dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Thanks Hope 

I've had lots of life stuff going on and haven't had a lot of time to post. I've been at a place to reflect what's been going on over the past 10 years or so, and it's interesting that I haven't been throwing things away, much like my gm. I feel like I'm ready to start throwing things away (or at least selling them on eBay).

I felt "interesting" after my session with NARM t where I spent some time exploring the feeling that "I don't know." When people ask me things sometimes, I feel like there's a pressure to have an answer about how I'm feeling, or what's going on inside for example, and at times I don't know, or am unable to name it. I don't think that's "wrong," or I should be pressured to have an answer. I think that is probably a response to something that happened a long time ago, and is how it shows up in my body now.

(after I left this, I realized that even with responses or writing, it takes me a while to formulate what I want to say. Itt's like I have a reaction a day after maybe with texts as well. That I was talking about colour in the home with someone and it occurred to me that maybe I like colour because it plays a role in my working life a day or so later. These "detached responses" are quite normal for me. I guess it's a version of, oh I could have said this? but also that just responding takes a while. It's like I absorb things when I'm around people maybe. I can see how some people might take this as a form of lack of confidence? Or at least how I think it's been perceived in some way."

When talking about separation, it was interesting that I do want the feeling of being "independent," but underneath it was also anxiety (?) about separation. These are the two sides to my body. How do I speak to that part of my body that still feels like it needs them? Though maybe I am being more indepedent by throwing things away. My gm kept everything. I don't feel anxiety around this. I have also been having fun thinking about decorating. My stepmom took a course on interior design when I was 11/12 and I loved it. The mix of fabrics/colours etc. When I told my gm that I wanted to be an interior designer (I think I told this story before), she said why not be an architect, they make more money. I've actually met a very successful interior designer and I'm pretty sure he makes loads of money.

What's interesting is that I didn't realize my feelings around meeting him until I wrote this post and put two and two together, that maybe it was admiration (a little envy?) over seeing someone successful at something that I was told would never work? As if it wasn't ok to express that part of myself (and then doubting myself if I would have the talent to make it work? Just saying that makes me feel as if there is some inherent/latent thing that I don't have/never will have/other people have that I don't and is something I've definitely felt before; this is what keeps me from things? I also think harbouring this feeling/these feelings also keep from people)

[dollyvee]

I had a session with t and was describing how I am "putting the puzzle together" of what it was like for me around 2-6yrs old, or thereabouts. Or I was trying to tell her how damaging (?)/ how I took it heart what my gm said about not being an interior designer and how it's layered. Sure it's a blow for someone to say that and not acknowledge or see something that I am happy about, and I was explaining how the reason it may have been so poignant is because I spent so much time with my grandparents when I was really young.

So, the reports helped me remember that my m was gone a lot (out having fun, for the weekend with her boyfriend/whatever) and I would stay with my gps. There was a lot of attachment there. I was describing also the sort of back and forth as my gps were separated and fighting (at times). Even now writing this, I feel a welling up of wanting to describe the good side (or is this a feeling of protecting this vision/idea of things?). I sort of remembered a part, I can't remember when it came up, but I don't think it wanted to let this part of my gm go (?) or it was holding onto something there? If I had to describe it, it's like a snippet? A feeling of being in her bedroom and the way the sheets felt and the velvet around the waterbed. We would play videogames in bed and I think I spent a lot of time there, watching movies (it came back to me what movie we watched during the session). Now, as I write this, I'm becoming aware of how much time I spend in bed to relax, and wonder if this is a subconscious repetition compulsion? I am in fact, wondering how many things lately have been a repetition compulsion.

I looked up this house where I described to t how I slept out on the balcony and saw the ocean and moon, and how there were good things there, and it brought back so many memories yesterday. Though, I'm not sure how to describe "memories." I started remembering the place quite clearly, how my m and I would go to the beach, what the house was like - the layyout, how there were things everywhere, and it's like this has just been locked away. I felt very disconcerted yesterday (inner shakiness; a needing to keep separate from people which is interesting given the enmeshment that would have probably occurred around this time). I also became aware of how I now live by the sea and looking at aparments that have a seaview (longing for? Zoopla snooping). How much of me now is replaying this? Or living it out again? Thinking about it now, it's funny because I remember driving by the house when I was about 18, years after my gm sold it, and perhaps I was trying to connect to these things then again. I'm not sure why I did it at the time.

