I Can't Stand This Life We Have

[Rizzo]

Hi,
so I haven't been here for a long time because I felt overwhelmed by the content..
I have not been well lately. Lots of flashbacks, unbearable nightmares and a feeling of sadness and difficulty in everything I do.
I know that the community here is embracing and warm, that's why I'm sharing again.
How much can you carry at once? The bag on my back weighs me down.
I am tired and exhausted.
Why me? Why us?
Why is this the life we got?
I keep asking myself this.
I feel like I'm at the beginning of my recovery process, and it's been 10 years since I started treatment.
Am I the only one in this place?
I feel stuck.
I don't want this life anymore, I want to be someone else or not to be at all anymore.

[Kizzie]

I hear you Rizzo and I'm sorry you are in a dark place. There is no real answer to why we were dealt the cards we were sadly, at least none that make this any more bearable.

This type of Complex Trauma (relational) in particular is very much perpetrated in secret.  It takes place behind closed doors typically because abusers (parents, other family, coaches, clergy, etc) don't want to get caught. And because of what we are taught --secrecy, shame and silence-- it is not out there where it needs to be for anything to change.

We can't go back in time and make what happened go away but in the present and future we can be part of the change we all need, want and deserve. When we are ready we can step out of the darkness and make others (police, educators, medical and mental healthcare professionals, the public, etc) aware of what is currently hidden behind those closed doors I mentioned. Doing so can be life affirming and powerful. It takes that bag you're dragging around and hands it back to those responsible where it belongs.

 

[Lakelynn]

Welcome back Rizzo,

The sheer exhaustion of a long journey comes through quite clearly in your post. I can relate to that very well. I'd like to suggest this might be a temporary feeling, that with a bit more encouragement and support, it will change. Some new ideas, new strategies and new activities might bring you to a place in a clearing where everything looks a bit different, and more positive.

[Rizzo]

I hear you Rizzo and I'm sorry you are in a dark place. There is no real answer to why we were dealt the cards we were sadly, at least none that make this any more bearable.

This type of Complex Trauma (relational) in particular is very much perpetrated in secret.  It takes place behind closed doors typically because abusers (parents, other family, coaches, clergy, etc) don't want to get caught. And because of what we are taught --secrecy, shame and silence-- it is not out there where it needs to be for anything to change.

We can't go back in time and make what happened go away but in the present and future we can be part of the change we all need, want and deserve. When we are ready we can step out of the darkness and make others (police, educators, medical and mental healthcare professionals, the public, etc) aware of what is currently hidden behind those closed doors I mentioned. Doing so can be life affirming and powerful. It takes that bag you're dragging around and hands it back to those responsible where it belongs.

 

Thank you Kizzie
You are inspiring
I feel like everything was a secret during my youth, yet everything was still exposed.
It felt like I was in a closed room behind locked doors.
I thank you for the explanation..

[Rizzo]

Welcome back Rizzo,

The sheer exhaustion of a long journey comes through quite clearly in your post. I can relate to that very well. I'd like to suggest this might be a temporary feeling, that with a bit more encouragement and support, it will change. Some new ideas, new strategies and new activities might bring you to a place in a clearing where everything looks a bit different, and more positive.

Thank you Lakelynn, for the response and the empathy.
I will think about the things you suggested.
Something new can be scary, but maybe it's an opportunity to blossom.