Starting my journal

[holidayay]

I'm back here again. It's been 9 months since I wrote in here.
A lot has happened since.
Some good.
The best of all: I met my now boyfriend not long after I last posted here. An incredibly kind, loving man. He makes me feel loved and cherished and valued. And most importantly of all: safe.
And with that, came its own challenges. First, how to learn to trust in safety with another, in an intimate relationship.
Then, how to let him in.
Slow and steady really was the best way, in this case.

I found newer depths that needed healing, that comes with this new experience. Firstly, the disparity between healthy love and care, and what I received at home. The gap is highlighted, so blaringly, when you have something in real time to contrast it against.
It has made me feel sick and horrified and traumatised all over again. Knowing just how abnormal it is and just so far removed from how more healthy people treat people they love.
It made me realise: I didn't have a single person growing up, with whom I felt safe with. Safe to express my feelings and needs.
There were obviously 'dangerous' people then there the less obvious, but for whatever reason, still unsafe. Maybe partly because I had learnt too strongly from early on 'people' aren't safe, so I stopped trying. Or maybe everyone else around me was also damaged and traumatised, too much so to be able to offer anything safe.
It's a horrible, sobering realisation.
My brother who everyone generally said was my 'special connection' - not really. I was both scared of him and felt like I had to look after him and somehow take care of his comfort. He was volatile to people around me. Sometimes he also lost his temper with me. Never hit me, but had extremely short fuse that had me always anxious about when he made pop off.
It was all fake. A fake pretense that we had a special bond. Because we looked alike and supposedly he was fond of me.
I didn't feel fond of him. I felt like I had to be, to show it, and to convince myself of it.
I didn't feel safe with him.
I felt scared and anxious around him and FOR him. And I felt incredibly sad for him. Sad for his depressive episodes, for his painful anger, for his distress.
He died aged only 25 and I was 16. I cried endlessly in the 19 years since. Not because of his death, but because of his life. His suffering.
His suffering that was as valid as mine. That prevented us from having the bond we could have had. That prevented him from being able to exist beyond his crushing suffering.
I don't know really why I am saying all this.
I feel like I am grieving. Not as I said, because he died, but because he never really lived.

[dollyvee]

Hi Holidayay,

I'm sorry you're going through those realizations with your brother right now, but it does sound like there is healing happening, even if it is difficult. I'm sorry you had to do those things for someone else and be put in that position to do them.

I've started reading through your journal and I relate to a lot of the things you were writing about in the beginning with your family and trying to find your own way through university. You have such a clear voice and I think it's great that you can express yourself so clearly. I still struggle with being "seen" and therefore being humiliated/getting into trouble etc etc and can relate to your dream about having your journal go viral.

Also, it makes me angry to hear that the advice of the NHS is to not go private because it can be tricky when they don't offer any subsequent treatment for people with cptsd (who aren't a suicide risk). I feel like there is a teeny tiny grain of truth in this, but the benefits and what is actually available, far outweigh the negatives.

Sending you support and it's great that you've found your own path through everything,
dolly

[holidayay]

Thank you Dolly. I really appreciated your kind message. I understand the fear of been seen and humiliated. It's startling to read someone who posted such a kind, thoughtful message, feels that. I suppose because to me it feels like you sound like a warm person and don't deserve to feel that way at all. I guess that's with most of us on here.

People do keep saying the healing is happening. And I guess I can see it. It just....seems to get deeper the more layers I go through and the innermost ones hurt so bad....but I will continue.

Today was a win. I woke up from bad dreams, decided to take on some of the things I've learnt and not to sit in bed and wallow. Accept that the dreams are my subconscious trying to process things and leave it be. So I got up, stroked the cat, brushed my teeth and went to the gym. I had a really invigorating workout.
Then I came home and did therapy - EMDR via Zoom.
Stuff came up that I didn't expect and then I cried and it felt like it was released. I've felt tired and worn out since, which is to be expected.

So I'm sitting watching Monster In Law for an easy watch, whilst my boyfriend is out for dinner. He gives the best hugs though, so I'm excited for him to come home.

Also, just realised I think I posted about my cat when I first got her as a kitten on her? Wow...the time has flown and so much has changed. She is now 4 and a half and is a big, fluffy, cuddling furball!