[Chart]

Dollyvee, I'm convinced we are cyclical and each year parallel things happen about the same time as the year before. Association with places is clearly a powerful draw too. There're places from my childhood that still hold a strong mystical power over me. All I have to do is think about them and my mind shifts dramatically. Sounds like you're processing a lot of things. Are the feelings around these places mainly positive?

[Hope67]

I felt moved by the poignancy that came through when you described these recollections/memories.  Your experiences with your gm playing and watching movies, it sounds really lovely.

[dollyvee]

Thank you both and I do think the experiences are fond ones to remember howeever, like the rest of cptsd, they do not exist independantly on their own and are mixed with other emotional factors ie fond memories with the person who was supposed to protect me, or was doing it because it made them feel better. I think perhaps I needed the fond, happy memories from one to protect me from the reality of the other.

What surprises me is that I've gone back there in dreams and I've wondered why I'm back there, like the happy memories were split off.

I don't know if it was revisiting this house on google maps that made me nostalgic, but I went to find a picture of my m and gf, and came across photos of me from when I was around 8 to 11/12. They were taken by my gf or are of me and my gf, and what struck me looking at them was how I was supposed to be/feel at the time, which was mostly him being happy with me doing the things he wanted, and how I felt about myself doing that. I think it was really messed up to go from the sitation with my m and sf into that, which were all happening around the same time. It was like being in a vulnerable place for how my m and sf were treating me, into being molded (used) into something else, for someone else's enjoyment/to make them feel better about themselves where they were always right. I think it also brought up the feelings of how bad I used to feel about myself at the time, and I can see why this maybe felt ok.

Life has been tricky this week and am dealing with a lot of difficult people (well two, but there's fallout). So, the challenges of being your authentic self where that's maybe difficult for some people in the world, but I feel like I'm doing a good job of standing up for myself even if it is exhausting. I haven't had a lot of time to respond lately, but am reading peoples' posts 

[dollyvee]

I had a session with NARM t and I want to write it down here because I think it's interesting and I want to "put it out there."

There's opposing parts at work, which I don't seem, or didn't seem, to be aware of. On the surface, I feel very much that I would like to be closer to people, to have more intimate friendships and relationships. I was speaking to NARM t about my gym friend and how I felt like I was trying to be pleasant, but also seemingly pushing her away on another level, and she asked me what I would like to happen with her. It surprised me that I felt like I would like to be pleasant, but there was also very much a part that wanted to keep my independence, or keep her at a distance, and that I was happy to be on my own.

This morning when I woke up, I wanted to look at this part that wants to keep people at a distance (I think that's what I was asking) and had a clear image of a type of flower (?) with red stems and a white flower, kind of growing like baby's breath. However, it also seemed a bit patchy and to disappear quickly. I had another image of something else that also seemed to disappear quite quickly, and I wondered if there was/is another dissociative part present that doesn't want me to look at these things and wants to keep them hidden? I tried being curious about this part (though Self seems hard to stay in) and that feels like it makes me sleepy, or I get distracted thinking about food.

[dollyvee]

I, gold star for me?, expressed some things to gym friend about what has been going on at work the past few weeks and dealing with difficult people. I didn't implode, the world didn't end. She listened to me and seemed responsive/supportive. I did feel a sense of indignation and that maybe she wouldn't understand (and maybe this frustration is how I push people away?). I am putting this up because I feel like it's difficult for me to talk about this stuff. I was commenting to t the other day that I had the thought when writing (after a session) that saying it, or talking about it, will destroy it. I don't know where this comes from.

