Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Chart]

OH Chart you are so great and priceless! Coming to the rescue like that again. I cannot say how much I appreciate it. I'm gonna put YOU in my toolbox!

I'm only goin in if it's nice and big and there's lots of Legos!

You left only one thing out though, the name of that hospital where they surgically remove the amygdala please. I don't care what it costs. I can really do without.

Hey that's an interesting question!
https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/can-i-have-my-amygdala-removed

So yeah, I'll keep it up. I'll get to "I can do it" again. I just arranged for my son to eat at a friends' house (very difficult asking for help but I did it) so I can have a bit of a rest myself.

[Chart]

i hate this roller coaster ride of feeling good one day, horrible the next.  it can truly be discouraging.  at times i can remember what so many here have said - this, too, shall pass.

I think it's all about getting a certain amount of "control". I'm preparing for the downs for the rest of my life, I just want to manage them so that when they arise they don't overwhelm me. The wiring is in place. I am who I am because of my WHOLE experience, trauma included. Trauma will become a window I've seen through, know intimately and no longer fear to approach when I hear scary sounds outside in the night. I will always feel the fear of what's on the other side, but it will lessen, and I will know deeper and deeper with the passage of time that those things are of the past, and can no longer hurt me now unless I let them.

[Desert Flower]

Wow to have confidence like that is great Chart.

I guess I'm still in the process of accepting that these downs will continue to come (albeit maybe lessened). To accept that this is it. That I'll have to deal with it somehow.

[Desert Flower]

I am calmer today. Not worry-free but calmer at least. I think I'll work half a day today and slow down the rest of the day as much as possible (although I still need to drive the kids to their activities this afternoon too).

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad to read that you are feeling calmer. I hope you can relax well at some point today.

[Desert Flower]

I'm only goin in if it's nice and big and there's lots of Legos!

That's settled then.

Hey that's an interesting question!
https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/can-i-have-my-amygdala-removed

Nice article, thank you Chart! Not quite sure anymore. 

[Desert Flower]

I'm really really tired now. This is my brains' reaction to yesterdays' big emotions.

What I think started off the EF, or at least contributed to it, was this:

I had a meeting last Sunday with some of my Buddhist group and our elder/teacher. And somehow, we ended up talking about my progress and I told him/them something about how I've been feeling lately (feeling everything instead of nothing - like I used to). And the teacher gave me some advice about meditating less intensely which was quite helpful.

The only thing was, I've had the feeling I wasn't completely clear with him as to why I am feeling this way, that is, the traumas that I've been processing. And the reason I didn't want to tell him/them then and there, was there was an elderly woman present that I don't know very well, but that was in a documentary that aired the other day about how she  spent some of her young childhood in an internment camp in the second world war. And although I had been scared to watch the documentary and I hadn't seen it, my thoughts were that her trauma must be far worse than mine. And that's why I was reluctant to share my whole story.

And then afterwards, I've felt that I had not been completely honest with the teacher and I've felt bad about that. And also maybe about letting myself down by not saying what was important to me because I didn't wanna offend someone else

[Desert Flower]

- trigger warning maybe -

And I've also been feeling bad because another nice elderly lady I know told me she'd had her grandson living with her for the past three months because his mother, her daughter in law, had been unwell (anorexic and hospitalised for depression) and I thought, well I've not been feeling so great myself these past ten years and nobody's ever come to take care of my kids, we've all been doing that ourselves all the time and it's been really hard. It has made me feel really lonely and little me is feeling it's not fair   

[sanmagic7]

ya know what, DF?  it isn't fair, not at all.  and it wasn't fair that other woman had to spend time in an internment camp. this stuff just isn't fair.

fairness, however, doesn't take away the awfulness of any one person's trauma.  just like us, it's all different.  i think your truth is righteous, and you deserve to speak it.  we don't know what kind of, if any, support that woman had, whereas, like you said, you didn't have the help and support you needed while dealing with your own trauma.

i've heard it said here on the forum that comparing what we went thru to what others went thru is not necessarily a healthy thing.  i've done it too many times, even brought it up to my T.  she reiterated that trauma is trauma, and those of us who have been traumatized have been traumatized, and no one can say which is worse or better. 

love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

You're right sanmagic7, I know you are. Nobody should have their trauma 'measured' against someone else's.

But I wanted to write it anyway, because in retrospect I saw I unwittingly did compare, and that contributed to me feeling bad. Just to clarify to myself what works and what doesn't and to acknowledge my feelings about the unfairness of it. So hopefully next time, I will be able to spot it earlier and stop doing it.

[Chart]

I think "comparing" is a big part of cognitive functioning. Our brains "have to" do it. It's part of analytical processing. We do it constantly and it's important even to a survival level.

I find myself comparing people's stories to my own all the time. I think it's part of my integration processing. I don't give it much weight. It's just like another detail. It's my emotions trying to be dramatic (as usual). My cognitive reasoning fully believes (like most here) that comparison is for all intents and purposes, pointless. Pain is pain, the differences in "amount" are absurd to try and quantify. There are far more important things to focus our attention on. What really matters is common understanding. Knowing we're not alone... and not some arbitrary ranking system. But I still do it... and then try to ignore it 

[Desert Flower]

What really matters is common understanding. Knowing we're not alone...

True Chart, thank you.

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I was quite all right for a few days after a big job at my mothers' place was finally done. She still has a passive aggressive way of asking us to do some more chores, but I'm not gonna do them because she is perfectly capable of doing them herself and they're not important anyway.

And today was another hard day, but also good in a way.
I now have my own reserved desk at work, while the office is supposed to be totally flexible. It was really difficult asking and as it turns out, my manager needed to put in quite some effort to get it done so it's great he did that. And then the sign indicating it was gonna be my desk (I had asked for a specific desk), was put on the wrong desk. So I went and asked the facilities guy where he had put it and then he asked me would the other desk be okay too and that was too much. I was so anxious already about having asked for a big favour and being granted that. And the facilities guy saw my reaction and then went ahead and fixed the original desk for me. Which was great. Only, someone else was already working there and that put me on the spot, feeling I had to explain and I managed to say: "I have an invisible disorder". Which was enough really and fair enough. Only I never said that out loud at any work place before so this was a THING for me. And that sent me into an EF the rest of the day. And the guy at 'my' desk didn't move for the rest of the day. But I ran into the facilities guy again later and he said that Thursday (my next day at the office) I could go sit there first thing. And I think it's gonna be okay. The result counts. Although I'm having a bit of trouble with the emotions at the moment, I can see through it. So okay then.

[Chart]

Well worked through DF!!

[sanmagic7]

DF, i'm glad you were able to clarify for yourself the comparison thing.  please forgive me if i seemed 'preachy' or something.

having to stand up for yourself, especially someplace like a work setting, can definitely be anxiety producing.  however, you did it, and well done!  hopefully you'll have your desk now and everyone else will leave it alone.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

No problem at all sanmagic7, it's good to get things clear so thank you, it was helpful!