  I haven't found any cherries yet, ever.  Last night, I watched the old Dangerous Liaisons movie so I could see Michelle Pfeiffer yell at John Malkovich, "I don't want your lies and excuses!"

Guess that's it for now.  It's all I can handle.
   -Cascade

[Dalloway]

Cascade, I'm sorry for the EF, I wish I could give you some advice, but all I can say is that I feel for you and hope it will soon get better. I know what it's like to feel that every good moment was just a lie or a short period in a life-long suffering. It really sucks.
Wish you the best and sending hugs. 

[Cascade]

Dalloway, thanks so much for stopping by to offer your understanding and support and hugs.  Yep, I'm in a pretty sucky place.
   -Cascade

[Cascade]

The shock of it all still keeps coming back in waves.  Another night of not sleeping.  At least the other person is moving on with people they actually want to spend time and energy with, and they won't have to deal with the burden of me.  It will never be me anyone actually cares about, for anyone.  I'm finally taking the hint and accepting the fact that people in general just aren't that into me.  At least my two cats love me (I think).

Wish I were normal enough to take a vacation somewhere far away, like in Under the Tuscan Sun.  Find a new house, a new life, any kind of purpose in life.  Oh well, these four walls and the cats will have to do.  Maybe I'll watch the movie anyway and sit here and cry.  First though, I need to wash the coffee pot and get today's brew going.  Didn't have the energy yesterday to deal with rotating things through the dishwasher.

[Hope67]

Dear Cascade,
I am also sending you a hug of support     I hope that when you brewed your coffee that it tasted good.  I remember something about that film Under the Tuscan Sun - I think of sunshine and warmth and blue skies when I think of it.  Maybe you need to cry and let some of those feelings out?  Whatever you decide to do - I hope you get a better night's sleep tonight. 

Hope 

[Cascade]

Got 'em Hope, thanks for the hugs!

Yes, here's to sleep at some point, maybe after another good cry.
   -Cascade

[Kizzie]

Cascade, maybe start coming back from this EF here where everyone gets it. No-one here is going to walk away or put you down or do anything except support you because we've been through it and understand.

EFs are so hard and sometimes I wish we could be doing this in person so we could give you caring hug you can feel. But alas virtual hugs and support are what we can offer.

You may need to be crawling under the covers but when you think about it you are coming out long enough to post and perhaps this is where trust starts over again. Right now that's really hard and perfectly understandable as you suffered a big blow.

Later on you may want to look at the fact that you're cared about here and consider that there are people in life who will genuinely care also.

In the meantime a big group hug for you     

[Desert Flower]

Cascade, I'm really sorry you're feeling so low. It sucks, I know and all of us here do. I hope you know the people out here do care for you and that our support may help you a little bit. (I do love the School of Life too.) Big   hug.

[Lakelynn]

people in general just aren't that into me.

We are.

[Chart]

 
Cascade, I know what will bust you out of your EF... a nice long lecture about self-positivism!!!

Er, maybe not...

Cascade, your perspective on this forum is unique. I value your advice, input, support and not least of all your humor. I know you are fighting through an EF, but don't forget... it's not your first. For better or for worse, you know this "pattern". It means you've still got work to do. Sorry for that, but it WILL pass. And you will come out of it stronger and further along in your healing journey. You are a warrior and you know how to resist, reduce and re-educate (hey, that's kinda catchy... The Three R's of Flashback management...)

Ok, get your negative self-image out here on the forum so we can help you battle it back. In any case you know as well as us that it's just not true. You're in an EF, be nice to you.

You are loved and valued here Cascade. Hang tough, I PROMISE you this EF will be short lived.

Sending love, hugs and support.
    

[Little2Nothing]