I have also forgotten/sidelined my intention to focus on the parts that want/don't want connection (and the seeming dissociation behind them). I guess a brief summary is that connection is associated with independence, and there are a lot of threads of independence/lack of independence that run in the family. It was also difficult to "drill down" into the heart (interesting word choice) of the matter and felt like I was writing, or fleshing things out, in a circular way and somewhat disconnected.

I think there is a belief that I need to take on my family's beliefs so that they will support me. This is a lack of independence (and the belief that I cannot support myself, which hasn't been true for the last 13 years and that's all I have done; actually, even before that, putting myself through school). This feels like a lack of independence.
     
- My gm wasn't able to make herself independent from my gf and kept going back to him, while also trying to maintain her independence (and telling me to be independent so I wouldn't have to be dependent on a man)

- My gm not letting my m or me be independent of her; wanting me to live in the basement while I was going to school instead of being out on my own

- My gf trying to manage my m's independence by kicking her out of the house when she didn't do as he wanted; the same with me when I wanted to change educational tracts and was "disinherited"

- My m telling me that I abandoned her (that I was not allowed independence when it was good for me to stand up for myself)

So, I think perhaps a part sees connection as a loss of independence (and self?), and maybe a part not wanting connection is a way to keep this independence. (that connection is people wanting something from you and you have to be independent)

Writing all this down very much feels like it's coming from a different part of my brain.

_______________________

I'm also reading some things about rigid thought forms and healing, which I found interesting because I think I feel like this is the case, and why it might be so difficult for me to take on new ideas.

"When one has endured a great deal of traumatic occurrences, the emotional body or the second layer tends to predominate. When this takes place, the cognitive structures of the mental body act as a container for feelings. Often the words and thoughts of the perpetrators energetically inhabit the mental body providing a negative container. It can be a long arduous process to replace these negative beliefs because of the energetic tie to the emotional state."

"Beliefs or thoughts about why traumatic incidences occurred tend to function to hold the emotions of the trauma in place. If the belief system is challenged, the container for the emotional system is threatened and emotional chaos results. I have been struck throughout the years that the vast majority of clients with trauma histories initially believed that they were truly bad and deserved what happened to them. When I challenged this belief, and told them that they are good and undeserving of what happened to them, panic would come over their faces and I could observe the psychic structures begin to weaken.

"Without these beliefs as a container for the powerful feelings of grief and abandonment housed in the emotional body, there was danger of fragmentation of the psyche resulting in psychotic states."

Drake, Ann M.. Healing of the Soul: Shamanism and Psyche . Ann M Drake. Kindle Edition.

I feel like when I hit on certain things, there's a dissociation that comes up because I feel like the emotions would be too overwhelming otherwise, or I am familiar that there might be "chaos," and I might not know how to manage it. I think this is rigid thought work is a big part of what kept me safe, or to survive relatively in tact. I think now it's maybe trying to uncover what some of those thought forms are, ie I need my family to support me, or I need to take on the beliefs of my family, so that they will support me; I'm not safe without it (?); being independent is not safe; and see that they are not relevant to me now.

[dollyvee]

Heidi Priebe has done it again and has connected some dots for me I think.

When someone with anxious attachment says, I want a healthy relationship, what it usually means is that they have a blind spot with self-protection, and what they are unconsciously out-sourcing in a partner is someone who is going to make them feel stable, protected and secure as well as to make them feel worthy and like they are good enough for love.

These are areas where we really need to be fulfilling these things outside the partnerships (the basic feeling of self-love) because it puts too much pressure on a partnership. As soon as we get into conflict, we're no longer fighting for our partnership, but to pursue the feelings of safety, being taken care of, feeling safe in the world, and being loved. This need will take over and obscure our argument. I see this as that deep need that comes up around rejection/separation.

I have been feeling that I gravitate towards people who can offer protection, or the underlying need for protection from other people. But where I think she really hit the nail on the head and uncovered something is:

"Why am I choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable? Maybe I'm picturing them being really attentive to my needs, but not picturing me having to attend to theirs, and maybe this situation freaks me out because, maybe unconsciously, I'm looking for more of a parent figure."

