Is it okay to be financially dependent on your partner?

[MakeGandalfGreatAgain]

I'm single and haven't been in a relationship or gone on a date in ten years. I haven't had any real friendships either. I have trust issues and feel like it would be difficult to explain to other people why I'm not doing more with my life. Maybe that's just because my family always put expectations on me even after I became mentally/physically sick. Another obstacle was my mother, who I've been living with. Based on past experience, I know that whoever I chose to be around wouldn't be good enough for my mother, so my decision to associate with them would be judged.

I've only ever worked low-paying jobs. Earlier this year, I had to go on non-paid medical leave. I'm not making any money, but I also finally got out of my mother's place. (She kicked me out, but I also wanted to leave; I won't go into detail because I'm trying to keep this post brief.) I thought that things would get better when I got away from my mother, but it seems like little really changed. I find myself being unable to care about my future. The idea of doing job interviews always terrifies me.

The other day, I was reading about a growing trend of younger men dating older women. Among other reasons, it is because older women can provide more financial stability. I never really considered dating someone older than me. (There are so many unofficial "rules" my mother made that still reverberate around in my head.) Anyway, it got me thinking that maybe it's actually my best path forward.

The problem is that, in addition to all the things which prevent me from taking action, I have to wonder if this idea is dangerous. After all, wouldn't I be opening myself up to the same kind of manipulation which got me here in the first place? Is it crazy to think that there could be someone out there who would care to help me with my problems when no one else will?

[Kizzie]

I would suggest that besides maybe being dangerous, it's not exactly healthy to look for a romantic relationship with an older woman who will financially support you and care for you. I don't know where you're located but typically social services/educational institutions will fund education/training for marginalized people.  That way you can depend on yourself through your life.

[Blueberry]

Hello MakeGandalfGreat,

I avoid relationships like the plague, never been in one. fwiw it's my feeling that it would be dangerous to look for a romantic partner in the hopes that this person can support you financially. If the relationship starts out equal and one of partners falls on hard times and the other one is willing to stick around and support w/o looking down on you or otherwise treating you badly, that would different imho.

I accept financial support from FOO. I see it as compensation for years of emotional and other abuse which left me incapable of supporting myself. I get disability but it's not enough to live on. Besides, FOO offered money. BUT despite their promising 'of course there are no strings attached', there were/are strings attached. FOO gave me the total run-around about it up until a couple of years ago. Now it's kind of settled: amount, regularity of payment w/o them using it as an excuse to keep treating me badly emotionally/psychologically. In my case it was healing to learn to set boundaries and limits in FOO yet still take the useful/good (money), but it was also really hard and I was on an emotional roller coaster for a decade or more. The contact I had to have as well as the questioning and me trying not to justify my existence over and over again was very unsettling and triggering.

In my experience reducing contact with FOO mbrs doesn't improve things as much as one might want right away. There's all that trauma from the past still stuck in us, which needs to heal. I'm Very Low Contact with FOO, getting lower all the time despite accepting money. There's tons of grief in me about my past - not just my childhood/teens because the emotional/psychological and even verbal abuse went on far beyond those times. Reducing or cutting contact altogether is a necessary step for a lot of us but doesn't heal everything right away. In fact, in trauma healing it often feels like one step forward, two steps back. But it does get better with time. Sometimes it's even two steps forward, one step back and then onward again.

[Bach]

I'm financially dependent on my partner and it terrifies me every day. I don't worry that he will leave and I know I'm very fortunate to have someone who is all in on supporting me, but I do worry that something will happen to him and I'll be left in a very tight spot. I'm old and unemployable, and going through a real mental crisis about how I've spent my life, ruing that I didn't develop any job or people skills when I was younger. But at the same time I think that if I could have I would have? Either way, I feel helpless and my life feels extremely precarious. Do not recommend.

[NarcKiddo]

There are certainly circumstances when people may become financially dependent on another. If a relationship is strong and both parties have entered it "for better, for worse" then it's right and proper that they support one another when things don't go according to plan.

