More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

At my last appt with my T, he said (and I realised it too) that I need to dwell more on my successes than I have done up until now. Really make it clear to myself: I achieved xyz and not criticise and harangue myself for maybe not realising something quickly enough or for continuing to grumble to my neighbour when she has already given me what I needed from her. I did that this past week. My T says: forget it! My neighbour is far from perfect in her dealings with me. The important thing is that I set her a limit (before our 'discussion') and she acted on it. That means that now things are different from in FOO. I can get people to accept my limits and act in an appropriate way towards me, even if it sometimes takes a few months and some reminders....

Good to re-read this and remind myself esp of bolded bits.

I miss my old trauma T so much! He understood so much about me. I wish I'd felt more capable of doing therapy homework when I was still in regular therapy with him. However no use crying over spilt milk + he would remind me to accept myself as is or as was.

I knew he was the right T for me in the first session and I'm still not sure about my new trauma T. Sometimes I feel she is good and has understood well and/or is helping me realise something I hadn't so far (e.g. about FOO's treatment of me and what it means) and sometimes I feel frustrated that she seems to want to go the route of:  behaviour modification now (e.g. what steps can I take to prevent LL from mowing down any of my raspberry canes or flowers in future) whereas I'd like to lower the affect of the traumatised bits so I don't feel like throwing in the towel when something like this happens because I'm sick of going thru example after example of adjusting my words or making sure I'm understood or speaking up in time or whatever.

[Blueberry]

When I promise to myself here on OOTS that I'm going to do something, or at least try to, it does help me carry through. I've decided I need to pick myself up a bit and take some steps to making things better for myself.

Partly I just need to go back to: What is the next easiest step that will make me feel better and/or help me move forwards in the here and now? And then start it at least. That's often dish-washing and I have a big stack.

I'm hereby reminding myself of the concept of "contagious healing", meaning one step often gives me the energy and wherewithal to take the next healing step or at least healthy step. Going into the garden may not be a new healing step for me, but at least it's healthier than dropping back on my sofa, zooming around the Internet, over-eating etc.

Underlined stuff doesn't work any more. Bolded would be worth trying though.

I know from reading thru my old Journals that I do have tons of tools at my disposal but not using them for some reason  

EFT
Screen Processing
Imagination exercises including Sending FOO far away; putting memories/realisations in Bank Vault;
Sitting with feelings, even if briefly. Or until they change / disappear both of which can happen
Recovery Letters (Non-Sender letters)
Focussing on my progress, really feeling it / becoming aware of it
Just Start - and baby steps help
Conversing with my therapy animals (stuffies)

[AphoticAtramentous]

I know from reading thru my old Journals that I do have tons of tools at my disposal but not using them for some reason  

Try not to stress over the fact too much! I have the same problem - lots of techniques I know of but seldom implemented. I suppose sometimes we forget, sometimes it doesn't feel like the right moment, and sometimes we unfortunately have this preconceived notion that it won't help. But I think reminding ourselves and being aware of these techniques is very helpful, so I hope that list of yours will be beneficial!

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Aphotic for all your responses, on all my old threads. It's good to know I'm not the only one who stalls on helpful techniques. I mean, it helps me not feel so bad about myself.

This evening I finally Just Started: took the compost down and put the compost bin out on the street. Then I did some weeding and cutting stuff back, even though it was still drizzling a bit. Those were the next easiest steps I suppose.

I felt a bit peeved at LL.

[Blueberry]

I'm in a depressive funk. With all the healing I've done, therapy I've had, I think the only thing I can do is decide that I want to be well or that I want to really live, live out my potential and then take steps towards that.

For some reason, I'm having trouble deciding on that. Having a lot of trouble with self-care.

Pretty much ditto atm. It is good to read that I've been here before because I obviously got out of that state some time 4 years ago too, so will be able to this year as well.

In fact, it's undoubtedly those onion rings again. Whereever I am exactly and whatever is going on, I'm in deeper, even though it doesn't feel that way. Even though I had the feeling we weren't in deep at all in therapy. Maybe we weren't, but atm I'm somewhere fairly low, but it won't remain that way.

I've been re-reading this old thread hoping to find some actual concrete steps tho if I found some, it might not be correct ones for now OR i might not be capable of doing them, after all I did try a couple of concrete steps this past week including on Sat and wasn't capable of completing them.