It's funny because, and I mentioned this here before, but about a year ago I was with someone that I had had a flirtation with/liked before. When, half asleep, I asked what I needed to see about the situation/person, I saw a scene where I was helping this little girl through a change room that had lost her parent (I think it was mom, I'll have to double check). When I started to become conscious that this was a change room that I knew and where it was likely that I had swim lessons when I was that age, I started to become anxious and wasn't the comforting, (strong?) adult (?) that I had initially been when I was first guiding the child.

At the time, I started to become aware that (like the above) as much as I said I wanted connection, or a long term relationship, there was a (subconscious) part active that I felt popped up when something might happen and sort of thwarted that. There is also the feeling that "someone wants something from me." I see this, after the video, as perhaps recognizing that I would have to attend to other peoples' needs and the anxiety that comes up around that. Though perhaps I recognized that at the time, maybe what has been hard to grasp is that I needed, or wanted that parent figure? That I doubted my own ability to be that firm, guiding presence I was to the little girl. When this came up at the time, I also questioned if this was generational and something my m and gm also struggled with. It's also feels like it comes up as a feeling, the anxiety and the fear around that that feels quite big (?).

Another layer to this is that I don't think I'm wholly anxious attachment, but fearful avoidant. She says that fearful avoidants will want a relationship with someone who only sees the vulnerabilities that they want them to see and that these vulnerabilities are likely ones that are hidden from themselves as well, and don't want to touch on the shameful aspects of themselves. I have been reading about shame, but I don't know if I can necessarily say what I feel shameful about. I guess I just feel like I don't want people to see aspects of me because they would be wrong/not approve and I would feel shameful about that? That I remember being mocked/criticised and I'm pretty sure I feel shame about that. I think I feel shame around sexual things but not sure why, just that I don't want people to know about those parts of me. I think all of this is a part of the process where she talks about bringing the unconscious into the conscious mind.

The Real Reason Why Most Anxious-Avoidant Relationships Fail (And How To Combat It)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8D5y4nrVRw

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I will definitely hope to come back and read what you wrote here about relationships, because I feel sure it would be relevant to me - I was just mentioning in my journal about my past relationships not treating me so well.  I will hope to watch that link you put regarding 'The Real Reason Why Most Anxious-Avoidant Relationships Fail (And How to Combat It). 

I popped in here to send you a hug     

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope 

I have been thinking more about the ideas of shame coming up and how it shows up in my life, and I think there is a part (I guess it's a part - it IS a part tho it feels as if that's just me and I think that's an important thing to realize) that feels like I'm a piece of ****/trash a lot of the time. Of course I don't want connection with people because then this would show up, or it surfaces that this is how I feel. I think I would have "hid" that in a way, or maybe not addressed it, that if I am proactive and find solutions, I won't have to deal with it, but I don't think it's the same thing as actually recognizing it and feeling it. I think when I had to feel it in the past, it just felt so hopeless (?). I also think there was a need, or want, in the past to hide certain aspects of myself from other people as much as possible so I wouldn't be criticized, humiliated, or mocked, which happened a lot in my family and with my sf. I had to be "tough" growing up. How funny that I was writing recently that I feel like I'm in situations where I am "attacked." I guess this is hidden vulnerability showing up through feeling criticized, humiliated, attacked again.

FYI, these posts are probably going to be long because I think there's so much in the videos to look at.

I have been watching more Heidi Priebe videos and as much as I think I recognized the need to do shadow work, I don't think I ever watched a video on it. In one of her videos on it, something that stood out was the idea that we have to deal with this idea of the existential void with what happens before and after life, and how our attachment relationships are deeply intertwined with that because one day everyone we love will eventually die. This sounds quite heavy, but she explains that our attachment reelationships are how we deal with loss. I also feel that deal with the idea of the "existential void" seems quite similar to Laurence Heller's idea of "impending doom" that we experienced as infants.