A new relationship obviously has no shared history and there has been no time for love to grow. I think that both people entering a new relationship have to bring something to the party. If one person has the money, what is the other one contributing? I don't judge people who are happy to foot the bill because they want whatever it is (Cynical suggestions might be: arm candy? someone to push their wheelchair in old age?). Nor do I judge people who want to have their bills footed and are prepared to provide whatever it is the bill payer wants. However I don't see how any new relationship can be anything other than transactional if there is a huge financial disparity.

For someone who has already been harmed by transactional relationships which should not even be transactional (which sounds like it might be the case for you given the family expectations you laboured under) I would suggest entering into another one as an adult could well be dangerous unless it is very clear and open that the relationship is transactional and exactly what the terms are. Not very romantic - but I guess it might work.

[Desert Flower]

After all, wouldn't I be opening myself up to the same kind of manipulation which got me here in the first place?

I think one might if this were the outlook with which one would start looking for a partner.

Is it crazy to think that there could be someone out there who would care to help me with my problems when no one else will?

I would not think such would be crazy, only the start would preferably be that they like you, then maybe care for you and as a result they might help you. To be looking out for someone who could help you would sound very vulnerable to me.

The thing is, I find it difficult to relate to an issue like this without preconceived notions. One of the things that happened in my childhood is that my father died suddenly and this left my mother to fend for herself, which she was not prepared for. She managed quite well financially although the message I got from this was: make sure you never ever ever need to depend on anyone financially because when they die/leave/whatever you'll be done for. And this also contributed to my never ever asking for help, financially or other.
But I've become somewhat more lenient in this respect over the years while being with a trustworthy partner (this is a big thing for me, that I can say I actually do trust him). So I've recently cut back my working hours (and income with that) because his business is doing well enough to support us. If push comes to shove though, I know I could still fend for myself, albeit at the cost of self care/ me time that I need.
Trying to find a balance between (not) depending on anyone while taking care of myself is an interesting subject to reflect on. Thank you for bringing it up.

[Blueberry]

I'm old and unemployable, and going through a real mental crisis about how I've spent my life, ruing that I didn't develop any job or people skills when I was younger. But at the same time I think that if I could have I would have?

Bach I'm sure you would have, if you could have! I'm in my early 50's and I've had to give up my original profession - been on hold now for over a year, but I'm pretty sure I'll never manage to go back to it. I'm self-taught in something related but even that's on hold atm. Even if you have skills, you have to be able to market them, apply for jobs/projects, hassle over pay or prices, all of which is terribly stressful for me. Stressful to the point of unmanageable and to the point of brain-tiring, burn-out all over again.

It's good some other mbrs chimed in because I know there are some on the forum in supportive relationships. Gandalf, a lot of healing from ctpsd involves how you think about and treat yourself imho and ime. So even if somebody treats you well and is supportive, if you second-guess yourself about that a lot of the time, you won't be happy either. otoh there were people who seemed to treat me well and the more I healed, the more I realised these people weren't too healthy and were NOT treating me well or in an emotionally healthy way. In fact now I remember there were a couple of people supporting me some way or other, including one giving me a key and allowing me to shower at her place when heating and hot water were turned off in my rented place for about 4 months, who tended to go a bit over my boundaries at the point they started helping, whether consciously or unconsciously I don't know.

The other day, I was reading about a growing trend of younger men dating older women. Among other reasons, it is because older women can provide more financial stability. I never really considered dating someone older than me. (There are so many unofficial "rules" my mother made that still reverberate around in my head.) Anyway, it got me thinking that maybe it's actually my best path forward.

Bold: Some of them can! I wouldn't be able to.
I inherited a lot of unofficial rules too.
It's really hard when cptsd affects us in a way that makes earning difficult to impossible. In your shoes I'd try and stay in some sort of working world as long as possible. It's what I've done actually, even working for payment-in-kind. The best way forward might involve several different paths, rather than all eggs in one basket?
Good luck to you.