[dollyvee]

Thank you Dolly. I really appreciated your kind message. I understand the fear of been seen and humiliated. It's startling to read someone who posted such a kind, thoughtful message, feels that. I suppose because to me it feels like you sound like a warm person and don't deserve to feel that way at all. I guess that's with most of us on here.

Thank you holiday, and sending a hug if that's ok    I was put through a lot by (NPD) apeople who felt justified doing what they were doing (all in my best interests because they knew better). So, I do very much get that and it can be a struggle because at times it's just a freeze response. Anyways, I get it.

Today was a win. I woke up from bad dreams, decided to take on some of the things I've learnt and not to sit in bed and wallow. Accept that the dreams are my subconscious trying to process things and leave it be. So I got up, stroked the cat, brushed my teeth and went to the gym. I had a really invigorating workout.
Then I came home and did therapy - EMDR via Zoom.
Stuff came up that I didn't expect and then I cried and it felt like it was released. I've felt tired and worn out since, which is to be expected.

Just wanted to validate that it sounds like you're doing a good job of taking care of yourself and your needs 

I also had similar situations to what happened with your friend who "dropped" you when you showed your anxiety. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I feel like I made it out and turned into a pretty ok functioning adult on the outside. So, when I do reveal things about myself that are not taken well (people have no idea how to react when I'm truthful about my family; most of them can't relate) it can feel so alienating. Like it just reinforces those "you're broken" narratives in my mind. I also had a friend basically drop me after I moved to the UK and didn't fit into her new middle class life where she started caring about what kind of accents her children were going to have. Like who was I talking to? I knew where she grew up! Unfortunately, now I think I keep myself much more guarded to new friendships, which I think can also alienate people, but I'm working on it. Sorry, I'm rambling in your journal. I just wanted to say I know how fraught friendships can be.

Sending you support,
dolly

[holidayay]

I've just woken up from dreams where I was watching people from my old and present life going to an old school friend's birthday party, evolving, growing up and I was excluded and I felt so, so distressed. The feelings have carried on with me now and I feel distraught, somehow?
My heart is pounding so hard and I feel really distressed. Why would such a dream cause such a huge reaction? And how do I calm down?

[dollyvee]

Hey holidayay,

In my experience growing up in a NPD household, I was constantly "not good enough," which I even probably started feeling from an age I don't even remember. Comparing myself to other people and how if I could only have x, or look like x, or not do x, was a way try and get the love/acceptance etc that I never received growing up. Perhaps this internal compass of feeling less than is still active in your subconscious?

Sending you support,
dolly

[holidayay]

Hey holidayay,

In my experience growing up in a NPD household, I was constantly "not good enough," which I even probably started feeling from an age I don't even remember. Comparing myself to other people and how if I could only have x, or look like x, or not do x, was a way try and get the love/acceptance etc that I never received growing up. Perhaps this internal compass of feeling less than is still active in your subconscious?

Sending you support,
dolly

I resonate so much with this. And your astute observation that it's still active in my subconscious. It absolutely is    I find I still have to actively convince myself I am just as deserving as others and it's okay to just be me. It's very hard to remember this all the time, especially when I'm stressed.
Hope you have been keeping well.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I've just woken up from dreams where I was watching people from my old and present life going to an old school friend's birthday party, evolving, growing up and I was excluded and I felt so, so distressed. The feelings have carried on with me now and I feel distraught, somehow?
My heart is pounding so hard and I feel really distressed. Why would such a dream cause such a huge reaction? And how do I calm down?

That sounds like an awful dream, holidayay. Sounds so isolating. I know it's a little late by now but maybe advice for the future... (which of course you are free to ignore if you don't want to do it). When I have particularly bad dreams like this, I find it helps to...
1. Get out of bed, out of your bedroom - look around your house and reassure yourself of your current place in time.
2. Wash your hands with warm water, it's very soothing and acts as a sensory distraction.
3. Read something light for a few minutes, or try to remember the plot of a book/movie you like.

It won't take away the memories of your dream, but it usually helps me to relax a little, and see the dream in a more calmer manner.

Hoping the nightmares have left you alone this past month!

Regards,
Aphotic.