When we are young, our primary caregivers are responsible for managing our relationship with our own existence both in a literal and emotional sense. When you are a baby and feel something your body like pain, or hunger, the only thing you can do is share your emotions and hope that someone comes along and gives it to you (or takes care of it). What interesting, or helpful to remember, that this is the time when existential distress sets in for an infant, and it is a matter of life and death that these needs are met because we're unable to do it ourselves. Our caregivers were responasible for managing this response to life and death, and it sets us up for how we manage responses to existential distress (like loss) in our adult lives. So, it comes up in regards to work, or uncertainty in relationships. For me, I feel like it's helpful to remember, or name, that this intensity, or this THING, I feel is existential distress and the reason I probably feel it so intensely is because this is how i felt as a baby when it really was life and death and those needs weren't met (and probably going back generationally as well).

She also says that if we notice that sometimes sharing feelings elicits a response, then we learn to hone in on amplifying the feelings of distress to get a response, so that people can be aware that I need something (anxious attachement). She also says that avoidantly attached people learned to numb the pain that was associated with different feeling states because if you cannot express the emotion then you will not express the inappropriate thing and upset your caregiver who cannot accept you expressing emotions around anything other than physical needs. So, when existential dread comes up, you will dissociate and numb yourself to keep you from feeling the pain w/out even realizing you're doing it.

(I realize that I have had to deal and employ both of these strategies growing up, and even to become helpless to a degree to make my caregivers feel better, so that they were able to take care of me. I think making other people feel better is something I still continue to do).

What's also interesting, or where the shadow work comes in, is that these strategies form our "moral code" and sense of good and bad, which is very much a part of our make up or who we are, but essentially not the whole truth. For example, I have strong ideas about selfish people being "bad" as well as people who want attention, which shows up as a dislike for selfish people and people who want attention. Not that I want to let selfish and attention seeking people into my life to run amok, but rather that my reaction to people like that is probably reflective around my own needs for healthy selfishness and attention which I suppress into the shadow because I have been taught to see them as bad.

Talking with NARM t, I told her about the avoidant/anxious relationship video and the IFS where I became worried about taking care of the little girl (and likely someone else's needs around that as well as managing my own). I also told her about a guy I have been speaking with recently for about a month who disappeared after I expressed I had a stressful day at work and was feeling some effects of CFS. I said it's difficult to think that it's not you when every time you express a need, or even just honestly saying what's going on as I wasn't looking to dump on this person, just saying what I was going through. She replied that maybe it's because it's easier to find people who can't deal with yours because you can't deal with theirs, or something to that effect. I do find it easier where things are sort of "easy" at the beginning and then am sort of surprised when people don't show up later. (Though that being said, isn't it supposed to be "easy" in the beginning? Or maybe I was just expecting someone to take care of all my needs in the past). These things aren't easy and I do feel a part that wants to not deal with them as well.

The Dark Night Of The Soul: Navigating It In The Attachment Healing Process
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvR-GALZ2BE&list=PLaSy-g6A5sG3Jvh8Ru5k--D_0VUlZPpEw&index=61

[Desert Flower]

I only read your last post dolly, it's impossible to read the whole thread, but I find what you write very interesting. Gives me much to think about in relation to myself. Thank you.
The shame, relationships, being able to relate or not... I was talking to my husband recently about why he seems to be okay with all sorts of people and I think that's because he's basically okay with himself.
 

[Phoebes]

Wow, dollyvee, I hear so much similarities in your story to mine. Heide priebe is so spot on, I have to watch her in very small doses. I almost can't process it all. But, there's nothing we can do but go down all the roads if we want to heal or at least try!

I was also very close to my one gm. I read a few posts back. Any positive memories I have in childhood are associated with her and her house. My only somewhat safe zone. Although she gave me advice I listened to that I later wished I hadn't, it wasn't out of control. She was still the most "real" and loving person in my life.

I have felt like you when I go down the attachment theory rabbit hole. I'm definitely a mixture of anxious avoidant and fearful avoidant. Maybe all of them.  Sending you lots of support and understanding as you navigate all this. I appreciate that we can go into more detail and say how we really feel here. 