[Blueberry]

Now I realise being open to these thoughts, realisations, and making changes in my mind is/was way more important than going on holiday or even teaching people I didn't feel capable of teaching, or cleaning or anything. In fact i possibly come to these sorts of realisations only when I've been at some sort of rockbottom for a while. My T has said before that what didn't work is the interesting thing in therapy, so no shame in talking about it.

NTS!!
Also interesting stuff for self in the rest of the post I quoted from.

Also remember that in trauma T this week (not the T I mention in quoted post), I did say what was not working in me (rather than in therapy itself) w/o feeling ashamed of it. What's not working in me? It's as if I've given up.

[Blueberry]

It's overcast and 30°C outside and about that inside my apt too.

Nonetheless I have been getting on with some cleaning and am just now taking a break. I've been able to be encouraging to myself about just keeping going whatever way I can manage. It doesn't necessarily have to be planned or logical. OK to vacuum part of a room and then go and vacuum somewhere else etc etc. This kind of disjointed activity is a lot better than no cleaning. On top of that, I'm accepting myself the way I am. Sometimes disjointed is all I can do.

Some important process in occupational therapy this morning, came up in the art therapy part. My painting wasn't structured, but I've never painted that quickly before or with that determination. Something seems to have shifted. May not remain shifted  but at least I've shown myself that this determination and some other changes I don't have a word for yet are in me, they can make themselves known again.  

[sanmagic7]

sounds like your process at work (so to speak), blueberry.  it's so lovely to see you being able to give yourself supportive self-talk like this, and during these times is when you are able to get a lot done.  i like seeing the differences among people, how they are able to function while making progress in their healing journey.  yours fits for you, no matter if in pieces or whatever/however it goes.  well done on accepting you! love and hugs

[AphoticAtramentous]

OK to vacuum part of a room and then go and vacuum somewhere else etc etc. This kind of disjointed activity is a lot better than no cleaning.

Oddly, I'd never thought of this. Of course, I could just vacuum one half and do the rest later, hm. I hope the heat isn't as intense now, glad to hear of your successes.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for dropping by and commenting Aphotic. I never have been able to clean a whole room in one go or do one part of cleaning e.g. vacuuming my whole apartment in one go. The energy has never been there for that. The new thing is: I'm accepting myself better with this and saying "It's OK to do this. And it's certainly better than not starting to clean at all."

Thanks again Aphotic, it's cooled down here. There's a certain autumnal feel to the air - less humid I suppose - but still warm, meant to go back up to 30°C tomorrow, not autumnal.

Today I'm rather exhausted again, so I've got up a few times and did this or that each time - took my meds; fed furbabies; had some tea - and gone back to bed. I allowed myself to go back to bed. I know I've had a good but busy week so far and it's OK to have a slow day to recuperate.

But now I've been up a bit longer, doing specific things to help me stay up, like listened to, moved to and sang to a particular nursery rhyme CD I have, tho some of the music is new arrangements, a bit funkier than normal nursery rhymes. I have Inners who like this CD. While I was about it, managed to empty the dishwasher. I could really do with mopping the bathroom floor where the visiting guinea pigs were running and pre-cleaning their various floor mats (especially removing bits of hay and straw) before throwing them in the washing machine, but my energy runs away at the thought of all that... Oh, and a shower and hair wash...

Still, there are also small bits of this and that to do today, some of which I've done, and they all help with keeping things ticking over

[Desert Flower]

I just wanted to say I know how it is when you've got limited energy. Pacing can be quite challenging when you have these parts telling you you have to do this, you have to do that.
Taking care of yourself also means leaving certain things to be done later. I think you're doing very well here.
(And I can also relate to the heat you mentioned a while before, that means having to slow down even further sometimes.) Take good care.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Desert Flower, it's good to feel not alone with a symptom, somebody else understands     though I'm sorry you understand because that means you have it too

Having a slow day again. Tho did start out doing the easiest beneficial things e.g. taking different sorts of refuse and recycling outside to the bins. That helps to keep things ticking over in more ways than one.

Yesterday evening I went to church, I did Fri evening too. Met more friends and acquaintances Sun than Fri, went home with a couple to raid their lovely garden for my guineas, just taking long grass and various edible weeds.

Things I 'ought' to be doing are rather piling up. Guineas need to be cleaned out e.g.
   necessary and important atm

[sanmagic7]

hope you had a good rest, blueberry.  so very glad to hear you 'allow' yourself to go back to bed, get up, do something, go back to bed, etc.  it sounded wonderful to me.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thanks san, yes, allowing myself these things is good, and new.

[rainydiary]

Things I "should" do are also piling up for me.  I hope we find a way to do what is necessary and rest when we need.