[dollyvee]

Thank you DF  I use my journal to "work things out" and I appreciate that people can only read parts of it. It's a lot and mostly for myself. I am always happy when someone can relate. Heidi Priebe says the basis for a secure attachment is the belief that, "I'm ok, you're ok."

Thanks Phoebes  Nice to see you on the forum. There is so much in the videos and I feel like shadow work is the next step for me, and to make the unconscious, conscious. This stuff is not easy, and to especially recognize that I have these parts that want attention, for example, which is something I find repellant in other people. It's a big aha to start to recognize that and integrate it. It's weird because I see it sort of in a different level/parts of my brain way. Like I'm completely aware that when I feel this intensity around perceived rejection that that's probably anxiously attached parts being activated, but then wanting to hide parts of myself (whether I realize it or not at the time), sounds like shame and fearful avoidant attachment/parts. As an aside, when these parts come up, I find it hard to be rational, or to have space with them. Perhaps because they're much deeper/earlier.

____________________________________

I'm noticing some "scattered feelings," like a sense of being ungrounded. It's almost like a sense of not knowing what to do with myself in the morning. Iwas feeling like I needed someone around to express emotions via and/or understand what's going on. It sort of reminded me of needing someone to have the right to exist that Lawrence Heller talks about. I don't know if it came about because I felt "seen," or that people wanted to be around me this week and that perhaps brought up shame and the feeling of being a piece of trash.

I'm digging more into the shadow work videos (as related to attachment trauma) and in another one of her videos, she talks about healing anxious and avoidant relationships through shadow work. In the video she says, "if your world view is that you're not ok, and that your partner is the person that takes care of things, them healing and admitting all the ways in which they're not ok is likely to make you feel panicked subconsciously.

What you need to give up is the fantasy of never having to grow up and find the perfect saviour who can fix the way you're feeling, forever. You have to confront the fantasy that you're eternally innocent and never do anything wrong and never do anything to hurt other people (because other people are going to bring up all the ways in which you have hurt them, denied their needs etc).

Ok, boom. Hard truth here. I think this fantasy is very much true on one hand especially in relationships. I can also see this behaviour in my gm and probably m. Somehow this is connected to the idea of love in my family. Yes, my gm called me here precious angel who could never do anything wrong, and yes kids do need this to a certain extent, but it's as if the other half was missing. All the anxious attachment without the independence. It's interesting that when I had issues around acupuncture come up, it had to do with "fathering the body," and independence, and all my ideas around connection seem to have to do with a lack of, or too much independence. I also wonder about the part that showed up (which I attributed to being at the beach house and being happy) when I started looking at leaving my family behind.

When I started talking with NARM t about moving to the seaside as maybe sort of repetition compulsion, she said that you moved to the seaside because that's where you were happy and have happy memories as a young child. So, is there a part of me that wants to stay in this fantasy here and not grow up? How do we as people who have been through the childhoods we had where we were not at fault (though grow up likely believing we were) start to accept responsibility and fault in our own lives for the things we do do wrong? Especially when you probably don't have conscious memories of when you started to feel like you were at fault, so you can talk to those parts?

I guess if I'm being honest with myself, there is a lot of self-sabotage around independence. Whether it be in my career and feeling like I won't be successful, or taking the next step; or in relationships where I ignore how people are treating me so I don't have to be on my own, or feeling like I need someone there to exist (I don't know if that's what I'm doing?). All these things seem to have to do with independence. It does feel shameful or bad to be this on some level and like people won't want someone who is like that, or if they do it's because they want to take something from me (can't handle me if I have needs?).

[dollyvee]

I also definitely feel hurdles around doing things for myself. I guess this is a form of independence.

[dollyvee]

I've been procrastinating instead of writing this lol.

So, it's been on my mind to go back to the Healing the Shame That Binds You (and the book on IFS and Dissociation and the one on Somatic IFS). So, yesterday I opened where I left off and how funny he was talking about Robert Firestone and the Fantasy Bond in relation to the inner critic. TBH, I don't think about the inner critic a lot. Maybe it's more accurate to say that it's hard for me to focus on? Or it's subconscious in the ways it shows up in my life? I know with Pete Walker it plays a big part, but it's never been on my radar. It was pretty revealing to read Bradshaw's idea of how voices (the ICr) are internalized parental voices.

"Actually getting rid of the voices is extremely difficult because of the original rupturing of the interpersonal bridge and the resulting fantasy bond. As children are abandoned, and the more severely they are abandoned (neglected, abused, enmeshed), the more they create the illusion of connection with the parent. The illusion is what Robert Firestone calls the "Fantasy Bond"."

"Years later when the child leaves the parent, the fantasy bond is set up internally. It is maintained by means of the voice. What was once external, the parent's screaming, scolding and punishing voice, now becomes internal."

"The child, by incorporating the parent's voice, is taking on the parent's subjective, and in the case of a shame-based parent, distorted viewpoint toward him or herself."

"We simply were not capable of grasping that our parents were shame-based, needy or in some cases downright emotionally ill. The voice also has a tendency to generalize, moving from a specific criticism to other areas of our own life."

"Children will treat themselves and others with the same ridicule, sarcasm and derision that their parents fostered onto them."

"Their pain, humiliation and shame were repressed. Their anger toward their shaming parents could not be expressed for fear of losing the parent. That anger was turned inward against self and became self-hatred. The parents' defences against their pain and shame prevent these feelings from erupting into consciousness. If the parent were to let the child express those feelings, it would threaten his own defences. "

What's interesting is I made a mistake at work yesterday and didn't provide all the things I was supposed to. This immediately showed up in my body as an anxiety and I wondered if it was shame. This is a familiar feeling and I think there's a lot of self-criticism that goes along with it. It feels different today when I'm writing about it, but the experience of making a mistake, I think made me feel similarly to how I did when I was growing up. I was critisized a lot for making mistakes (I guess it led me to think I can't do a lot of things right?). It sort of surfaced how much my family's voices are in me around things like that, or just about my life in general. Bradshaw also says that these behaviours are most likely automatic and unconscious. Perhaps, if I peel back the layers, this is also one of the reasons I feel like a piece of trash?

He also had an exercise to uncover the critic, which I tried. In it, you are to imagine an image of yourself. When I first started imagining this, I had an immediate feeling of judgement towards my face and how I looked that reminded me of my gm. The somatic feelings were visceral (and surprising) and I had a feeling of being ill thinking about it. Writing this now, I am aware of how critical my gm was over her appearance (my gm, m, and I all dislike(d) having our photo taken) and how maybe this is a voice I'm internalizing.

I was also very aware of when I went into the office to fix the mistake, there were people I didn't know and I felt like it was hard to put myself out there, and noticed myself thinking that it was too much if I behaved like x, or that it wouldn't be acceptable to do that (this reminds me of my gm). I guess it made me recognize how being criticized shows up in my life (and the inner voice) about putting my "self" out there. It's also interesting that NARM t and I talk about how the space around me when I start to feel good things immediately gets filled up/surrounded by negative family/messages and I wonder if this has to do with those internalized voices.

Something that also stood out for me was when he was talking about being defensive, and how perhaps that we are most defensive when those internalized voices are active. Like I'm already criticizing myself for this, there's no reason to jump on the bandwagon. I wonder too, if perhaps this is behind some of the defensiveness with t because I feel shame for not knowing/doing something and I've already criticized myself for that.

He also has an exercise where you reflect on your over reactions for the day and see what they are and what the possible underlying message is. Just reading about this sort of brought up the exercise that I did from the immature parent book where they asked you to do reflect on five things you know you can do well, and I felt like I couldn't say that I did one thing well. There was always this element of doubt about it. I think it brought me back to the idea about making mistakes and the shame associated with that and where it came from. I guess the process is to start identifying and challenging those voices as Bradshaw suggests.